AIBU to want to never send dd back to school?

[WildBelle]

My dd1 is nearly 13, and was diagnosed with ASD just over a year ago. She has had a rough few years - she had a bit of a breakdown in the last year of primary, and wasn't going at all for a while. When she did go back she wouldn't join in with lessons, she'd just sit with her head on the desk. She didn't have any friends at all and would spend all break times sitting on her own.

When she started secondary, there was a massive improvement. The school have been really good and supportive, and she has made a couple of friends which is groundbreaking for her. But she's mentioned a few times that the other kids think she's a 'loser', and this week went into a bit more detail about that.

One example is some boys walking past and saying 'hey dd, do you want to go out with xxxx?'. Dd said 'no', and the boys pissed themselves laughing and said to the boy in question 'haha, even dd won't go out with you'. Another example was she was eating her lunch by herself and a group of girls said 'hey dd, do you want to come and sit with us'. Dd thought that was nice of them and went and sat with them. Then one of her (2) friends (who wasn't there at the time but is friends with the girls she was sitting with) said later that one of the girls had been filming dd eating her lunch on her own and posted the video to snapchat, sending it to all her contacts, with the caption 'loner'.

It seems like it's low level stuff like this going on all the time. Dd is doing so well, she has massive anxiety problems so even going to school is a massive thing for her, and she's come so far from where she was a couple of years ago, and those little scotes at school are just chip chipping away at the little self confidence she has.

I don't know what to do about it, I think there's so many kids doing things like this to her that it wouldn't be a case of taking a few kids to one side, it's pretty much everyone. I feel so desperately sad for her, at home she is so bright and funny, she has a very dry, mature sense of humour, but at school she's just like a nervous little mouse. I've offered to home school her but part of her anxiety is based on a massive fear for her future, so I think she'd be hesitant to do something which would mean she probably wouldn't get such good results. I don't think moving her would help, for a start she's terrified of change and just doesn't want to go to another school, and also the school she's at is comparitively small and gets excellent results (it's a state boarding school), so sending her to a bigger comp would be like chucking her in the lions den.

Just wanted to vent really.

[user1475439961]

I don't think leaving to go to another school will help. I imagine that sadly, the same will happen wherever she goes, even in the Stiener school. Children can be terribly cruel.
I think the best thing to do is to speak to the senco that she is fond of, look for the positive friendships that she has & praise her for talking about what's happening at school. Facing this bullying and not running away from it will hopefully help her overcome situations like this in the future and arm her with ways to build her self esteem. I've seen it happen as a teacher and parent. Good luck with your degree!

[WildBelle]

Dd is at home and I've phoned the school to tell them she's not coming in today and why. I'm waiting for a call back from the person who deals with wellbeing and safeguarding.

I'm so upset. Dd is still asleep. Having a good cry. My poor girl.

[SuperRainbows]

You have done the right thing keeping her off. It's so sad that she has come to accept this bullying.

If you home ed her, there is so much help available now. You will also find great support within the home ed community. Lots of people will empathise with the situation with your dd.

At this stage, your dd's mental health is infinitely more important than exams. When my dd was home edded in year 8, she started to talk about wanting to do GCSE's. I gave her the choice of covering some of the work at home, but leaving taking exams until she was 16 plus and could go to sixth form college, or finding a school that she felt comfortable in. She went for the latter. Had she not been happy, she could have come out again.

You mentioned earlier that your dd is so happy and funny at home. That's why you have to sort this out for her. She doesn't need to face her bullies. She needs to never see them again.

She will also be able to work independently, enabling you to get on with your dissertation.

I can recommend resources to get you going if that would help.

I can imagine how you must be feeling, it's a bit of a leap into the dark. If it doesn't work, then you can review the situation, but in the meantime your dd will have a break from the pressure of school

[TeacupDrama]

you don't need to start home -ed till you have finished your disseration it's only 2 weeks till end of term then 2 weeks for easter holidays let her have a 4 week complete break; then let her have 4 weeks reading or studying something that interests her using internet which she can do while you finish studying whether that's ancient crete, the amazon jungle, a particular author or the internal structures of jet engines it really doesn't matter.

the beauty of home ed is that it doesn't need to take place between 9-3 mon-friday, you can have holidays when you like you, can do more education at weekends and it can fit around your job, once you have finished your dissertation and I agree it's really important you do you can work out some sort of plan for education but 2 months of her doing very little just now is not going to spoil her chances later if her mental health is worked on she can catch up academically later