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AIBU?

Is it ever reasonable

30 replies

FingerLickinSpringChickin · 14/04/2017 18:17

To acquire a new BFF of the opposite sex (and the same sexual orientation) when already married?

OP posts:

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Emphasise · 14/04/2017 23:53

How have you become so close tgat you know "too much" about each other without DH knowing about your new best friend?

Is he married,if he was would you invite them both oh it with you and dh? Why not, as you generally come as a pair?

I've been in exactly the same situation. You can justify it all you like but if you have to keep something a secret, it's not right.

peachgreen · 14/04/2017 23:47

Sorry OP but I can't help but feel you're protesting a bit too much. You're making a very big deal out of something you seem to be insisting isn't a big deal.

Booboostwo · 14/04/2017 21:02

I can't see why anyone would have a problem with this. What would bi people do for friendships if you can't be friends with anyone belonging to the sex you are usually attracted to?

FingerLickinSpringChickin · 14/04/2017 20:50

Re sexual attraction, what I mean is I'm aware my friend doesn't look like the back end of a bus. If we were single, maybe I might look at him that way. But there are plenty of men whose good looks I can appreciate without wanting to bed them. There is zero sexual chemistry between my friend and I. He's more like a brother. Although I like him more than my brother!

DH will probably be jealous. But hopefully get over it. After 20+ years together I'm kind of beginning to think maybe that would be his problem, not mine. We were practically children when we got together and so for a long time our relationship was very insular and exclusive. I lost touch with boy friends I had grown up with so as not to make DH feel uncomfortable, and would never have gone out on my own before the issue of needing babysitters gave a handy excuse to do so.

He doesn't make a fuss if I go out with my girlfriends but I'm fairly sure he doesn't like it especially.

I don't think we've had a particularly healthy relationship in the past and now I'm in my 40s I feel like I need to assert my independence.

It's reassuring to know that others have close male friends.

OP posts:

TheStoic · 14/04/2017 20:18

Why does/would your husband moan about it? Because you're going out with a man, or because you're going out at all?

mycatloveslego · 14/04/2017 20:16

I have had a bff who is a man for over 20 years. We met st Uni and he was in the same friendship group as my now DH. My DH has no problem with this at all. I have house shared on and off with bff in our 20's and there has never been an attraction or any sexual chemistry between us. His DW was very suspicious of me initially, despite my being already with DH, but she has slowly gotten used to it.
It is entirely possible to have a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex, although the fact you say there may have been some attraction in different circumstances is a little worrying. I can honestly say that there are no circumstances under which I would ever be sexually attracted to my bff!

Ameliablue · 14/04/2017 20:05

I have a new friend who is very dear to me. There is no attraction. There might have been under different circumstances but it's gone beyond that - we know too much about each other now IYSWIM.
I'm confused as to why you are calling someone a new friend but yet it's gone beyond attraction and you know too much about each other. There is a major gap in your explanation of the situation.

Me624 · 14/04/2017 19:47

I have male colleagues who I consider to be friends and often go for lunch with them or a drink after work. Sometimes in a group but sometimes one on one. I'm married, they're married. It's fine.

KefirDoor · 14/04/2017 19:32

I think it's v specific to relationship so hard to judge. My best friend is male and I met him long after being with DH. People make jokes about it a lot. My DH couldn't care less but I know his DW is bothered by it. I understand her point of view because they have a very different type of relationship from us. If you think your DH would mind you need to consider why and if you think that is fair or not

peachgreen · 14/04/2017 19:09

Also for me if my husband was uncomfortable with it that would be reason enough not to do it - I'd put his feelings first. But my husband is a reasonable man which isn't always the case.

peachgreen · 14/04/2017 19:07

I think the fact that you mentioned there could have been an attraction suggests this is bad news, personally.

Trifleorbust · 14/04/2017 18:52

There is no attraction. There might have been under different circumstances but it's gone beyond that - we know too much about each other now IYSWIM.

No, I can't honestly say I do! If I were your DH I would see you going out for a beer with another man as a date. Sorry. I am the jealous type.

You are obviously entitled to do it.

Birdsgottaf1y · 14/04/2017 18:48

""I don't mean in each other's pockets. I just mean meeting for coffee or going for a beer and it not being a big Thing""

I've that how much time a couple has with each other matters. It's one thing to go out in a single sex couple or a mixed group, for common interests. But if a couple don't get time together then resentment can settle in if a partner is going out with the opposite gender.

SmileEachDay · 14/04/2017 18:38

I have a new friend who is very dear to me. There is no attraction. There might have been under different circumstances but it's gone beyond that - we know too much about each other now IYSWIM.

Hm. This makes it stickier. More blurry.

I think opposite sex friends are great, 3 of my closest friends are men. But there has never been any attraction and there wouldn't be under any circumstances, which is different, I think, to what you are saying?

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/04/2017 18:38

The facf that you say there might have been attraction under different circumstances makes me feel a bit iffy tbh.

My best friend is male, but we're both in relationships, and even if we were both single, I would never go there under any circumstances. I think that makes a difference.

Cheaploopaper · 14/04/2017 18:34

Do it. Enjoy.

FingerLickinSpringChickin · 14/04/2017 18:32

I'm being flippant with the BFF phrase. Like pp I'm not 12.

I don't mean in each other's pockets. I just mean meeting for coffee or going for a beer and it not being a big Thing.

OP posts:

FingerLickinSpringChickin · 14/04/2017 18:30

Hahahaha I geddit now. Whoops

No, I mean I am a hetero woman, new friend a hetero man.

I have been married a looooong time to lovely DH and our marriage is solid. As a couple we have never been particularly independent as individuals. Especially when it concerns friends. We're kind of a package. Probably because we very young when we got together.

I have a new friend who is very dear to me. There is no attraction. There might have been under different circumstances but it's gone beyond that - we know too much about each other now IYSWIM.

I am just wondering if it's reasonable to say to DH "I'm going out for drinks/whatever with new friend" and to argue the likely moaning. Equally, whether it would be reasonable of him to be unhappy with it.

OP posts:

peachgreen · 14/04/2017 18:26

Totally depends on your marriage and the boundaries you set together. For me and my husband, absolutely not. For other couples, it's completely fine. Neither way is right or wrong. It's only important what you and your spouse think.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/04/2017 18:26

BFF, like out together alone a lot, just hanging? No, I wouldn't do that, nor would DH. Mainly out of respect for the other's feelings because it would inevitably create suspicion and mistrust. Also to avoid gossip that would hurt the other, no matter how innocent the truth might be.

Pinkheart2017 · 14/04/2017 18:24

Yes why can't people of the opposite sex be friends

My male best friend I met at a dance show after I married dh, it's never bothered dh why would it? I don't jump on every man I talk to or go for a night out with becuase I love my dh and I choose to marry him nobody else

TheStoic · 14/04/2017 18:24

Love the one track mind lam hmm

No, I don't fancy two men.

Huh?

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Trifleorbust · 14/04/2017 18:23

I wouldn't be thrilled if my DH suddenly announced his 'BF' was a woman I didn't know. He's not 12 and it would ring false.

Iamastonished · 14/04/2017 18:23

Oregon has it

sirfredfredgeorge · 14/04/2017 18:22

What happened to the previous BFF? You might be being unreasonable to them.

But you can be friends with whoever you want, whenever they come along, it's never unreasonable.

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