Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2

AIBU?

To want to do these research trips alone?

50 replies

AVY1 · 20/03/2017 14:22

I'm at a 'get my shit together' point in my life and want to go on two research trips (abroad but Europe) for my next novel.

DH has been fine about that and we agreed that I would do them this year. DH now seems put out that I don't want him or DD to come with me. This was discussed before and I thought all was ok with these as business trips.

On further questioning, it isn't because he's worried about me being safe. It's because they are places he's now decided he'd quite like to go to as well but we could easily also go together in the near future as well.

I really don't want the trips hijacked and turned in to family holidays. I know myself well enough to know that I won't be able to relax in to the things I'm planning and not spending time with them. I just want to be able to focus on what I'm doing. I also want to prove to myself that my domestic life hasn't actually destroyed all sense of self that I have and that I'm strong enough to be out in the world solo.

I've put a lot on hold in the 6 years since DD was born and know that this year I HAVE to take charge of my identity outside of what DD and he need. I want DD to see this version of me too. The new book and these trips are a big part of that.

The first trip will be 5 days (May) and the second a week (early July).

There are no issues with childcare.

Am I being really unreasonable to put my foot down and say that I want to stick to the original plan?

So as to not dripfeed there is a third research trip that we had already planned to do together. It's not like I'm shutting him out entirely, is it?

OP posts:

Report

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 20/03/2017 15:50

It's a bit selfish, something to do when you are single but you have a family.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2017 15:51

Sounds like there's a theme of your job not being taken seriously (on this thread as well as in real life).

AVY1 · 20/03/2017 15:52

MrsTerryPratchett - that's a whole different Aibu! He goes to work to earn money. He's never quite got his head around me not going to work, say in an office, and so can have some very skewed ideas about my job at times - even though he says it's one of the things he loves most about me!

OP posts:

witsender · 20/03/2017 15:53

How is it selfish Lola? It's her job?

AVY1 · 20/03/2017 15:54

Is it selfish? I have worried about that!

I should add (desperately don't want to drip) that DD is very excited about the idea of a daddy week!

OP posts:

eitak22 · 20/03/2017 15:57

Lola would you consider it selfish if the OPs husband was having to work away with his job? If not, it is the same thing. She is doing this as her job not for a holiday also, the husband seems to think its ok for him to go away (not for work).

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2017 15:58

It's not selfish. I'm at a spa for two nights soon. It's for work and I will be working. If DH treated it like a jolly, I'd be annoyed. It is nice to get some unbroken sleep!

It's hard to make money writing.

PM me your books' titles so I can be suitably impressed

BarbaraofSeville · 20/03/2017 15:59

From your latest posts, your trips sound totally reasonable, especially as your DH gets trips away on his own too.

It's also a shame that you can't work undisturbed at home and have to rent an office elsewhere, which obviously costs in both financial and time/convenience.

BackforGood · 20/03/2017 16:03

DH regularly goes away - for his wellbeing - and I never ask him not too

This makes a difference to my reply now - might have been helpful to put it in the opening post.

carabos · 20/03/2017 16:08

lola something you do when you're single? Work? Is that just something you do when you're single? Wish I'd figured that out sooner then I wouldn't have spent the last 30 years setting the alarm...

2rebecca · 20/03/2017 16:12

Just tell him firmly no. Tell him you need to go lone to do research and have uninterrupted focus and that there is a place for family holidays and your research trips aren't them. Also tell him you don't try and hijack his trips away.
I think writing needs more focus than someone going on a business trip when it's just a few lectures or a couple of meetings and you can then switch off. Bringing a small child will make it hard to let go of mummy mode too.
I'm surprised you aren't left alone at home if your husband works office hours and your child is at school. Who is left to hassle you?

talksensetome · 20/03/2017 16:21

At first I thought you were being unreasonable but that was judging based on my own circumstances which are very different to your own. Having read the thread, no I don't think you are being unreasonable, you should go alone. However as a compromise maybe DH could bring DD out at the end of your trip just for a couple of days.

Hogterm · 20/03/2017 16:21

It's work. If it will impact your work then you are completely entitled to say no. It sounds like he is just thinking they sound like fun places to visit and treating them like a holiday. I think sometimes it is harder for people to get that it is still work when you can set your own itinerary and are not stick in an office all day. Just explain it to him again.

farfarawayfromhome · 20/03/2017 16:25

Even if it wasn't work, why should it matter if you can afford it? Does a family have to be so entwined they do everything together? I regularly holiday separately with a girlfriend, and alone. Have two solo trips planned this year. So does DH. Purely for fun. They save our sanity and we have strong solo identities as well as a family. We also holiday as a family.

YANBU.

Booksandmags79 · 20/03/2017 16:30

YANBU

It's a work trip and you're there to work. You'll never get as much covered if you're with your family as understandably you'd be putting their wants into the mix too.

I also wouldn't suggest they join you for some of it because it's basically saying you're going for longer than you need / reinforcing the notion that your work needs don't need to be taken seriously. Maybe on future trips once this issue is more resolved, but it feels like you need to put your foot down on these ones or forever be defending your work.

I assume you'll all benefit from the future earnings etc anyway. Use some of that for a cracking family trip away.

Good on you. I'm about to get a cleaner so I can free up some time to get a project of my own off the ground. I imagine this will raise some eyebrows with people I know, but I really want to give it a shot and there aren't enough hours to go round. I admire you for taking what you do seriously, it's obviously not been easy.

AgentBlue · 20/03/2017 16:34

So basically he goes away for his 'wellbeing' and thats ok, but you need to go away for work and he sees it as a jolly.......

It can be difficult when you don't have a traditional job for some to take you/your needs seriously, and it seems like your DH is one of them.

I work from home a few days a week; the amount of people who think that means I'm free to run errands ,go for long lunches, babysit, and most recently to sit in their house waiting on an engineer (I need a large monitor to do a lot of my work, it's is not exactly portable).

Put your foot down and just repeat this is a work trip.

Iflyaway · 20/03/2017 16:36

1. We have three family holidays / get aways booked this year. 2. It is specifically for research, not a retreat.

And childcare is taken care of.

Sounds good and reasonable to me.
Anyway, why should you not be able to go on a retreat? We all need down-time as mums.

Go for it. You are the master of your own destiny. You will also be teaching a valuable lesson to your child.

llangennith · 20/03/2017 16:54

Go do your thing and enjoy it. Hope your book is the better for it.

cingolimama · 20/03/2017 17:05

YANBU. It's so important to do research, actual research in the place a story is set. It's also important to have your own headspace. Alone. I agree with pp who said not to invite your DH and DD at the end of the trip. No no no.

Go. Think. Experience. Take notes. Take pleasure in having time alone. And then come back and write like a demon.

Good luck, OP.

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 17:11

It is not remotely selfish. You can't write novels well without researching them. Why shouldn't you be able to do this?

StealthPolarBear · 20/03/2017 17:17

Yanbu. I do my best work when I will be completely uninterrupted for as long as I need - overnight preferably.
I have to point out it is "I never ask him not to"
I am being a pedant, I'm so sorry. Shoot me.

AVY1 · 20/03/2017 17:27

Oh goodness! That's embarrassing. And why I never edit my own work.

Thanks for all the responses. It's good to see it from other perspectives. Will have a good chat with him tonight!

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

StealthPolarBear · 20/03/2017 17:29

Yeah I do get that you're there for content not proofreading . ..sorry.
hope you get it all sorted

motherinferior · 20/03/2017 18:19

I've taken at least one solo trip for a novel that hasn't been agented yet. Do it!

StealthPolarBear · 20/03/2017 21:14

I'm so jealous. I always wanted to be a writer. I should have been a writer. It's only an utter lack of talent that means I'm not.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.