Is this ordinary? stepchildren related

[foursthescore]

Ive been with dp for 4 years and his children's lives for 3. He was a colleague of mine and we started seeing eachother 4 months after his marriage ended. He did not leave her for me. There is 3 dc aged between 5 and 8. They are with us eow and a night in the week.

I have a great relationship with the kids, i couldn't love them any more if i tried and for the most part its fine.

The issue is his ex. She has never spoken to me. Never looked in my direction. She tells dp she refuses to deal with me. The dc are not allowed to mention my name to her. I gather she believes that if dp hadn't met me then she could have got him back. Dp says that isn't true.

We're getting married soon. Should i just accept that this is how it will always be? Dp had the flu a few months ago and got out of bed to take the dc home because he was too afraid that she'd flip if i dropped them off..

[Headofthehive55]

I don't think she has to let you into her life.
My nieces have decided that their fathers new partner doesn't come into their life. So at their weddings their step mum wasn't invited. Or graduations. It's up to their dad if he comes to see them, but he doesn't come with his partner.
IT works well for them.

[Janeismymiddlename]

I am sorry this bothers you. I am a long time divorced but have taken the same stance generally - th new partner is nothing to do with me and I see no reason to be friendly, meet with her, or otherwise deal with her. I don't ban her name being spoken in my home however, but nor do I feel a need to talk about her - surely that's a bit....stalkerish?!

My children are happy in my ex's home so that's it. Being friends or in some way supportive of his new partner wouldn't change anything. My ex and I had an acrimonious divorce and I have as little to do with him as possible - this keeps me sane and stress free. As far as I'm concerned, he is not a nice person. What would be gained by contact with his partner?

I have to say that I wouldn't hand over the children to his new partner either. He needs to do the parenting - or the bare bones of it - himself. He also needs to have occasional contact with me to discuss any issues we may need to deal with as parents. In an emergency I would deal with her politely but I struggle to see a situation where it would be reasonable the ex sends her to pick them up. It may well,happen, of course.

[LittleBooInABox]

4 months is a short time, however you've been together years now. Sounds like you and DP have put the children first staggered meets etc.

She'll have to come to terms with it eventually. Some women, seem to be unable to process the thought of an ex moving on like a divorce should be final and never move on.

[Toysaurus]

I would be careful rocking the boat.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

YANBU at all. I would start to change the way you think about this.

Getting with a single person 4 months after the split, whether they have kids or not, is absolutely fine. Your DP's ex stops her kids from talking about you which must put them in an awkward position and it's really not fair.

I presume she is allowed to move on and find another partner but for her ex to do so is somehow wrong? It sounds like she's not able to let it go even 4 years later. She's the one with the problem, not you.

With that in mind, change the way you look at this. Why would you WANT to have any communication with her? From the sounds of it, you're better off not having to deal with her at all.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

Also you waited a full year before you met his kids so it sounds like you are very respectful anyway. It's a shame you got flack for this but you definitely haven't done anything wrong. If the ex is ignoring you then as hard as it is, try not to let it get to you. It's sad she won't let the kids talk you but that's out of your control and not your fault at all.

[JassyRadlett]

It's also not really unreasonable for her to tell the children to focus on their time with her when they're with her and not mention you and their dad all the time, and vice versa.

I'm really shocked by some of the statements on here. What the OP describes - that her stepchildren aren't allowed to mention her at all - is entirely unreasonable and expecting children to be less than their whole selves in the place they usually live.

I agree that better boundaries need to be in place and that your DH needs to start working on them -such as the 'two choices' idea if he's ill again (you or her to drop off/pick up). The poster who said you should sort a taxi or find a neighbour/relative in that situation was encouraging you to pander more to the ex's unfortunate behaviour.

[MandateMandy]

my chidlren's father stopped communicating with me as soon as one at 7 years old was bright enough to operate email!

So long as it doesn't end up like this Op. When you decide to have a child with someone you have an obligation to co-parent - which involves talking to them NOT relying on a small child (7 years old!!), regardless of how bright they are, to organise their own lives with their father or act as some kind of go-between. It may be easier for the adults to not have to deal with one another, but in the absence of domestic violence or abuse of any kind, it is hugely unfair on the child.

[Jenna43]

I knew someone like this, admittedly, more extreme than your case.The father wasn't even allowed to have his child overnight in the same house with his DP, even though they had been together a while and had a baby. This went on for a couple of years until his ex met someone else and all of a sudden the rules changed and she couldn't have been nicer and child was allowed to stay, pure jealousy is all it is.

[swingofthings]

He did not leave her for me
She doesn't believe it. She believes that for months, you and he flirted and that contributed to his attitude towards her changing and him deciding to leave and to discover 4 months on (or probably less from her perspective) to realise he was in love with you.

On this basis, she is more than entitled to want nothing to do with you.

[HollyHollyHo]

My DC have two stepmothers (two ex DHs)

One is a total cold fish, refuses to talk to me, look at me, interact in any way at all with me.

The other is so over friendly you'd think we were best mates. She sends photos and updates whenever they have the DC, calls for advice, texts on a daily basis and buys me birthday and Xmas presents.

You've got to let people be who they are. She doesn't want anything to do with you, you'll just have to accept itx

[MandateMandy]

Accepting that the ExW wants nothing to do with the op is completely different to accepting that ExW is putting the young children in a very difficult situation. I'm not always enthralled by stuff my kids tell me but I never silence them or censor their life experiences. This leads to children thinking they need to tell parents what they want to hear because the parent's feelings are more important than their own. What hapens if Op has children...will they be allowed to talk about their siblings.

Unfortunately a huge part of the pain of separation is putting a smile on your face for your children.

[toosexyforyahshirt]

She possibly thinks you were the other woman. He left her with 3 children under 4 and immediately got it on with you, someone he worked with. Why should she believe either of you?

[MandateMandy]

toosexy why does any of that matter when it comes to the well being of her children. Children of separated parents do less well at school and are at higher risk of mental health problems unless there is minimal conflict. The more conflict and bad feeling the higher the chance of the child struggling. ExW can nurse her rage at her ex husband and even the op but she needs to keep the kids out of it for their sake.

[WeirdAndPissedOff]

Hmm, it's difficult. I can see why ExP would feel that way, and wouldn't want to hear the kids talking happily about their time with your and DP.
I think she's within her rights not to want to see you, though allowances should be made if eg the alterative is for DP to drive when severely unwell.

However she is being very unreasonable not to allow the kids to talk about you. As a pp said they are being censored in their own home, and it is going to have an impact on them.

I'm not sure I would say anything though, as I think it would be unlikely to much except make things worse.

[redfairy]

OP, it's incredibly hard to see your ExP move on with their lives. Distancing themselves from the new partner can be a coping mechanism. You have the added complication that your relationship started very soon after the marriage wasn't even cold on the stove which muddies the waters further.
You can't force someone to get over a relationship breakup to your timescale. You have to hope she will soften in time but you can't count on it.
What sort of relationship would you like to have with the EXW?

[toosexyforyahshirt]

toosexy why does any of that matter when it comes to the well being of her children

The ex could say that the OP's boyfriend didn't care about the children when he left her with 3 of them and shacked up with someone else. She's the one looking after them all everyday, she doesn't have to also play nice with dads girlfriend to make them all feel better about it.

[WeirdAndPissedOff]

And what about how the kids feel?
They're being told they can't mention the new girlfriend at all, which means they either can't talk about visits with their Dad or continually self-censor.

And I can see what you're saying re the ex thinking the DP may have left her for the OP - if I was in her shoes I'd be suspicious as well! But you're talking as if that is definitely what happened. If it isn't, then does that mean that people forfeit the right to say they care about their kids simply for splitting up with their partner?
We don't know the ins and outs of the relationships and breakup, what matters now is that the kids aren't put in a difficult position. While the ex certainly shouldn't have to plaster a smile on her face or act a saint/martyr by any means, making things awkward for the kids is a little unfair, surely?

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

But it's not about the mother's feelings, it's about the kid's feelings.

It's actually irrelevant how they got together even though there is no reason to think there was any cheating. So you have to stay single when you separate just in case the ex thinks something went on during relationship and takes their anger and jealousy out on their kids? That's controlling and nuts.

[TiredMumToTwo]

Get used to it my dh ex is the same she is bitter and just needs to get over it

[hackmum]

I think YANBU, but I also think there isn't anything you can do about it.

[toosexyforyahshirt]

So you have to stay single when you separate just in case the ex thinks something went on during relationship and takes their anger and jealousy out on their kids?

No you just have to wait more than a few weeks before you start shagging your colleague.

We only have OP's side of this, the ex's could be very very different.

[JassyRadlett]

We only have OP's side of this, the ex's could be very very different.

Even if it is, dragging the kids into it and taking it out on them is still shit behaviour and rubbish parenting.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

No you just have to wait more than a few weeks before you start shagging your colleague

Why do you sound so aggressive and angry about this? Read the OP. 4 months after separation, and a full year before she met his children. It could have been three days after the split to be honest - if the relationship is properly over, it's over.

But you're right, there may be another side to the story but that's not the one we have. There is no reason to doubt the OP here. Perhaps you have personal experience of this situation and there's some projecting going on, who knows.

[toosexyforyahshirt]

I'm neither aggressive or angry, if you add that tone that's in your head as you are reading. your issue.