To want to know what is happening in my own home

[sunnyday3]

I live with my DP. He has 3 girls, I have 1 son.

Eldest girl (21) lives with her boyfriend and has done for 2 years. She never lived with us full time, but stayed with us 2 or 3 nights a week.

Middle girl (19) is away at uni but home at the moment for the last 6 weeks. She has always lived with us full time and saw her Mum 1 night a week. Her boyfriends parents live nearby.

Youngest is only 14.

My son is 19 and home at the moment from uni for 3 weeks.

Am i unreasonable to want to know what is happening in my own home? Eldest girls come and go with no warning with boyfriends in tow. They arrive anytime, including after we have gone to bed. Obviously the food issue is relevant and I need to know who needs feeding and when especially as one boyfriend is vegetarian and the rest of the family isn't. I have laid down the law with regards to dinners and they do let me know (albeit last minute) who will be around for dinner and who won't.

But really, I just feel like I can never relax. My own son, will always let me know where he's going and when he's likely to be back. I can rely on him to help around the house because I know what is occurring with him. I am constantly putting in the boundaries on what I expect but they just seem oblivious. I am studying, as well as working full time at the moment and I have to keep asking them to leave the room (we are lucky enough to live in a big house and I have a study), because they just come and sit next to me and kissing and cuddling. And I just never feel I get any space or time for myself. They are all nice people, but as one leaves, another arrives and I am constantly plastering a happy, smily face on whilst just wanting to put my PJ's on and not have to make conversation after a hard day at work.

Dp thinks I am "making a fuss over nothing".

[WomblingThree]

The thing is though, she can't tell her DP how to treat his kids and what his kids have the right to do, any more that she would expect her DP to tell her kid how to behave. If her DP pays his share of the food bill, then it's just as much his decision who can eat it.

OP, do you and DP have equal financial input into the day to day running of the house? If so, then basically you can't really start laying the law down and neither can he.

[SapphireStrange]

It may not just be financial input, though. It sounds as though the OP is responsible for (or takes on responsibility for) cooking, buying food etc; if the DP pays towards food, just as she does, then you can equally argue that HE should cook and buy food for his kids, especially if he's so keen for them to have free rein of the food cupboards.

[Littlepeople12345]

I think it sounds wonderful tbh. I love that they all feel so comfortable and at home.

Is it their home? Who moved in with who?

[AnyFucker]

Ach, some women just love to be martyrs

Put your foot down op, or continue to be the invisible housemaid and food shopper for the next few years

[witsender]

I wouldn't run around after them, but it sounds a bit like their home that you have moved into? Only one of them doesn't live there, as such they all have as much right to lounge in the living room or use the washing machine.

I think it would be fair to say to your partner that of course they are welcome, it is their home after all but you would like them to ask permission to have guests round etc.

If you broke up and lived elsewhere, then moved a partner in who wanted your child to behave differently in his home, how would you feel about it? The washing cups thing is a bit nuts...Neither of you is right you're just different. If he is happy to wash them all then he can just crack on.

[usernumbernine]

Just to pipe up in defence of your DP - I couldn't reuse a mug or glass. It would make me heave. I have to have a fresh mug or glass for each drink. Especially hot drinks like coffee or hot chocolate that have had milk in them.

[WomblingThree]

AnyFucker, how is it being a martyr to accept that she doesn't have any divine right to tell the entire household how to behave?

[melj1213]

I couldn't reuse a mug or glass. It would make me heave

Seriously? It would make you heave to take a cup you had had one drink from, rinse it in the sink to get rid of any remnants of the previous drink and then refill it with a new drink? That's just wasteful - in my house I can go days using the same glass for water/cordial - I use it, it gets a quick swill round, goes on the side by the sink, when I come to use it again I give it a quick rinse (if necessary) and use again. Whenever I'm doing the washing up, I'll stick it in and give it a good clean obviously, but no way I'm washing five mugs because I've had a day off and I've spent it at home drinking coffee!

[peggyundercrackers]

why worry about what other adults do in their own house - sounds like you need to chill a little OP and let other people get on with their lives...

[usernumbernine]

melj I would have to wash the cup properly with washingup liquid and dry it before I would put any drink with milk back in it. I am very milk averse and can only just about tolerate a splash of milk in coffee and very occasionally (maybe once or twice a year) have hot chocolate.

With cordial/water I can use a glass for water and if I want another glass full of water straight after I can fill it again but not if it has sat for any length of time. Cordial the same - especially if I want a different sort of cordial. I would have to wash up the glass properly.

I have a dishwasher though so the cups and glasses go in there.

[SapphireStrange]

peggy, what she is 'worrying' about is things like people doing washing at inconvenient times, coming into a room where she's trying to work or have some time to herself to canoodle with boy/girlfriends etc. Not to mention clearing out the food cupboards with apparently not a thought to how they restock themselves.

The other people's behaviour is having a negative impact on the OP's life; she has every right to 'worry' about it and demand a bit more consideration.

[usernumbernine]

If they are raiding the food in the fridge I would get cheap labels and stick them on the chicken, for example, with "for dinner" written on them or do not eat or I will skin you alive or something.

[PNGirl]

Ah. You are an introvert - many introverts would not choose to have 4 children for this reason but that's what you've ended up with.

With regards to coming and going that's pretty normal but you can't have people who don't live with you raiding the cupboards daily. Breaking it down that's a multipack of crisps or 2 yoghurt packs a day. I think taking turns to do the shopping would help your DP understand how much food that is!

[OverthinkingSpartacus]

DP doesn't mind them eating things that are for planned meals because it doesn't affect him, he's not the one going to the shops all the time, he's not the one having to replan a meal at last minute because the ingredients have been eaten.

If he doesn't see it as a big deal, he will be fine about taking on shopping, meal planning and cooking for the week. Just like he washes 25 cups so that the other adults in the house don't have to.

Dd is 12 and always checks before taking anything from cupboards, it's not that she has to but she does so just in case it's needed for something else. She certainly feels welcome in her own home, she just knows that meals need to be cooked and there's a chance that the cheese in the fridge is needed for the lasagne for dinner so would check before making herself cheese on toast etc.

[SapphireStrange]

If he doesn't see it as a big deal, he will be fine about taking on shopping, meal planning and cooking for the week.

Exactly this.

[melj1213]

Dd is 12 and always checks before taking anything from cupboards, it's not that she has to but she does so just in case it's needed for something else.

Same here, my DD is only 8 and is more than welcome to help herself to fruit or anything from the "snack cupboard" whenever she likes but she always lets me know with a shouted "Mama, I'm getting a snack, ok?" from the kitchen, and if she wants anything more substantial she always asks "Mama, can I have X?" that way I always have an opportunity to say no for whatever reason (dinner is soon/I need it for a meal/its for a special occasion etc) and I can keep an eye on what I need to buy next time I'm shopping and what I still have plenty of.

Also it means I can keep an eye on my budget - if I was having to buy stuff multiple times, just because other people in the house felt that if it was in the cupboards it was for them to eat whenever they want, regardless of others in the house, then I'd be annoyed. EG I might have flavoured and unflavoured yoghurt in the fridge. DD is more than welcome to help herself to the flavoured one, but the unflavoured one is for the moussaka I was planning to make for dinner that evening ... if she'd asked I could have told her that but if she just helped herself then I don't know till afterwards, possibly till I'm already halfway through cooking and the meal would be ruined or I'd have to try and substitute it.

[ginorwine]

I feel for you
We have a similar household
For eg dd brought friends over at 10 pm last week and whilst dd was getting ready one of the girls who is lovely , came to sit with me - I was ready for bed in jamas and all I wanted was sleep
There was tipsy laughter comming from bedroom whilst I was sort of trapped with another teen
At 1130 I said look ladies the old lady is tired can you go out ( clubbing was the plan ) now - I'm old and I need my sleep
.
The next am there were three I dd room one of whom was a boy I didn't know but is apparently lovely .

......

I'd say try to carve out space for yourself . I do early morning in the garden no matter how cold most mornings with coffee . Put my headphones in . Give them a job - they try to leave !!
I wd just put ur Jamas on - it yr home and you are entitled to relax
( I learnt my lesson once dd bf cane back and I didn't know and i was having hot flush and was Jama free going for a wee in middle of the night . It won't happen again ! )

[SuperFlyHigh]

Do as others have said and pass responsibility onto your DP for shopping etc (it's not just the money but meal planning that's a pain and for a boyfriend who can't be arsed to say if he's staying to dinner or not!).

You "could" with help of DP have a freezer drawer (or even small chest freezer) with extra meals like ready meals, pizza, veggie Quorn etc that the DSD and veggie boyfriend can "help themselves" from but they'd have to be wise that that is what they do if they can't let you know re meal times. If they let you know in advance re mealtimes you will cook what you're having (but state you have to do an extra shop). You could even suggest that one or more of the DSD cooks once a week (or in combination with the others) for all of you and/or shops and cooks.

Same with washing machine. It either has a rota or goes on at certain times or they handwash. Point out you'd like to do their washing but you're not their maid (politely!). Same goes for drying. If it's an emergency and they need a top washing on a quick wash then fine but make sure they know it's an emergency.

Also set boundaries re the canoodling next to you. Lovely they can do this but you do need your own space!

You can say all of the above without coming over wicked stepmother.

Bet they wouldn't treat their own mother like this so why treat you like this??!,

[witsender]

I read it that they did their own washing...But without asking first?

[Thepurplehen]

When dp and I moved in together, he didn't want to change the "help yourself" to food rule. It was something I relented on and other rules I pushed for. It's all about compromise. At that time, though, they were all living with is only part of the week, so obviously it was easier to deal with. Now, they can be with us at anytime and bring at least two extra people too.

[Religionorno]

Definitely no PDAs in front of you. Change the single chair for a two seater. I would really go mad at this, it's guaranteed to make anyone in the same room uncomfortable.

Is dsd who no longer lives at home still using her bedroom lots? Can you add a desk/sockets and you use it as your study if she's not there?

[sunnyday3]

Ok, thanks for all the replies.

I think the conclusion I have reached is that I am introverted and need space, time to myself and routine and structure.

The current arrangement doesn't make me very happy and I'm constantly stressed when they're here all the time.

There are going to be ground rules put in place for cooking, shopping and washing. Also for times coming in and out of the house and I am asking them to leave me in the study if they're not actually studying. I think I need firmer boundaries for the practicalities. I think this will help alleviate a lot of my stress and make me feel more positive towards them.

However, I also realise that they are young people who want to live their own lives and I think I can't really dictate their complete life routine. A certain amount of two-ing and fro-ing is to be expected. I am going to seriously consider the "den" idea. The trouble is I can go for weeks where I don't need an "escape" and then have a few days where I feel really drained by it all and just want to run away!

[Eatingcheeseontoast]

That all sounds very sensible OP. Though I'm not sure how practical the times coming in and out of the house will be!

I do just take myself off when it all gets too much for my introverted self. A weekend away did wonders for me. And I seriously thought about renting myself a little flat somewhere till they were more grown up to just retreat to when necessary.

My Dad had his study where none of us were allowed. That would be worth exploring.

[sunnyday3]

I won't be asking for exact times, but "are you staying here tonight?" at 8pm will be expected to receive a response of more than "I don't know" if they have no plans to go to a party or socialising.

Currently they just decide at bedtime, they're going to stay at the others house.

I've also been woken up at 5:30am by bf going out. I had no idea, he was planning to leave early. I think it's just common courtesy to let us know before it happens.

[usernumbernine]

Funny how this popped up on my threads I'm on this morning when I was woken at 2.30am by DD going out, then coming in at 3am and her boyfriend is here because his shoes are in my hall.

It's a pain at times, but hey ho.