Mismatched financial values

[Happyhappyveggie]

DP and I have mismatched financial values and it's causing us loads of problems.
DP is a spender and I am not and I spend a lot of my time trying to stem to dam of the issues he causes. For example he recently changed jobs with a massive pay cut and this month has been really tricky as he didn't get paid for a full month last month as had just started the job. He knew it would be tough- we have had to dip into very depleted savings already- and yet while I have been scrabbling about feeding the kids from the back of the cupboard & taking in lunches to work etc, he has been withdrawing cash out of the bank & buying lunch for himself as he's too lazy/ unimaginative to check the cupboards and make something.

I am fuming about it- he'd utterly useless with money and selfish.

I've had years of his inability to manage money and it's wrecked our finances.

Aibu to be pissed off and think it's becoming a relationship deal breaker

[jimijack]

So you have drawn a final line in the sand. It's an opportunity for him to prove himself...or not.
So difficult op, good luck with it all, know that there's always someone here with similar experience to listen and chat if you need it x

[May50]

My Ex P was like this - which I put up with for 10 years. He didn't bring any money in (cocklodger) as was self-employed/hobby but when he did ever get some money, say £50 cash in his pocket, it would be spent on a takeaway straightaway, as a 'treat' he said. It was like having another child. Ended up with so much resentment I asked him to leave (or get a paid job and contribute) - he refused to talk about it, or any counselling , just shrugged and went. I am still getting debt letters chasing him here (my house), so I am so glad we never had a joint house, or anything. One letter from court which I accidentally opened was chasing £5k , I returned it saying he no longer lived here - whether they've caught up with him I don't know.

[Happyhappyveggie]

Had big rant/ row with DP about it the other night after posting this thread- gave ultimatum- he's agreed some of the suggestions on here immediately including no longer taking a bank card to work etc and apologised for being selfish etc.
However bottom line is that I am not sure about our relationship anymore.

[jimijack]

What have you decided to do op?

[PurpleMinionMummy]

I empathise, my dh used to be the same. After many years of him running us into debt and me getting us out of it I lost my shit and told him to leave. Of course he didn't want to so we agreed he would have a spends account and all money left in the main acct would be bills and family money not to be frittered on shit. We both now get x in spends to do as we wish. His spends acct is a joint acct we weren't using, so I can keep an eye on it and he knows if he overspends on it all hell will break lose and he's been golden since!

[TheNaze73]

Deal breaker for me.

[TrinityTaylor]

I know you shouldn't have to but would it be maybe better if you set out a budget and he sticks to it??

[Twinklyfaerieglade]

Cut and run.
Experienced this behaviour for years. It hid a bigger story which grew as MH problems, bereavement and work issues accumulated
XH fraudulenty extended our joint mortgage to the extent that even with my 6 figure salary I thought we might be on the streets. Realised I had been paying for every normal thing, so he could indulge himself. I divorced him, thankfully he did feel guilty so didn't come after my pension.
I was 50 when I realised the extent of problem and took action. My regret is that the signs were there for many years before that, but I concentrated on earning more not sorting out the root problems.
It cost in terms of money but also in terms of the DCs world view and my self esteem.
However 5 years on I know that, albeit somewhat belatedly, I did the right thing.

[expatinscotland]

Without him you might be better off. At least, you won't be seething about feeding your kids PotNoodle and tuna because he bought himself lunch in Pret.

[redshoeblueshoe]

If he won't discuss it what's the point of being on a list for counselling

[FizzyGreenWater]

This isn't about you though - it's about your children ,their future, financial security.

Yes it's a dealbreaker and I'd be thinking simple ultimatums, not counselling. The lunches thing shows you just what a shit he is. He seriously does not care, has no financial sense, and is HAPPY to see you scrimp as long as he can wing it.

Sorry but I'd be sitting down and saying that either he gives you complete control over the finances or you split. His choice.

[OutComeTheWolves]

I'm in the same boat as you. I've no advice to offer unfortunately but it makes life very difficult.

[dangermouseisace]

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

It might be worth saying to him he needs to stick to a budget or else.

My ex was like that, and racked up thousands in debts. It was a relief to manage my own finances.

[TrinityTaylor]

Are you quite tight though?

Saying that he does sound selfish from what you've said. But I general are you very restrictive with money? I once went out with a guy who wouldn't get a pint in the pub on a day out with other couples, he would get tap water and wait for someone to offer to buy him one because he didn't want to spend. But would spend on his expensive hobby not saying you're like that, but maybe he would respond better to a compromise?? But why has he gone to such a low paid job???

[SavoyCabbage]

I couldn't live with someone who I couldn't trust financially. You could end up on the street. I wouldn't want the responsibility of trying to control another adult. Nor would I want to be cast in the role of parent or nagging wife.

[Msqueen33]

I would hate this. My dh is very cautious and handles a lot of the big financial things but neither of us are huge spenders. And are sensible with money. I couldn't live with someone who didn't give a shit about anything but himself. He knows it bothers and causes issues for the kids and still he does nothing.

[storynanny]

Hear not here

[storynanny]

33 years later he is still living alone, presumably doing his own thing with money hopefully not having been financially abusive to anyone else.
Sorry if that was a bit self indulgent moaning, I get horrid flashbacks when I here about others in a similar position and feel angry on your behalf

[storynanny]

My first husband was like that.
In the early 1980's I had a baby a toddler and sometimes only 50p in my purse, utilities often cut off, no money to access, whilst he lived a life of sports club membership, business lunches out etc
I didnt know what the term emotional/financial abuse was then but that was certainly what it was.
If I had not "escaped" my now adult male children would have had dreadful role modelling.
Dont continue to be the second best in the relationship, he will maybe not be willing to change his views. That would be a dealbreaker.

[MamaHanji]

That would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry op

[donquixotedelamancha]

Long term, if it's as bad as you say, then it will end up being a deal breaker.

You are aware of the issue, so fix it:
-one joint account for bills, groceries, necessities and salary- he doesn't get the card and chequebook;
-one account for you, one for him, each with spending money transferred in.

Explain the issue slowly, clearly and several times. Don't be emotional, don't blame him. If he won't play ball then you know that you and your children aren't important and you know what to do.

P.S. I'd hate the arrangement described, (hopefully he will eventually be a proper partner about this) but better that than things get worse.

[Happyhappyveggie]

He has been doing lots of overtime this month. But the issue is that even when I ask him to not spend money, he still does. It's like living with a child. We have very little financial security- I have life insurance for my kids and a large death in service payment- he has nothing. I feel stupid for not seeing it clearly until now really - we've been together 16 years.

[AyeAmarok]

I don't know how you fix this, I absolutely could not live like that, I'd be stressed beyond belief.