Babysitting arrangement AIBU

[fortheroses76]

This just niggles and I would NEVER dream of saying anything just wondered what other thought.
Recently, I had to change my hours. To cut a long story short, my MIL agreed to come over and take children to school and be there for pick up. She isn't local and we have been extremely grateful for this as without her I am not sure i could have changed my hours.
However, ever since she started she has chosen to go away on holiday during term time. My DH says we should just be thankful that she does this for us. I agree but it is irritating as it means other arrangements have to be made. Its not just for a few days but it can be for two weeks/ten days etc. She also seems to do this just before/after a school holiday. I appreciate how much she does for us and that non term holidays are cheaper but just wanted others views on this. Its always bugged me a bit.

[Rustler74]

Like @Hissy said in her second reply, I'd opt for a childminder after having discussed it with her that this is what I'd like. She is indeed being very good to you as you have posted. I'm not so lucky as to have either my parents or in laws close by but even then I'd prefer them to be grandparents rather than childminders (both sets are too old to look after my soon to be very little baby anyway) and they can be helping out occasionally.

And please everyone, OP doesn't deserve to be given such a hard time really!

[Casschops]

YABU, she shouldn't have to give any notice at all, she is a free agent with no responsibility or the children, what she does is kind. Exactly why I'm opting for full time nursery with after school provision as I think my mum has done her bit with raising children, I want the time she spends with her grandson to be because she wants to. Maybe you need to look at all your other options

[badhotfanny]

Similar here: in laws had dcs one or two days a week, we didn't pay them. Both dh and I have inflexible jobs, teaching etc.

I used to hate it when they said they were away, as they didn't always give us much notice. But would I complain to them? Absolutely not - their right to a holiday, and as a teacher I would never expect anyone to wait until expensive holiday time just to suit us.

[Moussemoose]

My mum picked up my kids. I was grateful when she did it and realised when she went on holiday how much we relied on her.

[ThePiglet59]

"You. Absolutely. Don't. Know. You're. Born."

This

[Trifleorbust]

YABVU. She is doing you a favour!

[WashBasketsAreUs]

My daughter is now a supply teacher so never knows from one week to the next when she's working. I look after her LO, and have done since he was a tiny baby. When she was at uni I looked after him the 2 days a week she was at uni but now it could be any number of days. He does go to nursery 2 days a week but depending on her husband's shifts sometimes he does it, sometimes I do. I also work 2 afternoons a week locally.
If for any reason I can't look after him, I tell my daughter in plenty of time. For example I'm away in June, have something I'm doing one Friday in May so I can't have him then. She has the choice then to either get someone else ( her dad always has loads of holiday spare to book) or she doesn't work or her hubby has time off.
Even in the school holidays when she's not working I have him for one or two days cos I love him!

[PinkFlamingo545]

YABU, I guess you know this

Don't continue slating your MIL to her son /your partner. Seriously uncool as mother appears to be making far more effort than your family

[Grenoble124]

YABU. As long as you get notice then enjoy your free childcare.

[Hissy]

Tbh tho, I had a crappy childminder who thought nothing of springing an early finish on me, or just cancelled a day due to taking her own kids somewhere.

It was only 1 day a week I used her for and even so it was massively inconvenient when she just dumped this stuff on me. That said she turned out to be really quite awful as it goes.

if I were ever lucky enough to be a grandmother, and I heard my dil refer to me as "being very good to us" and "i appreciate her coming over" in this us vs staff way I would be in bits.

I have friends who both fly, they pay (her) parents a fixed sum a month and it helps them rely on one set of their parents to do the wrap around care they need. It helps everyone feel better about the arrangement.

Your mil isn't taking the money because she doesn't want the commitment to have to cancel any plans she wants to make. Your demeanour may also be at the heart of her involvement balance.

The only yanbu in this is if she gives you no notice at all of her plans, because clearly there is an understanding and you do need notice to arrange back up sometimes.

You are in between a rock and a hard place here, she wants to help, but on her terms. That's kind of fair enough

I'd suggest you have an honest conversation with her and say that you done want to take advantage of her, and it's great if she does want to come down and help out here and there, that she's not obliged to, but she's welcome to come anytime she likes.

If I were you I'd get a childminder to do the care you need, and if mil wants to come down she can.

Yes you'll have paid childminder fees, but it changes the dynamic entirely.

[ProseccoBitch]

YAB unbelievably U

[PotteringAlong]

My in laws did this. Begged to have DS2 one day a week, we said no, we need cast iron Childcare, got every reassurance under the sun. We pulled him out of nursery 1 day a week, nursery filled his place. They had him for 1 week and announced that the next week they were off to Spain for 2 weeks and couldn't have him. I was furious.

[celeryisnotasuperfood]

Love how you've taken it on board - but are you prepared for the amount of posts that will now turn up from people that haven't read the full thread and will lay into you...

[2014newme]

She can go on holiday when she likes! She's not your employee!

[scallopsrgreat]

fortheroses76 is it you who is expected to sort out childcare/take time off to accommodate?

[Headofthehive55]

I get you.
I know someone who encouraged her daughter to work, saying she'd look after the children, but the next minute she was off on holiday, leaving childcare issues. Childcare does need to be consistant otherwise it's not an offer that works. You can't really offer to have children when you feel like it - it just doesn't work like that and you can't always get cover for the other days.

[NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom]

I'm in the same position as you, right down to the 2 days. Whilst it's a pia she is providing free childcare, my mil has recently started a role which means she's now also tied to the school holidays but when she wasn't DH & I took leave or the DC went to brekkie & after school club.

[NoLotteryWinYet]

There's no childcare option without a downside, you pick your downsides based on your available options.

[NoLotteryWinYet]

also, think of the value to your DC of seeing their GM that much, rather than being stuck in boring ASCs. Caring family member rather than paid employee?

[Ewock]

It is good that you have been open to the advice given. We are in a similar position my parents do 3 days childcare for us a week (we are extremely lucky). However when we discussed the practicalities I made it clear that they should take holidays when they wanted and not in achool holidays. I think it is unfair to expect them to pay extra and go at busier times.

[WankersHacksandThieves]

I think the question to you is, given that you presumably had no choice about the hours change, what would you have done if MIL hadn't said she could help you? And, if she said she could help you most weeks but she would be on holiday sometimes during term time and unable to help, would you have still accepted the help?

[greeeen]

YABU

[neveradullmoment99]

I have a similar situation. I agree its frustratiing sometimes but she really is doing you a favour.
Just smile and be happy.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Glad you've taken the advice on board.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

My parents do 2 days a week. They probably take 2-3 holidays a year and we have to make alternative arrangements. It's a pain, but that's the nature of family arrangements. Suck it up or 'sack her' and pay the going rate to someone who doesn't love your child nearly so much.