To wonder is my bad Work Ethic my fault and ask you how the fuck can I change? Desperate. Do I sound ill or bad?

[shittyworkethic]

I do nothing. Nothing. I have no children. I work 4 or 8 hours a week, that's it really. It's not guaranteed work.

I'm exhausted all of the time. I have anxiety which in one way I cope ok with, but in another I seem to use an awful lot of energy just calming myself down to do normal things. Then there's no energy left for anything else. It's like I only cope if there are no demands made of me, then I can do the basics like eating, showering, laundry - but once I have to meet a commitment of going out to do something, I get really stressed and feel panicky like I can't cope. Then everything gets done really badly, I just do the bare minimum until I can crawl back to bed and eat junk food because once I've been out at work I can't even begin to think of cooking.

My mind literally feels like it's exploding (although obviously it isn't!) with so much to worry about all the time, and it's like I'm constantly working frantically to reassure myself.

Right now, there's a fly crawling up my window and i have no idea how to get it out - the window is much taller than me. I feel anxious at it's dirty feet putting germs everywhere and grossed out at the idea of swatting it. I'm not panicking but it feels like it's using maybe 20% of brain function to manage how I feel about it. I hate insects in my house.

I've moved house and had to cook on gas for the first time - in six weeks I've only done it twice because it just overwhelms me so much. I spent hours hungry today rather than just go and make a fucking omelette like I wanted. Eventually went and did it and I feel ridiculously pleased with myself, but also upset because I'm a grown woman and it shouldn't emotionally exhaust me to have to adapt to new cooking facilities.

The thing is, once I'm safe at home with a bar of chocolate and time to relax - I'm happy enough. So I'm not really sick enough for intense mental health intervention.

I have a new psychiatrist who is fairly happy with where I'm at - I had a suicide attempt two years ago and have been stable since coming out of that bad spell. I had a fair amount of trauma as a young person, so I'm fairly sure I do have a bit of PTSD in the mix. This time of year is quite hard and I get intense flashbacks which make me want to sleep to get away. I'm also waiting to be assessed for asperger's although that's not what it's called anymore.

Another doctor has mentioned possible Chronic Fatigue Syndrome because I have so little energy and also I have an auto-immune disorder.

Do I sound batshit crazy or just like a bad, lazy person? Do I just sound like a fucking spoilt brat? I don't know what to do. How do I change myself???

I just want to be a normal, healthy person, who has enough energy to work and make a positive contribution to the world.

I do get more done once I get into my stride, yes, on good days. However I seem to pay for it then and will be utterly exhausted for a couple of days after.

Genuinely, my brain just freezes over and I can't even read a few lines and take it in.

You sound like me 20 years ago

It was nothing to do with my work ethic. I wanted to work and tried many jobs but always ended up quitting or getting sacked as I was so exhausted by Ft work.

I had a horrible childhood and thought for years that it was anxiety/stress/ptsd that made me the way I am. But then I was also diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that caused chronic fatigue. Now I just accept that I cannot keep up with 'normal' life because I am not 'normal'.

I no longer try to work full time. I have a part time job which I enjoy and I am good at being frugal. I try not to feel a failure for not being like everybody else, I do the best I can given my own circumstances and I am reasonably happy with that.

That's exactly how I am (I have PA) with energy levels. If something HAS to be done I can push through it but I pay for it afterwards, can be for days. Do you have copies of your test results or do you know what was tested?

This has nothing to do with work ethic, you sound ill. (I suffer from mental illness myself and have studied Psychology.) Are you on any medication? Do you have any friends or family to support you? If your psychiatrist is happy with where you are then I wonder if you told him / her exactly what you told us here. Don't give up, and don't beat yourself up about it - it's not your fault.

From a medical point of view you need meds and therapy.

From a self care perspective I have a couple of suggestions:

1. Don't focus on being successful, whatever that means. Focus on being healthy, physically and mentally.
2. Do some exercise every day. You don't have to run 2 miles, just get out of your front door and walk for 15 minutes. That's it. Walk for 7.5 minutes, then turn around.
3. Build on your successes. It's absolutely fine to feel proud of yourself for cooking on gas the first time. (I'm not from the UK but I lived there for 2 years and cooking on gas terrified me. I once set my scarf on fire.) So while you're feeling good about that achievement, use the energy to do something else, like fold some laundry etc.
4. Write down a meal plan and go shopping. If that's hard, do online shopping. You can't eat healthy food if you don't have healthy food in the house. The reverse is also true, don't have lots of unhealthy stuff in the house.
5. Once you feel a bit better, volunteer. If you don't want to work with people then volunteer at an animal shelter. Volunteering did wonders for my self esteem.

These things are hard to do, I still battle with many of them. But baby steps, and give yourself credit for every little win. You can get better and deserve to be helped. If you have someone who is willing to support you, ask them to help you plan meals and shop, or go for a walk with you, or call you at a certain time and tell you to go and walk. Being accountable to someone else can give you that extra little push that you need.

Wow. You do well to do anything at all if that is how you feel all the time. I have no advice except to stop being so hard on youself. If you want to change things do it slowly with small achievements.

Another poster has mentioned Pathological Demand Avoidance and this was what came to mind when I read your story too, having a relative with this. It's a personality profile on the autistic spectrum which manifests slightly differently - people with it can be perfectly social and engaging, which means they don't set off the usual alarm bells that might lead a health professional to explore the possibility that somebody is on the autistic spectrum.

The main characteristic is an intense anxiety triggered by any demands. The demands can be as small as things like needing to shower. They can have intense difficulty/anxiety at the thought of doing even small things and may have spent years being dismissed as just lazy, etc., which obviously only compounds the mental health issues (anxiety, depression) which often arise as a result of not being diagnosed.

It's still under-recognised and diagnosis depends on the provision of adult autism diagnosis in a given area, but it's worth looking into if you feel that the descriptions match what you are experiencing.

Here's some info: www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx

I have difficult veins as well. Anxiety regarding a blood test will make you feel sick. I'm a lot less anxious these days. I used to pass out with blood tests. You will find it easier if you learn how to manage your emotions for this one and breathe. Talk to your psychiatrist perhaps?

The feeling ill after you exerted yourself is a CFS symptom. Ie post exertional malaise as is the brain fog.

Equating all of this to a bad work ethic is just another way to beat yourself up. Its nothing to do with work ethic.

You have had to cope with a lot and you have ongoing health issues. It doesn't sound like your family are particularly supportive. Those are all very valid reasons for why you are the way you are.

Reading about it is good, and it sounds like you have good self insight. But you can't make yourself better by reading about it. Is your psychiatrist aware of all of it?

IME a lack of self belief and self worth was at the root of my behaviour which was similar to what you describe.

You have been like this so long that you have no idea what a more functional life actually could look like for you and that can be a scary thing.

What support do you have? In what ways do you think you could try to build up your activity levels? Is there any hobby or activity that requires you to be out of the house that you might like to try?

For me, it was about accepting that I was mentally ill while also not letting myself become resigned to it. Imagining a future and truly knowing that I deserved it helped me begin the process of "re entering the world".

Reading forums all day does weird things to me - its like interaction.. without interaction - and unlike 'real' interaction your body feels like no-one is there, and you are not moving about - your body is effectively asleep and your mind is racing - that for me makes me sometimes feel exhausted like I've been working and aching - I think I don't even breathe properly if I'm browsing sometimes - also I know that feeling of the next forum, the bext youtube video or the next facebook post not really making me feel better, and so it gets really obsessive ...' oh god as soon as I get one flutter of feeling like I've really interacted or something's connected to me I'll log off' to your body and mind, though I suspect its completely unfulfilling -

There used to be a condition called terminal mind-numbing boredom. That's what I think you have. What is your job, is it boring/isolating too?

I'm another who thought I would be fine once I dealt with the baggage from my childhood. But actually there's also all my disabilities underlying that add up to cfs also. And many disabilities cause us to be able to push through things then crash later. I actually have a few months of my life in a few different times periods where I was just literally asleep allways, I would be asleep at 6 pm then sleep through my alarms and not be up until 3 or 4 then back to bed. My partner used to make my meals/wash my clothes. I'd be up for a day or two each week then back to my job of sleeping. It can take some of us much much longer to build stamina, emotional, mental and physical kind of stamina, and I only maintain the minor amount of this I have now by very strict pacing, lots of presciption Meds and tones of supplements. Although exercise works for me too- started with physio because I was bed bound and added in pilates and hydrotherapy when I could, now weight lifting works too. But still need to pace myself. Work wiser rather than harder, pass the mundane stuff onto others. Also when I work or write the little amount I do I get a huge rush out of it, which is emotionally energising. So if you have a passion or hobbie that can give you that kind of kick it's worth building up to that. And throw away stereotypical notions of success- join us non conformists on the dark side.

What is the auto imune disorder?

I am a sarcoid. It is thought to be an auto imune disorder, though no one yet knows because most research money goes on sexy illnesses lime cancer. One of the biggest effects is chronic exhaustion, and depression, and being very difficult to deal with when it is active...

ah, so the auto immune disease, does it flare up in trying times?

I have depression and anxiety and no idea how I'd have held down a job if I wasn't medicated. I think in previous era I'd have been homeless or in Bedlam frankly.

I hope you find a way to get more progress made. I'd also look at pernicious anemia btw, I think it's under diagnosed.

Do I sound batshit crazy or just like a bad, lazy person? Do I just sound like a fucking spoilt brat? I don't know what to do. How do I change myself???

You sound very like my DD who has AS and is at university.

She has to plan her life around how much mental energy she has to share between all the tasks she needs to complete. She also has to let some things go just because she knows that doing them will prevent her from doing other things.

Her severe anxiety makes her ill when it is bad and long lasting. That level of stress on your body does affect your health.

One thing that helps her is to plan to achieve less so she doesn't feel like she's letting herself or anyone else down when that's what she does. Once she gets her head round only trying to achieve a manageable amount, she finds that she is more able to achieve the things she has decided she can manage.

So, on days you are working, have food planned that you don't have to cook because you don't have the mental energy left to do that.

Demand avoidance is common in people on the autism spectrum so don't feel like you need it to be diagnosed in order for it to be recognised. A good strategy for managing it is to allow yourself time to process the demand and come round to it wherever possible. What feels impossible on day one might feel unmanageable on day too, unpleasant on day three and just about doable on day four but only if you've spent those days imagining doing it, not trying to find ways to avoid it.

Remember that stress fills your brain with chemicals that make it hard to think and not being able to think properly makes you stressed. Try to get out of that vicious circle by stopping, using distraction and relaxation and coming back to tasks later when you feel less stressed.

Lastly, find out about impaired executive function. It can cause highly intelligent people to find a simple series of tasks impossible to manage. If it rings bells for you try to remember to break tasks down into tiny steps and only ever focus on one of those steps at a time. Creating lists to follow so you don't have to work out next steps all the time can help too.

Don't try to change yourself. Try to cut yourself some slack and stop trying to live a life you don't find manageable. It's OK to do the things you can manage and let other things go, even if they are things other people can manage easily.

You are not pathetic or a burden OP. In fact, you sound like a tough cookie who has come through some very hard battles. Yes you have the battle scars to show for it but given time, compassion (from yourself) and the right support from a therapist you can change how you feel. It sounds like you are very self aware which is great but you are being too hard on yourself. Don't put undue pressure on your shoulders but setting yourself some realistic goals each day could work well. Like going a walk, using the gas hob or doing some shopping. Do you have much of a support network in real life?

Itsnoteasy The money spent on research on sexy illnesses drives me insane as well. As I said upthread, I have ME/CFS. Doctors, I have read, who work with both ME and AIDS patients would rather have AIDS because of the massive injection of cash and research. There was a thread a couple of days ago started by someone, who was anxious about their BIL as he had just been diagnosed as HIV positive and from what posters said, it really sounds like it is no big deal.

To be made to feel like we are not deserving or question ourselves and be ridiculed by family and many in society because we don't have one of these high profile diseases is really shit.

Op yes, some of your symptoms are undoubtedly being made worse by anxiety. This would be the same if you had cancer or HIV. State of mind has a big bearing on any illness.

Thank you.

I have a supportive and loving partner but we live in different countries. We miss each other a lot, which I think is difficult emotionally too.

I have excellent specialist doctors and nursing staff re my physical health and because they do recognise the impact of long term illness I have access to a psychiatrist via them also. I am very lucky.

Normally, I chat with some of my family once a week but over the last couple of weeks I've been making excuses. I think I won't be positive enough on the phone and they will feel awkward and worried. That makes me feel worse and very lonely.

"What feels impossible on day one might feel unmanageable on day too, unpleasant on day three and just about doable on day four but only if you've spent those days imagining doing it, not trying to find ways to avoid it."

I can really relate to this. I seem to do everything like this, which in some ways feels like procrastination but in others feels like I'm building up to actually being able to do something.

I was a lot like you in my twenties, and early thirties. I would spend all weekend in bed, exhausted, wondering why I found everything so damned hard. I had at least two major nervous breakdowns, one leading to a three month stay in a psychiatric unit.

I was eventually diagnosed with autism at the ripe old age of 36.

I am now 40 and function much better in life, although to be honest most of the time I am still clinging on by the very ends of my fingernails half the time.

I was thinking about this the other day, and wondering why I had gradually become a more functioning individual over the years, and I realised a few things.

One was that it had taken me a long long time to learn how to do basic tasks effectively - cooking being the main example - and that the secret to doing so was basically endless, endless repetition of those tasks until they came naturally and I no longer had to think about them. I now know, of course, that executive dysfunction is a massive part of ASD, which explains a very great deal about me personally. I think autistic people are probably very slow to learn skills that other people pick up naturally, and so we get into a mindset of "I can't do this" where actually we generally can - ok not in all cases - it's just going to take fucking ages for us to learn to do so than it would do for someone neurotypical. This gets very discouraging, and leads to depression and frustration and profoundly low self-esteem.

The other is possibly more important - I have stopped thinking endlessly about things, and now I "Just Get Up and Do Them". If I start ruminating about all the things I need to do, and all the things I haven't yet done, and oh god I really fucked that up yesterday didn't I, I am using up valuable mental energy that I require to actually get things done, and I don't have very much of that to start off with.

I have rigid routines, designed to minimise stress and eliminate the need to think. So I am in bed at 10pm, no excuses, rigid sleep hygiene firmly in place. At 7am, I get up. Every day. I get out of bed before I even think about it, because if my mind starts Churning with Plans before I do, I'm fucked. Then before I do anything else, I eat to give me energy.

I walk a minimum of ten miles a day (helps with sleep) which I check on my Fitbit, take the pill back to back to eliminate periods (no mood swings, reduces sensory stress due to pain) I eat ABSOLUTELY regularly.

Shopping is always done first thing in the morning, when almost no-one else is in the store - this minimises sensory stress on me. Friday afternoon on mornings shift week is washing day, Friday morning on afternoons shift week ditto. Cleaning done once a week, Friday likewise, so I have the weekends free. Etc etc etc.

Life is kept as simple as possible: clutter in the house is kept to a minimum, I do not answer the door or phone unless I have to, I do nothing whatsoever to complicate my life, I have considerable built in down-time to allow me to decompress. If other people want to come round, I am free to say no. Just "no", with no guilt. No, I'm too tired, bugger off.

When I catch my mind beginning to Churn, I stop it.

I do not care what people think of me any more. If they think I'm weird, I am. If I don't get it right socially, so the fuck what. I'm doing my best, if that's not good enough, tough titty, like they'd be doing any better if they were in my shoes.

I basically go through life a bit like a robot, but it's the only way for me to survive - Turn Off Chattering Brain, Move. Do Stuff. Cocked It Up, Don't Care. Learn From Mistakes. Keep Going. Don't Think About It. Just Do It. Stop Caring So Much.

I realised that the stats for life achievement for people with HF ASD are woeful, so holding down a job and just living independently were huge achievements, considering everything.

It's very very hard, OP, I have to be honest.

This is why the focus society has on autism as an issue with an individuals social skills and nothing else drives me nuts. Personally the hardest parts for me are the overwhelming sensory issues and the crippling executive dysfunction, but most people have no idea about that at all.

My advice? If you are diagnosed with ASD - or something else - make sure you read everything about it that you can. You will understand yourself better.

If you had told me I'd be doing this well at this age around the time of my diagnosis - and that's only four years ago, after all, I'd have been amazed. Don't let yourself get discouraged - whatever you can achieve today is a positive.

Best wishes, anyway.

x
C

"I think autistic people are probably very slow to learn skills that other people pick up naturally, and so we get into a mindset of "I can't do this" where actually we generally can - ok not in all cases - it's just going to take fucking ages for us to learn to do so than it would do for someone neurotypical."

This made me smile, in a rueful way. It sounds like you are doing so well now - bloody well done!

I really identify with a lot of what several of you are saying. My ASD assessment will be sometime during the next six months, it's with the NHS. I wonder what the verdict will be.

My executive function is truly abysmal.

Cailleach I love your post, you sound pretty awesome. I don't have autism but reckon I could benefit for an attitude like yours. Less procrastinating and more doing .

Thanks, givemestrength. I wish I could teach it to you, and anyone else that needs it, but I think you just have to get there in your own time and in your own way.

Self-awareness is a big part of it... Knowing why you are the way you are and why you react the way you do in certain situations is empowering stuff, and hugely helpful.

OP I hope you won't mind - might benefit? - if I ask Callieleach for any sleep routine tips. I don't have autism but the anxiety and depression give me insomnia issues and that in turns affects everything else.

i run, I often thinking walking might be better but running takes less time. That prob sounds a little nutty in itself but between work and commuting that's how I fit in exercise which is essential for my sanity.

Of course I don't mind! Anything that helps, any of us, it's all good!

Asd jumped out at me from your description, op. Regardless, you need to cut yourself some slack. You are actually doing great.

And Cailleach, I love your post too.

thanks op
My precious Sunday night sleeping pill didn't work
It's going to be a fun day on the office......
So yes, sleep routines interest me, if I could up my sleep it would help a lot