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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive tantrums at nearly 6 years old!

40 replies

Mumofone1970 · 16/07/2017 20:50

Son has never been one for tantrums really but the last few months he has suddenly taken to them!
So much so he's screamed at the top of his lungs for the past hour because he lost his action man toy after hitting me as he snapped his pencil in half ( in anger as he wouldn't turn the Volume down on his iPad after being asked 3 times so that was taken away )
He has a warning earlier after hitting me for not going to collect his water bottle from upstairs for him as I was washing up and he has legs and he was told if there is any more violence his new action man figure he got yesterday would go.
He banged on the Windows, threw things, opened the front door and screamed so all the neighbours taking their rubbish out heard him before finally accepting I wasn't going to back down and having his story and going to sleep.
I try massively to positively parent so now feel terrible about taking the bloody figure away but I am also aware he needs to know he can't lash out.
I've lost count of the times I've said recently " nobody is allowed to hit anyone blah blah blah "
Isn't this age just a bit old for the START of tantrums??

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofone1970 · 16/07/2017 21:15

H

OP posts:
Angelicinnocent · 16/07/2017 21:22

No set age for them, it happens whenever they decide to push the boundaries.

Most important thing is remain calm and always follow through with consequences.

At 6, once he has calmed down, you should then be able to have a proper conversation about what caused the problem, why the consequence happened, how he could have dealt with it better and when/how he can have his toy/screen time back.

Original poster
Mumofone1970 · 16/07/2017 22:04

Ta for reply.
We did do that but it was just so loud, the neighbours looked so shocked as generally he really is a quiet well natured boy!
Maybe it's a hormone surge or at least I'm hoping it is

OP posts:
NotTheCoolMum · 16/07/2017 22:06

Has something changed recently? Loss of a family member, addition of a step dad etc? Possible bullying at school? Etc

leccybill · 16/07/2017 22:09

I'd maybe put it down to end of term extreme tiredness. My DD is 7 and been alternating between moodiness, anger and weeping all weekend. She's shattered and Friday can't come soon enough.

WaspsAreBastards · 16/07/2017 22:11

Following because mine is the same, although they haven't begun as recently as your DS. I apologise for having no advice!Blush

mygorgeousmilo · 16/07/2017 22:19

I don't scream and shout or hit my kids, so it's it's not like I'm aggressive or anything that is too hardline - but if one of my kids hit me - there would be no later on/I pad, action man or anything like that. I would be outraged, completely and utterly furious. The fact that he even asked you to get his water bottle is telling. He needs to maybe have some chores or responsibilities, and to lose privelages for things like hitting you.

Original poster
Mumofone1970 · 16/07/2017 22:27

Why is it telling he asked for his water bottle? He can be lazy but I don't think it's " telling " TBH!
I don't do a consequence without a warning, is this the part you are disagreeing with? I do agree he should not be hitting me at all and as I said regularly we have the conversation of nobody hurts anyone, mummy wouldn't hurt you, you can't hurt me etc etc. Nothing's changed at all recently that I know of. He doesn't fit in well at school, mainly as he's generally a very placid non boisterous child! so it could be part of that I suppose.

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mygorgeousmilo · 16/07/2017 22:37

I would warn my kids for most things, but hitting me is not one of those things. A child of that age surely doesn't need warnings not to hit their parents. It's telling he asked you to go and get his water bottle because it means he thinks you'll stop what you're doing - he can physically see you doing something, and go and do his bidding. He lashed out when you said no. The fact that he assumed you would do it otherwise (if you weren't busy), yes, it's telling.

Original poster
Mumofone1970 · 16/07/2017 22:46

I see what you mean. He does expect things to stop for him and I guess this isn't helped by him being an only child.
It was hard to enforce a punishment for that as we were literally on the way out for a party so it was a telling off and a " warning " on his behaviour chart which he seems to have lost interest in anyway TBH.

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Ekphrasis · 17/07/2017 07:09

Behaviour charts only really work at school. (I don't like them anyway! But a teacher of children with challenging behaviour so we do use them).

There's an awesome book called 'how to talk to kids so they'll listen and how to listen do they'll talk'. (It works on adults too!) it really is useful for these times.

There's a new one for 'little kids;' I can't remember what age it goes up to, so maybe compare on Amazon. Both are really useful and give many scenarios, helpfully often in cartoon drawings as eating through text when you're frazzled is useless!

Original poster
Mumofone1970 · 17/07/2017 07:57

I've read all those books especially by Stephen biddulph
It's just knowing what to do with the screaming as the only way that would stop it is by giving him exactly what he wants at that time!

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Ikillpotplants · 17/07/2017 08:07

I would ask him (afterwards when all is calm) what he thinks would help him to calm down and what he thinks should happen when he hits people. Worth a try. For the screaming, I think it's just riding it out. We have a DD who tantrums. I explain I am here for a hug when she wants one and then leave her to it until she is calm enough to seek us out for comfort.

user1495025590 · 17/07/2017 08:07

Its the end of term and he is tired, ready for the summer holidays.

BlackeyedSusan · 17/07/2017 08:12

oh god the shouting so the neighbours can hear.

mine is autistic, when he kicks/hits/scratches me he then loudly accuses me for doing it to him first... then quieter says you once did it a long time ago(nope) or even well you moved your leg (yep that was me walking) or you looked like you wanted to hit me.

ds sometimes gets a hug when he is screaming. boobs sort of muffle the sound a bit.

Original poster
Mumofone1970 · 17/07/2017 09:14

Blackeyedsusan,
Your boob comment made me laugh after wanting to cry with tiredness this morning!
Luckily he doesn't say things like that but I would be even more mortified than I am if he starts saying such things in front of our ( miserable ) neighbours!!
He doesn't want a hug when he gets like that, he just lashes out more or if he does calm down its for a very quick moment to ask if he can have the toy back and when the answer is no the screaming continues!

OP posts:
Angelicinnocent · 17/07/2017 21:48

Sorry but just let the screaming continue. If it bothers you so much about the neighbours hearing, say very loudly (and outside if necessary) screaming does not get you your own way, you are too old for tantrums.

At which point, all the neighbours will think oh god I remember those days and think no more about it.

A 6 year old being left to scream in a tantrum is not the same as a baby being left to scream. If you give in, he will continue to do it because it gets him his own way.

Original poster
Mumofone1970 · 17/07/2017 22:15

Do you think I'm crazy for caring what the neighbours think!!

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Muddlingalongalone · 17/07/2017 22:29

This is very familiar to me as DD1 who is also 6 has had lots of tantrums recently.
I have found letting her have safe space on her bed - not sending her to her room - to calm down, and then talking to her with lots of cuddles helps her bounce back to her normal self, but consistency of actions and consequences is v important.

I think her on/off love/hate relationship with a "friend" at school is playing on her mind and seems to be the root cause but tiredness also an issue.
Was talking to woman who runs breakfast club who says the behaviour in the last week or so of school is crazy.

Angelicinnocent · 18/07/2017 06:28

If you are generally on good terms with your neighbours and this is a recent development (i.e. they don't think your son screaming his head off is normal behaviour for him) then no, I wouldn't be bothered what they thought about him screaming. My closest neighbours would just ask me or I would tell them that he has finally discovered the power of the tantrum.

Pretty much every parent has been there.

MiniCooperLover · 18/07/2017 06:34

Ignore the neighbours focus on the child. He already knows the louder he gets the quicker you give in and that's not the way to keep going! He's 6, he's probably shattered from the end of school, however 6 is old enough to be able to calm himself without too much issue. I'm afraid I would have considered taking him back inside and not allowed him to go to the party as a sharp shock in reality may have helped there. I do not like when my 6 year old is upset however I'm also not there for his abuse either.

Believeitornot · 18/07/2017 06:34

End of term mania!! They are so exhausted.

Ditch the behaviour charts. They're pants imo.

My dd (5) went through a tantrum phase a few weeks ago. It was like she was possessed and couldn't control her feelings. I couldn't calm her easily and couldn't really work it out until I clocked it was happening in the evenings and usually triggered when she felt left out. I bumbled through and established ways of anticipating it - I could head things off if I empathised with her feelings and set clear tasks. But punishments e.g. Removing toys didn't work because she felt so overwhelmed emotionally. She was also having trouble with school friends.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 18/07/2017 06:42

I completely ignore my six year old for this behaviour (when I'm certain there's nothing wrong other than spoilt brat syndrome) he gets nothing from me until he can behave properly. If he hit me he'd go straight to his room for the rest of the day and lose his iPad/ds/everything for a week. Not sure if that makes me strict or (God forbid!) a non-positive parent but I don't feel the need to pussyfoot about when it comes to my kids showing me respect. I have an almost-teen who's friends are now hitting their mums in a much more serious way so I have no regrets re my methods.

Whodoesthis17 · 18/07/2017 06:50

Say No very loudly.
and don't even look at him. Let him scream.
Sorry but either next door put up with it for a week or they put up with for a year, A week is better.
If your on the way out to a treat for him, don't go look him in the face as he scream and tell him, We are not going now, becasue of your screaming.
If he hits you again tell him and say that is not good, go and sit down as I don't like this hitting.
All you can do is tell him each time it is wrong.

Tollygunge · 18/07/2017 06:52

.