To Ditch a Friend Who Always Puts Men First?

[CheeseonTwats]

It's been the same since we were in school. She'd be very intense, wanting to do something everyday, calling every morning and plannings trips for every holiday. Then she'd meet a bloke and within a week she'd be madly in love with him and not have a day free to see friends. Any communication from her would be about him, asking what to wear on dates or to decipher his texts, that sort of thing.

We're now in our 30s, she's been through a divorce and I was there for her every day. I have my own family and job but was happy to spend regular evenings and weekends doing things to distract her and we planned a couple of trips.

Then she started dating again and has had several short relationships all of which she reverted to her usual MO in. I wouldn't see her for weeks and only hear from her if the bloke was the topic of conversation. Then the relationship would end and she'd be back again.

I found her openness to fall in love quite endearing when we were younger but now, I'm just feeling a bit used. When she's not in a relationship, we only do things she's interested in doing and she doesn't want to do what I enjoy but will then do those things with the next bloke. For example, I suggested a trip to Rome for one of our trips as I really wanted to go, she said she'd never want to go there so we went to her choice of destination instead. Fast forward a few months and she's off to Rome with her new man.

AIBU to distance myself from her?

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

You could return her behaviour
"Sorry, working on a relationship, you know how it is, will be back in touch if it doesn't work out"

[CheeseonTwats]

"Sorry, working on a relationship, you know how it is, will be back in touch if it doesn't work out"

I would love to have the sass to pull this off!

[JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu]

Ditch her for sure.

[ScruffbagsRUs]

"Sorry, working on a relationship, you know how it is, will be back in touch if it doesn't work out"

What exactly have you got to lose now, by saying this? You don't want to be used. So don't allow yourself to be used. If she can't take having to face the behaviour she dished out to you over the course of your friendship, then she isn't much of a friend really.

Any decent friend would be shocked/mortified about this kind of carry-on toward another friend, and would do what it takes to ensure that it doesn't happen again. If she decides to throw a shit fit over you treating her like she treated you, then that will tell you all you need to know, and you can tell her to rack off and never darken you door again.

[toomuchtimereadingthreads2016]

I have exactly the same problem with a childhood best friend. Distant cousin in fact. We have grown up together, cried together laughed together, been godmother to eachothers children.

Around the time my DD was born she split with the father of her children (we're both V young) and since then she has been the crappiest friend in the world. Can go months without hearing from her when she is with a bloke, but am expected to be there to pick up the pieces when it falls apart. She has barely acknowledged her god daughter, not a single birthday card, present, christmas, not even a phone call or a skype. she has seen her once. didn't come to her Christening, and now she is almost three.

That was a deal breaker for me. Noone who can't be arsed with my child and my friendship is worth my attention. I never message her now. If (more predictably, when) she has yet another break up and messages me I send back a minimal, non expletive reply. She is always fishing for me to ask what happened etc. I dont bite, at most I say "you know where I am if you want to phone for a chat". She never does. And then I won't hear again until a few months later when she has got back together and broken up yet again with someone new. She has recently made her children homeless over this and is messing up not only her, but their lives. I keep in touch with the children through a family member who they live with part time.

Have struggled with feeling like I should be more supportive, but have come to realise she doesn't value me as a true friend and I'm better off out of it. Hugs x

[CruCru]

Out of nosiness, does she have many other friends? I'm guessing not, as (when she's single) she wants to see you every day. That's exhausting.

It may be that her other friends have already had enough.

I used to have a friend like this. She was great when it was just us but whenever she was near a man, she would turn into a flaccid attachment. We sort of lost touch and then when she resurfaced, I didn't really have time or room for her in my life any more.

[Alice212]

Id tell her you are ending the friendship and tell her why
You can have room in your life for a real friend, not a user.

[FuzzyFalafelz]

Be busy next time she try's it on. And be honest 'I don't want to be your fall back option any more. I feel like a yoyo being dropped and picked up constantly'

Next time she harps on about boyfriends. 'We've been discussing x bloke for 20 minutes. Let's change the subject now' (and keep repeating)

[Alice212]

How have you resisted the urge to say "excuse me....bros before hos"?

[Aeroflotgirl]

Just say no to her, keep being busy, if she asks you what's wrong, tell her your fed up of being the fall back guy when things go wrong with her men, and feel really used. Don't consider this a good friendship.

[Iflyaway]

Why wouldn't you go to Rome by yourself

Absolutely!

I'm coming up to my 62nd birthday and have solo travelling down to a fine art

These kind of flaky friends will never be there when you need them. It's all ME ME ME.

Prune the dead wood out of your life, love.

You sound - like I was conditioned to be a people pleaser. But it just attracts users really. Time to start building up your boundaries.
And you know what? People who start protesting when you do are not worth your time. They are pissed off that you moved the goal posts. Well, good for you! You are worth so much more.

You sound like a kind-hearted person. Please don't give your energy away to undeserving people. Even if you've known them forever.

Your friend is in a pattern too. Can't bear her own company so she latches on to every man who comes along. Why would you want to be part of her self-imposed drama?

[Hedgehogparty]

Shes not a friend, just a user. You're there for when she has nothing better to do.
I got wise to this when years ago I met someone at my ds's nursery.
She was always keen to meet up, forever suggesting stuff to do. Her relationship had broken up and she had 2 ds.
I remember I thought it a bit odd that she had few friends. It felt like she was forever phoning me for advice, inviting me over, asking when I was free. She was a fun friend.
Basically and briefly,she met someone and quickly sold her house to move in with him. Completely stopped contacting me and when she did, was never reliable in meet ups. No contact at all now.
Some women don't have any use for women friends once they are in relationships.

[CheeseonTwats]

You're all right, she's not a friend.

She doesn't have other friends but every so often she will meet one who is usually the sister of new man/partner of new man's friend. It will be very intense with lots of Facebook posts about being 'sisters' and always there for each other, then things go sour with the bloke and she never sees the friend again. I've never really thought about that before.

I think it's starting to become more acceptable to me to flake on others now too which is obviously a dangerous path. I could really do with surrounding myself with some good friends to get my balance and perspective back.

Thank you all for your advice. Im embarrassed to have let it go on this long so will be taking a huge step back and hoping things fizzle out without any drama.