AIBU to think he can never drink alcohol again, and that this is a deal breaker?

[user1490655749]

My husband has been experiencing problems with alcohol abuse, it has got worse and worse over the years, and has finally resulted in a serious incident. He is not living at home at the moment with me and our children. He is awaiting an appointment with a psychologist through the NHS, and is paying for counselling privately in the mean time. He feels he turns to alcohol because of stress and depression, and if he can tackle these issues, he can drink alcohol in a controlled way. He feels his issue is not with addiction and he does not need AA. I agree he has problems with stress and depression, but also with addiction, and feel he simply cannot and should not drink alcohol. I don't think I will ever get to a point where I can feel relaxed about him drinking. I am also frustrated and angry at the fact that despite all the heart ache and upset we have been through, he can sit there and say to me it's no big deal if he drinks a few beers...

So, does anyone have experience of this? Have you or a partner or someone you know overcome alcohol abuse? How did you/they do it? Do you think it's possible to drink alcohol safely if you have had problems with it in the past, or does alcohol need to be cut from your life? I feel like it will never just be one beer with him, and although it's a devastating prospect, it's a marriage deal breaker, but AIBU?

[OracleofDelphi]

Poor ou OP - it is a tough decision.... But one I think you already know the answer too.... Many people have a slight dependency on alcohol and dont even know it. However most people who wouldnt dream of going to a weeding without drinking / or away for a weekend are able to regulate themselves, and dont allow their relationship with alcohol or the after effects, to affect their families lives. If he cant do that - which judging from you OP he cant, then he has already learned, he is unable to self regulate ....

Out of respect to you an your children who are feeling the impact of the serious incident you have mentioned, he needs to stop drinking. He needs to sort out his issues and be dry for several years. At that point he would then be able to look back with a clear head and a rational mind, to see if he could have a beer at a a bbq (some people with previous severe dependency issues do end up being able to do this). But tbh this should be something in the future, that he is doing WITH you, not telling you he can have a few beers now. He certainly cant drink now. Sorry OP

[Sparklewater]

My partner is - or was - an alcoholic.

He now drinks very occasionally, after abstaining initially in order to get properly recovered mentally. He still sees a psychologist, although less regularly now. For him, it was important to be able to drink normally, to have that control - and he never wanted to give up totally.

But he had a LOT of issues to sort out first in order to get to this stage. It's been a lot of hard work, but it's not impossible.

[RoseTico]

YADNBU. Except for a tiny minority which he is likely not a part of, sobriety is the only thing that works.

Aside from everything else, it would be incredibly unfair on you and very stressful. If he continues to drink, you'll never know if one day he'll take it too far. I have an addict's brain. It only takes a taste to set off mad cravings and mood swings. Completely abstaining is the only way to get your life back. You can't fix him, but you can improve your own life by moving on.

[valeriej43]

Sorry message got a bit muddled somewhere in the middle

[GherkinSnatch]

My dad is an alcoholic, he can't drink at all. His wake up call came when he was very, very ill and his doctor told him if he carried on the way he was he would die. They wanted him to do AA, but he just gave it up cold turkey instead which was risky. He's tried the "occasional drink" thing, but it doesn't really work.

[valeriej43]

Your partner is an alcoholic, and until he admits it he will just carry on until he becomes ill with Cirrhosis , or some other alcohol related illness
One of my sons is an alcoholic, he kept saying he was drink dependant,which he thougt was different
He has had a couple of strokes, only mini "you are an alcoholic" because he took no noticones up to now, but he was scared and the hospital told him he should stop drinking and smoking, but drinking first
I rang our Dr, and asked him to tell my son he was an alcoholic, straight out, as he wouldnt listen to me or others,
Our Dr has been brilliant, and so have another charity, [not sure if it a charity or Government funded to be honest,
My son has been in detox now for 2 weeks, and will have to attend rehab , as an out patient ,he admitted at last he was an alcoholic
I am very proud of him , and i know it will have been hard going, but he realised at last how his life could be in danger
One of my brothers ended up in a home with dementia in his 40s, through drink, he was there for 2 years, and one day went walkabout, he was found 3 months later in a ditch,in a very secluded are
I hope your partner can be made to realise alcohol will kill him in the end,if he doesnt stop, ALTOGETHER

[Dowser]

Im happily married to a lovely man because his late wife couldn't quit.

[cantkeepawayforever]

LittleKiwi,

Agree. I should have said that my dad is an alcoholic, but he has been alcohol-free for 40 years, rather than that he is truly an ex-alcoholic.

[LittleKiwi]

Unless he accepts he is an alcoholic and stops drinking, there is nothing you can do and I would leave. Best thing for you and the children but actually the kindest thing for him, too as that might be his rock bottom.

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

[MrsD79]

I have cone from having an alcoholic dad -died at 51 12 yrs ago to low and behold....... marrying one! What a total prat!! It will never get better. They will blame the world and his wife for everything. 100% selfish and the only thing tbey want is booze. I dread my OH comming home. Ì start panicking as the clock ticks closer to half 5. It's a nightmare. He tells me to ignore him as he reckons he'll be dead soon. Hes a lazy fucker whos had hundreds of thousands given to him by his parents and doesnt want to work anymore although I have heard this story for the last 10 years. And yes the money has gone.

[cantkeepawayforever]

I would say that it is POSSIBLE to have a very happy marriage with an ex-alcoholic (my parents have been married for well over 50 years) but not with a not-really-ex alcoholic, if that makes sense?

There is an unaccounted-for period of a year or so in my childhood when my parents were separated, and I can remember one specific incident of my dad drinking once they were re-united, but no more than that. As young children we were utterly protected from it, and as older children it was over.

I have lifelong asthma from the smoking, though - that I CAN blame him for...

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

You didn't cause this, you can't cure it and you can't control it. All you can do is support him to change, but if he's refusing to admit he has a problem (very common in alcoholics) there's nothing you can do bar protect your DC from the fallout.

[JigsawBat]

I would be gone. I grew up in an alcoholic and abusive household. One adult was extremely physically and emotionally abusive, and over years influenced the other until even the non-alcoholic partner was extremely emotionally abusive. Of course, I now have contact with neither.

If I saw the first signs in OH, I'd be leaving unless he had a very clear plan of action for recovery and stuck to it. I would never put DD through even 1% of what I was put through.

I didn't realise as a child that alcohol was involved. All I knew was the violence and abuse. I remember seeing all of the drinks, but I had no concept of what they meant. It was only years later that I looked back on the people I'd been raised by with an awareness of what alcohol actually was, and realised that there was constant drinking to excess and mixing of very high strength drinks. Both are absolutely disgusting people that I am very glad to never see again, beyond the alcohol, but no doubt it played a huge part.

It may be worst case scenario, but if the end of the marriage is a 'devastating prospect' and you're struggling with that, think of a situation like mine. Is the end of the marriage more devastating than your DC frequently coming to harm, and for them one day to never want to see you or speak to you again?

[user1490655749]

Thanks for all your replies. His drinking was at a really serious level, and he also got into gambling debt... He admitted to having a few beers recently, my heart just sank. He has also been socialising with friends and family, who know the situation, but continue to drink in his company. He thinks that he will get CBT, and that this is the holy grail. But if he is still not really being honest with himself, what good will it do? I also refused to do marriage counselling with him, because I feel at this point, he is so far removed from reality, it would be a waste of time.

[SongforSal]

Alcohol can be a slippery slope. A few months ago I realised a lady I socialise with sporadically is possibly an alcoholic. The last time I met her at a house warming for drinks, she arrived 'tipsy'. She told me she had, had a few vodkas and a bottle of wine before arriving. She then pulled 3 bottles out of her bag for the evening. She also posts regularly about her drinking on social media, and will think nothing of having a girls weekend away with drinking from 10am each day. It made me think, Dp and I regularly share a bottle of wine in an evening. Will open a second to! (Not every night, but at least 4 nights!).....But, seeing how this friend is drinking lot's, it spooked me as Dp and I have just got into a habbit/routine rather than full blown addiction, so now we will have a few glasses on a friday evening, and a couple of beers on a Sunday aftnoon with the roast! Although Dp had 4 cans the other night whilst I had lemonade and I was tempted to have one....But didn't!

[Judashascomeintosomemoney]

Hmmm, speaking from experience (life long depression, PND, and other mental health diagnoses I don't particularly want to detail) I'd say that I can see how addressing the root issues could lead someone to a position of being able to lead a 'normal' life in which they can once again do things in moderation. Over the years I have had issues with substance abuse, alcohol, financial abuse, laxative abuse and food. I have managed to overcome each one in turn but then found that I just replaced the 'addiction' with a different addiction. So, for instance, I stopped drinking to excess and managed to go back to only having a social glass of wine or two in an appropriate manner but at the same time I was virtually eating nothing. Then I overcame that to eat 'normally' but moved on to taking twenty laxatives a day. Etc etc. It had only been fairly recently I've realised that if I finally address the real issues in my life I might be able to ditch this destructive spiral. I'm not there yet, but I am getting there. So maybe he could drink, but crucially that would be some time in the distant future, when he has addressed his current root issues, not now whilst he's still in the grip of them.

[PsychedelicSheep]

It's not the norm but I have worked with a few clients who had problems with alcohol and can now drink responsibly. It's often true that alcohol is not the original problem but is the solution to that problem (of course it often then becomes a problem in itself).

I think you are well within your rights to insist that he is fully teetotal before you consider getting back together with him. Do you even want to be with him anymore after he's let you down so badly?

[Bizzysocks]

how much does he drink? is it just a few cans? If so i don't think it's a LTB situation and once he has had help with his stress and depression it may sort it self out.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

It's a sad situation, but listen to him, he's telling you, that he isn't about to change. It has to be a deal breaker, you are not being unreasonable, your darling children will always come first.
Sending you love and continued strength.🌺

[sobeyondthehills]

I gave up alcohol when I was pregnant. nearly 2 and a half years later, I went with the whole I will only have a few, 2 months later I am back to drinking 2 bottles of wine a night again. Stopped again, can't do having the odd one, I don't work like that its all or nothing.

I think that is the same for most addicts.

[cantkeepawayforever]

My beloved dad has been sober for 40 years.

Throughout that time, the only alcohol he has consistently consumed, on a weekly basis, is communion wine - he refused point blank to stop taking communion, though e.g. we never had brandy butter on Christmas pudding.

He can now have alcohol in the house for others.

He quit smoking about 25 years ago, so he is definitely 'good at willpower', but the fact he does not trust himself to drink ANYTHING 40 years on is a testament to how powerful that addiction was.

[CrazedZombie]

Of course he needs to be tee total.

But change can only happen if he understands what's going on and puts in the effort. It sounds like he doesn't get the effect on you.

My ex was a nasty drunk and was teetotal (unless he was away on business) for 5 years. If he hadn't we'd have split up much earlier. He comes from a family of heavy drinkers who turn nasty when drunk so teen ds who is approaching drinking age is very nervous that he will have inherited the tendency too.

He left for OW and is a heavy drinker again. After the kids witnessed some awful behaviour from him, he switched to being alcohol-free on days that he had the kids because they said they wouldn't see him unless he stopped in their days. He only has them 1 overnight a fortnight so not an impossible task. He drinks heavily on the 13 days but it's not the kids and my problem anymore so we don't say anything.

[lightcola]

Having grown up with an alcoholic father I would never put myself or children through it. He was never violent, but the anxiety it caused me and the issues I now have in later life because of it are something I would want to protect my children from. Be strong OP.

[orangeandmango]

I know a few people who have battled alcohol addiction caused by various reasons. The ones who decided that "just one wouldn't hurt" after a few months have ALL without fail fallen back down that rabbit hole to varying degrees. The only truly happy ans content are the ones who have stayed totally sober.

Alcohol is not a necessity. I know plenty of people who live without it.