Can I get custody?

[BackInBlack78]

Not an AIBU but not sure where to post, and posted for traffic also.

Background: left my partner Dave due to massive drinking issues and verbal abuse while drinking (think 10 cans followed by a bottle of Jack Daniels on a weekend binge). Dave has a 6 year old boy to Anna who passed away before the child turned 2.

Dave's drinking has got to a point where his child's welfare has come into question. Anna's mum and I have become quite close although she lives 90 minutes away. She would love to go for custody but wouldn't like to uproot the child. She has suggested I try for custody to keep him in his home town and is happy to back me 100% should I choose to do this.

I am not blood but have been a large part of the child's life for many years and would love for him to have a better chance at life than he'll have with his dad. Dave's mum was an alcoholic and being a family disease I'd hate for the child to be affected also.

WWYD in this situation?

(Names are changed)

[Mombie2016]

I appeared to be fed, clean, clothed and at school every day. I slipped through the gaps due to that. And so did my 4 siblings.

Reality, however, was that I wasnt eating - only at school as it was FSM.

My shoes had holes on the bottom that I'd patched up. They were also too small and my feet were covered in weeping blisters. I also didn't have a coat during winter and nobody noticed that either.

My siblings appeared that way because I was doing all that.

There was hardly any food in. When there was she wouldn't let us eat it. I got a vicious beating for having a drink of milk once. That sort of thing happened regularly.

I practically raised my siblings whilst cowering in terror from a bat shit alcoholic who was NOT functioning but was a very skilled liar and putting on a front.

Don't leave Lewis like this. It will be worse than you know.

[Heirhelp]

You are right that you are being selfish in wanting to maintain contact for yourself above the welfare of this child. You need to put the child first and contact SS.

[WhataMistakeaToMakea]

You need to tell social care. They can then make an assessment if any further intervention is needed. Also, If in future they were considering you as a carer, part of that assessment would be your ability to protect Lewis. If you knew about the alcohol use and hadn't acted protectively this could cause them to wonder why and how they would know you would in future (i am a social worker if that helps and that would be my thinking - not ness a deal breaker but would be considered)

[Isetan]

This is a no brainer, SS should be contacted immediately. I get the impression that there are too many adults prioritising their wants over this vulnerable child's needs.

[OhJustPassTheCake]

no idea what advice to offer, but thank the lord this little boy has you and a loving grandmother looking out for him - best of luck xxxx

[QuiteLikely5]

This problem is far too big for you to handle in your own.

If you are too afraid to call SS and admit who you are I suggest that if you know he is I toxicated at 7am in the morning you call the police at that time who will promptly go to the property.

If this man smells of alcohol or turns up to school under the influence then Education would alert SW.

Obviously the other thing to do is call SS yourself and give them the whole story and see what they say.

There is no easy way out for you here, he won't magically give you custody of his son.

I'm afraid at the minute you are putting yourself above the welfare of that boy.

[PurpleMinionMummy]

If the child is at risk you must report to ss regardless of where you think he will end up. I doubt school will speak to you as you are not a legal guardian.

[shaggedthruahedgebackwards]

You really are in a tricky situation so can see why you are conflicted

If he is currently behaving reasonably amicably in regard to allowing you and the grandmother access to Lewis then you perhaps need to monitor the situation for a bit longer to get a clearer picture on how much his drinking is affecting his ability to care for Lewis

If Lewis is fed, clean & clothed and attending school regularly then although having an alcoholic as your main carer is far from ideal it would be naive to assume that SS would remove him from his father unless there is clear evidence or neglect or abuse

[BackInBlack78]

He'd respond defensively, get quite nasty and not allow me to see Lewis

[shaggedthruahedgebackwards]

Dave not Face

[shaggedthruahedgebackwards]

I am assuming there is currently no SS involvement?

How do you think Face would respond if you told him calmly (while he is sober) that you are considering contacting SS about your concerns for Lewis if he doesn't take some action to reduce his drinking?

[BackInBlack78]

Lewis is not his real name

[BackInBlack78]

Trying to raise concerns about his drinking does not work - hence the reason we are no longer a couple... you can't change someone who doesn't see a problem with their actions. Since we split some months ago I've become increasingly concerned about Lewis as I'm no longer there to keep an eye on him

[YetAnotherHelenMumsnet]

Hi there OP,
We have removed the child's name from your post, hope that's okay?

[Garlicansapphire]

You/grandmother should contact either of the following charities for expert advice:

Family Rights Group 0808 801 0366 - they advise famillies of children at risk or in the care system about their rights

Grandparents Plus - the national charity which champions the role of grandparents and the wider family in children's lives and as kinship carers 0300 123 7015

[motherofdaemons]

How reasonable is Dave? Can you try and catch him sober and speak to him about your concerns? Will he react defensively do you think, or will he take them on board? He might be happy for the boy to stay at yours in the week and have contact at the weekend.

I second what PPs have said and talk to the school. If his father is being negligent they must have noticed. They may already have done an SS referral. Persuading your ex that he needs to either seek treatment for his drinking or allow his little boy to live with you temporarily would be the best scenario if at all possible.

[innagazing]

Hallowed mimic
There are many many children leading happy lives with their grandparents or other family members or friends of the family, due to similar circumstances to this. It's really not that uncommon these days given the number of drug or/and alcohol related problems in society.

I guess the concerns about a change of carer in this situation has to be balanced against the risks posed by the child remaining with an alcoholic parent- the physical risks of harm through neglect, including increased risk of fire in the home etc, and the long term emotional abuse caused by the child's most basic needs not being met due to the alcohol abuse. Many children of alcoholic parents go on to become alcoholics themselves...

On a more positive note, maybe the father in this case would seek immediate treatment for his drinking, if ss gave him the choice of stopping drinking or stopping having the care of his child?

In the event that the op was to have the child living with her, it wouldn't necessarily preclude the father maintaining very regular contact with his son.

[innagazing]

SS would be very concerned if someone who is very drunk was in sole care of the child.
How does he care for for the child at these times? is the child always fed and bathed and supervised? Doe the child get to school on time and attend regularly? Do the school have any concerns about the child and his living circumstances?
Maybe the Op could have a discrete word with the school about the situation so they are more aware and alert to what's going on?

[HallowedMimic]

whereyouleftit there are very few happy endings for children removed from their parents care.

Many foster and even adoptive placements break down because children of that age strive to be with their own parents, even when it is impossible, and fight relentlessly against their new carers.

Many years are wasted, and children end up passed between placements as they become harder and harder to parent.

If the child isn't in immediate danger, the father should be supported to keep him at home. Even if the father gives the child up voluntarily, great harm can be done by the perceived rejection.

Removing the child should be the very, very last resort.

In the short term, the prospect of a 'better life' might seem attractive, but any separation needs to be handled with a view to how the child will be affected right through to adulthood.

[Garlicansapphire]

Strictly speaking, there is no such thing as ‘custody’ in English law anymore. This is an outdated term which has since been replaced by the concept of child arrangements orders and parental responsibility -
as Antigone said.

Generally though I think the best route would be for the grandmother to discuss the arrangements with Dave and if there are child protection issues as a result of the alchohol abuse to go via the social services route. But there would have to be serious concerns, I think, for the child to be moved from his father - they would then primarily favour a family placement or other fostering options if requested by the grandmother.

[BackInBlack78]

Anna's mum doesn't have space for him and is worried that Dave will stop her having contact too.

I have no children with Dave, we were ttc at one point but the alcohol issues were too much and I didn't want to subject another child to it.

[Mombie2016]

Back the child will be suffering living with an alcoholic. There's no such thing as a functioning addict. Do what's best for the child and your duty as a responsible adult which is to put the needs of the child first and report to SS and let them do their thing. Removal of a child is always a last resort and if they decide to do that it's because it's needed. Usually they will keep the child with someone they already have a bond with.

[DancingOnTheTable]

If you want to get the child living with you the way to do that is to involve SS they will investigate his situation and if they deem him to be unfit to care for the boy he will be removed and they will look for someone else to look after him, either you or his grandmother can then take him in.
SS will work with the father and the whole family to sort out what is best for the child.

You can't just take him to court for residency if you do not have parental responsibility for the child.

[Mombie2016]

Yes you use entirely the wrong word and then expect me and the others who pulled you up to just psychically know what you meant Bore off.

[KateDaniels2]

How long were you with him? Do you have kids with this man?

Why isnt Annas mum doing something?