Is this ordinary? stepchildren related

[foursthescore]

Ive been with dp for 4 years and his children's lives for 3. He was a colleague of mine and we started seeing eachother 4 months after his marriage ended. He did not leave her for me. There is 3 dc aged between 5 and 8. They are with us eow and a night in the week.

I have a great relationship with the kids, i couldn't love them any more if i tried and for the most part its fine.

The issue is his ex. She has never spoken to me. Never looked in my direction. She tells dp she refuses to deal with me. The dc are not allowed to mention my name to her. I gather she believes that if dp hadn't met me then she could have got him back. Dp says that isn't true.

We're getting married soon. Should i just accept that this is how it will always be? Dp had the flu a few months ago and got out of bed to take the dc home because he was too afraid that she'd flip if i dropped them off..

[missiondecision]

Yabu. You don't need to talk to her.
The children are the responsibility of both their parents.
Accept that for many years, your relationship with the children is only because of your husband to be, until the children are old enough to say other and do otherwise.

[Cuppaoftea]

But why would you send your DS along on a drop off in the first place considering the circumstances, why put the children in that situation? Your DP is right to say he won't take him again.

It's great your DS has a good relationship with his Stepsister when she's staying with you but he's also never going to be a part of her home life with her Mum and siblings or likely get to know her Mum at all. That is perfectly normal and you need to explain that age appropriately as and when he questions things.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Very sad an 8 yr old is so aware. I agree tackling it will achieve nothing.

[foursthescore]

Thank you everyone, for the input. It's tough. I understand that she does not have to acknowledge me. It would just be healthier for the children. There was a slightly disturbing development today when dp walked his dd home, along with my ds and dd said to ds "you shouldn't come in my garden cos mummy wouldn't want to see you" that has upset me as his dd is only 8, ds is 6 and they are the best of friends. I've discussed this with dp and he isn't willing to tackle it, just says he won't take ds along next time..

[teaandakitkat]

I've been married 12 years and dh's ex still won't acknowledge me. There's nothing I can do about it, it doesn't really bother me.

[NotMyPenguin]

I'm sorry, it's tough.

Unfortunately you can't make people behave as their 'best self' and it sounds as if she still carries around a lot of unhappiness about the break up of her relationship with your DP.

I think you need to accept it, mostly because I don't believe you can change it. Maybe time will, and your marriage, and your good relationship with your step-children. (I have a wonderful step-mum, and an amazing mum who really pulled out all the stops to make it work despite a lot of hurt on her own end, so I know it's possible -- but also how tough it can be.)

[Allthewaves]

I'd say she think u were the ow. U were his college and got together within 4 months of marriage ending - it prob very suspicious in her eyes.

Leave her be. She's not causing issues, she's leaving u alone. It's not great or ideal in relation to the kids but it is what it is.

[mummmy2017]

Unfortunately it's not you in yourself she has an issue with, it's the hurt she feels that she was married had 3 children and her children's dad has moved on.
It could be every time she sees a family of parents and children she regrets that she couldn't provide that for the children, and you make an easier target for her upset than looking at herself and claiming some of the blame.
Better to stay out of it and not cause ripples till she moves on to someone else.

[MistressDeeCee]

Dp had the flu a few months ago and got out of bed to take the dc home

Bet there are mums who can't even count the number of times they've had flu and/or felt like shit, but had to roll out of bed to pick up DCs or ferry them somewhere. Its very often part and parcel of being a parent

Honestly OP leave her alone, as she is leaving you alone. You're marrying the man and fussing about his ex. Get on with your life. None of us can force anyone to like or acknowledge us.. As long as the arrangements between the parents are fine and children are happy and unharmed, then thats what matters surely. She doesn't like you. & as the DCs grow older it will matter less anyway.

She will always be their mum. & at least she isn't hassling you, that would be worse wouldn't it. Hopefully you aren't quizzing the DCs about her, that wouldnt be fair

[MandateMandy]

toosexy maybe he cared about them too much to bring them up in a loveless marriage where he and his wife fought constantly. But you're right we don't know all the facts about this particular relationship but we do know the fact that it is conflict between parents that damages children- the fact that you support perpetuating this conflict and subsequent hurt to the children because the father may have hurt them first is really quite sad and very worrying.

[JassyRadlett]

I'm neither aggressive or angry, if you add that tone that's in your head as you are reading. your issue

Yes, your language choices have been entirely neutral, balanced and unemotice.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

OK I presume you meant it in a good way then...

[eyebrowsonfleek]

I think you have had good advice.

4 months is shockingly fast to get into a relationship so the ex understandably probably thinks he was cheating.

However you're clearly a lovely and thoughtful step mum to be. You waited a year to meet the kids and have a great relationship with them which is brilliant. I think this is more than you can expect so you have to be happy with that imo.

[toosexyforyahshirt]

I'm neither aggressive or angry, if you add that tone that's in your head as you are reading. your issue.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

No you just have to wait more than a few weeks before you start shagging your colleague

Why do you sound so aggressive and angry about this? Read the OP. 4 months after separation, and a full year before she met his children. It could have been three days after the split to be honest - if the relationship is properly over, it's over.

But you're right, there may be another side to the story but that's not the one we have. There is no reason to doubt the OP here. Perhaps you have personal experience of this situation and there's some projecting going on, who knows.

[JassyRadlett]

We only have OP's side of this, the ex's could be very very different.

Even if it is, dragging the kids into it and taking it out on them is still shit behaviour and rubbish parenting.

[toosexyforyahshirt]

So you have to stay single when you separate just in case the ex thinks something went on during relationship and takes their anger and jealousy out on their kids?

No you just have to wait more than a few weeks before you start shagging your colleague.

We only have OP's side of this, the ex's could be very very different.

[hackmum]

I think YANBU, but I also think there isn't anything you can do about it.

[TiredMumToTwo]

Get used to it my dh ex is the same she is bitter and just needs to get over it

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

But it's not about the mother's feelings, it's about the kid's feelings.

It's actually irrelevant how they got together even though there is no reason to think there was any cheating. So you have to stay single when you separate just in case the ex thinks something went on during relationship and takes their anger and jealousy out on their kids? That's controlling and nuts.

[WeirdAndPissedOff]

And what about how the kids feel?
They're being told they can't mention the new girlfriend at all, which means they either can't talk about visits with their Dad or continually self-censor.

And I can see what you're saying re the ex thinking the DP may have left her for the OP - if I was in her shoes I'd be suspicious as well! But you're talking as if that is definitely what happened. If it isn't, then does that mean that people forfeit the right to say they care about their kids simply for splitting up with their partner?
We don't know the ins and outs of the relationships and breakup, what matters now is that the kids aren't put in a difficult position. While the ex certainly shouldn't have to plaster a smile on her face or act a saint/martyr by any means, making things awkward for the kids is a little unfair, surely?

[toosexyforyahshirt]

toosexy why does any of that matter when it comes to the well being of her children

The ex could say that the OP's boyfriend didn't care about the children when he left her with 3 of them and shacked up with someone else. She's the one looking after them all everyday, she doesn't have to also play nice with dads girlfriend to make them all feel better about it.

[redfairy]

OP, it's incredibly hard to see your ExP move on with their lives. Distancing themselves from the new partner can be a coping mechanism. You have the added complication that your relationship started very soon after the marriage wasn't even cold on the stove which muddies the waters further.
You can't force someone to get over a relationship breakup to your timescale. You have to hope she will soften in time but you can't count on it.
What sort of relationship would you like to have with the EXW?

[WeirdAndPissedOff]

Hmm, it's difficult. I can see why ExP would feel that way, and wouldn't want to hear the kids talking happily about their time with your and DP.
I think she's within her rights not to want to see you, though allowances should be made if eg the alterative is for DP to drive when severely unwell.

However she is being very unreasonable not to allow the kids to talk about you. As a pp said they are being censored in their own home, and it is going to have an impact on them.

I'm not sure I would say anything though, as I think it would be unlikely to much except make things worse.

[MandateMandy]

toosexy why does any of that matter when it comes to the well being of her children. Children of separated parents do less well at school and are at higher risk of mental health problems unless there is minimal conflict. The more conflict and bad feeling the higher the chance of the child struggling. ExW can nurse her rage at her ex husband and even the op but she needs to keep the kids out of it for their sake.