To think I've made a mistake going back to work

[shittestmumintheworld]

I'm feeling it's too hard. Dc3 has been ill this week and not been able to go to childcare. I feel guilt that I'm not at work and concern about work situations/cases (health/social care) and the s**t that will be waiting for me when I get back.

I feel guilt that I was hoping they'd accept her back tomorrow but they can't.

I feel my mental health deteriorating, I couldn't hold back the tears when doing bedtime story for dc2 tonight.

I hate the feeling that people think I'm unreliable at work.

Maybe it was a stupid idea to think I could juggle it? I don't know how I'm going to make up the hours I missed this wk. half terms coming up when I had leave booked. One of my working days next wk dc2 has a special assembly I was going to ask to go in late so I could go but it's hard now I've missed this wk, though dc2 would be devastated if I'm not there.

Anyone else feel like this?

[blerp]

You are in the right place for some good advice.

I just wanted to drop by and because you sound like you're going through it.

[Colacolaaddict]

It sounds like you have more than most of the trickiest bits combining.

I think health/social sector can be particularly draining when you have a baby or toddler - compassion fatigue. Whereas if you were, eg, computer programming, home and work each provide more of a change of scene.

Making up hours is a good idea but with set nursery days you need a plan to do this. Extra hours don't just materialise. This requires someone else to plug the gap, preferably DH. If he's not an option then how about: nursery might have ad hoc extra days available, esp on Fridays; I used to work Saturdays to make up hours - work always treated this as very conscientious of me but actually it was because DH was free to have the kids. Also we used leave quite a bit. Annoying but has to be done, and illness didn't add up to many days over a whole year. One option might be to take leave now, and if necessary consider putting older ones in childcare over half term. Not a very appealing option, admittedly.

It is hard even with a DH who does their half, but it does get easier. Having children at both nursery and school stretches you the thinnest of all, but it doesn't last forever. I have to say, though, I would love to be a SAHM now my children are older :) I think it is good for me and our marriage for us both to work though.

[MyheartbelongstoG]

Could a neighbour help you out in emergencies? I have a lovely neighbour that is a single parent. She is home most days after school and she is my back up plan. I'd actually be fucked tomorrow if she wasn't helping me out.

The hardest thing for me, as a parent is 100% childcare. I work around my children's school hours. I do Accounts for several different companies and I also top up my hours by working from home every day. I have a part time job 3 days a week too!

I'm in Dublin and there are plenty of language students attending school part time and they usually advertise on Gumtree. In fact, its saturated with people looking for babysitting jobs.

[TooStressyForMyOwnGood]

It's so difficult isn't it? I'm in a professional job and have seen so many people (yes, usually women) leave and seem attitudes to them change for needing time off. I can see the other side too if t is leaving places short staffed.

You also get stuck. I'm in a job that I like but with a horrible boss who makes everyone miserable. I can't leave as I have set days at work and can just about manage the hours. I have been looking for years and can't find anything that I can actually manage the hours for (need a shortened day due to commute and childcare).

[BackforGood]

I understand that you can't - as a 'permanent thing' work from home if you are looking after a small child, but I'd have thought showing most managers that you've managed to get 3 hours done each evening would be seen as an attempt to make the best of a bad situation (obviously if there are parts of your role that can be done like that). It is also important that, when he isn't traveling, your dh steps up and takes his turn - again, showing your line manager that everyone is pulling their weight and doing what they can.
Agree with everyone else though, that this is the worst time, and it does get easier as they get older.

[SnowinApril123]

I felt just like this!

I went back to work full time when DD1 was 11 months, I enjoyed it and found it manageable. Then I went on maternity leave again and back to work full time when DD2 was 4 months old and DD1 was 21 months old, I found it soooo hard! I just couldn't juggle a busy demanding job with everything else. I found getting out in the mornings almost impossible and as neither baby slept the night I was constantly exhausted. I really struggled to find time to keep on top of even basic housework/washing/food shopping etc. Then add to the mix I felt really guilty I wasn't at home with them.

Also my work colleagues attitudes towards me changed. Within weeks of returning to work I had to take a few days off due to my babies being sick and it didn't go down well. Within a couple of months I was made redundant.

[DoublyTroubly]

This is one of the main reasons that we paid to get chicken pox vaccines for all the kids, so we wouldn't have to take time off work to manage. Given that you are concerned, is it worthwhile sorting out vaccines for the 2 that haven't had chicken pox yet?

[SpaghettiMeatballs]

I know how you feel. I often worry I'm a better employee than mother as I stress more about the missed work than the sick child. Obviously I wouldn't feel like that if they were seriously ill but when it's low level illness that's how i end up feeling.

I would get your DH to take them out one day at the weekend so you can work from home and get him to take a days leave next week so you can go into the office on a non working day for a long day. That should get you caught up ready for half term.

Hope your DC is feeling better soon.

[shittestmumintheworld]

Thank you guys. You've all given me some perspective.

I need to keep a clear head and think laterally. Accept that they will get ill.

I think for tomorrow I will ask mum and dad outright if they can have Dc3 a couple of hrs at least so I can do some proper work from home (involves phone calls etc) even if I do it st their house so I'm there in the background.

I will tot up the hours I have to work back.
I'll make a plan to work them back to show my manager or if it's too much will take the hit of some unpaid leave (annual leave is carefully planned through the year for school hols etc.).

I will take heart that it will get easier as they get older.

[WhereIsTheInstructionManual]

Sorry forgot I'd name changed, I'm TooStressy.

[WhereIsTheInstructionManual]

Xpost scallops. It depends on the job surely? I'm a HCP and deliberately am in a job with reasonable hours. I know lots of couples where one of them cannot do flexible working (or could but would have a hugely detrimental effect) - police, army, surgeon, etc - so he other does the vast majority of pick ups etc. It's not always the man unable to change their hours either.

[Spudlet]

Your DH is a father, just as much as you're a mother... why is it that he gets to put work first and sail on regardless while you don't? It sounds like that is a big part of the problem, to be honest.

[TooStressyForMyOwnGood]

Yes, I totally get it OP and I only have two children. My DH's job and hours mean he can only do limited pick up and drop offs. Thankfully work understands this at least.

I am also public sector and have reduced my hours down to two days a week but am even struggling with those two days. Have had to leave work early a few times recently to pick up DC from childcare. Manager is incredibly unsupportive.

I constantly think about what other jobs I could do but as a HCP ones without shift work are like hens teeth. I really need something 9-4ish two or three days a week and can't find it anywhere. Don't even know where to start looking.

[scallopsrgreat]

Maybe your partner should look at changing his hours to more reasonable ones, like you have? After all they are his children too. It's not fair that you take all the burden.

Although I'm sure there will be a very good reason why he can't. There always is .

[MiddleagedManic]

It's a crappy situation. I long to be back in a proper working environment but between school not having childcare either side of the school day, school holidays, random teacher training days, polling closing the school as well as all the assemblies, illness, medical appts, etc. it's hard to fit work in to those hours and keep sane. The world has gone slightly mad. Grandparents shouldn't be obliged, shouldn't have to help out or feel like they should at all. In fact, I wish they wouldn't as then we'd all be back in the same boat and employers would have to realise that kids get ill, chicken pox is still a reality, schools have 48hr policies for sickness (quite rightly), hospitals give paed appts during the day only (ime) and all the other shit.
I have no answers, but I do feel your pain.
I gave up. I hate it every week and I browse the job boards hoping that another miracle job may come up that fits around school hours, but it never does. I gave up, we are just about managing financially but I have been there for every assembly, every first day, can take DS to after school activities, go to the park on the way home from school, etc. We'll never pay off the mortgage or have a decent pension.....but, I have enjoyed chatting to my son on the swings in the sunshine and I hope those memories keep me going when I'm sitting in squalid conditions in my dotage :D

Do what feels right for you. It's one life. Enjoy it.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Oh yes and we rarely make assemblies, sports days etc but commit to attend the Christmas show every year without fail, which gets them through.

[GoodEnough1]

I often felt exactly like that when my children were small, particularly after I became a single mum. Now I see others go through it and really feel for them. Don't change your plans, go to the assembly etc, these things are important too. Before you know it your children will be self sufficient and will rely on the security that your job helps to provide. Then you can put in the hours while parents of younger children struggle through. The fact you feel so bad is because you are a good mother and a good employee and although you may not feel it right now while you are stressed, that will be valued if you hang on in there. Trust that everything will work out and don't be too hard on yourself.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Honestly it does get easier as they get older. There were many days at that stage when just one adverse comment from a colleague or an extra demand from a manager would have been the final straw that made me walk away. But we got through it. The time off for sick DCs is a difficult one- at that stage because I was so close to chucking it in it was me that took the sick days rather than DH, as we figured it was better to annoy my employer than his, however as things got better and I have a better job (and now earn slightly more per day than he does) if one of the DCs is ill and we have to take a day off we do a sort of 'job-off' to work out who has the most difficult things to rearrange or cancel that day. We take annual leave, make the hours up, swap days (as I am part-time I can do this) and for chicken pox we each took a few days unpaid. The ironic thing is that often the more senior you are the more flexibility you have to rearrange things and be able to make time up, so it's definitely worth discussing with your DH and find out his firms policies. We also only take 2 weeks a year off on annual at the same time to spread our time out as much as possible. Hope things improve soon.

[Oly5]

Is an au pair an option? That might ease the strain for a few years whirl the kids are young and they can stay home with sick kids

[statetrooperstacey]

Have you actually really clearly asked your parents directly 'will you please have dc3 on x day and y day so I can go to work?' Or are you thinking well they know and haven't offered so that's that?
Ask them again. Don't be proud

[herethereandeverywhere]

You could vaccine against chicken pox to vastly reduce your risk of that one? It would cost a lot as it needs to be private(2x doses x3 kids) but could be worth it for you.

[Crumbs1]

You need an honest discussion with your line manager. They might be happy for a more flexible approach in the shorter term if it means keeping you. Can you do any work from home? Can you have a neighbour or friend on call for emergency childcare to give you flexibility - not to have a sick child but to have them outside normal childcare hours to allow you to vary working pattern? Can you offer to pay your parents to do likewise?
Don't sweat the small stuff. Your child might be disappointed you're not at an assembly but they'll actually learn resilience and how to cope with disappointment. It won't do long term harm.
You are entitled to unpaid parental leave so can you afford to agree with your line manager you'll use that when the little one is poorly? That gives around 5 days a year. I think you'll be surprised how understanding people are. You just need to get over the guilt of imperfection.

[Fruitcorner123]

Could you afford to quit? Would you want to if you could?

[shittestmumintheworld]

Emergency nanny i will look into - I'm not even sure there is such a thing in these parts (not London, semi-rural).

With my parents it's not so much a money thing as a too-difficult got-other-plans thing. My sister is another backup but she has happened to be busy this week. Could maybe ask her for catch up days though.

[Alexandra87]

Surely working from home with a child in an emergency is better than the work not being done at all? Is it the type of work you could catch up with on a nighttime while the dc are in bed. Not ideal but as a short term solution until dc better?