Morning responsibilities!

[buckyou]

I'm really fucking cross but not sure if it's because I'm knackered!

We have a newborn (9 weeks) and a nearly 2 year old. A couple of dogs and horses. I'm on mat leave, husband works FT, not stressful but long commute.

Baby's got a bit of a cold and wouldn't settle unless he was laid on me all night. So it's not been a great one. My husband normally takes the dogs down the field and drops 2yo off at nursery which is a big help to me. This morning he didn't get his arse out of bed in time so couldn't do any of this.

Do you think I've got unreasonable expectations? I've managed to do everything now but tbh the baby had just settled and it would have been nice to get a bit of extra kip! Husband had a full nights sleep as far as I know.

Should I be doing morning kids / dogs while I'm on mat leave or should husband help? He doesn't argue and say he shouldn't help but we seem to have these occasions where he doesn't get out of bed quite regular!

[Roomster101]

Roomster you retracted it because you likened your situation to mine, when in fact mine woke regularly/frequently throughout the night, yours waking a couple of times is not the same as mine who were waking during the night at all hours.

No, I wasn't likening my situation to yours at all! I was just making the point that I know from experience that older babies and children sometimes wake up in the night in case you think (as your posts suggest) that I don't have any experience of babies. You said "babies woke regularly throughout the night for 18 months at least" and I said that mine did too because they did wake up regularly, however it wasn't as frequently. It really isn't the norm for an 18 month old to wake as much as a newborn and I can only assume that it was due to your child special needs.

My partners working hours were a valid point to raise, I was giving an example of why one parent may not be able to parent the same as the other.

I didn't say that all people should be the same, I just said that things should be equal as much as possible with regard to sleep and free time.

I child-minded for 4 years and in that time I childminded 7 newborns, believe what you will.

I don't believe that you childminded 7 two week old babies in four years unless you were the only childminder in your area who did that and parents chose you for that reason. Either way, it is certainly not common.

A lot of women breastfeed (I did) so therefor Dad can't help during the night.
Does that make those men bad fathers in your eyes?

Funnily enough, I did realise that a lot of women breastfeed. Does it not occur to you that I might have done that? You keep talking to me as if I won't know anything about babies/children. You're not the only parent on this forum! I breastfed and obviously therefore did night feeds. However, as newborns they weren't just awake when they wanted to be fed so DH also helped during the night.
As OP does do all the night awakenings who should or shouldn't get up in the night is not really relevant though to this debate though. This debate is about whether her DH should walk the dogs, take the toddler to nursery after he has had a good nights sleep and she hasn't.

And like I said it depends what job the father does, you can't expect an air traffic controller to go to work on a sleepless night, or a surgeon who has a 12 hour op, to do the night feeds just cause his wife needs her sleep for doing the ironing the next day.

I don't think you originally did say that it depends on his job actually. You said that she should "do all that" because she is at home all day and that things should only be shared when she went back to work. Your comment about wives only needing sleep so they can iron the next day says it all! Most women do other things during the day which may require them to be a bit more alert you know e.g. driving.

[buckyou]

Didn't realise this had replies. Not sure what that staff comments are all about. I suppose we could afford a dog walker if we really wanted. Why not get a nanny and a butler while we are at it!?

Anyway, I expressed my 'disappointment' and husband got his ass out of bed on time on Thursday and everything was fine. Much less stressful!

[melj1213]

I think that, since this is a one off, YABU.

It would be different if he was supposed to be doing it daily and in the last nine weeks or so it's been every couple of days or every other day or whatever, in a regular pattern that he has been "sleeping in" so that he can't walk the dogs or take DD to nursery, but it isn't.

It's entirely possible that whilst he's getting full nights sleep it's broken sleep - even when DD was a newborn and my Ex did bottle nightfeeds to let me sleep, I still woke up when I heard DD, then with him shifting around in bed, then shuffling round the bedroom etc. I didn't get up and tried to go back to sleep but some nights even when I had a full nights sleep I wasn't fully rested. So if this is happening to your DH, maybe it's not evident on a daily basis, but every so often it catches up with him and he oversleeps.

I'm now a single mum to an 8yo and even I have the odd morning where DD has come in to wake me up because I've slept through my alarm or whatever ... it happens to us all occasionally. I think your DH should be given a pass to slip up every so often, especially if one of the tasks he's doing that early (walking the dogs) is something that you can do a bit later in the day if really necessary. And worst case scenario, the dogs are not going to expire if they just get a quick "round the block" walk rather than the leisurely mile stroll they're used to for one morning, because you're busy with the baby and DH has slept in.

[ilovechoc1987]

Roomster you retracted it because you likened your situation to mine, when in fact mine woke regularly/frequently throughout the night, yours waking a couple of times is not the same as mine who were waking during the night at all hours.

My partners working hours were a valid point to raise, I was giving an example of why one parent may not be able to parent the same as the other.

I child-minded for 4 years and in that time I childminded 7 newborns, believe what you will.

Actually when I had my first 3-4 months was the norm for maternity leave.
If a women is going back to work, it means she's not breast feeding therefor Dad is able to feed.

A lot of women breastfeed (I did) so therefor Dad can't help during the night.
Does that make those men bad fathers in your eyes?

And like I said it depends what job the father does, you can't expect an air traffic controller to go to work on a sleepless night, or a surgeon who has a 12 hour op, to do the night feeds just cause his wife needs her sleep for doing the ironing the next day.

It's not all cut and dry, we don't know what OPs husband does for a living for a start.

[Roomster101]

Roomster but mine did wake regularly for the first 18 months? So what was the point in your answer, because at first you said,so did yours..then you retracted it?

I didn't retract my answer. Do you know what the definition of regularly means? It's not related to the number of times. It is related to the frequency. One of my children was still regularly waking up once a night at 2 years.

Besides Iv known newborn babies to sleep better then mine ever did. I was still being woken 4,5,6+ times in the night when they were 18 months. My 4 yo still wakes occasionally now,she can be awake all night due to her special needs, doesn't mean I get a break the next day or someone to help.

That is not the norm though and is probably due to the fact your child has special needs than anything else. Generally older babies/children sleep much better than newborns.


My partner has to be at work at 7am and can't leave the business till gone 6, so by the time he's home after his hour long drive, all the work at home is done.

Not sure why your partners working arrangements are relevant. Yes, some SAHM have to do everything by themselves. That doesn't mean that it is something that should happen if they have a partner who can contribute. In a partnership things should be equal with regard to sleep, free time etc.

I have known and do know women who have gone back as early as 2 weeks.
Like I said iv childminded for a while and regularly looked after newborns as young as 2 weeks old. It can't be that rare otherwise I wouldn't have cared for so many.

It is rare in the UK and I'm really sceptical that you have childminded a lot of 2 week old babies whose mothers are back at work full time.

Maybe in your world, mums get a break and loads of maternity leave, dads work mon-fri 9-5 in an easy job on some computer somewhere, where they finish early On a Friday. Some people are self employed and have to work really hard, and don't have time to chip in at home everyday as well. Life is tough it's not that easy, feminist views aren't always logical.

Actually, in my world (I'm quite a bit older than you, I suspect), mums didn't have much maternity leave as they do today and were mostly back at work when their babies were three or four months. As most babies were still waking up in the night then, it was the norm to do night wakings and work. That is why I find it quite laughable that some people seem to think that those who work must never get up in the night. I would loved to have been in the position of OP's DH who is getting a uninterrupted sleep every night and think that the least he could do is walk the dog in the morning and drop his child off at nursery.

[frenchknitting]

I've got a baby of a similar age who also has been awake from 2am - 8am unless he's lying on me most nights. I'm bf, so DH hasn't done a single night. I am completely incapable of napping in the day.

So, yes, DH deals with the toddler most mornings, brings me coffee and does as much as he can, despite working.

I've been up 5 times per night with my older child after starting back at work, and needing to catch a 6am bus, and it's nowhere near as bad as the lack of sleep with a newborn.

Glad i don't have a dog to walk too.

[skerrywind]

We have an income of over £100k

Enough to afford a dog walker at least.

[OhTheRoses]

Either DH goes or the animals go I think.

[JustMumNowNotMe]

I'm so lazy that I'm on mat leave, but DH who is out 6.30-6 gets up to do the night feed and settle the toddler if she wakes up

In my defence, I suffered post-partum insomnia both times and got really poorly from not sleeping for more than 2 hours a day for weeks on end. So he put his foot down and insisted that as he can wake up, feed and be asleep again in 10 mins and if be up for hours that he was doing it and I was sleeping with ear plugs!

We are pretty good at sharing house crap generally, though I do all the housework etc at the min as I have the time to do it .When I'm back at work we are both out the door at 6.30 and home at 5.30 and 6.30 so we just muck in and get it done together and have a cleaner twice a week.

[skerrywind]

Plenty of people don't have staff!

You could easily have staff for the price of owning a couple of horses.

[AnathemaPulsifer]

Don't you have staff?

Plenty of people don't have staff!

[SaorAlbaGuBrath]

I have to say, reasonable or not, that it would enrage me if I'd been up half the night with a newborn and my well rested husband slept in so made my life harder for the day.

[skerrywind]

If your OH works full time then he shouldn't be doing any mornings.

It's your choice to have dogs and horses that are the problem.

Don't you have staff?

[BalloonSlayer]

I think it's important that whatever he does, he ALWAYS does it, without fail.

When my DH worked locally he would sometimes make one of the DCs' packed lunch, sometimes not. Sometimes do their breakfasts, sometimes not. When he changed jobs and is now leaving very early he felt bad that he doesn't have time to do anything. But it's actually easier for me - before I didn't know what he would have done, now I do know (nothing) and I know what I have to do (everything). There was many a time previously that I would be rushing to leave for work and realise that DS2's sandwich wasn't made; as DH had made it for the last 5 days or something I had just assumed he would have done it as well on the day in question and it really threw me that he hadn't. Much easier now.

[Batteriesallgone]

All depends on the newborn. And the two year old. If you're knackered he shouldn't be putting some idealised 'oh but you're at home all day so you should be fine' idea above his actual wife, who is exhausted and clearly needs him to pull his weight. I bet if you were refreshed and getting two naps a day you'd be happy to do more.

DH and I tend to go on a 'who's more knackered' arrangement, it's generally me, so he gets up with the kids in the mornings. What is the point of me being at home with them if I'm grumpy and exhausted, we'd be better with me at work and them in childcare.

I dunno I find the MN attitude of you're at home so you must do it all very odd. Childcare is hard work! It's tiring, on your feet all day, constantly entertaining others work. It's not napping and plenty of free time to walk the dogs and clean the floors

[BoomBoomsCousin]

The thing that resonates with me from your post OP is that he gives the nod to doing stuff, he normally gets up in time, he normally takes the dogs, he normally gets the older DC to nursery. But when something gets in the way it's down to you. And that something doesn't need to be important. In the end, you are the one ultimately responsible and he just isn't.

There's a part of me that sees paid work as very important and in the team work environment of a functional family unit, it makes sense for you to fill that gap when the system breaks rather than him risk his job. But the flip side of that is that there is no consequence to him of him shirking this responsibility. Further, it begins to carve that wifework rut, where you have to be hyper aware of everything to do with the DCs, because he will do the stuff he likes and the stuff he's happy to do when it suits, but ultimately you will have to be tracking what happens when and making sure it all gets covered in the end. Because he's just "helping" you out. Not fulfilling his responsibilities and making sure they get covered no matter what.

That may be a bit of a jump from where you're at. It may not. You've had a child for at least 2 years now, so you should be able to look at the long term patterns and decide if this is a reasonable framing of what's happening or if it's reading too much in. It may be that there was some of this going on when it was just 1DC, but the things you had to pick up the pieces for didn't butt up against the edges of your buffer of "give".

[Unihorn]

Who are these people who manage several naps a day with a newborn?! I haven't napped once in the day and I've been off work since October. Clearly failing at maternity leave!

[sparkleandsunshine]

I think I'm very lucky, my DH doesn't see any of the parenting as just my job even though I am on Mat leave and he is working full time.
last night I asked him to do me a favour and have our DD (3 months old) on Saturday morning so I can go for a haircut and he said "that's not a favour, it's just parenting, you don't have to ask me for a favour, just say what you want to do and we'll sort the time" i should have known he would be that way, been with him for 10 years, but I nearly cried!
Read so many DH horror stories on MN that I was living in fear of his response!
So far my opinion has been that you are both parents, and being a SAHM can be very demanding, I know I never realised what it would be like to try to entertain a tiny person all day, and when we are both home we both work equally in our house. For example DH cooks, I clean, I do the first feed at 7am (but he goes and makes the bottle and brings it up to us) and he does the last feed at 10pm.
If you're unhappy with how things are going at all I would just suggest you have a calm chat with DH and say if it's upsetting you. That what I would do anyway.
Good luck OP, hope things turn out good x

[LedaP]

It sounds like he does do stuff usually. He slept in once.

Shit happens. People oversleep. He should be doing this sort of thing. But i think changing the routine and you taking all this on because he slept in once, seems an over reaction.

[fourteenlittleducks]

Fair enough if he had an important meeting or something where he had to be at work early, but not just because he slept in. Sleep deprivation and dealing with a newborn and toddler is completely exhausting

A long commute and a full day at work is exhausting too. OP said he sets off at 7:30 so that's hardly sleeping in! The toddler was going to nursery. Newborns are exhausting but at least you can nap every couple of hours.

[Nessie71]

As far as i read it has happened only once....let it go.

[FairytalesAreBullshit]

Ooh I like the sound of 1950's housewife leave. Communities helped each other more then.

[intergalacticbrexitdisco]

All this talk of being 'home all day' and 'napping with the baby'. Sounds a lot more relaxing and stress free than it actually is...

[Caterina99]

OP I'd be pretty pissed off with DH if he did that. You are a team, and you have a newborn and an under 2 so all hands on deck. Fair enough if he had an important meeting or something where he had to be at work early, but not just because he slept in. Sleep deprivation and dealing with a newborn and toddler is completely exhausting - he can get up half an hour early and walk his own dog.

[saladsmoothie]

When I had a non-sleeping newborn I did the nights and dh did absolutely anything he could to make my life easier.