Sorry folks. Another MIL one.

[imisschocolate]

MIL has accused us of being selfish when it comes to spending time with DD. (7 weeks old)

This stems from the fact that we do not want to spend one day every weekend with her as DH wants to have time just the 3 of us as he works full time so weekends are important to him. Also if she comes round in the evening during the week I refuse to keep her awake if she is ready to go to sleep. She normally will have a visit of at least and hour before DD goes to sleep.

The longest she has gone without seeing DD is 9 days. At 7 weeks old i don't think this is unreasonable. Especially given the fact that my DM will see DD a lot less as we do not live in same town.

An issue also seems to be that we won't let her take DD on a walk on her own. We're not comfortable with this yet. (Is very much a yet as we have no intention of not letting her see DD alone when we and more importantly DD are ready)

AWBU to not want to spend one day every weekend with MIL? How often do other GPs spend with 2 month old grandkids?

[BeyondThePage]

we still spend one day each weekend with MIL - she does roast dinner - with Yorkshire pudding and apple pie for afters and tea with homemade scones or lemon drizzle cake in the afternoon.

Been married 20 years, so that is roughly 1000 days (1000 roast dinners... mmmm) - don't see the problem. She stays with us for a week at Christmas too - in our house, despite only living 30min away.

MN sacrilege.

You do what works for your family.

[Onestepawayfromtheshoeshine]

Yanbu! Congratulations on your baby . We have a 1 month old, plus another 2 children. Mil & fil visit us every 2-3 weeks, we visit them about once a month. It works well on both sides , df is yet to visit new baby, but that's a whole other story! Do what works best for your new little family, don't commit to a regular day/timetable but also be open to changing this as your dd gets older.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Your MIL, whilst wonderfully excited is also rather entitled, I feel.
Definitely, do not pander to her, you'll be making a rod for your own back, if you do.

[AcrossthePond55]

My mum and MiL dropped by just about every day when my sons were tiny babies. Sometimes they stayed a minute, sometimes they stayed the afternoon. Didn't bother me a bit. I also never felt they were 'tearing them out of my arms' when they held them or walked them around outside in the yard. It was lovely to watch them love my children so deeply, it made me think about the love and wonder they must have shown me and DH when we were tiny and they were young mums. And it was a nice break from the 24/7 of new motherhood. I could take a shower, a nap, enjoy eating a meal using two hands, or just sit and visit.

I will say that they were NOT 'guests', they were grandmothers. They didn't expect 'entertaining' or 'being hosted'. They usually showed up with something to eat or reheat for later, they pitched in with housework, quietly and discreetly, just 'doing' without comments. They praised my 'skill' at mothering whilst offering suggestions in a way that didn't make me feel useless. In short, they were wonderful!

In return I was generous with the babies and appreciative of their efforts. The three of us were a 'partnership of mothers', we weren't rivals or adversaries.

[damewithaname]

If it makes you uncomfortable to have her do certain things that you and hubby have discussed...then just let it be known. It is your home, you guys are trying to adjust to having a baby, who is still quite young. Just set the boundaries.

[carefreeeee]

If it's too much, better to say rather than be resentful. On the other hand, you will probably be grateful when the child is a bit older and you want to do some of your own stuff.

Perhaps you can compromise a bit by letting MIL look after the baby whilst you have a bath or cook dinner? Then it can graduate to a bit of babysitting whilst you go out for dinner etc in a few months. That way you don't have to spend all the time chatting to her.

7 weeks is very young of course, but parents who are happy to let grandparents look after their children (when a bit older) and don't obsess with having to be there constantly do seem to have an easier time of it.

[CardinalCat]

AcrossthePond, your experience sounds wonderful, and absolutely how it should be when everyone gets it right, and you are dealing with relatives who are neither a bit mad nor pushy.

The OP however is not in such an idyllic position and her own MIL is rather less concerned about what is right than what she wants where the grandchild is concerned. Even her DH is keen to put his foot down, which says it all to me.
PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.

[Astro55]

I wouldn't appreciate being called selfish either! Not likely to make you want to pass the baby over!! It's not like playground sharing!

[Chloe84]

YANBU to not want to spend a whole day with MIL every week (yikes, waaay too much) and also wanting to keep baby close by as she's so young.

However, re below, it's not your MIL's fault that your DM lives in another town and you shouldn't limit MIL's time with baby for this reason.

Especially given the fact that my DM will see DD a lot less as we do not live in same town.

[AcrossthePond55]

I realize how lucky I was Cardinal. I've seen threads where I felt 'what's the big deal?'. Others where I've thought 'Oh,HELL no!'. I guess sometimes on these threads I think about how, if I'd been of a mind to, I could have been 'upset' at Mil or Mum because I had interpreted their 'ways' as interfering or as questioning my abilities.

I just think some mums need to stop a moment and ask themselves about the possibility that the motives behind some of their mum's or MiL's actions aren't really devious, it's just a misunderstanding of motive.

[Astro55]

it's just a misunderstanding

Really is had to misunderstand being called selfish

[Atenco]

I will say that they were NOT 'guests', they were grandmothers. They didn't expect 'entertaining' or 'being hosted'. They usually showed up with something to eat or reheat for later, they pitched in with housework, quietly and discreetly, just 'doing' without comments. They praised my 'skill' at mothering whilst offering suggestions in a way that didn't make me feel useless. In short, they were wonderful!

This is maybe the thing. I visited my MIL almost every day (she lived next door) but she was a wonderful support for me and my dd. Now I'm a grandmother with my dd and dgd living with me, so I am also useful.

[EweAreHere]

Not all grandmothers are 'grandmothers'. Some act like guests and expect to be hosted and entertained, even from new mums who've just gotten home from hospital. I've seen plenty of 'interesting' threads of mumsnet describing exactly those grandmothers.

Set your boundaries with your DH, OP, and stand firm. His mother sounds entitled. But it's your baby, your core family, and you get to set the schedule.

[ohfourfoxache]

I've been thinking about this thread and I've just realised what other posters have picked up on: she called you selfish.

In that case I'm going to change my tune a bit- you are not being selfish at all and actually I think I'd be telling her to FOTTFSOF. Very entitled and very uncalled for.

[grannytomine]

I think it depends on circumstances, I have GC I see most days as I do alot of child care and parents work shifts. I have other GC I see maybe every 6 to 8 weeks because they don't live locally and I don't expect them to do a 7 hr round trip to visit me and I can't always do it because of commitments with the other two and a part-time job and I don't always fancy a 7 hr round trip either.

Is this the first GC? Hopefully she will calm down in time.