to think that DS, 21, shouldn't be cooking noisily so late at night?

[Seren2017]

DS, on holiday from uni, is keeping himself largely to himself. Something may be up - he may be anxious but he isn't only withdrawn, he's only very abrupt, especially with me and clearly impatient when I try to talk/ask him any questions at all. The times when he isn't like this are usually when he's wanting money. Sad but true.

But I'm here because of this - AIBU to think that he shouldn't be making himself an evening meal at 11.30 pm each and every night? Doesn't want to eat as a family, cooks himself meals through the day, ending with a very late one. We're in a small house and of course I can hear him when I'm trying to get to sleep. I'm back at work next week and there's no indication that this will stop then. He seems to be following some weight gain or similar plan (itself rather worrying) which includes evening gym, a snack when he comes back (if you call 6 eggs a snack) and then a very late big meal. I'm not only worried about his weight gain, his lack of revision for upcoming exams, his behaviour but his thinking that it's OK to make a noise in the kitchen so late and of course leave a mess for me to clear up in the morning.

I'm trying to understand but his lack of care and concern for the rest of us is making it a little difficult. As I write this, I can hear a lot of noise from the kitchen - hardly worth going to bed & yet I'm shattered.

I've posted on here quite recently about another DS and the overwhelming advice was to give myself a break. Perhaps now, money notwithstanding, I really do need to, if only for a few weeks.

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

*telling?

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

why are worried about the cost of his meals?

Does he have a job?
Pay rent, bills and his share of the council tax?

Either he pays you for food - then you can set boundaries
Or he buys his own.
He should be paying his way as an adult - and move out if he doesn't like socialising with his family

why do people need

[BillSykesDog]

I think you need to tell him to keep the noise down and clean up after himself because these are impacting on you and you have every right to complain.

But at 21 I really don't think you have any right to tell him what or when he should be eating. And you can only reasonably remind him gently about revision.

He's very much an adult now.

[Bahhhhhumbug]

Oh god yes......he moved out years ago

[Seren2017]

Bah - thank you. This sounds like a perfectly reasonable house rule which of course everyone could adhere to - special/exceptional occasions apart. I'll discuss it with DH & with DSs tomorrow. I hope that you were able to resolve the difficult situation you describe. I know what you mean by hairs on the back of the neck ... Hope things are much better now.

[Bahhhhhumbug]

My stepson used to do this he would start cooking a meal with chips etc at 10 30 at night filling the house with greasy smells and noise hours after l had cleaned up the kitchen after our evening meal and we had settled down for the evening. He never wanted to eat with us anyway as he only liked junk so would never eat same as us. In the end l made a ' kitchen closed' rule after 9pm except for sandwiches , cheese and crackers etc that didn't involve smelly noisy cooing. There were constant attempts to get round this and it caused endless rows between dh and l / ss and l especially with me being the 'wicked' stepmother etc . It is very annoying and the hairs on back of my neck would go up at sound of him opening the kitchen door. Would your son take any notice if you brought out a similar rule ?

[Seren2017]

Thanks, all.

Yes, there is a father - supportive of me, pretty fed up with DS' behaviour but perhaps not taking as firm a line as he could be.

Steroids? I have wondered about that - and, thank you, I will try to find out. He takes pre and post workout powders - not too sure about them but I need to find out more (especially as he wants me to get him some more).

I am worried about his weight gain - about the size of the meals that's he making himself - about the cost of it all, too. 6 eggs a day, two meat meals, lots of carbs etc etc - of course he needs to eat but these do seem to be excessive and possibly very unhealthy quantities.

DS seems to have little appreciation that other people live in the house - and that they go to work and so need refreshing sleep. I think something may be up but his behaviour isn't helping him - or us.

[SuperPug]

Your house, your rules. Say something if it's making you shattered. Whatever is going on, it's completely unreasonable and selfish. I'm not sure how university housemates would view this and perhaps he's isolating himself from others by doing this and potentially getting on their nerves?
Perhaps speak to him separately about any issues at university?

[shirleycartersaidso]

I think I'd be getting to the bottom of what's wrong with him - anxious, withdrawn, possibly depressed. Gym habits - could he be using steroids?

[QuiteLikely5]

At 21 he really should have grown out of this behaviour!

Can I ask, is there a step father in the home? No father or was there a father who treat you badly?

It seems to me he thinks it's ok to treat his own mother poorly