AIBU to want to never send dd back to school?

[WildBelle]

My dd1 is nearly 13, and was diagnosed with ASD just over a year ago. She has had a rough few years - she had a bit of a breakdown in the last year of primary, and wasn't going at all for a while. When she did go back she wouldn't join in with lessons, she'd just sit with her head on the desk. She didn't have any friends at all and would spend all break times sitting on her own.

When she started secondary, there was a massive improvement. The school have been really good and supportive, and she has made a couple of friends which is groundbreaking for her. But she's mentioned a few times that the other kids think she's a 'loser', and this week went into a bit more detail about that.

One example is some boys walking past and saying 'hey dd, do you want to go out with xxxx?'. Dd said 'no', and the boys pissed themselves laughing and said to the boy in question 'haha, even dd won't go out with you'. Another example was she was eating her lunch by herself and a group of girls said 'hey dd, do you want to come and sit with us'. Dd thought that was nice of them and went and sat with them. Then one of her (2) friends (who wasn't there at the time but is friends with the girls she was sitting with) said later that one of the girls had been filming dd eating her lunch on her own and posted the video to snapchat, sending it to all her contacts, with the caption 'loner'.

It seems like it's low level stuff like this going on all the time. Dd is doing so well, she has massive anxiety problems so even going to school is a massive thing for her, and she's come so far from where she was a couple of years ago, and those little scotes at school are just chip chipping away at the little self confidence she has.

I don't know what to do about it, I think there's so many kids doing things like this to her that it wouldn't be a case of taking a few kids to one side, it's pretty much everyone. I feel so desperately sad for her, at home she is so bright and funny, she has a very dry, mature sense of humour, but at school she's just like a nervous little mouse. I've offered to home school her but part of her anxiety is based on a massive fear for her future, so I think she'd be hesitant to do something which would mean she probably wouldn't get such good results. I don't think moving her would help, for a start she's terrified of change and just doesn't want to go to another school, and also the school she's at is comparitively small and gets excellent results (it's a state boarding school), so sending her to a bigger comp would be like chucking her in the lions den.

Just wanted to vent really.

[SuperRainbows]

It's awful that your dd has to go through this everyday.

School isn't a good environment for her. I really understand that she doesn't like change, but this will really affect her self esteem over a long period.

I would recommend home educating her.

There is so much going on in the home ed community. In my area, there are social meet ups and also courses in art, drama, creative writing, forest school and music to name a few.

My four dcs have all been home edded and flexi schooled. My dd14 is now in school, but she has been in and out a few times. She came out in y5 due to bullying. She returned to Grammar School in Y7, but it didn't suit her, so she came out again. She is now back in y10 in a high school and thriving both socially and academically. She struggles with anxiety, but has a pass to the chill out zone if she needs it.

Maybe if your dd comes out now and you build up her confidence, she may choose to go back again. I love the philosophy behind Steiner School.

[Rockhopper81]

Reading your post has made me really quite emotional - you could be talking about me at secondary school. I was diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult, and spent my secondary school years shy, anxious and on the receiving end of many a snide comment or unknowingly the butt of a joke. I still remember comments now, like "I think I fancied all the girls at some point, even Rockhopper", as well as others. I was regularly 'teased' for not being sociable (I didn't know how and, to be honest, people exhaust me). I had a couple of good friends and that was it. It's a model I still have today - my friends are family, because I simply don't have acquaintances (don't know how!).

Anyway, trust me that this is all building up for your daughter. If she already had to have some time out of school in primary, this will most likely be pushing her towards a similar situation now - it's awesome that school is going much better for her, but these comments will add up eventually.

I think talking to the Head/SENCo is a good start. It really needs addressing before it starts having a much bigger impact.

[Salmotrutta]

Hi OP - I'm sorry you're DD is going through this.

I echo the poster above who said that the photograph taking and putting it on SnapChat. That's a big old no-no and the school probably has a policy about that.

I'd get in touch with her PCS teacher (not sure if you are in England but that's Pupil Care and Support teacher up here in Scotland) and tell them about this.

[WildBelle]

Thanks for the responses. I can assure you I'm not laid back or dismissive of what's going on.

Just had a chat with dd about it, and told her she doesn't have to go back. Will speak to the school tomorrow. Problem is I'm in the middle of writing my dissertation and coming up to my finals at uni, I'm completely snowed under, so won't have time to do much with her for the next couple of months.

She's really close to the pastoral support teacher at school and got quite upset about the thought of not seeing her again.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Easyboy

That's a deeply unpleasant thing to say. How do you know if in comparison to what's occurred before to the op's DD that this isn't low level.

It wouldn't be unusual for it to be so for many people with asd

[springflowers11]

The snap chat thing is NOT low level bullying at all! That needs to be investigated!
In my DS1's year was a girl who was a target for bullies to be fair she was extremely irritating but that doesn't excuse it. She was subjexted to low level bullying by probably about 70-80% of kids (not my DC) she came across and the school sorted it.They had her list every single pupil who had been unkind, pulled them into the head's office a group at a time and bawled them out.Told them they had instructed the girl if one more word about this, or any other unkindness was said to her she must come straight to the office and the offenders would be excluded. I am not sure if they actually could have given them an exclusion for it but it certainly did the trick.
So I don't think 'nothing can be done' you just need a strong SLT

[Iamthedogsmother]

My DS is in year 7 and has ASD. Secondary school has been a massive deal for him. At the start of the year some other kids were trying to get him to race them, they filmed him/photographed him trying to make him look stupid and posted it online. I was horrified and I reported it to school immediately. To be fair, school dealt with, confiscated the phones etc and dealt with it as a bullying issue. It's fine now, DS doesn't like these kids but he's made other friends and is doing well now (long may it continue).

Kids can be so mean. You need to speak to school and get this sorted. They need to sort this, it's not on. My DS has told his peers he has ASD. He used it as an opportunity to explain his behaviour and as an ice breaker. It has helped. He kept it under wraps at his first primary school and he was held up for ridicule and isolated. I don't know how you or your DD would feel about this but it's helped my DS.

[Ohyesiam]

Just wanted to respond to your " but what can the school do about it " comment.
You need to run it past them, or there is no chance of it being resolved. If you have enough faith in the school to send your dd there, you need to see of you can put any faith in their pastoral care. Her tutor or house head would be first port of call, if they do there job properly, they will be able to use assemblies and tutor time to focus on anti bullying stuff, and outline consequences, and raise the zero tolerance bat. That will work on those who are " Just joining in" with the victimisation, the more hard core perpetrators will come to light with added staff awareness. All this depends on the house head/ tutor being good at their job. If they are not, you will need to take it to senior management. And keep at it until you ate really being heard. Log all meetings, and evidence that your daughter has ( screen shots of the social media stuff, the school will take that very seriously).
Sorry you and dd are going through this

[Brighteyes27]

Really sorry for you and your DD. Kids can be so cruel especially girls of this age.

Definitely speak to the school ASAP whether you are in the middle of your dissertation or not. This will gradually start to affect your daughters confidence happiness and self esteem if left to go on unchecked for too long.
Don't beat yourself up about it home schooling it isn't for everyone but if you are insistent and school are on the ball then things will be better for you and your DD and you will be better able to concentrate on your dissertation without this also weighing heavily on you both.
My DD is in year 7 without a diagnosis and some girls are behaving badly towards her I am keeping a close eye on things.

[QueenInsomnia]

Breaks my heart reading that
She sounds very thick skinned, but I'm sure it really is awful for her to encounter the bullying everyday.
Home school defiantly sounds the way forward, and there's no reason why she can't still see the teacher she likes. Could she/he do some private tutoring now and then? If not maybe getting a tutor even for a few hours, a few days a week would be good for her. I'm sure she could even built a great relationship with the tutor, and not feel so deflated about the change. Considering you are also busy with your studies, it might play out well. Good luck to you both x

[OopsDearyMe]

She needs more confidence building and self esteem work to enable her to brush of the less worrying stuff, first thing about the boys teasing... I would talk to her about writing a journal, or use social stories to help her understand why people behave the way they do.

And yes, get the school involved , they need to know about all of this.

This is going to sound strange, but are you more upset than she is? I ask this because I had this with my dd, she was mildly bothered by some comments made and because I am a bit over protective of her. I got really cross and someone asked me that question, it was only then I realised I was upset because I was putting myself in her shoes, but actually that was wrong, and I needed to listen to her about what upset her about it and why?

Its not the time to start home education, I'm doing this now with my dd who is 11 , but its temporary as I cannot begin to try and deal with secondary level work.

Good luck though xxx

[WildBelle]

Thanks for the replies. It upsets me because I remember stuff like this from when I was at school - they'd single out weaker kids to pick on and I remember how horrible other kids could be. Dd said tonight that she cries every day. I had no idea. I don't want to send her back....thing is now she has the reputation of being the 'freak' and she's not going to shake that off.

Had a long chat with her dad and he thinks I should home educate. It's all just happening at such a bad time, I've been studying for 4 years and if my dissertation is good I will get a first, if it's not I'll get a 2.1. A lot hinges on me being focussed and being able to work hard for the next few weeks.

[WildBelle]

And yes confidence building is the most important thing - I want to spend lots of time with her doing fun things and nurturing her, that's what she needs. But time is the one thing I don't have until the middle of May. Well, that and money 😂

[WildBelle]

She's not thick skinned, she has just learnt to accept it because she doesn't think she has a choice. She's very sensitive.

[blankmind]

Don't send her back.
I appreciate you have a lot to do to complete your dissertation, but surely you can work around her being at home.

She needs lots of downtime for a good few weeks to get rid of all the nastiness that she's experienced and to allow her anxiety levels to drop so that she'll be receptive enough to enjoy learning again.

In your shoes, I'd also keep an eye on any social media she has, just in case the bullies try anything nasty simply because she's not at school any more, but she's still open to being contacted by them.

Good Luck

[BillSykesDog]

She sound very mature. What does she think? Does she want to go for home edding? Is there any third way like taking her out of school during lunches? It would also seem a shame to lose the friends she has.

[WildBelle]

She is very mature - she's incredibly switched on and can see it all for what it is. But it's obviously still hurtful to be on the receiving end of stuff like this. She's quite up for the idea of home edding, her 2 friends haven't been such good friends to her anyway lately so I think she's more upset about not seeing the teacher that she's close to than missing her friends. Of course she can still see her friends if she wants...but I get the feeling one of them was only using her because she got a lift to school with us, and the other friend lives in the next town so she didn't see much of her out of school.

[EasyBoySleazyJet]

Needs I don't know that it isn't low level compared to other things but the OP hasn't listed any other things to make a comparison with and even if there was it wouldn't make the incidents she's described any less important or serious. She's now said she won't have time to do much with her for a few months because of a dissertation but what comes first? I don't expect anyone to agree with me I just said what I see

[WildBelle]

Easy - I've spent 4 years of my life and nearly £50k on getting a degree in order to be able to support my kids - I'm hardly likely to jack it in with 2 months left. Dd obviously comes first but whatever happens from here on in will have to happen around me finishing my degree. Her dad can have her some of the time if needed.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Why not remove her from the school and let her have some down time whilst you finish your dissertation then look at Interhigh. Ds is doing 10 GCSEs with them. They also do A levels.

Is she saying she doesn't want to leave because she doesn't want to put you out knowing how much you have to do with your dissertation

[WildBelle]

Thanks I'll look at interhigh. She does want to leave, I think she's just worried because it's a change and she doesn't cope well with them.

[TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom]

Take her out and give her time to decompress. She wont need you supervising her work initially. She'll need to 'deschool' (don't confuse the term with un-school which is a long term educational philosophy). All she needs is a library card for the next few months.

None of mine have been to school, and the home ed community has been compassionate and inclusive everywhere we've been. It simply isn't tolerated to bully like that when you're in a mixed age group and family groups. It self regulates. My children are not ASD but many of their friends are. They simply adjust their interactions so that everyone's comfortable. She doesn't have to accept that difference is always treated with contempt.

I'm so glad for your girl that you've told her she doesn't have to go back. She might have a wobble (you've said she doesn't like change), but the damage that environment can do isn't to be underestimated.

[EmeraldScorn]

I wouldn't put any child through the ordeal of being bullied/excluded whether it was "low level" or not but personally I don't think making a video for Snapchat with a horrible tagline is "low level".

Her mental health should be the priority and if the environment is making her upset I'd remove her, to be honest I'm surprised that you seem to be playing it down a bit.

My niece has had some issues with a group of girls being very nasty towards her, abusive messages on Facebook etc and it culminated in one physically attacking her outside of the school with the rest cheering the little witch on - My sister removed her from the school and she is studying from home for the time being.

Honestly it took an awful lot of restraint on my part not to "collar" these girls myself (I was/am furious), so you as the parent surely must be livid and you'll do what needs to be done to protect your daughter - Remove her immediately is my advice!

[mathanxiety]

Do you have any resource to help her cope with change?

[Geekmama]

Contact the SENCO/ safeguarding lead and ask for a meeting and explain your concerns. Children using their phones in school is a safeguarding issue. The school Should take that very seriously and your poor DD being bullied, is also very serious. The school should be doing something about it. I really hope you get this sorted out OP big hugs x