To want my mum to understand that it's supposed to be a simple wedding?

[TypicallyEnglishMustard]

Our wedding is five weeks today. DFiance and I have planned and are paying for it ourselves. It's supposed to be "simple" in terms of arrangements, not in size (I have a very big extended family), e.g. No photographer (I can't bear hanging around for photos, and I definitely don't want to at my own wedding!), no cash bar (we've just bought loads of wine and beer and stuff to give to our guests), bridesmaids can wear whatever dress they choose, so won't be matching (they are all grown women and very different in appearance, so I'd rather they have something they ALL feel good in. I am, of course, paying for them, though), wood-fired pizzas for the dinner, reception is in a converted barn, no "theme colours", I'm doing my own hair and make-up, we are just going in the family car to the church, etc.

Essentially, we just want it to be a relaxed and fun day, with minimal fuss and faff. The money has largely been spent on food, drink and a venue which will be comfortable for guests (the barn has accommodation for 24 guests included in the price, so the few people who are coming from further afield will have somewhere to stay for free).

But my mum keeps getting herself involved in the planning. For reference, this is not through being a deliberate PITA, or because she craves control, or anything like that. My mum and I are extremely close, and she is absolutely lovely. My whole family, in fact, are very close: we all live in the same village, most of us live on the same street, etc. But I think she has a very specific idea for what her daughter's wedding should be, and she keeps "offering" to "improve" on our plans, by trying to arrange things which are bigger, better and more expensive than what we have planned.

I recognise that these are first world problems, and I'm very lucky to have a mum who cares, but I'm absolutely fed up with trying to fight my corner with my own plans, and stopping her from ordering last-minute expensive wedding cars, photographers, make-up artists and so on. Even a hog roast had to be cancelled the other day! (We've already paid for 80 large pizzas, with sides, and canapés, and pasties for the evening! There are only 80 guests to eat it all without a whole pig, too!) Things like photographers and make-up artists in particular make me feel very uncomfortable, as I hate anybody fussing around me, which I assume is what that involves.

After meeting mum for a cup of tea this afternoon, I have come away feeling more drained than I did finishing a 60 hour work week last night. At this point, I'm not looking forward to it at all, and I just want the whole thing over with, which isn't like me, as I did always want a proper wedding, not an elopement or anything. I think mum thinks we can't afford the things she wants, so she wants to pay for it for us. But it isn't that at all, she knows we both earn good money, we just don't want to spend it on things we feel we don't need.

AIBU to just want to keep it to my own (relatively) simple plans, and how on earth do I tell her to just leave it alone without hurting her feelings? Sorry for writing such an essay, think I just needed to vent as well.

[Barbadosgirl]

Please can I come?!

[TypicallyEnglishMustard]

Sorry for late reply, been out for dinner with MIL and SIL to be, who ironically (for mumsnet at least!) are the most chilled people in the world. Especially when it comes to weddings!

Thank you again to those who are suggesting a photographer. I heed all of your advice, but I'm afraid we won't be having a professional photographer at all. It would just be a waste of money designed to make the pair of us feel uncomfortable. There will be lots of photos, I'm sure, since everyone has a decent camera phone these days, and I'm not precious about social media at all, and my family are far from shy about whipping out their cameras. And if I have to pose for a minute, I'd rather it be for my cousin's mobile than an endless stream of contrived "moments". I'm also just not the sort of person who looks back through photos, or has canvases made of them, or even displays them generally (I've a couple of photos in my house, that's it), so I'm sure I, personally, won't miss the presence of a professional.

Thank you for the suggestions about photo booths also, but, similarly, I really just don't like them, so we won't be having one of those either.

I like the suggestions about having my mum distracted by arranging flowers and entertainment for the children! We're having lots of small people in attendance, and I have already bought a load of games for them, so mum can arrange those into a basket or something. She's also mentioned buying space hoppers, so I'll let her do that... should make for a right laugh in the evening as well, I guess! And I've told her that she has free reign to do whatever she wants with flowers, since I have little knowledge or interest there!

[haveacupoftea]

Good for you OP. I can't stand overly formal, identikit weddings.

[littlefrog3]

Much more likely to regret NOT having a photographer, than you are to regret having one.

Just seems utterly bizarre to me to not have photos of your wedding day.

No matter how much the OP hates having pics taken, or finds it 'mainstream' etc, you can never get that day back. Just tell the photographer to not ask anyone to pose, and not even let anyone know when he is taking pics........ Tell him to just wander about and take dozens of pics. No need to even get them printed (yet,) just keep them on disc/memory card/the laptop.

But to have a wedding without photos being taken.

Just does not compute.

[QueenOfTheCatBastards]

She. Does. Not. Want. One.


You might live for the reliving of the past/vaninty. She doesn't.

[faithinthesound]

How many of these people trying to shove a photographer down OP's throat are the DM and various sock puppets, do you think?

I understand if you haven't rtft (I'm often guilty of it myself) but ffs she outlined in the OP that she does not want a photographer. Every single person who has suggested she have one anyway, is in effect telling her no, she shouldn't have what she wants, she should have what her DM wants instead. What a handful of strangers on the internet want instead. Remind me again, whose special day is this? And what right you all have to tell her, a grown woman, that she doesn't know her own mind, wants, and needs, and should do what you would have done instead of what she wants to do?

OP, don't kowtow to this ridiculous emotional blackmail of "remembering your special daaaaaay". You're marrying your fiancé, who you presumably love very much. Why shouldn't waking up next to him be reminder enough of their day? Going to sleep beside him?

If/when I get married, I plan on having no children under eighteen at the party. Period. I predict this will come under a lot of criticism and disappointment, but I don't give a flying fig. It will be my day, and damnit, I will have what I want. You deserve the same.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Is 'you will regret not having a photographer' the new 'stop the cheque'?

[LellyMcKelly]

I wouldn't bother with a photographer either. There'll be thousands of photos. If you wanted you could get your mum involved in setting up a closed Facebook group for the wedding so people could post their photos.

[LadyOfTheCanyon]

My comment is just going to out me as a fat pig, but ain't no way 80 pizzas are staying hot when they are cooked max 5 at a time. Is the point to have cold pizza?

[KeepCalm]

queenofthecatbaatards nothing to do with vanity. I rarely look at my wedding pics.

My children who weren't there do & I've never regretted having them done because THEY like them. The like getting to see photos of their grandparents relaxed & enjoying themselves in a natural pose cosied up on a couch laughing.

It's one of their favourite photos to remember their now sadly deceased Granny & Papa by.

Photographers have moved on from the 'stand still, one two three Smile at the camera' days and are very capable of taking non intrusive shots without interfering. Why wouldn't you want to remember such an occasion if it can be done that way is a fair enough suggestion. Which the op has politely chosen against.

But that's just my reason and it was just a suggestion and I was married in the days before every phone having a camera and FB etc so thankfully none of my special day is splattered all over social media, which I personally would find more distasteful & intrusive.

We had kids in attendance, no wedding car, very little spent on a dress/flowers etc as priority was the CEREMONY not the wedding and consideration above all was given to that plus our child/mortgage ANS we paid for it all ourselves too. Go figure.

Each to their own op and hoping you have a truly lovely day

[darceybussell]

I had a very small fuss-free wedding, which my DM was actually completely on board with. However, by the end it occurred to me that weddings aren't really for you, they're for your mum! She was the one who was the most excited of anyone, she wanted to get involved in planning even though there was very little to plan, she loved the whole experience and to be honest she probably had a better time than I did!

I know that's not helpful at all, and it doesn't give you any helpful tips for dealing with her ordering stuff you don't want! But once I realised this it did make me feel a lot less stressed about my mum sticking her nose in!

[Derlei]

I agree that it's the OP should be respected for her photographer decision.

But

If you are going to rely on your guests taking photos, maybe ask a few of your closest friends to take photos of the sorts of things that you might want to show your kids one day, such as what the venue looked like, or the cake, or other things that will help you remember little details about the day - otherwise you're just going to get a whole load of drunk selfies and uncle bob doing a silly dance move

[RoganJosh]

I think with the photographer issue, the OP is saying she doesn't want to pose and lots of people are suggesting a reportage style photographer and no posed shots. I think people are worried she hasn't realised you could have a photographer with no posing.

[Voice0fReason]

The OP has made it perfectly clear that she knows what it is like to have a professional photographer, regardless of whether it is posed style or not. Too many posters are just not listening and projecting how THEY feel about having photos.
I completely get the aversion to having one.

[Coastalcommand]

YANBU. But, and sorry if this sounds like your mum, but in the future you might really like to have some pictures to look back on it all from. I know exactly what you mean about the posed photographs, we didn't want those either. But we did hire a documentary/reportage photographer who was very discreet and quietly snapped away for a couple of hours. The pictures are amazing and I really treasure them. Wedding pictures don't have to be that horrible formal style and if the photographer just sends the pictures to you you can see if there are some that you like in there. It's the one thing I'm so grateful we did on the day.

[ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander]

The OP says she knows/has lived with lots of very keen photographers and bloggers so I think the chances of her ending up with not enough decent photos to remember the day by are nil.

[faithinthesound]

And despite more messages assuring people she knows what she's doing, people continue to treat her like she's a moron who can't possibly know her own mind. Everyone doing this is just as bad as her mother, even if you disclaim "sorry I'm sounding like your mother", even if you disclaim "sorry to mention this, but"

She doesn't want a photographer.

If you would want/did want a photographer at your wedding, then more power to you, you go, you do you! But OP has repeatedly stated she does not want one. At this point, you are not offering devil's advocatey advice. You are being rude and essentially implying that the OP is too stupid or shortsighted to know her her own mind.

Please stop doing this for the love of crimeny. She already has a mother who sounds like, although she's well meaning, isn't respecting her wishes, she doesn't need a pack of strangers on the internet piling on her!

[Whocansay]

I was like you OP, I didn't want the massive formal wedding either. It's not me. I didn't have a photographer as I too hate artificial posed for nonsense that takes half the day.

I have lots of lovely pictures taken by my friends and have never even remotely regretted the decision not to spend a whole load of cash on unnecessary tat.

My mum was a bit of a pita, but in a different way. She wanted me to invite relatives I had never met. I just kept saying no on repeat. 'Sorry mum, but we've discussed this' was a line I used a lot for a while. She got over it. Good luck.

[Redglitter]

The OP hasn't said she doesn't want photos she just doesn't want a photographer. Big difference. Therell be plenty photos of the big day taken by guests. A friend of mine did this had no photographer and then asked if anyone was posting photos on fb etc to be sure and tag them in it. Guests also sent them photos they'd taken via email or drop box. They ended up with some gorgeous photos and have several printed and framed. They've never regretted not having a professional

[Flisspaps]

FOR FUCK'S SAKE

OP DOESN'T WANT A FUCKING PHOTOGRAPHER!

[Voice0fReason]

Do not rely on friends to get any good ones! They are not experts
But some of them are!
And it's just so patronising. I've got great holiday photos and never taken a photographer away with me
You don't have to be an "expert" to take good photos.

[Notso]

Don't have a photographer if you don't want one. I got railroaded into a much bigger wedding than I wanted including a photographer though we limited things to 10 posed pictures just natural shots after that and only got a CD from him. I looked at the CD once gave it to PIL and my parents to print out pics they wanted and it's stayed in the case since then, it's 10 years since we got married. It's not that the pictures aren't good quality they are great. We got loads of pictures from other people though.

[Kahlua4me]

We did not have a photographer for our wedding and have no regrets at all. Had lots of photos from friends and relatives which I duly collated into an album.

That album now gathers dust as I have probably only looked at it 2-3 times in 12 years!

[Littleballerina]

My mum is completely uninterested in our wedding. We need to stick your mum and mine in a blender to see what comes out.
Your wedding plans sound lovely!