To wish she would just say what she wants (another MIL special)

[DuvetSofaTelly]

To an extent i know I'm being unreasonable.
I asked family (PIL, DH, DS) what they would like for breakfast. Standard full English items, but didn't want to cook too much or too little. MIL tells me that she can 'only manage eggs and toast '.
Now I've heard this before, and know its a lie. If i dish just that up for her, she'll complain we're having sausage and bacon and beans too, if i put it in a serving dish she'll take food she's not 'ordered' and it will inevitably be me going short.
I know the ridiculous expectations of women and food are still going strong, and they were particularly bad in the 50s and 60s when MIL was young, but AIBU to think that among family you could just bloody tell me what you would like. I couldn't care less if you have double what the rest of us have!

[brassbrass]

I had a thread on here many years ago about my SIL nicking food off my plate never anyone else's. She'd decline dessert in a restaurant and then help herself to mine without asking. I'd try to avoid sitting next to her thinking that would solve it but if I went to the loo I'd come back to find she'd swapped seats and was sitting next to me again! Arrgghhh. Feel your pain.

Weight and food issues run amok with the females in that family.

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

we might find it in ourself a to recognise that women were conditioned in this way for ages

OP has found it in herself to reference this several times while explaining it is still annoying, RTFT.

[missm0use]

MIL does this!! Bloody micro portions of food that wouldn't feed a toddler. Banging on every time that she can't eat much, makes a huge thing when we go out to dinner of shaming us and then only ordering the tiniest amount of food. Although after a few glasses of vino she's in the fridge ripping open packets or ham and cheese! I've only ever seen the aftermath of the almost empty packets the next morning - I'd love to catch her in the act!!!

We lived with her at the end of my pregnancy as she was 10 mins from the hospital and we were almost 2 hours away. And she would do all the cooking as I was her guest, ect ect and would always give give me these micro portions of food! Never been hungrier in my life. I last three days before I bought a huge bag of crisps / chocolate and would at random produce them and start tucking in! I swear it drove her nuts trying to work where I kept my stash!

[TheDowagerCuntess]

I would go the full-blown passive-aggressive route, and serve up her plate laden with everything, and say 'here's your EGG & TOAST, MIL'.

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

tell her to cook her own breakfast if she wants to play fussy buggers or her son can pander to her

i find this trait in 1000x more irritating in adults than in children and i've no patience for it.
she should be ashamed of her behavior.

[problembottom]

My DM is also like this, seems very much a generational thing. Makes a massive performance about eating a normal size meal (and comments on how much I can put away!) but hides packs of biscuits down the size of her armchair.

And she drives me insane when we got out for coffee, she insists on sharing a sandwich, couldn't possibly manage a whole two pieces of bread don't be ridiculous. She gets REALLY irate if I tell her I want my own sarnie, to order what she fancies and just leave what she can't finish.

Sadly really.

[Redlocks28]

Yep--my relative does this. Says things like, 'everyone knows I don't eat much, do I?' trying to get validation from people around her.

She's very overweight so clearly is eating something.

[hula008]

I had this wth my DM the other day when I was at hers and DP and I had offered to cook a fry up in the morning for everyone. We said "Oh were heading off to Tesco to get some stuff for breakfast" and she got all funny like:
"Well your father's not having any as he's hungover, I'm not hungry and your uncle is going home soon"
"Right DM, well we thought you said yesterday..."
"No, no one else will eat it"
"Oh okay, well we might head home then as we've got breakfast food there"
"Oh I'll call your father down if you're going to be like that! I'm sure he will eat something. And I know that once I smell the food I will eat it"

She ate a full fry up.

[Smallangryplanet]

What not why.

[Smallangryplanet]

I'd ask her again why she wanted and then make that.

I serve food family style but find some people stuff themselves silly rather than sharing and it drives me made. My bro and FIL are the absolute worst for this; food in the middle of the table is seen as a challenge regardless of how generous I am and it really gets on my tits. Mil and Ddad get "overfaced" with food and hate food in the middle because it puts them off. My own little family know to take some and wait until everyone has had some before asking for seconds. Anyone else at the table makes eating a minefield.

[Laiste]

My mother says she doesn't eat much chocolate because she can't stomach it. Or sweet stuff in general. Just a small taste will do. Plus there's her diabetes to think about.

I gave her a box of 12 hand made chocs last year as part of her b.day present and she informed me about 2 weeks later that she'd ''just eaten the last one as after all she would only manage one per evening. And how funny - they wouldn't have lasted 2 minutes in your fridge Laise''. Yes mum. Very virtuous.

However, a glance in her fridge will reveal that her weekly ''frugal'' shop includes: a large bar of choc. A family size bag of maltesers. At least one whole chocolate cake. A box of cream cakes and a can of squirty cream for the top of her morning cereal. She lives alone and polishes this lot off weekly. Frugal my arse.

[BertrandRussell]

You do know that she doesn't do this because she's a mil, don't you? She does it because like many women she has a fucked up attitude to food.

You don't have a mil problem, you have a patriarchy problem

[ThePigletatwork]

"God my ILs are like this. What really makes me laugh is mil will pretend she is such a goody two shoes because she doesn't order chips in a restaurant, but will keep eating mine off my plate. I have a fantasy about stabbing her hand with a fork when she does it"

A lot of women do this. I think that it's a throwback to the days when women were expected to eat like little birds to maintain their 28" waists

[IDontLookMyAge76]

My OHs mum does this, says she doesn't want as big a portion cause she's 'a woman and shouldn't eat too much' so I give her less. She asks what's for pudding. 'Nothing, we don't have pudding every day and I'd rather get all my calories from actual food than pudding'. She's started to bring things for pudding now but will still go through the whole 'oh I'm soooo naughty, I really shouldn't. ...blah blah blah'.

So tedious

[TheViceOfReason]

"MIL are you sure you only want eggs on toast for breakfast? I can easily cook some extra bacon or a sausage, but i need to know now as i am only cooking what everyone asks for so there won't be any spare".

If she then complains you can say "well i did ask if you were sure as i was only cooking what people asked for".

I bet you only have to do that twice before she twigs it isn't going to work.

[FinallyHere]

While I find people who pretend to bird appetites in public very tedious, we might find it in ourself a to recognise that women were conditioned in this way for ages , perhaps some still are. Remember the scene in Gone with the Wind, where the young heroine is (albeit unsuccessfully) forced by her nanny to eat a large breakfast so that she will not be hungry in public (at a private BBQ hosted by family friends).

[LadyLoveYourWhat]

When we have guests (or even sometimes when we're not) my DC love playing cafés (even at 12 now) and go round and take orders (and how would you like your eggs?), they have a list of what's on offer. Then I plate up and serve. I'll usually cook the odd bit of bacon or sausage extra (if it doesn't get eaten it'll be good for sandwiches) but eggs are cooked to order.

[Cherrysoup]

Nice me would cook the same for everyone. Bitch me would hand over eggs on toast as requested then sit there with an empty plate and sad eyes when she asked for more and I'd make damn sure I moaned about her only wanting eggs on toast. She needs to be more honest.

[Lunde]

Oh this thread reminds me so much of my mother's behaviour - the whole needing to be acknowledged as the most virtuous and self-controlled person at the table. The implicit fat shaming and criticism of anyone who ate more. The secret eating of all manner of junk foods - especially sweets and biscuits - in her bedroom. It seemed to be driven by disordered eating and presenting a false image of self-denial and not admitting to eating.

Once when we were staying with a group in a B&B I walked past the dining room and she was in there ahead of the time we'd agreed to eat stuffing her face with toast and marmelade. I didn't reveal that I'd seen her - but when the whole group assembled she claimed that she couldn't possibly eat a big breakfast and that we were all going to gain weight eating "fattening" toast!

The worst would be when we ordered chinese take-away. She would always claim that she couldn't possible eat a large meal and that we should not order a meal for her - she would just have a cuppa soup or perhaps "pick at" 1 or 2 of the starters. Of course this was complete bullsh*t and she would eat at large portion and demand to know why we hadn't ordered enough crispy duck! After the one time we didn't have enough food we just nodded and smiled and ordered a full portion for her.

If she is prone to stealing the food that she hasn't ordered anyway, leaving you without then I think that in the end you have a couple of choices:

1. plate everyones meal in the kitchen and hand them out individually so that she gets exactly what she has ordered.
   
2. Don't bother cooking to order and give everyone the same cooked breakfast and assume she is going to want it despite her claim to just want an egg.

[peukpokicuzo]

It is absolutely ridiculous to ration a fried breakfast at all, or request detailed pre-orders unless only cooking for one or two people. Everyone wants more than they think once they get started.

Cook all the sausages, all the bacon, all the mushrooms etc etc. Take a show of hands on eggs merely to get a hint as to ratio of fried to scrambled preferences and cook all the eggs one way or the other. Put all the food on the table and let everyone help themselves. It isn't reasonable to expect your MIL or anyone else to accurately predict their actions when faced with a mound of bacon.

Any leftovers will be great in sandwiches next day so there is never any waste.

[PottyForSure]

Secret eaters is a relatively new concept to me. A friend of mine eats before going to eat with other people so that it looks like she doesn't eat much. She'll pick at the food and say she is stuffed after a small portion. I don't invite them for dinner anymore as she can eat two dinners but the rest of her family can't and they struggle to eat what you have cooked for them, it's really not worth the effort spending hours in the kitchen only to watch them trying to force a few mouthfuls dowe.

[MaidOfStars]

Oh Christ, eggs are the only thing I cook to order for a big fry up. Everything else is cooked on spec.

Per person - 2 bacon rashers, a sausage plus odds, 2 hash browns. Anything left over can be wrapped and picked at later.

Then a mound of mushrooms and tomatoes, and toast to share. Left overs dumped.

Cheese etc doesn't need any prep.

[WinkyisbackontheButterBeer]

Ooh I remember that rage. Mil was exactly the same. When she stayed with us I'd cook.
"Ooh no! That's far too much for me! I couldn't possibly manage such a big meal. I don't know how you eat like that. But I suppose we do have very different body shapes, DONT WE?
Then I would go to bed and she would demolish almost every piece of food in the house, including my lunch for work the next day on more than one occasion.

[Bestthingever]

God my ILs are like this. What really makes me laugh is mil will pretend she is such a goody two shoes because she doesn't order chips in a restaurant, but will keep eating mine off my plate. I have a fantasy about stabbing her hand with a fork when she does it .

[RedDogsBeg]

It's a really irritating trait especially when followed with 'Oliver Twist' like sad eyes when they see what everyone else is having the only intention being to make others feel embarrassed, guilty or greedy which is why I have no qualms calling them out on it.