To want to know what is happening in my own home

[sunnyday3]

I live with my DP. He has 3 girls, I have 1 son.

Eldest girl (21) lives with her boyfriend and has done for 2 years. She never lived with us full time, but stayed with us 2 or 3 nights a week.

Middle girl (19) is away at uni but home at the moment for the last 6 weeks. She has always lived with us full time and saw her Mum 1 night a week. Her boyfriends parents live nearby.

Youngest is only 14.

My son is 19 and home at the moment from uni for 3 weeks.

Am i unreasonable to want to know what is happening in my own home? Eldest girls come and go with no warning with boyfriends in tow. They arrive anytime, including after we have gone to bed. Obviously the food issue is relevant and I need to know who needs feeding and when especially as one boyfriend is vegetarian and the rest of the family isn't. I have laid down the law with regards to dinners and they do let me know (albeit last minute) who will be around for dinner and who won't.

But really, I just feel like I can never relax. My own son, will always let me know where he's going and when he's likely to be back. I can rely on him to help around the house because I know what is occurring with him. I am constantly putting in the boundaries on what I expect but they just seem oblivious. I am studying, as well as working full time at the moment and I have to keep asking them to leave the room (we are lucky enough to live in a big house and I have a study), because they just come and sit next to me and kissing and cuddling. And I just never feel I get any space or time for myself. They are all nice people, but as one leaves, another arrives and I am constantly plastering a happy, smily face on whilst just wanting to put my PJ's on and not have to make conversation after a hard day at work.

Dp thinks I am "making a fuss over nothing".

[AnyFucker]

I have teens that treat the place like a hotel

I no longer cook for them, clean for them nor inconvenience myself in any way

They bring friends back but mainly when we are not here, I guess because although we ate not rude we do not change what we are doing in any way. So if H wants a toastie in his keks in front if the telly, he does it. If I have work to do, I tell visitors it's time to go home. Now they are over 16, they are allowed visitors in their room so I freeze them out of the way


H and I ate in charge here and it is made very clear my adult children are not my mates and if they don't like it they can find somewhere else to live

Probably sounds harsh, but I do not work hard all day to let freeloaders call the shots.

[chocatoo]

Time for a family conference to set some parameters. Stop cooking and doing stuff for any kids beyond school age during the week. Offer a family meal at a set time at the weekend with the proviso that you will only cater for those who have let you know by a certain time. Move a desk into your bedroom or ideally another room which is your office and no one is allowed to share. If there is nowhere for the wet washing, leave it in a wet pile in an ikea bag, etc., etc. Stand firm.

[usernumbernine]

I'm with Anyfucker.

Once over 16 they either let me have space when I want it or they can fuck off to their rooms or alternatively move out.

By fuck would I be hiding away because a teen wanted to do what my mother would have called heavy petting in my living room.

I think it's time to woman up and tell them to play by new rules.

[AnyFucker]

"Heavy petting" is an absolute deal breaker. Start that kind of disrespectful shit in front of me and my toe will guide you out the door.

[sunnyday3]

I think the problem with going to the bedroom is that I then feel I am being banished to my room like a child, whilst the children are sprawled out in the front room / study / kitchen enjoying the home.

I then do start to feel resentful about paying for it all and not being able to enjoy it as I then feel I am effectively paying for a whole house but living in a bedsit!

However, I am giving serious consideration into creating a "den" that is mine alone, but it would mean using a bedroom, namely the one used by DSD1 who doesn't live with us. I don't think DP will agree to that though.

[AnyFucker]

Put a telly/Netflix in dsd1's room and banish them there

And I would be telling DP it was happening, full stop

[TattyCat]

I think with regard to who's in and who's out of the house at any given time, you need to know if someone plans to change their mind and come home. If, God forbid, there was a fire in your home in the night, you wouldn't know who was in and who was out, so for that reason alone it's imperative that you know everyone's whereabouts.

And I'd start being a bit harsher around needing some alone space! Just tell the canoodlers that you really don't want to watch them so can they please bugger off somewhere else to lick each other.

[confusedat23]

When I was first with now DH his mum was like this (I was also 21 if this helps) and the dinner thing used to really piss us off... Just let them feed themselves then! Why does it stress you out? Honestly as fully grown adults we couldn't understand his mothers incessant need to feed us... They will sort themselves out with food if hungry.

Secondly you need to tell everyone who does not live with you that they do their washing AT THEIR OWN HOME! If they need help with it they can ask but it must be on specific days only and when you have time to do it.

Thirdly the thing about them coming and going I think you need to just deal with OP they won't be around forever and then your house will be a really quiet place... If you want to stress yourself out by saying no one come in after 10pm for example then that is up to you but I just see it causing more trouble. However for your son and DD that lives with you (Whilst not at uni) They do need to have the respect to let you know when they will be coming home. For example when I used to go to parties or clubs when I was first an adult I used to tell my parents to not worry about me coming in as I would need to wait for first tube home so wouldnt be home before they were up for breakfast and that seemed to make a good compromise!

Lastly about the your own space thing... they are your children? my oldest sister is 25 and she is still always in the living room... albeit mum gets to watch what she wants but you cannot just chuck them all out because you want alone time in the family room!

[sunnyday3]

AnyFucker, they have been offered tv's in their rooms but they always refuse and then sit with us all the time! DP won't ever tell them to leave the room but then wonders why I'm not up for sex the moment we go to bed having had no quality time to have a simple conversation with DP for sometimes days and days.

I have had the fire conversation with DP. He used to let me know what was going on when they were younger and he was driving them around so knew who was home and who wasn't. He stopped doing that from when they started driving because he simply didn't know anymore and didn't seem bothered about finding out.

[usernumbernine]

Then you have a DP problem, not an adult child problem.

[TerrorAustralis]

It sounds fairly normal for a house with young adults. I grew up with lots of siblings, so once we were in our teens and early twenties there were always people coming and going, including friends, boy/girlfriends and various ring-ins.

I think a lot of this is easily solved, assuming they're all reasonable people (adolescent self-centredness notwithstanding). Discuss with DH then talk to all the kids about it. It doesn't have to be confrontational, but just explain you're stressed and you're going to make some changes to help the household run more smoothly.

• DH talks to DSD about being loud when she comes in late. No door slamming, stamping, phone noises etc.
  
• Anyone who wants to be fed lets you know by 4pm. If you don't hear from them you don't cook for them. If they're at home and hungry they can forage for themselves.
  
• A washing machine rota is set up where everyone has set days/times to wash. If this doesn't work, all the washing is pooled and done together, but responsibility for washing is also on a rota.
  
• Set some ground rules for the study. It's for studying, not social media, snogging, chatting etc.
  
• There's no ban on kisses and cuddles, but full on snogging is taken to their bedrooms (or wherever).

[SaucyJack]

What are they gaining from following you from room to room to snog in front of you? Are they doing it to annoy you, or have they got some weird exhibitionist fetish?

Sounds a bit peculiar to me TBH that they're making an active choice to seek you out and do it within earshot.

[NapQueen]

Id turn the study into their space. Sofa tv and computer. Main lounge is for you and dp to watch what you want and discuss what you want. They can either watch the same and keep schtum or go and relax in their own living room.

[Eatingcheeseontoast]

I totally get where you are coming from. And would quite often disappear upstairs to have a v long bath when it all got too much. I also have an allotment - with a shed.....

But that not knowing who would be in and where and when - really got to me. It does pass though this stage - it really doesn't last for ever and I think you'll just have to grin and bear it.

And if you are studying - say so - - you need a quiet space!

[sunnyday3]

NapQueen - I suggested the "teen room" years ago. Both DP and DSC looked horrified and all agreed they would never use it.

SaucyJack - it's not full on snogging, but it is draping all over each other, kissing, cuddling. I would never have done that in front of my parents, I would have been too embarrassed. I also don't do that with DP in front of them and DP doesn't want to either.

I do feel a bit that they are ruling the roost but I find it tiresome keep saying the same things about space and respect and often just think I'll book myself a hotel room now and again for the peace and sanctuary!

[SapphireStrange]

However, I am giving serious consideration into creating a "den" that is mine alone, but it would mean using a bedroom, namely the one used by DSD1 who doesn't live with us. I don't think DP will agree to that though.

Bollocks to what he thinks if he doesn't support you.

But I stand by my assertion that the study become your study. Rearrange the room etc to allow other people access when and if it suits you.

I do feel a bit that they are ruling the roost but I find it tiresome keep saying the same things about space and respect

Then stop saying things and DO things instead. Arrange things how you want them. It's your fucking house! You do not need to leave it and go to a hotel for 'peace and sanctuary'. Stand up for yourself.

[WomblingThree]

I actually think I would have to move out if I was in your situation. I would literally go insane without any quiet time, and I couldn't cope with so little consideration for my feelings, when you are expected to consider everyone else's feelings at all times.

The problem is that your child and DPs children have been brought up differently, and that you have different expectations of your respective children. I wouldn't say either of you are wrong, but neither of you can just decide how each other's adult children should behave. It's everyone's home, and DP is obviously happy with the situation, as he doesn't want to change it.

That being so, I think you're at stalemate. He likes having his kids coming and going, as and when, whilst you don't and have different rules for your kid. It must be bloody impossible in a blended family to have rules that make everyone happy.

[ImperialBlether]

I think you could change your step daughter's room into a study without causing offence, especially if you put a sofa bed in there.

Just out of interest, did you and your OH buy together or was this originally your home?

[Underbeneathsies]

Get a do not disturb sign, and put it on your den's door.
I was going to say ask them not to disturb you but then thought tell them is better. Every time they come in, just shout "no, out you go, I'm working".

Tell then not to slam the fecking door when they come in, that they're waking you up, the selfish cows.

Stop being a walk over if it's bugging you that much. Seriously, grow a spine, your health is suffering.

Leave them to it regarding food and laundry. They're grown adults.

[melj1213]

I think this what I call a "jerk eating crisps" issue (someone eating crisps loudly would be annoying but I can ignore it as it's a small annoyance, if it's someone I hate or who has already pissed me off who is eating those same crisps loudly, it is the most grating noise in the world and I want to punch them but only because it is one more thing they're annoying me with)

The DCs coming and going is annoying, but since 3 out of the four have now technically moved out you've got used to them not being there, now they are around all the time it's even more annoying as they've taken over the space and are just always there when you've got used to the peace and quiet.

It's like when my Ex took DD on an extended trip last summer, they were away for about a month. I missed her terribly but after the first few days, I got used to her not being around - all her stuff was away in its place; whatever state I left the house in it was still in that state when I came home; I could eat what/when/how I wanted without having to think about what DD would want/like; I could go anywhere/do anything I wanted without having to consider DDs schedule or get someone to watch her etc. So when she came home, I was overjoyed to see her again but I did find it took a while to get back into a routine of factoring DD back into everyday life.

I definitely think you need to sit them all down and have an adult discussion about co-habiting together and treating the house like a home not a hotel. Then you can set some ground rules for visits etc. Middle DSD and your DS are home from Uni for the holidays, so I would assume they would always be around, but I would also have expected them to let you know they were coming home for X days/weeks of the holidays before they just turned up with a suitcase on your doorstep. Now they are there they should also be letting you know before they're inviting boy/girlfriends to sleep over or hang out in your house, equally it is courteous to let you know (whether by telling you, texting, leaving a note etc) if they will be out all night. As for PDAs, if it's a bit of cuddling on the sofa while watching tv or the odd peck on the lips, that's fine ... if it's playing tonsil hockey and wandering hands, that needs to be taken to a private space (aka a room without other people in). Also anyone using the room for it's legitimate function gets priority - so if Youngest DSD usually does her homework in the study but Middle DSD is in there playing tonsil hockey with her bf, MDSD has to vacate the room, even though she was there first, because a member of the household wants to use the room for its intended function while MDSD just needed an empty room iyswim?

Again, while they are home for the holidays I would assume to include them in any meal planning (so you cook enough to feed everyone but if they aren't there their portions can go in the fridge for them to have later or as leftovers) but I wouldn't be specifically catering for the veggie bf (unless you specifically invited him or your DSD told you ahead of time that they would be there). They should also be mindful of what they're eating - my DD is only 8 so she still asks before she gets herself a snack and I still cook all the meals, so I know exactly what is in my cupboards at any one time ... but when I lived with my Ex it was always annoying when I'd have ingredents in the fridge earmarked for dinner, go to cook and find my Ex had already helped himself to some/all of it earlier and now there wasn't enough left for the meal so I'd have to throw something else together.

Eldest DSD has moved out and has done for a while so there is no reason whatsoever for her to be bringing washing to your house unless her washing machine has broken or there's some other emergency. I wouldn't dream of turning up at my mum's house with a load of washing when I have a perfectly functional machine and washing line 5 minutes away! Middle DSD and DS are both technically living there so whilst they're on holiday I'd either have them put their washing in with the general family wash or I'd let them know when the washing machine was free (eg my mum's washing days have always been Saturday and Wednesday, whenever I visited from Uni I knew if it was one of those days I could throw my stuff into the wash with everyone elses, but if I wanted to do my own then it had to be another day/time as the households regular washing routine came first)

As for the washing up issue ... why is your DH washing 25 mugs in less than 24 hrs when there are only 6 people in the family?! That's 5 mugs per person! I don't even own that many mugs in the first place, but if my DD was using multiple cups/mugs for drinks and just leaving them on the side for me to wash up then we'd be having serious words about laziness and how she needs to reuse the same cup for multiple drinks, and if eg she wants water after a glass of orange juice, she needs to rinse her orange juice glass out and refill it, not get a new glass from the cupboard!

[sunnyday3]

There were 8 of us at home yesterday evening - we had been out to in laws for lunch. They all use clean drinking utensils for each drink. I don't and DS doesn't. When I moved in with DP, I was horrified at the washing up and suggested they not use a clean mug each time, he told me he was happy to wash up a clean cup each time. Shrugs.

And yes, to the "just let them get their own food" which means that inevitably my weekly food shopping becomes virtually daily food shopping because they eat things for breakfast and lunch and improptu dinner that I had earmarked for dinner. I might not be cooking for them when they don't communicate but inevitably I end up shopping for the food the next day because of it. DP has told me that he doesn't want his children to not have "free reign" of the cupboards in case they don't feel welcome.

[Eatingcheeseontoast]

Letting everyone have free reign of the cupboards really doesn't work!

I eventually went on strike - didn't do the shopping etc. It was fairly passive aggressive but quite effective. Once DP had to do the shopping he was less laissez faire about the eating everything out the cupboards.

And nights there wasn't in he had to fork out for takeaway.

[SapphireStrange]

If he wants his children to have free rein of the food cupboards, let him deal with the consequences. Listen to what Eating says, above.

If you won't stand up for yourself, OP, and instead keep complaining while simultaneously running round enabling everybody, nothing will change.

[cricketballs]

Sorry just sounds like normal life when you have older children - to be honest what would you prefer that they are comfortable to do this or never make contact?

[Birdsgottaf1y]

Like AF i stopped meal planning and cooking for mine once they made it clear that they couldn't plan what meals they were going to be in for, in advance.

You keep mentioning "your washing machine" and "your paying for ...", is it not shared by your DP? I had to change my drying system when my three girls became older teens. I got a JML Dry-Buddy and heated airier and just worried about my own drying.

As for going to my bedroom, i see that as my own space.

The only thing i do in-regards to food, is mention that there isn't something left.

Like your DP, i see it as all of our home, including my GC and I've adjusted our living arrangements, to fit us all in, without the need to kill one another.

It sounds as though you need to change your house management set up.