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AIBU?

Bullied to death. How violent could you be?

74 replies

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 00:04

Anyone else watching this?
I have anger issues, if i see a threat i get very offensive i don't stop until the threat is passed. In a situation where my child is threatened, physically threatened, i don't have an off switch. The only thing that could get my attention would be a "Sophie's choice" kind of situation.
I wonder sometimes if DC would be wary of letting me know about violent bullying due to this. I don't know.
But if you saw your child being attacked by another child (i mean teens) what would you do? What should you do?
I know i would go in all guns blazing but I'm quite flabby. Apart from my overzealous confrontational alter ego and being prepared to up violence in the face of threat I'm not sure what else i have. I suspect that might not be the correct reaction, although it would matter not a jot in the moment.
What would you do if you witnessed your DC being violently attacked by another teen/s? Or found out it had happened?

OP posts:

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RebelRogue · 14/04/2017 00:47

Sweets it helps looking at it logically and a bit clinically even. Let's say you do that . If you are successful (and that is a big if) you save your kid from a beating but you'd end up arrested,in prison etc thus leaving the children alone,or worse kill someone else's child.
It's a good thing you are aware and acknowledge the possibility of your reaction,but don't seek comfort in it,look for prevention...like a good relationship with your kids,self defence classes for them, reacting in a firm but fair way with smaller stuff,code words,your phone number on speed dial etc.
You probably won't be able to protect them from everything but you sure as hell can try,and relying on your ability to "save" them put enormous pressure on you,and it's frankly unrealistic in many scenarios.
Ofc you would defend your child if you were present,but you have to ensure they can defend themselves for the times you are not.

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2017 00:48

Do you really think that someone who actually threatens serious harm and attacks another person, is going to be put off by their Mum going apeshit in the street?

I'm sorry to say, most of them would find that a great source of amusement.

And yes you're right, if your kids thought you might humiliate them and yourself in that way, they would probably never open up to you if they were under threat/bullied.

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 00:54

Italian neither tbh. I was bullied as a child but emotionally rather then physically. I learnt to shout them down and square up to them.
If someone tries to physically intimidate me i always, always try to 'out crazy' them. It's the one thing that has always kept me (and then DC) safe. I suspect it's incorrect but it's my safety net.
the last thing you want to do, is bring more trouble to your door and the door of your own kids. That's it. That's my fear. I have 2 hands and 4 DC, i think i need a new tactic. But i can't think of one.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2017 00:57

Your new tactic in that case should be to deal with it as most people would.

Split it up whilst calling for help (it's amazing how good strangers/neighbours can be in a crisis) and then phone the Police.

If it's school related, contact them too and make sure you follow it up.

Channel your anger into something positive, like getting the little fuckers arrested/excluded from school.

Then punch the shit out of a boxing bag.

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 00:58

I agree with both WorraLiberty's last two posts. The idea that violence can spread and involve others and the idea that one might make the children less likely to open up if you show a very hard line before even talking to them.

My kids have been fortunate not to have many/any real bullying incidents but I know they have gone on at school, some quite serious.

When talking to my kids about any incidents at school I always ask first what they want me to do and then I work out what I will do.

If their safety was compromised I would act, regardless of what they said, but I like the idea of involving the child in the discussions because bullying is so disempowering. Then it helps a child to know they have a say. It might be they don't want to tell and you say 'I must speak to school/police etc' but they can still decide some things, shall we go into school, shall we ring etc etc.

If you see them being attacked in the street then call the police, switch your phone to record the incident, try and intervene to stop it etc etc. But a lot of bullying is likely to be happening when the parent is not there to see it. So you need to rely on a good rapport with the child to get the facts.

I've not see the TV programme your referencing, OP so my answers may be useless! Perhaps my answers will be the clap trap I referred to earlier!

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 00:59

Worral last three answers!

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 01:00

I always taught them no one scares me. If someone said to them "if you tell your mum I'll kill her" i wanted them to think "err, have you met her?"
Now I'm older and fatter and just generally tired i think i am on a losing streak with this one.
I wish i was the Hulk, but i now accept I'm not. Maybe.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 01:02

Sweets are your children under thread? you mention a new tactic. I think you do need to speak to your therpist/cousnellor and to that person you can explain facts etc which you may not be able to say here.

I am hugely protective of my kids. I think my tactic is just to engage early, zero tolerance, if I suspect anything is about to happen i can of want to premept it. I've no idea if my way is right or not. I think we all work out our own ways of dealing with things. But I think if you are prone to any anger or whatever than working out how to manage that must be part of the picture if you are that is.

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 01:03

sweets I am old and fat, martial arts is fabulous, it teaches you to be confident but the first thing we are told in self defense is to run away if you can!

RebelRogue · 14/04/2017 01:03

I always taught them no one scares me. If someone said to them "if you tell your mum I'll kill her" i wanted them to think "err, have you met her?"

What you want them to think and how they'd actually think (especially at different ages and development stages) are two completely different things. Tbh in some answers you display the bravado and I'm superhuman teenage mentality that is often very dangerous in tricky situations.

Stressedout10 · 14/04/2017 01:04

I live about 200 yards from dd high school about this time last year I hurd a comotion outside kids screaming I go outside and find about 30 kids attacking my dd and 2 of her friends. I went verbally mental shoved my way to dd and friends grabbed them got them in garden and then house letting our very large husky into garden (is a gentle giant but gets very bouncy and vocal when new kid's come in the garden thinking they should play with her )this scared them off till the police got there some times you have to intervene and when you do its never right just nessacery

FreeNiki · 14/04/2017 01:07

Enjoy your rage issues op and your extreme offensiveness and your lack of an off switch.

If you saw your DC being attacked and indulged your rage violently (that is what you're hinting at being violent towards the attackers); then depending on the age of the teens, you'd either be arrested for common assault or gbh (as you dont have an off switch & are likely to go too far) or if they're older you will get the worst of it from them and be attacked back.

Proud of your violent ways? With an attitude like that your Dcs are likely to be the bullies

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 01:10

stressed that is so awful, well done for your quick thinking and your actions. I really hope the attackers got punished.

I hope your dd and her friends were OK.

Stressedout10 · 14/04/2017 01:19

Thanks for that Italian no permanent harm thankfully! 😰 got all of the little SO B'S excluded and the ring leaders went b4 children's panel not nearly enough in my opinion but I'm biased. I was terrified and just reacted

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 01:22

Stressed that is actually (I think) a good result as some schools seem to minimise this sort of thing. I am in favour of really tough action for bullying but it needs to come from the 'authority' school or police etc and not the parent. What a nation of little shits we are sadly raising. I do wonder why it is so. But well done for being there at the right time for your child. You could easily have felt the noise was normal rowdyness and not looked. We need more mums like you.

Lisa282820 · 14/04/2017 01:23

You should never be violent, especially not to other children in retaliation for hurting your own. This would not teach kindness or humility or even provide justice.
In a world where we take an eye for an eye we all end up blind!

WankingMonkey · 14/04/2017 01:27

Honestly..when I was about 16 my 13 year old sister was jumped on by a few kids who were 14/15. I witnessed the start of this. Took me a few seconds to sprint to them. I could have just stopped it and got my sister out of there. I chose to give them a taste of their own medicine too. I left all 3 lying bloodied and wailing, the same way they intended to do to my kid sister. My sister thanked me for it for years. No police were involved but if they were, I would have deserved it and understood and still would do it all the same again if I got the chance.

If it was my child being attacked I would likely do the same.Or worse.

I get where you are coming from, I think.

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 01:29

WankingMonkey I would want you for a big sister!

PollytheDolly · 14/04/2017 01:48

*Wanking
*
I did similar to you to some big bully bastard who picked on my little brother. I was 15 my brother was 11. This bully was far bigger than me, but my god my rage was bigger than him. I pinned up up against a fence and shook him. I didn't hurt him or hit him but the look on my face, the energy and the vitriol that came out of my mouth....and I meant it.

He never went near my little brother again. Shit head bastard.

PollytheDolly · 14/04/2017 01:53

And he gave my brothers lunch money back he bullied out of him as well. About 25p I think. His hands were shaking as he handed it over. It was decades ago.

I'm still like it and I've never been in a brawl in my life. Intention and they know it, is the key.

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 01:59

Well done Polly. The right thing to do.

But loads of kids do not have older siblings, I don't, my dd doesn't. So really schools should be safe places for all, not places where you need to bring your own muscle in to survive.

It makes my blood boil any school have such a hissy fit if you take a child out for a week (not that I do) but if they drop the ball on safety for kids it can be devastating, a lot worse than missing a week off school!

user1491572121 · 14/04/2017 02:23

I did see a teen getting bullied once, on a bus. Nobody said a thing...it was in South London so in a way I don't blame people for not getting involved. These were well built and tall lads of about 15-16 and one of them was getting stuff thrown at him and name calling.

He was alone and the others were behind him. I was only about 23 myself and I was scared to say anything...then an old man stood up and bollocked the shit out of them all.

He did this speech about how they were shameful...it's pertinent that the boys were all black and this old man was too...he said something like "You're weak...racist people will look at you and think Oh yes...that's what black boys are like...they're violent and rough" and they all looked really ashamed and stopped their behaviour.

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 02:35

I saw a girl being bullied on a train once. To my shame I did nothing, I was about 23 as well. It was a very long time ago but has stayed with me. I am not a nosy neighbour type but I think we need more of a 'it takes a village to raise a child' mentality.

whattodowiththepoo · 14/04/2017 03:11

Keep control and de escalate the situation.

Lucy7400 · 14/04/2017 06:51

I got involved when a child was being bullied in a park once. They were all teens and bigger than me. It wasn't physical, more intimidating stuff. I used the fact I was an adult and got in the middle of them. They instantly froze and handed his phone back to him. I'll admit I was scared and had they refused I didn't have a clue what I would do. So, yes I would get involved if my child was being attacked simply because I was happy to do it for a child I didn't know. I am not the type to walk away if I see stuff like this. However, if it were my child my aim would be to remove them and make sure I got the police involved. I don't think I would lose it and get physical as that would escalate it. I have never 'lost it' in that way before anyway.

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