How do I get the power back?

[MadJeffBarn]

Not really an aibu but posting for traffic as I'm utterly at my wits end.
My 5 year old rules the roost. Its taken s long time to admit it and im ashamed. She doesn't listen to me, at all. I ask her to tidy and she just says 'no'. That's it. She's mean to her brother, she's mean to us. She has an absolutely stinking attitude. But I don't know how to claw back the power. It's easy to say 'you're the grown up she's the child' but whatever measures I put in place doesn't affect her. Time outs, throwing her stuff away, groundings, punishments, bribery, sticker charts... Nothing. My mil is a social support worker and she tells me to pick my battles which is good advice, except she let's her get away with everything and to be honest, working full time with two young kids, I don't have time to be diplomatic on every battle we have. Today I just sat on the sofa and watched while she threw baby wipes everywhere, ripped up tissue and harassed her brother because I'm so tired and sick of fighting, fighting the will to just walk out and lock the door behind me. It's her deadpan face whenever I try, it winds me up no end!

[greenthings]

I think the behaviour sounds a bit odd, OP. It may not just be you being an over-relaxed parent. Surely, she must have a sweeter side too, or is it really 100% defiance and hostility?

I am struggling with a teenager at the moment (borderline ADHD) and everything feels like , at home, from the school (though not diagnosed so neither my son nor me have any real defence to his behaviour) so I can imagine how you feel .

[greenthings]

Time outs, throwing her stuff away, groundings, punishments also sound quite draconian to me, even if you feel they are a last resort, and may make matters worse. In calmer times do you have a good relationship with your daughter? Have you thought about going to your GP about the situation?

[c3pu]

Use the naughty step for the worst of the behaviour, and a reward chart to improve one particular.area of behaviour.

And stick at it, even when it seems like it's not working!

[skerrywind]

You need to focus on positive parenting..
whatever measures I put in place doesn't affect her. Time outs, throwing her stuff away, groundings, punishments, bribery, sticker charts... Nothing.

Giving attention and praise when she does things right are 10 times more effective than trying to constantly punish.

Often kids who are playing nicely or behaving well are overlooked, feedback only comes from a parent when things go badly.

I have never punished, I don't think it is often very effective.