To not make a big deal of her 30th?

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I have a friend, formally a very good one, who is about to turn 30.

I say formally because over the last year she has dropped further and further off the grid. Will bail on planned nights out, not text back for days or weeks, has deleted social media (not that important to me but has cut off another avenue to keep in touch) she massively pissed me off a few weeks ago as she got in touch and was quite excited that a band we both love were due to play- so suggested we get a ticket online that weekend. She seemed really positive about it so I got mine, but it has since emerged that she never did get her ticket after all (but didn't tell me until I mentioned travel arrangements for it) so I'd be going on my own as it's now sold out.

I am in a relationship and she's met my partner multiple times and they got on, but I've made a big effort to suggest we do things together so it's not like he tags along. We have a mutual group of friends and shes flaky with them too, doesn't turn up to drinks etc, it really isn't just me. But she never used to be like this. I did think she may have something going on health wise or was financially struggling so couldn't afford to go out and I suggested going to visit her and staying in or invited her over to mine- still evasive, if she does text back at all.

It's been a year so naturally there's been events and occurrences happening in that time that we've not chatted about or caught up on, I feel like she's an acquaintance now more than a friend.

Anyway our mutual friend has suggested planning some kind of surprise for her 30th next month. It's quite a low key thing but needs to be booked in advance and it won't come cheap- it's a gin tasting followed by a meal. She also wants us all to chip in for a piece of jewellery at £25 each. So looking at over a £100, prob £130 ish.

And that's if the friend even turns up seems crazy to shell out that for someone who doesn't even answer text messages, but we were once really good friends, she made an effort to come out for my 30th, although nothing about it cost her loads, was just bat drinks. I'm going to risk looking like a total cow on the group chat with the person arranging all this- not said anything so far.

AIBU to think this is nuts and hold on to my (in no way plentiful) cash? I feel guilty if everyone else does it and I'm obviously absent!

[WhiskyIrnBru]

Maybe she has mental health issues? I wouldn't automatically assume she's being rubbish friend. Speaking from bitter experience, I know I tend to isolate myself and do similar when I've hit a low point. Have you spoken to her about it OP?

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

Maybe. But the last time she did turn up briefly for a drink she said her life was boring and she never had anything on at the weekends anymore we've all tried countless times to involve her in stuff. before she went off radar there were nights out, weekends away, gigs, sporting events... feel like the mutual friend is thinking a big special expensive birthday treat will remind her of who she was maybe.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I've tried tripping around the subject to asking her outright but I'm still no clearer if there are issues going on! I've even suggested walks or an art gallery in case she's got alcohol issues and wants to avoid booze on nights out and bars etc. Have no idea.

[SillyLittleBiscuit]

I have a flaky friend. For her 40th in April last year me and 2 others bought her some jewellery. We organised a meal, I decorated the table with cake and champagne. She phoned an hour before we were meeting to say she was sick. We still haven't all got together, she hasn't had her present and we've not had any thanks.

I'd not bother.

[EmeraldIsle100]

I agree with Just. Send her the concert ticket and card wishing her a happy birthday and say get in touch if you fancy a catch up. She has probably moved on to new friends. £130 is crazy.

Maybe message the group and say you have got her a gift and card yourself. If they probe about dinner just say she hasn't replied to your messages etc so you think she has moved on.

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

Juat remembered a friend of a friend who had form for this. .
Turned out she was involved with a married man and didn't want anyone to know.
She played out that she wanted nights out etc and keep her friends when really he wasn't happy she had a social life so she always cancelled. .
He bought her a flat and car. She has an odd fb with pictures of her designer shoes and bags and 'which ones shall I wear' voting on!!
She only goes out with him tho!!
Sad sorry tale. .

[EmeraldIsle100]

People who work together can have great relationships because they work together all day and have that in common. When they leave it can be the case that their friendships flounder because they no longer have that bond.

I was in a really close friendship group at work and with retirements and job changes things changed and we aren't so close now. Two of the group worked together for 17 years and when one of them retired they drifted away and they had been like sisters.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

It's a good point about working together then drifting apart but- we were graduates and met on a summer job abroad, so actually not like a long drawn out office environment type thing- and that was about 7 years ago- so the friendship had sustained long since we met working together.

[Whack]

It's really annoying when people excuse bad behaviour and rudeness as depression. Sounds like your former friend is just rude and doesn't want to be mates with your group any more.

[KC225]

I had a good friend who suddenly became withdrawn and flakey. Turns out she was having an affair with a married man. She was strong to secrecy by him and knew we wouldn't approve. He would call to see her at the last moment and she would bail our on a moments notice.

I don't think the surprise element is a good idea. Too risky.

[livefornaps]

To be honest if no one has replied to the thread yet it probably means they're not keen either but are hesitating over taking the plunge & stating outright that these are crazy sums of money. Be upfront about what you can and cannot do - my bet is others will be relieved & follow suit.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

See I've got no idea if she's depressed, physically ill, broke or having an affair, or just being a crap friend. I'm not sure she sees anyone at the moment, except her brother. At a loss and really would rather just leave it completely and leave the door ajar if she ever fancies coming back. Just have to raise that on the group chat without looking tight or a total cow.

[Rockhopper81]

I don't think you're unreasonable for not wanting to spend £130+ on this birthday celebration - it's a lot of money for a start off. Plus, I second what someone said earlier on the thread - sounds like the last thing this person would want.

I get what people are saying about depression and an excuse for rude behaviour, but honestly it sounds like there's something seriously going on for this person - self-isolation is a major sign of depression and anxiety. She possible genuinely wants to attend social engagements, but isn't able to - it's never as easy as just making yourself do something.

[BollardDodger]

Just sounds like she's moving on with her life, so you need to move on with yours

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Can you say something like "I haven't seen much of X lately, she bailed on XYZ and dropped out of plans to go to a gig recently. Even though A's suggested plan sounds lovely, I can't be confident it's what X would want. I'd be more comfortable with something less formal rather than springing a bigger budget event on her"?

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

The text above sounds ideal. The plan my friend has is to ask her out for just a drink with one person...then we'd all be there, and go on to the gin place. I can't imagine it will even happen to be honest- she probably won't even be willing to pin down a date and time.

[JustKeepDancing]

If she is the only one who is single in your group, has withdrawn from socialising, has talked about being lonely on a weekend - I'm inclined to agree with the others. I suspect there is something else going on. Has anyone ever actually said "Hi X, I'm really worried about you, you've been off the radar and it's not like you, we miss you?"

As for the birthday - agree financially it sounds too much. Could you ask her what she'd like to do? Suggest a couple of options - girls night in round hers, dinner out, ignoring her 30th altogether?

[Celledora]

She's depressed.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I think if that's the case Celladora she won't want to make a big thing of her 30th at all. I don't think a big sprung surprise with a big group is going to 'cheer her up' which I think is the angle the mutual friend is going for.

Of course, it could just be that she's moved on and doesn't want to be friends anymore.

[Rockhopper81]

I don't think the surprise 30th is the way to go, whatever the reason for her absence - either she's 'moved on' and wouldn't appreciate it, or she's struggling with her mental health and it would be the last thing she'd want.

I still think it's depression and/or anxiety at work here. I think sensing the speculative text - just to her - asking if everything's okay as you've not heard from her for a while and your worrie, and telling her you're an ear to listen if she needs it, is a good idea.

[MintyChops]

I like Testing's suggested wording. I wouldn't be getting involved in a big surprise plan/gin tasting/present etc.