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AIBU?

To stop these boys coming round

67 replies

RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 09:19

Morning

I have two DSs at home with me as the other DC are grown up and moved. One son is a school refuser which brings it own issues but when he does go to school he hangs round with a boy whose brother is in my other DSs class at a different school .

ANYWAY to get to the point of the matter . They are ALWAYS here but what I wish to talk of is Wednesday ,

They had been here a lot of the day due to holidays and around 3.00 I told them all to go to the park or library for some air , which they did. Not without asking "Can B stay tonight" . Said no not tonight and they all went out . During the rest of the afternoon/early evening they were back and forth , but without B.
Cue 8.30 Wednesday night there is a knock and its their mate B. Can he stay tonight as he don't have his zip card and don't want to walk home and nan isn't in apparently and uncle not answering phone . I let him in and said to him to ring his mother , which he did . Words were said about his uncles contacting him to collect him but nobody text or rang B . He rang her up at 10.00 again (his DM) who did not answer the phone at all .
I gave him a spare oyster and some money to top it up and sent him on his way .
Thing is I have mental health issues and anxiety is one of them . I don't want him or his brother here on sleepovers . Got it from my sons last night too "But WHY?" I don't need a why in my home .
Would you ring the mum and tell her to tell her sons (Ill deal with mine) to stop getting at mine , who then get at me for sleepovers ?!!

TIA

OP posts:

Report

RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 15:14

Not sure why youngest is bold either.

I did ask about the house (nosy) and he said it was alright, shrugged and that's all I got out of him . He is 13 , its like drawing teeth

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RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 15:12

My DS youngest has only been there twice .

First time he stayed half hour and came home (no Internet he told me and its noisy with all the younger ones (I believe her 2 youngest are 1 and 2)
Second time was to get a pair of headphones one had borrowed without permission and he was literally in and out for them. Oh then though, according to B, they were snatched off his head as my own DS was in a shop .. Hmm. They turned up in the end anyway but that is another thing . Sorry didn't want to dripfeed and looks like I am .

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 08/04/2017 13:05

i wouldnt try asking too many questions i really dont think he'll tell u much if hes already mentioned ss

try an find out from your own sons maybe? say what is their house like parents etc?

RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 12:21

DanGleballs

My DS done very similar hence she is telling me that they may have a not nice homelife.

In DSs case , DN had a friend who would come round after school for a while etc .. the usual . They were Year 6 back then . Over time the girl stayed for sleepovers and DS put up a camping bed type thing in the lounge for her on said nights .
Turns out the young girl was being abused at home and staying with DSis put a stop to that (Police were called when she disclosed etc). That young girl is still in touch with DS and DN to this day ,, about 22 now with two babies of her own.

OP posts:

DanGleballs · 08/04/2017 12:17

My DD and I went through a terrible patch where we clashed on everything. She stayed with a friend for a few months. Fast forward a couple of years and we are amazingly close and we had one of her friends who was in need living with us for a few months.

I will be eternally grateful to the mum who took dd in, dd remembers her birthday every year. I now also have a daughter from another mother who I love to bits.

If you could help it would be a lovely thing to do.

RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 12:02

Yes and again my anxiety dreams up the worse case scenario .

I do not know these people at all , or what kind of people they are (though the boys are always clean and in perfectly fitting clothing and polite enough etc)and last thing I need is for them to turn up at my door .. After other events happened to me , where I swore I'd not be a victim again, I'd take flight or fight ... probably the latter . (Worse case scenario)

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RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 11:59

Hi Goldfishjane

Yes my DC are well aware of my issues but one has PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance and loves to be in control , another thread) and the younger one is a typical 13 year old .. as long as he is ok that's all that matters .

They are here now, as I type, but all upstairs with instructions that when I leave at 1.00 to visit my best friend , they leave also and go to the park , its such a lovely day too . Later I will take B aside and have a chat .

You are right re their issues stressing me too .. I am an Empath I have been told (new age malarkey loll) and do tend to take it on myself which the doctor hates hates ... but it is how I am .. depression or none

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Goldfishjane · 08/04/2017 11:50

hi OP
I have anxiety as well - the doctor would describe it as being very controlled in fact - and I still hate people staying over!

also if there's issues in that family it will stress you out even more.

I'm a bit unclear - do your DC know about your health issues? Because if they do you can explain why you're unsettled but also tbf who wants to get involved in a situation like "please don't call SS".

i would def call the mother btw.

RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 11:39

How can I ask MNHQ to change heading ? I don't have issue with them coming in its just the Sleepovers.
They are here now, as I type, and said they can all have till 1.00 but I am going to see my DF then and they will all have to go park or library when I leave.

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RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 11:29

That's it mrsBeverleygoldberg .. Its noise of it all ,, it really seems to get to me noise .

Yes Tasmanian, she suggested it (it was her wording "I suggest you do not let FJ in". Thing is though FJ is extremely quiet , polite and the quietest of the lot of them.

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tasmaniandevilchaser · 08/04/2017 11:19

The attendance officer said don't let him in?! I'd really want to know why!!

Incidentally I would not cope with sleepovers when they are crashing around until 2am. I feel very sorry for you now!! YANBU at all to put your foot down about that. If they want to sleep over then quiet from a time of your choosing.

RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 11:16

Thank You BigGrannyPants

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mrsBeverleygoldberg · 08/04/2017 11:16

I don't like the way that they tried to force the sleepover after you said no. I have anxiety and depression so I understand why you wanted the house to be quiet. I can't relax when dcs friends are round incase one gets broken.

RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 11:15

Thank You YellowDinosaur .. Your words mean a lot , (got a tear in the eye but a happy tear) .

Yes, to save the others something has to be said to SS I see that now.

As an aside, another one, there was a huge case round where we once lived re a paedophile who ended up with 28 YEARS such was his crimes from the 70s to 00s. My boys were questioned twice and to this day I hope they are telling the police the truth .
Anyway my point is , the boy who was his own Grandson, came home one day to find my DCs and their friends in the flat playing darts . .They were sent home (the grandson was mid 20s at that point), then another friends sister knocked and asked to come in .. Yep, he opened up about years of vile abuse and they all went to the police that night .. I suppose what I am saying is , that to save the others (my DCs and others) he (and another from the block) disclosed the long held secret . I am eternally grateful for this, I admire them so much

If I can save their mum and them and siblings from whatever is going wrong in their life ,, I think that is a good thing. THEY may not see it that way though

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BigGrannyPants · 08/04/2017 11:12

You are a good person OP, wanting to help others despite your own struggles. It's not always easy to know what the 'right thing' to do is. I hope they get the help they need.

TheElephantofSurprise · 08/04/2017 11:09

The bottom line is that they are not your responsibility. You have to look after your own health and your own boys first. Those things are your responsibility, the other boys are not.

YellowDinosaur · 08/04/2017 11:06

I want to add that you're clearly a great mum because when you were at rock bottom you made sure that your kids were safe and cared for when this was beyond you. This isn't something to feel guilty about but to be applauded.

Their mum might be in the same situation you were in but with less insight and less support. Your call for help for them might give her and them the chances you had, and ultimately allow her to turn this around. Or, there may be more to it in which case the kids need to be with someone who will prioritise their safety.

Good luck

RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 11:02

Indeed BigGrannyPants

I do want to help . I want to help their DM as well (I've been there. .think I said on another thread a brief bit of those times) . The only time I spoke to her was Monday when I let them stay . She was saying thank you and that if they are mouthy then tell them off ... and that its so hard having boys isn't it ? Now that was probably just a general conversation but now I'm wondering about her mental health .
I do know she is young , compared to me . I am 51 and she is a mere 35

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YellowDinosaur · 08/04/2017 11:00

Cross posted. You are doing the right thing x

YellowDinosaur · 08/04/2017 10:59

I think talking to school would be a good idea. But I think talking to social services would be better

RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 10:57

But they are being neglected and it could be worse for the younger ones who don't have any alternative.

This has sealed it for me ... You are correct and I will contact them Monday morning.

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BigGrannyPants · 08/04/2017 10:56

If this was my sons friend I would be inclined to help, but obviously you know your MH issues better so you're the only one who knows what you can cope with. His friend sounds at risk

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RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 10:55

Point taken but last night was the asking by my sons (was Wednesday the night of the phone calls (or call) to his DM) and it was around 6.00.

Yes I should have taken him all the way home Wednesday but I had no money at all apart from the money on the Oyster I loaned him I done what I thought was best at that time. However if I had had money I'd have got us a cab, seen him in and got the cab straight home again (I'm talking perhaps 10 minutes or so each way via cab)

What do you think of asking school at the meeting (I would be able too ask WHY they are saying his friend could be expelled and when an attendance officer came round knocking once, I mentioned youngest DSs friend and they said don't let him in!! .. They could not tell me why.

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YellowDinosaur · 08/04/2017 10:54

Their. Not they're autocorrect

YellowDinosaur · 08/04/2017 10:54

And...

I should not be in this position

I agree. But you are. Please don't let these boys and they're siblings down. Inform social services whose job it is so they can do that. It may be that their mum needs temporary support, like you did. Or there may be a lot more to this. But they are being neglected and it could be worse for the younger ones who don't have any alternative.

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