To wonder is my bad Work Ethic my fault and ask you how the fuck can I change? Desperate. Do I sound ill or bad?

[shittyworkethic]

I do nothing. Nothing. I have no children. I work 4 or 8 hours a week, that's it really. It's not guaranteed work.

I'm exhausted all of the time. I have anxiety which in one way I cope ok with, but in another I seem to use an awful lot of energy just calming myself down to do normal things. Then there's no energy left for anything else. It's like I only cope if there are no demands made of me, then I can do the basics like eating, showering, laundry - but once I have to meet a commitment of going out to do something, I get really stressed and feel panicky like I can't cope. Then everything gets done really badly, I just do the bare minimum until I can crawl back to bed and eat junk food because once I've been out at work I can't even begin to think of cooking.

My mind literally feels like it's exploding (although obviously it isn't!) with so much to worry about all the time, and it's like I'm constantly working frantically to reassure myself.

Right now, there's a fly crawling up my window and i have no idea how to get it out - the window is much taller than me. I feel anxious at it's dirty feet putting germs everywhere and grossed out at the idea of swatting it. I'm not panicking but it feels like it's using maybe 20% of brain function to manage how I feel about it. I hate insects in my house.

I've moved house and had to cook on gas for the first time - in six weeks I've only done it twice because it just overwhelms me so much. I spent hours hungry today rather than just go and make a fucking omelette like I wanted. Eventually went and did it and I feel ridiculously pleased with myself, but also upset because I'm a grown woman and it shouldn't emotionally exhaust me to have to adapt to new cooking facilities.

The thing is, once I'm safe at home with a bar of chocolate and time to relax - I'm happy enough. So I'm not really sick enough for intense mental health intervention.

I have a new psychiatrist who is fairly happy with where I'm at - I had a suicide attempt two years ago and have been stable since coming out of that bad spell. I had a fair amount of trauma as a young person, so I'm fairly sure I do have a bit of PTSD in the mix. This time of year is quite hard and I get intense flashbacks which make me want to sleep to get away. I'm also waiting to be assessed for asperger's although that's not what it's called anymore.

Another doctor has mentioned possible Chronic Fatigue Syndrome because I have so little energy and also I have an auto-immune disorder.

Do I sound batshit crazy or just like a bad, lazy person? Do I just sound like a fucking spoilt brat? I don't know what to do. How do I change myself???

I just want to be a normal, healthy person, who has enough energy to work and make a positive contribution to the world.

[Cailleach]

Well, here's what works for me.

• no caffeine for six hours before bed
  
• no sugar four hours before bed
  
• flux app on PC turns down blue light factor on PC monitor. Ditto tablet and phone. (Blue light blocks melatonin production.)
  
• rigid routine, in bed very early.
  
• white noise on in background (radio tuned to static)
  
• ear plugs in
  
• bed room dark as possible
  
• no worrying about lack of sleep. No thinking. Turn brain off, go blank. (Takes practice, this)

[Goldfishjane]

Gthanks callie

[CFSKate]

"It's like I only cope if there are no demands made of me, then I can do the basics like eating, showering, laundry - but once I have to meet a commitment of going out to do something, I get really stressed and feel panicky like I can't cope."

I have ME/CFS and so I do not have enough energy, and so when I am asked to do something which I do not have enough energy budgeted for, that is stressful, when I am required to perform to a standard which I can no longer meet, because I just don't have enough fuel. So of course I feel like I can't cope, because I can't! It's like being asked to buy something costing £10 and I only have £4. I can't do it, not without going into debt/relapse.


About exhaustion and anxiety in CFS, sometimes it can be this instead of true anxiety. Dr. Bell's case history of a patient, Maggie, with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia plus panic attacks is excerpted from Dr. Bell’s book Faces of CFS - Case Histories of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,* published in August, 2000.
"It shows how a expert diagnostician can tell the difference between a panic disorder and ME/CFS and fibromyalgia. In Maggie's case her prior doctors had zeroed in on symptoms similar to those found in panic attack (heart racing, face flushing, lips quivering) while ignored symptoms that were associated with ME/CFS (exhaustion, cognitive problems, leaden feelings in limbs, sore throat, IBS symptoms)."

Please note I am not saying you can't have both CFS and anxiety, of course you can, just that there may be something more complicated in there as well.

[heron98]

You sound depressed.

How can you afford to live if you only work 8 hours a week?

This is an unpopular opinion but I do think there's an element of "just get on and do it" with a lot of life. Just work more hours, force yourself - even if you hate it it can't be worse than what you're doing now.

And as others have said, the more you do the more energy you have.

When I was unemployed I slept for hours in the day and felt so exhausted precisely because I had nothing to do.

Now I work full time, work out for three hours a day and run a part time business and bizarrely have a lot more energy.

[shittyworkethic]

Heron I survive on PIP and housing benefit. I don't claim JSA or ESA because I feel guilty enough as it is.

[lasttimeround]

I think you do sound sick enough for a mental health intervention. I'm sure your Drs are very pleased (as should you be) you've made your way back from being suicidal. But the level of anxiety and hard mental work you need to get through the day is not how healthy people function. It's really hard to get decent mental health support when things aren't critical but it could make all the difference. Could you get someone professional to help you work through this more systematically. Maybe there's an underlying physical cause (cfs?). Maybe meds for anxiety or compulsiveness as well as therapy and self care routines. Is there some way you csn get someone to help you fund an intervention with a big ov medical oversight. Do done tests. Make a plan for trailing certain things and actually seeing that through? Its overwhelming to go yourself snd a bit of medical and psych expertise is good too). I think that kind of low level longer term support is sorely lacking in our health system.

[lasttimeround]

And don't feel guilty you are probably ill and need a bit more support not blame and shame. Life isn't the kind of struggle you describe when you are well.

[flibflob]

I have chronic depression, and all of this sounds awfully familiar. Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand, as with long-term illnesses like autoimmune diseases. I also have PTSD which can often throw you a curveball esp if you're already struggling. Just my experience.

The Mind website has loads of easy to digest information on MH, and you can call or (I think) email (am on app can't link). If you are under care of psychiatrist write everything down and talk it through with them or GP if you can't see them quickly enough. We'll get there. Wishing you all the best

[CFSKate]

We have a big CFS thread here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/general_health/2618526-CFS-ME-Fibro-spoony-support-thread-2?pg=16