I do nothing. Nothing. I have no children. I work 4 or 8 hours a week, that's it really. It's not guaranteed work.
I'm exhausted all of the time. I have anxiety which in one way I cope ok with, but in another I seem to use an awful lot of energy just calming myself down to do normal things. Then there's no energy left for anything else. It's like I only cope if there are no demands made of me, then I can do the basics like eating, showering, laundry - but once I have to meet a commitment of going out to do something, I get really stressed and feel panicky like I can't cope. Then everything gets done really badly, I just do the bare minimum until I can crawl back to bed and eat junk food because once I've been out at work I can't even begin to think of cooking.
My mind literally feels like it's exploding (although obviously it isn't!) with so much to worry about all the time, and it's like I'm constantly working frantically to reassure myself.
Right now, there's a fly crawling up my window and i have no idea how to get it out - the window is much taller than me. I feel anxious at it's dirty feet putting germs everywhere and grossed out at the idea of swatting it. I'm not panicking but it feels like it's using maybe 20% of brain function to manage how I feel about it. I hate insects in my house.
I've moved house and had to cook on gas for the first time - in six weeks I've only done it twice because it just overwhelms me so much. I spent hours hungry today rather than just go and make a fucking omelette like I wanted. Eventually went and did it and I feel ridiculously pleased with myself, but also upset because I'm a grown woman and it shouldn't emotionally exhaust me to have to adapt to new cooking facilities.
The thing is, once I'm safe at home with a bar of chocolate and time to relax - I'm happy enough. So I'm not really sick enough for intense mental health intervention.
I have a new psychiatrist who is fairly happy with where I'm at - I had a suicide attempt two years ago and have been stable since coming out of that bad spell. I had a fair amount of trauma as a young person, so I'm fairly sure I do have a bit of PTSD in the mix. This time of year is quite hard and I get intense flashbacks which make me want to sleep to get away. I'm also waiting to be assessed for asperger's although that's not what it's called anymore.
Another doctor has mentioned possible Chronic Fatigue Syndrome because I have so little energy and also I have an auto-immune disorder.
Do I sound batshit crazy or just like a bad, lazy person? Do I just sound like a fucking spoilt brat? I don't know what to do. How do I change myself???
I just want to be a normal, healthy person, who has enough energy to work and make a positive contribution to the world.
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To wonder is my bad Work Ethic my fault and ask you how the fuck can I change? Desperate. Do I sound ill or bad?
59 replies
shittyworkethic · 02/04/2017 18:09
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