To ask the older women around

[PaperdollCartoon]

Did you have doubts or concerns about your DH and/or your relationship before you married him that ultimately turned out to be unfounded? Did you question your decision but are happy now?
The whole narrative is that everything will be perfect before you commit, I don't feel that's true. I think relationships grow. But I'd appreciate any insight x

[TheNaze73]

I seriously think marriage should be on a 10 year contract, with an option to renew or break the contract. Men really don't know what they want until they're in their 30's as a rule & I think a lot of people get the ring & don't work at relationships.
They'll always be great stories of people that have been together years & still share the same values, life goals & sex drives however, in reality there'll be far more that don't

[GnomeDePlume]

Been married 25 years

IME compatability grows if there is communication. If there is something you have different wants or expectations about but cant communicate about then that will eventually turn into an unspoken resentment which will damage the foundations of your relationship.

[RickOShay]

Can you talk to him about how you feel? How important is sex to you?
Do you fancy the pants off him?
Have a think about your priorities in a relationship, if you have any worries, the first thin to do is tell him.

[IrritatedUser1960]

Mmm I had some minor doubts but unfortunately they turned out to be very major problems and I'm now divorced a few decades later.
You shouldn't expect your partner to be perfect because nobody is but he should have basic decency and your core beliefs should be pretty much the same.
If he likes wasting money now you can be sure you will have none 10 years down the line, if he flirts now you can kiss goodbye to fidelity in 10 years time.
Just make sure his faults are things you can deal with later on when the first flush of love wears off.

[FinallyThroughTheRoof]

True in my case.

[Saiman]

I would not have married dh if i had doubts.

Marriage isnt easy and 18 years later the trust isnt just there its a deep ingrained trust.

But i am also not naive to think he would never break my trust. No one can ever say they wouldnt do something wrong.

I trust him as much as anyone can trust another person. But i am a 'never say never' type of person.

I cant imagine breaking dhs trust. But again never say never. I have seen genuinely good people fuck up occasionally.

Marriage hasnt been easy. Its been up and down. But on the whole its been great. So thats why we try and work at the shit bits.

I am 35 and got married at 20 if that helps.

[PurpleDaisies]

Look at his dad.

My DH is becoming his as he gets older. Totally. Good insight into future.

I don't think that's true. Plenty of people make totally different choices to their parents.

Op I'd say if you have doubts, don't marry. Things don't have to be perfect but you have to be able to accept them without hoping for change.

[BaronessBomburst]

If a man has a low sex drive in his late twenties/ early thirties, it's not going to improve as he gets older. Technique can be worked on - provided he has enough drive to want to work on it.

[Loopytiles]

What sort of "sexual incompatability"? V little sex? He's bad in bed? Into porn? Wants it more than you?

[FinallyThroughTheRoof]

Obviously don't sleep with his dad

[FinallyThroughTheRoof]

Look at his dad.

My DH is becoming his as he gets older. Totally. Good insight into future.

[Naicehamshop]

And yes, relationships do grow but not necessarily in the direction you want them to!

[Naicehamshop]

Hmm - any doubts at all, stop and think about things very very carefully. A minor issue now could be making you fee extremely miserable in 10 years time, and if you have children by then you probably will find it very difficult to make any changes.
Hth.

[Tartyflette]

Um, I think OP said incompatability rather than incapability.
As to incompatability, IME that can change over time and in a long marriage it can be less important as you age. Ours has been a bit bumpy, sex-wise, eventually we weathered the rockier times and thimgs have smoothed out.
BUT I wouldn't want to say that it's the same for everyone, many marriages fail due to sex issues, of course.
What I will say is that I had no doubts before marriage. We are 40 years in now.

[Atenco]

I'm older but otherwise don't qualify. However I do think sexual incapability is pretty major and not a good foundation for a marriage.

[user1495484765]

Trust your instinct. If something feels off, don't do it.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I had doubts about my exH; note ex.

I had no doubts about my DH; note DH.

[user1477249785]

I'll bite: I was worried in the run up. Because it is a MAJOR decision and I don't always trust my own judgement, because the man I married wasn't the man I might have though I would have married, because there were a number of logistical challenges and differences between us. I definitely had moments where I worried. The enormity of it weighed on me,

I didn't doubt that DH was a kind and wonderful man (although I did think a lot about his less good traits because I knew I needed to be sure I could live with them).

We are 12 years in and every day I think that I struck gold with him. He has been a true partner in every sense of the word. A really, really great human being, decent and devoted father and a selfless husband who is still my best friend.

I think some questions are normal. But I think the nature of them matters. Worry about the size of the commitment is I think ok. Concern that your fiancé isn't a decent person or won't treat you well, not so much.

Good luck.

[LittleKiwi]

Don't do it!

I haven't been married for ages, so I'm not the person you were looking for, but IME you need the initial insane attraction to get you through hard times later on... if there's always been doubt from one of you re: sexual attraction, what happens when you don't have sex for a while? Say you've had a baby and you're tired all the time. Starts to confirm what someone has always worried about.

[BemusedExpression]

Oh wait, I got it. Sorry, carry on.

[BemusedExpression]

You were drinking tequila on a train?

[LadyB49]

Niggling doubts beforehand became a 25 year misery.
Then I left.
3 years later met my now DH. We waited 8 years to marry but we knew at 3 weeks that we'd marry. There were no doubts. Married 13 years and still no doubts

[Notmyrealname85]

"If in doubt, don't!"

Things don't get magically better if they're not fixable now

[Seeingadistance]

I had serious doubts and concerns, rationalised them away. Marriage was short and miserable.

[OlennasWimple]

I agree with Vestal and Nellie. And I've seen in my friendship group that the people who got married with niggling doubts and the people who got married thinking that X didn't really matter or they were sure that Y would change after marriage are the ones that were the first to get divorced.