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AIBU?

Sorry folks. Another MIL one.

40 replies

imisschocolate · 03/04/2017 14:48

MIL has accused us of being selfish when it comes to spending time with DD. (7 weeks old)

This stems from the fact that we do not want to spend one day every weekend with her as DH wants to have time just the 3 of us as he works full time so weekends are important to him. Also if she comes round in the evening during the week I refuse to keep her awake if she is ready to go to sleep. She normally will have a visit of at least and hour before DD goes to sleep.

The longest she has gone without seeing DD is 9 days. At 7 weeks old i don't think this is unreasonable. Especially given the fact that my DM will see DD a lot less as we do not live in same town.

An issue also seems to be that we won't let her take DD on a walk on her own. We're not comfortable with this yet. (Is very much a yet as we have no intention of not letting her see DD alone when we and more importantly DD are ready)

AWBU to not want to spend one day every weekend with MIL? How often do other GPs spend with 2 month old grandkids?

OP posts:

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grannytomine · 03/04/2017 18:35

I think it depends on circumstances, I have GC I see most days as I do alot of child care and parents work shifts. I have other GC I see maybe every 6 to 8 weeks because they don't live locally and I don't expect them to do a 7 hr round trip to visit me and I can't always do it because of commitments with the other two and a part-time job and I don't always fancy a 7 hr round trip either.

Is this the first GC? Hopefully she will calm down in time.

ohfourfoxache · 03/04/2017 18:29

I've been thinking about this thread and I've just realised what other posters have picked up on: she called you selfish.

In that case I'm going to change my tune a bit- you are not being selfish at all and actually I think I'd be telling her to FOTTFSOF. Very entitled and very uncalled for.

EweAreHere · 03/04/2017 18:19

Not all grandmothers are 'grandmothers'. Some act like guests and expect to be hosted and entertained, even from new mums who've just gotten home from hospital. I've seen plenty of 'interesting' threads of mumsnet describing exactly those grandmothers.

Set your boundaries with your DH, OP, and stand firm. His mother sounds entitled. But it's your baby, your core family, and you get to set the schedule.

Atenco · 03/04/2017 17:44

I will say that they were NOT 'guests', they were grandmothers. They didn't expect 'entertaining' or 'being hosted'. They usually showed up with something to eat or reheat for later, they pitched in with housework, quietly and discreetly, just 'doing' without comments. They praised my 'skill' at mothering whilst offering suggestions in a way that didn't make me feel useless. In short, they were wonderful!

This is maybe the thing. I visited my MIL almost every day (she lived next door) but she was a wonderful support for me and my dd. Now I'm a grandmother with my dd and dgd living with me, so I am also useful.

Astro55 · 03/04/2017 17:29

it's just a misunderstanding

Really is had to misunderstand being called selfish

AcrossthePond55 · 03/04/2017 17:13

I realize how lucky I was Cardinal. I've seen threads where I felt 'what's the big deal?'. Others where I've thought 'Oh,HELL no!'. I guess sometimes on these threads I think about how, if I'd been of a mind to, I could have been 'upset' at Mil or Mum because I had interpreted their 'ways' as interfering or as questioning my abilities.

I just think some mums need to stop a moment and ask themselves about the possibility that the motives behind some of their mum's or MiL's actions aren't really devious, it's just a misunderstanding of motive.

Chloe84 · 03/04/2017 17:06

YANBU to not want to spend a whole day with MIL every week (yikes, waaay too much) and also wanting to keep baby close by as she's so young.

However, re below, it's not your MIL's fault that your DM lives in another town and you shouldn't limit MIL's time with baby for this reason.

Especially given the fact that my DM will see DD a lot less as we do not live in same town.

Astro55 · 03/04/2017 16:50

I wouldn't appreciate being called selfish either! Not likely to make you want to pass the baby over!! It's not like playground sharing!

CardinalCat · 03/04/2017 16:45

AcrossthePond, your experience sounds wonderful, and absolutely how it should be when everyone gets it right, and you are dealing with relatives who are neither a bit mad nor pushy.

The OP however is not in such an idyllic position and her own MIL is rather less concerned about what is right than what she wants where the grandchild is concerned. Even her DH is keen to put his foot down, which says it all to me.
PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.

carefreeeee · 03/04/2017 16:43

If it's too much, better to say rather than be resentful. On the other hand, you will probably be grateful when the child is a bit older and you want to do some of your own stuff.

Perhaps you can compromise a bit by letting MIL look after the baby whilst you have a bath or cook dinner? Then it can graduate to a bit of babysitting whilst you go out for dinner etc in a few months. That way you don't have to spend all the time chatting to her.

7 weeks is very young of course, but parents who are happy to let grandparents look after their children (when a bit older) and don't obsess with having to be there constantly do seem to have an easier time of it.

damewithaname · 03/04/2017 16:34

If it makes you uncomfortable to have her do certain things that you and hubby have discussed...then just let it be known. It is your home, you guys are trying to adjust to having a baby, who is still quite young. Just set the boundaries.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/04/2017 16:27

My mum and MiL dropped by just about every day when my sons were tiny babies. Sometimes they stayed a minute, sometimes they stayed the afternoon. Didn't bother me a bit. I also never felt they were 'tearing them out of my arms' when they held them or walked them around outside in the yard. It was lovely to watch them love my children so deeply, it made me think about the love and wonder they must have shown me and DH when we were tiny and they were young mums. And it was a nice break from the 24/7 of new motherhood. I could take a shower, a nap, enjoy eating a meal using two hands, or just sit and visit.

I will say that they were NOT 'guests', they were grandmothers. They didn't expect 'entertaining' or 'being hosted'. They usually showed up with something to eat or reheat for later, they pitched in with housework, quietly and discreetly, just 'doing' without comments. They praised my 'skill' at mothering whilst offering suggestions in a way that didn't make me feel useless. In short, they were wonderful!

In return I was generous with the babies and appreciative of their efforts. The three of us were a 'partnership of mothers', we weren't rivals or adversaries.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/04/2017 16:11

Your MIL, whilst wonderfully excited is also rather entitled, I feel.
Definitely, do not pander to her, you'll be making a rod for your own back, if you do.

Onestepawayfromtheshoeshine · 03/04/2017 16:09

Yanbu! Congratulations on your baby . We have a 1 month old, plus another 2 children. Mil & fil visit us every 2-3 weeks, we visit them about once a month. It works well on both sides , df is yet to visit new baby, but that's a whole other story! Do what works best for your new little family, don't commit to a regular day/timetable but also be open to changing this as your dd gets older.

BeyondThePage · 03/04/2017 15:56

we still spend one day each weekend with MIL - she does roast dinner - with Yorkshire pudding and apple pie for afters and tea with homemade scones or lemon drizzle cake in the afternoon.

Been married 20 years, so that is roughly 1000 days (1000 roast dinners... mmmm) - don't see the problem. She stays with us for a week at Christmas too - in our house, despite only living 30min away.

MN sacrilege.

You do what works for your family.

EweAreHere · 03/04/2017 15:48

"Really? You spent one day out of every precious family weekend with your MIL when your children were young? And you kept your babies awake well past their bedtimes whenever they demanded it. Wow. I didn't know that! What were you thinking!"

highinthesky · 03/04/2017 15:43

MIL is obviously crazy about her DGD (my own mum was the same).There are worse problems to have in life.

BeyondThePage · 03/04/2017 15:39

Some grandmas like to walk the kids round to show them off - to their friends, to the people they love - the people that as a mum you would never meet or invite round to your house. They just want to show off.

I see that as a nice thing, a good thing - they want the people in their lives to see the new addition to their family, they are family right?

PerspicaciaTick · 03/04/2017 15:36

Maybe she wants to take baby for a walk because taking babies for a walk in the spring sunshine is enjoyable? And lots of new parents quite enjoy a 30min break to have a shower, a nap or a cup of tea while DGP goes to the postbox and back - although not the OP, obviously, although it doesn't sound like the MiL has worked that out yet.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 03/04/2017 15:33

Of course YANBU. Your dd is not a toy or a time share, no one is entitled to a 'turn' and certainly she shouldn't get her sleep disturbed just to gratify an adult who seems a bit too excited to be thinking clearly!

Be very careful of getting guilted into a pattern or habit such as one day a weekend, as that can get set in stone and then cause major hurt feelings, dramas and wanting other days in compensation if someone has a cold/doesn't feel like it/ has an appointment/ you go on holiday/ child has a party to go to etc. Someone calling you names (selfish) doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong, you can always smile and say a little healthy selfishness is a good thing sometimes.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 03/04/2017 15:32

You need to start as you mean to go on. She sounds like she could be one of those grandmothers who as DD gets older she'll be able to coo over her and tell you that 'DD loves Grandma more than Mummy'.
And the taking her out for a walk - so that other people will admire DD and she wants to feel the reflected glory? Or maybe she's secretly hoping that people will assume that she's the baby's mother, and then she'll give a tinkly laugh and say 'oh no, I'm her grandmother' and wait for the other person to gasp 'but you don't look old enough'. Or maybe she even would, if she could get away with it, tell people she IS DD's mother.

Batshit ideas like these are the only ones I can think of for wanting the walk.

annandale · 03/04/2017 15:26

But it's not a test situation, presumably - it's not that you think she can't cope, you just don't want to let go of a baby who is seven weeks old. This is hardly unusual or weird.

YANBU. Don't let it get to you. 'Oh really' 'Mmm' 'Give us a few months, I'm sure it'll all come out in the wash' or other meaningless burble, then change the subject. You're clear what you want - stick to it.

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diddl · 03/04/2017 15:26

I offered for my ILs to visit once a week-in the week to see the kids.

But they only wanted to visit at the weekend when husband would be there for the whole visit.

One in sat or sun in three was the most he was willing to give them!

7wks & wanting to take baby out alone? Hahahahahahaha!

My parents used to visit once a week.

No GPs took the kid(s) without us as they came to see us as well.

TheHuntingOfTheSarky · 03/04/2017 15:23

Crikey what is it with people? No way is it reasonable for her to expect you to devote one day a week to her! She is your child, not hers, and there is no written rule for GPs visitation rights.

It's not like a 2 month old is really doing anything but eating and sleeping anyway. She'd be better advised to follow your wishes now so she's still allowed to spend time with your DD when she's a bit older.

I've always been a bit envious of friends who have family living close by - bigger support network, babysitting etc - but honestly threads like this make me think again!

brassbrass · 03/04/2017 15:23

the other thing is some GPs do see a lot of their DGC but that's because they already have an easy and friendly relationship with the parents presumably established and nurtured prior to the babies coming along.

So new parents gravitate naturally to their company rather than feeling duty bound or guilt tripped into it which isn't fun for anyone.

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