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AIBU?

Bullied to death. How violent could you be?

74 replies

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 00:04

Anyone else watching this?
I have anger issues, if i see a threat i get very offensive i don't stop until the threat is passed. In a situation where my child is threatened, physically threatened, i don't have an off switch. The only thing that could get my attention would be a "Sophie's choice" kind of situation.
I wonder sometimes if DC would be wary of letting me know about violent bullying due to this. I don't know.
But if you saw your child being attacked by another child (i mean teens) what would you do? What should you do?
I know i would go in all guns blazing but I'm quite flabby. Apart from my overzealous confrontational alter ego and being prepared to up violence in the face of threat I'm not sure what else i have. I suspect that might not be the correct reaction, although it would matter not a jot in the moment.
What would you do if you witnessed your DC being violently attacked by another teen/s? Or found out it had happened?

OP posts:

Report

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 07:06

Umm ok @FreeNiki

I was thinking about it again this morning and wondered if some of it is to do with fight Vs flight. I'm not talking about, i don't know someone pulling your child's hair i mean the kind of scenario wanking stressed and Polly described.
User that's a perfect description of how those kind of situations should be dealt with.

OP posts:

KateDaniels2 · 14/04/2017 07:24

I get where yiu are coming from OP. It appears I dont have flight in a fight or flight situation.

My dd was horrendously bullied at school. It was so bad that the last time this boy attacked her, the police charged him (this was in year 6). The day after it happened i dropped dd and ds at school and walked through the school to speak to the HT. The boy walked past me with his dad and for a microsecond i wanted to grab hold of them both by the neck and ask them how they fucking liked it.

I didnt though. I am an experienced martial artist and extremely handy. Dd knows I will sort stuff out without violence. She knew I would put a stop to this without embarssaing her. And i did. I called the police, complained to the board of governors and council. I refused to back down on their wishy washy appraoch to what happened. They even brough a union rep with them to our meetings (who was visably appalled at how they handled it) and police backed me too.

If i saw her being attacked i woild do whatever I could to get them off her without hurting them. Mainly because I would not let them be in a position where they could have me arrested. I woildnt give them that power.

Years ago i didnt have that control. I never started fights as a teen, but I didnt back down. I had a similar situationas the one above. Found someone attacking my dbro and made sure they didnt do it again.

Learning a martial art is what gave me the control. Dd also does it now and hasn't been bullied since. It gave us both confidence and control. Just because i can fight, it doesnt mean i should fight everyone. Its made me more awate that actually it could end badly for me as well. I think about the consequences now.

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 07:35

They showed some viral videos of teens attacking 1 other and videoing it, not the video taken of the girl the programme centred on as it was never released by the courts. But the videos are horrible. It was late, i was tired and had had wine but i was shocked by my reaction to them and it got me thinking. If i saw it happening I'd have to step in, but if the target was my own child it did make me wonder how far my anger would go, as like i said my normal reaction to threat (and i mean threat not annoyance or anything else) is to become offensive, fight not flight. Which, faced with a group who get kicks out of attacking 1 person and filming it, sounds foolhardy at best.

OP posts:

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 07:43

Italian mentioned martial arts too, having read your post Kate i will definitely look into it. I'm not generally an offensive person! But if i feel threatened with physical violence i really will square up to anyone.

OP posts:

MariafromMalmo · 14/04/2017 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 07:55

Maria I'm not actually doing anything. This is specifically about violent attacks, not "tough" situations.

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MaisyPops · 14/04/2017 08:00

I've learned enough to know that kicking the crap out of another child/teen/young adult is never going to improve the situation.
This. If youre there, help get your own child out of the situation and leave. Call the police. If youre not, photograph inhuries, go to a walk in centre and call the police.

Not really sure what good it does to be going around kicking someones head in/telling kids 'if someone punches you you can punch them back'.

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 08:13

I've never never told them to punch back. But they have seen someone raise a fist to me, use their height to try to intimidate me, basically try to physically intimidate me and have seen that i stand my ground, the most "violent" I've been is to push the person away from me and out the house, forcibly shutting the door on them. (This has happened 3 times and isn't a current thing btw)
But if someone was kicking my child whilst they lay on the floor i imagine i could be quite violent in my attempts to get them away.
It isn't something I'm proud off as i don't think it would be the safest way of dealing with it. I wondered how others thought they would react. I really liked Kate's reply.

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WelliesAndPyjamas · 14/04/2017 08:19

Interesting thread. You've had mixed responses.

I think the reality is that if any of us came across ou children being kicked, punched, hit with hard objects, etc that we would most certainly do what it physically took to save their children and somehow battle off the bullies. Instincts are strong when it comes to protecting our own (or others actually - if I were to come across a stranger, child or adult, being attacked, there is no way I would do nothing).

I have been shown mobile phone footage of my son being physically bullied and the rage it gave me is still strong, 2years on. I also came across the same child following my son and throwing stones at him and had I not been driving at the time, my instinctive reaction would, I'm sure, have been to run towards that child, not to hurt him but to show anger and intent (I think that word was used upthread, is a bit different to threat, and captures well what I mean).

MaisyPops · 14/04/2017 09:16

I didnt say you did Sweets but its a line ive heard from mamy kids/parents over the last 10 years or so in schools.

Parents getting involved being physical (other than to break up an altercation) rarely works out. There are channels for dealing with things properly and its about being mindful about what message is sent to the kids. (E.g. ive heard reports back that 2 parents have ended uo screaming at each other snd threatening to knock each other out because of things the kids may/may not havr threatened on social media and whether a kid did/didnt shove someone on the wya home)
To me, its the big picture. How we model appropriate responses to children.

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 09:33

I understand what you're saying Maisy and i agree.
But I'm talking about witnessing a violent attack in progress which I'd quite a different thing. The programme was called "Bullied to death" it was actually about violent assualt resulting in death.
Wellies you have my upmost sympathy. I found the videos shown last night really upsetting, and they weren't my children involved. I was shocked by the rage i felt too.
Objectively i know the girls involved in last night's programme must have been seriously failed too, but the violence made me not care. It made me angry.

OP posts:

FreeNiki · 14/04/2017 09:39

Are your kids actually being bullied?
If they're not and this is you premeditating how violent you'd be and what you'd do in the event they were attacked, you have more severe rage issues than I thought

Reactionary rage is a knee jerk reaction. But you are calmly plotting this just in case and I find that pointless and contemptible.

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 09:46

Reactionary rage is a knee jerk reaction.
Ha a reactionary reaction you say?
No my DC aren't being bullied (irrelevant) and no I'm not plotting anything

OP posts:

NotYoda · 14/04/2017 09:46

I have intervened before in fights between teens I don't know, and it's been OK. Icy calm pretence is the way to do it.
I've also not intervened but called police from a safe distance if I've felt that they'd be a threat to me.

But If it were my child being violently attacked. And I was right there I fear I'd shout and swear. And call the police. But I think I'd definitely swear.

If I did not see an attack on them, I don't think I'd do that. I'm pretty mindful of what unintended effect my attitude might have

FreeNiki
I don't think the OP is plotting anything. She's thinking around an issue that upset her. I think that's allowed...

NotYoda · 14/04/2017 09:49

BTW

I agree with your first post italiangreyhound

FreeNiki · 14/04/2017 09:59

The fact that this thread exists asking how violent people could be towards other children and saying you dont have an off switch when your dc arent even being bullied suggests you are planning it for if they are.

Ledkr · 14/04/2017 10:02

I've just removed dd from a school after a year of terrible bullying.
I'm a fairly outspoken tough old boot and I was more than able to stand up for myself at school.
However, having a go or beating up dd's bullies would have made things so much worse for us all, me on assault charges or being beaten up myself would not help dd at this difficult time.
You'd be surprised how you react when it I meant down to it.

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 10:09

Really Niki
I think it suggests i am pondering what would happen if i witnessed my DC being violently assaulted. I know what would happen if they were being bullied, been there done that. That isn't what i'm talking about.

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Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 10:14

If I did not see an attack on them, I don't think I'd do that. I'm pretty mindful of what unintended effect my attitude might have
Yes i agree.

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RebelRogue · 14/04/2017 10:22

Niki you seem to have some personal issue with OP and try to make it sound like she's going round beating unsuspecting children,or at least planning to.

RebelRogue · 14/04/2017 10:29

Sweets I think most people would go in a rage if they saw their child being attacked. But the right thing to do,is to not give in to that rage. Get your kid out of there,attend to their needs,call the police and keep yourself and your children safe,thinking not of just that moment but the future too i.e. Being arrested,retaliation etc.

Stressedout10 · 14/04/2017 10:43

Free niki unfortunately in the world we live in we have to think about what we can /would or should do in these situations sweets is being honest and trying to work out the best way to handle the situation whilst admitting her own limitations and her gut instincts not planning to perposfully hurt children

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 10:57

Thanks stressed that's it exactly

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KateDaniels2 · 14/04/2017 11:37

make it sound like she's going round beating unsuspecting children,or at least planning to.

I dont think it does. She saw a programme and it made her wonder how she would react if she witnessed her own children in that situation. She recognises that her reaction, probably, wouldnt help and was wondering how many others think they may react like that.

Whats wrong with that? Being aware that your reactions to things isnt aleays the best is the first step to changing it.

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