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AIBU?

Summer childcare issues with mother

75 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 09/07/2017 19:17

I have a terrible relationship with my mother- almost no contact but I keep it civil for my children.
She has grudgingly offered to have them for a week at the start of summer (she's only seen them for 3 hours since last November) as long as they go to her- 300 miles away. DS 9 is fine with this but my DD 5 understandably doesn't want to go and be away from me & her dad for 5 days. I have asked mother to come here instead but she is making a massive issue out of it.
Now I am inclined to book them into summer club. Aibu?

*Am trying to make sure they have a relationship with her. I would add (and this is the source of the virtual no contact) that she has visited her husbands grandkids on multiple occasions in the last 6 months and is going on holiday with his family and grandkids for the second time in 6 months - both for 2 weeks. She has seen her own grandkids for 3 hours in 8 months.

OP posts:

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Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 09/07/2017 21:42

Why are you even asking this? You can't send your two DC to someone they don't know, it's dumb.

1bighappyfamily · 09/07/2017 21:31

I wish people would get it out of their heads that kids need relationships with extended family when that family is clearly not interested or doesn't care enough to build that. They don't need it. They need their family to be the ones who raise them up and adore them.
Your mum is not that.

^^this.

MumsOnCrack · 09/07/2017 21:23

Please don't let it be all your fault. I'm sure it's not.

Questioningeverything · 09/07/2017 21:17

Whatever you do, please please don't send them to the person you've gone almost no contact with. There are clear reasons why.

I wish people would get it out of their heads that kids need relationships with extended family when that family is clearly not interested or doesn't care enough to build that. They don't need it. They need their family to be the ones who raise them up and adore them.
Your mum is not that.

I'd stop contacting her. If she contacts you, let her do the running. It doesn't sound like you'd be missing much if she doesn't

BarbarianMum · 09/07/2017 21:05

Why would you even ask her? To equalise the score? These are your kids - your job is to keep them away from abusive people. The fact you are willing to send your kids to your mum makes me wonder whether she's actually really a narcassist. My dad has narc tendencies, not even fully blown narcassism, and I'd not entrust him with a goldfish I was fond of.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2017 21:00

Daughter of a narcissist here. No way, especially not at 5. Holiday club. My dd stayed with my mother for 2 nights last year. Not sure about this year. Dd is 9 btw.

Believeitornot · 09/07/2017 20:59

Why do you want a horrible woman who you cannot stand looking after your dcs?

You wouldn't do that for childcare.

megletthesecond · 09/07/2017 20:56

Summer club. They'll have fun with friends their age and see you and your DH every evening.

Slimthistime · 09/07/2017 20:51

OP "She's also a narcissist and has never taken responsibility for anythjng"

I don't know why you want her to have a relationship with your kids in that case. I have low contact with dad because he lives with mum - who I love to bits - otherwise I'd go NC.

Life is hard enough without being saddled with extra narcissists. Blood doesn't mean anything. You could leave it and if they feel strongly when they are teens, they could get in touch with her if they want to.

on this occasion it sounds like actually no one is keen, so I''d just drop it.

Scholes34 · 09/07/2017 20:47

Summer camp is a cop out if you're serious about wanting to do something about your and your children's relationship with your DM. Some effort is needed here otherwise, it will be n/c o all fronts.

Lemonnaise · 09/07/2017 20:44

I wouldn't send them, summer camp sounds best.

Topseyt · 09/07/2017 20:43

It all sounds like too much hard work.

Don't send your kids to her. Neither they nor she particularly seem to want it, so much better all around if it doesn't happen and the situation isn't forced.

Summer camp sounds like the best option.

Scholes34 · 09/07/2017 20:37

How did your relationship with your DM get to this stage? Was it difficult when you were living at home, or have things gone downhill since she remarried? If you want you DC to have a relationship with her, how do you intend to bring that about. Your 9 year old seems happy with the prospect of going away for a week. Will he not help look after your youngest and give reassurance when she needs it?

1bighappyfamily · 09/07/2017 20:35

I cannot understand for one second why you would let this woman look after your children....Send them to the camp.

CaveMum · 09/07/2017 20:32

If she's too much hard work for a relationship with you this should go double for your children. They are more vulnerable.

You can't force a relationship if one party isn't interested and you shouldn't idolise the need for them to have a relationship with your mother. Better no relationship at all than one with a narcissistic who could do them emotional harm.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/07/2017 20:25

She sounds horrible. I wouldn't depend on her for anything. Even if DS wanted to go I think there would be a huge chance that she'd back out at the last minute or that he'd have a miserable time and you'd end up trying to figure out how to get him home sooner.

That being said there's nothing wrong with grandparents having one DGC at a time. My parents only had one of mine at a time for a week during the summer. Both of them would have been too much for Mum because my dad was in very poor health. But this way they each had one on one with my parents for a week and it wasn't too stressful for Dad.

Happyhappyveggie · 09/07/2017 20:23

@mumsoncrack pretty much!

OP posts:

MumsOnCrack · 09/07/2017 20:21

Is everything your fault?!

MumsOnCrack · 09/07/2017 20:20

Tell her to jog on with the 'since you were 2' comments. Seriously! You're not there to entertain another adult or make her feel better about being horrid to you.

Happyhappyveggie · 09/07/2017 20:20

One set of grandkids lives overseas and the others a similar distance away. She recently said that she would see more of them but it was my fault for living so far away. And then went on a 2 week holiday to see the overseas ones.

OP posts:

Xmasbaby11 · 09/07/2017 20:19

No way. I wouldn't even consider it. It's not the situation for building closeness, it's a recipe for disaster! Too far away, too long, and she's not interested.

I'm really not sure why you considered it in the first place.

MumsOnCrack · 09/07/2017 20:19

I really think you need to prioritise your children and not what another adult wants from your family. I know it's really, really hard but she's not been there and, as a result, your children are now not entirely comfortable.

I'd stick up for your family and say no if I were you x

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milliemolliemou · 09/07/2017 20:16

300 miles away. How were they going to get there or your mum to come down? I think it's a long way if your DD got frantic. Why doesn't your DS go and your DD go to summercamp?

Are her husband's grandchildren closer?

Happyhappyveggie · 09/07/2017 20:12

@llangennith so true. Last time I tried to tell her how I felt she told me it was all my fault and that I had been difficult since I was 2

OP posts:

llangennith · 09/07/2017 20:07

Unless you've had a selfish mother it's very difficult to understand how it affects your whole life.
You can't have a heart to heart with someone who really isn't interested.
Don't use her for childcare. Put your children's needs before your own.

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