Staying at in laws-AIBU?

[Snowflakes1122]

We are currently staying at in laws. Every morning without fail DH, FIL and the kids all get breakfast. DH and FIL get full on eggs, bacon the works etc and the kids whatever they want.
It's like I'm bloody invisible! I've been helping myself to some old cornflakes but they are all gone now. I don't even like them!

So this morning I've been sat watching everyone else eat lovely food and have coffees brought starving and 31 weeks pregnant. I wanted to cry!

I can't go into their kitchen and start making something as that offends MIL

AIBU to be pissed off, hormonal and upset? Why does she leave me out?

[GaelicSiog]

My ex in laws used to do something similar. I got tiny, tiny portions like you would give to a toddler. Turned out ex MIL thought I needed to lose weight :( she's still a miserable cow.

[KatherinaMinola]

Obviously if you are happy for DC to have contact with their GPs without you being present then you do not need to have this discussion.

"Of course you still need a discussion! Who would just "go NC" with their partners family without discussing it with their partner, and children? That would be crazy."

Chai, if you read my posts above you'll see that I'm talking specifically about why you might (or might not) need your DP's "consent" to go NC - and that's what the "discussion" refers to. Of course you will talk to your DP about it, but you won't need the "consent" discussion (which you would need if you are asking people other than yourself to go NC).

No worries, Overthinking - I only came on to this thread to explain from my experience how hard it is to deal with a toxic relative or in-law, because I thought people were being hard on the OP (who does seem to have disappeared... ).

[GivenupontheGarden]

I'm not sure this is something to go NC over? Going NC is usually a very last resort to remove one self from a very awful long term situation.

OP has said her mil is 'lovely', in which case I think she just needs to be more assertive. If she's indeed lovely in all other areas except making OP breakfast why not just deal with that specific?

[ChaiTeaTaiChi]

Obviously if you are happy for DC to have contact with their GPs without you being present then you do not need to have this discussion.

Of course you still need a discussion! Who would just "go NC" with their partners family without discussing it with their partner, and children? That would be crazy.

[OverthinkingSpartacus]

Ah, I realize I didn't express this clearly enough: I meant that if you want to go NC and you want the DC to be NC too then you need the consent of the other parent. Obviously if you are happy for DC to have contact with their GPs without you being present then you do not need to have this discussion. (I imagine it would make things awkward with the DC though - how would you explain?)

I see what you mean, I guess it would be hard to insist your children don't see a set of grandparent if one parent doesn't think their behaviour is as bad as it is.

It's really hard to explain the situation with my own father, Im still only realising how bad he was,nit sounds fucked up, but his death has made the scales fall from my eyes as he's not around to guilt me or tell me I remember things wrong if that makes sense? My own subconscious kept dd away from him, he would try to force kisses on her and manipulate and guilt her into kissing him and he didn't like it when I told him no, i so wish I was strong enough to challenge my Dad when he was alive but dh understood why I couldn't as it had been normalised for me, most contact was over phone so keeping dd away wasn't difficult, I'd say she was at a party or summat in the days I did visit or he came here, and that she was in bed when he called,.

It was never voiced between dh and I that I'd limit dds contact with my Dad, but I'd only phone when she was in bed, or plan trips when I knew dh was taking her somewhere, at the time, they'd email or write letters mostly, which I checked before giving dd. I didn't realise I was doing it, but honestly had dh didn't want dd visiting him because he didn't my dad doing same to her as he's done to me, I think I'd have agreed. Dads been dead five years now and I'm still having "how could a parent say/do a,b or c" when I remember something about childhood and dh looks horrified when I tell him what I've remembered.

With Dhs mam, there were times I didn't want dd around her as she'd be steaming pissed, so while dd wasn't ever actually made to go no contact with her Gran it was controlled when she did see her, and we both agreed mil would not ever be used for childcare under any circumstances, if I was a sober day and I was taking dd with me, I just told her daddy has work to do,, or daddy is going to do the shopping whike were out and will see his mum another time. It wasn't awkward and dd just accepted it really. She'd older and fully understand now.

dhs siblings leave their older DC with her most weekends and school holidays. It's more that worry about her and want to be there in case she hurts herself, rather than spend time with her, dd is 12 now and in theory would be fine with her, but I'm not putting her in a position where she has to be responsible for the wellbeing of an adult.

I do get why you feel you can't go NC and I apologise if I sounded like a cunt yesterday, I realised after posting I was telling you it's a simple as just not going, but then I realised I didn't do it with own father when I really really should have so I'm hardly one to talk.

[Floggingmolly]

The op does explicitly say she was sitting watching everybody eating lovely food and having coffees brought, but can't go into the kitchen herself as it offends the MIL.
So unless she was also denied a place at the table, her DH would have been able to see perfectly well that she had no food.
If he'd taken his head out of the trough, that is.
Anyone that sits there in that scenario with a wistful sad face instead of speaking up deserves all they don't get.

[ChaiTeaTaiChi]

I still can't get round the OP's husband sitting and eating a cooked breakfast while she had nothing. Bizarre behaviour

As has been said many times,there is no indication that is what happened. It doesn't sound very likely, does it? PP are trying to evoke a scenario where everyone is around one big table eating platters of foosd while OP rummages sadly through cupboards till she finds stale cornflakes, and sits in a corner eating them out the packet while they all jeer at her.....

more likely they are all eating at different times, places, stages, whatever and OP's husband assumes that if she didn't get food she would have the wit to say so.

[BertrandRussell]

I still can't get round the OP's husband sitting and eating a cooked breakfast while she had nothing. Bizarre behaviour.

[witchofzog]

This has also happenned to me. And for all of those being arsey with the op, you need to understand it's bloody difficult when you are in someone else's house to just get up and start cooking etc.

My delightful mil does this when we visit her with dp and his dc's. The dc's get served a meal (usually nuggets or such crap) and then dp is given his own meal (usually leftovers of something she made earlier for herself ) and I get offered nothing even though there is plenty for me too. The step dc's adore her as to be fair she is a great grandparent to them so I don't want to make an issue of it in front of them. But I went ape at dp after the second time it happenned. He claimed he hadnt noticed so now either gives me his, we share or he asks her if there is some for me (on how she glowers at me when this happens) I am on the verge of saying something to her now because it is getting beyond a joke . Dp says he would rather I didn't, she is a lovely lady, doesn't mean to yada yada. But she isnt lovely to me.

Op. You have my sympathy. It's doubly shit because you are pregnant too. I would refuse to ever stay there again. Let them come to you next time

[KatherinaMinola]

Your dh and DC can have a relationship with them but you don't need his consent for you not to.

Ah, I realize I didn't express this clearly enough: I meant that if you want to go NC and you want the DC to be NC too then you need the consent of the other parent. Obviously if you are happy for DC to have contact with their GPs without you being present then you do not need to have this discussion. (I imagine it would make things awkward with the DC though - how would you explain?)

[AgentOprah]

"Ooh DH, breakfast looks lovely - I'll have the same as you"

Sorted.

[OverthinkingSpartacus]

If they are lovely and include you in all other meals it's something innocent and can easily be rectified.

At my Mums, dh feels at home, when we stay mam usually does a full English, but only for the people who are there when she's making her own. So for eg, if anyone was still in bed, she wouldn't start cooking again at various times as everyone got up, she'd be in the kitchen til lunchtime if she did. Those who have a lie in get told, help yourself to anything in the kitchen and that's what we do. We always ask each other if anyone wants a b or c when getting it for ourselves, so even if dh missed breakfast, he'd be offered all sorts as others got theirs. Dh loves her breakfasts so makes sure he is at the table for 8am (she always serves at this time).

It's really hard to see how not one of the adults noticed or spoke up. After a meal when everyone's at the table together people usually comment on how nice it was, or mam will ask what we thought of the sausages she'd thought to try etc and would be horrified if she'd missed someone. Which she never has, but she often has 14 of us so I'm suprised she hasn't :)

[OverthinkingSpartacus]

And the reason you might need the consent of your DP is if there are DC involved.

I don't agree.

Him being the father of your of your child doesn't give him any right to decide you have to put up with being treat like shit by anyone, including his parents.

He doesn't have to go NC with them but he doesn't get to decide for you too.
My Dad was an utter cunt but to the outside world he was mr perfect, dh saw through the shit and couldn't be around him, he knew him confronting dad would upset me so he cut contact after trying for years. He's also gone through phases of NC with his Mum, she's an alcoholic and it's frustrating for him so him and his siblings go through phases, none of them have ever asked their spouses for permission. It was his choice to make. No way would I expect him to ask for my consent to do so, nor would he think he gets a say on if I stay in contact with my Dad or his mum just because I'm his child's Mother,

If dh genuinely thought I needed his permission to not speak to family members I'd be questioning our marriage tbh. I wouldn't put up with how your IL treat you. Your dh and DC can have a relationship with them but you don't need his consent for you not to.

[Iamastonished]

I have to cook in MIL's kitchen (on her crap electric cooker) because she has alzheimers and can't remember how to cook any more.

[LK2boyzma]

ArriettyClock and Navy....
I couldn't agree more! This story is so bizarre!

[goose1964]

I love my miL but there's no way I'd cook in her kitchen, mind you she feeds every one so much you can hardly move

[Astro55]

*17/04/2017 12:10 intergalacticbrexitdisco

Honestly, I would simply reach over and say to my husband "Is it ok if I have this first and you wait for yours? I'm starving."

I wouldn't have been so polite! I'd have just taken it 'im sure yours is on it way'

[goose1964]

Do you have breakfast when you're not pregnant? Or even mentioned you don't always eat in the morning? I wish I could find all the bad MiLs and have a word with them as they are giving the rest of us a bad name

[Nursegeorgie]

Wow, this is awful! Don't get me wrong I agree with most you need to just say erm hubby where's mine?! Or to MIL do you not want to feed this grandchild-pointing at ur bump dramatically?!?
BUT seriously people sometimes it's not that easy to just stand ur ground where in laws are concerned and especially 31 weeks pregnant I remember taking everything personally and not feeling up to standing up for myself we are all different. Having said that if you don't nip it in the bud now you will create more problems for the future. Hope you get some grub! X

[Ticketybootoo]

You are very patient - point out what is going on as seem too dumb to see you it . Do this by saying how it's made you feel as that is less of an attack on them. If they don't get it leave and go home 💐

[KatherinaMinola]

And the reason you might need the consent of your DP is if there are DC involved. Obviously if there aren't then you don't need anyone's consent.

[KatherinaMinola]

Why would anyone sane "go NC" with their inlaws a) without a very serious discussion with their partner and some agreement on how to do so or b) over fucking breakfast?

I was the one who mentioned "going NC", above. I should clarify that in my case my MIL's past actions have included making me seriously ill by knowingly feeding me something I'm allergic to. For me there's a catalogue of misdeeds going back over a decade - which is why I mentioned the NC option (which I wish I could take).

[C8H10N4O2]

c0lette

Agree with you - its easy to say 'be more assertive' but not everyone is, especially when tired, pregnant, unwell, a guest in someone else's house (where according to the other thread you should starve before mentioning food ot your host!) and navigating in-law relationships in the early years. I remember being so ill when pregnant I would have been rubbish in this situation and I'm not a retiring violet.

Yes OP needs to learn to assert, her DH knowing she was unwell and pregnant could also have opened his bloody eyes. However I can see how at that point in time she felt unable to do so for herself.

[c0lette]

Wow, you people are so mean! I totally get the awkwardness of staying in someone else's house and trying to navigate the meal/kitchen/cooking etiquette etc., especially being very pregnant and hormonal. I'm glad the OP has sorted it out by talking to her husband, but a little shocked at the lack of empathy and understanding from some of the posters on here. Not everyone goes around shouting out what they need at all times, especially people who are thoughtful about others' needs and therefore expect others to act the same. I totally agree that asking and standing up for oneself is often the best solution, but there are kind and understanding ways of encouraging the shy/timid/hormonal/exhausted among us to do this!