To want my mum to understand that it's supposed to be a simple wedding?

[TypicallyEnglishMustard]

Our wedding is five weeks today. DFiance and I have planned and are paying for it ourselves. It's supposed to be "simple" in terms of arrangements, not in size (I have a very big extended family), e.g. No photographer (I can't bear hanging around for photos, and I definitely don't want to at my own wedding!), no cash bar (we've just bought loads of wine and beer and stuff to give to our guests), bridesmaids can wear whatever dress they choose, so won't be matching (they are all grown women and very different in appearance, so I'd rather they have something they ALL feel good in. I am, of course, paying for them, though), wood-fired pizzas for the dinner, reception is in a converted barn, no "theme colours", I'm doing my own hair and make-up, we are just going in the family car to the church, etc.

Essentially, we just want it to be a relaxed and fun day, with minimal fuss and faff. The money has largely been spent on food, drink and a venue which will be comfortable for guests (the barn has accommodation for 24 guests included in the price, so the few people who are coming from further afield will have somewhere to stay for free).

But my mum keeps getting herself involved in the planning. For reference, this is not through being a deliberate PITA, or because she craves control, or anything like that. My mum and I are extremely close, and she is absolutely lovely. My whole family, in fact, are very close: we all live in the same village, most of us live on the same street, etc. But I think she has a very specific idea for what her daughter's wedding should be, and she keeps "offering" to "improve" on our plans, by trying to arrange things which are bigger, better and more expensive than what we have planned.

I recognise that these are first world problems, and I'm very lucky to have a mum who cares, but I'm absolutely fed up with trying to fight my corner with my own plans, and stopping her from ordering last-minute expensive wedding cars, photographers, make-up artists and so on. Even a hog roast had to be cancelled the other day! (We've already paid for 80 large pizzas, with sides, and canapés, and pasties for the evening! There are only 80 guests to eat it all without a whole pig, too!) Things like photographers and make-up artists in particular make me feel very uncomfortable, as I hate anybody fussing around me, which I assume is what that involves.

After meeting mum for a cup of tea this afternoon, I have come away feeling more drained than I did finishing a 60 hour work week last night. At this point, I'm not looking forward to it at all, and I just want the whole thing over with, which isn't like me, as I did always want a proper wedding, not an elopement or anything. I think mum thinks we can't afford the things she wants, so she wants to pay for it for us. But it isn't that at all, she knows we both earn good money, we just don't want to spend it on things we feel we don't need.

AIBU to just want to keep it to my own (relatively) simple plans, and how on earth do I tell her to just leave it alone without hurting her feelings? Sorry for writing such an essay, think I just needed to vent as well.

[TypicallyEnglishMustard]

Hello all, I've been meaning to return to this thread all week, but work has been astronomically busy, so I've just been crashing every night!

Just wanted to update that I had the chat with my mum, pointed out that it was upsetting because it made it sound like she didn't think our plans were good enough, and reiterated that mine and DF's focus for the day was to a) get married, and b) have a great time with friends and relatives, not hold the society event of the season! Mum was very apologetic, and said she sensed she had been overdoing things. She also told me that my dad had had a word with her in private (unbeknownst to me), to explain that it wasn't supposed to be a re-creation of their wedding, and that he thought what we had planned was really nice and fitted our venue well.

So, phew! All sorted, motherly histrionics now at bay, and she's focusing on getting the last of the floral arrangements sorted for me (which I have no interest in whatsoever!). Actually, her energies have come up with a great idea for a change, and she's been making extra flowers for mine and the bridesmaids' bouquets out of pages of our favourite books (we're all big readers)... all's well that ends well!

I think it was a similar situation to what GreatMop describes above: mum didn't want it to look like we were having a wedding "on the cheap", even though we can afford more. The truth is, I wanted the money for the wedding spent on booze, food and a comfy venue. But DF and I didn't want to spend into the five figures since we are saving for a house, and we are also conscious that we want to start a family quite soon after we are married.

Re: the photographer! Again, I am grateful to the advice everyone has given here, and there have been some very practical ideas, so thank you for those! No, we aren't booking a photographer, not even reportage. Like Trinity a little way up this thread, we just aren't "photo" people. We don't display them, I don't have albums or look through photos, and I personally don't like things like canvas prints/photo-based souvenirs. My family and friends are big snappers with their camera phones, and always post family events to social media, which I don't mind in the slightest. So long as we've a couple of nice photos outside the church/at the reception, then I'm happy. I'm sure people got married before the existence of photographers!

[faithinthesound]

Yes, I/she can. Her question wasn't "gee, should I have a photographer, because I'm really sitting on the fence here". Her question was "how can I get my mother to back off a little and respect that I don't want a photographer?"

She asked for advice about her MOTHER. People are ignoring that and cramming PHOTOGRAPHERS down her throat despite her clearly stated wishes not to have one.

[thecapitalsunited]

You can't just demand people stop banging on about the photography. This isn't a forum where only the first few people to reply get to have a say. People are sharing their experiences and explaining why the found certain things important.

I had a smal wedding which cause lots of fuss with my inlaws. Only ten guests, registry office, dress was from the high street and a small cake from a supermarket. I did have photography for a few hours because as a family we hadn't had any group shots taken for a while and I wanted some. My grandmother died about a year later and the last nice pictures of her were taken at my wedding. So I'm glad I had them done.

I'm also glad I had the cheap dress and did my own make up and just had 10 guests because I didn't want to be fussed over. My folks still sometimes ask me if I regret it (they didn't question anything before the wedding) but I'm glad I did it my way and I'm sure you'll be too.

[faithinthesound]

Oh lordy, now you're not just getting people ramming photographers down your throat, you're getting apparently illiterate photographers cramming their two cents down your throat. You must be fit to puke around now.

(I say "illiterate" because I've lost count of how many times OP has stated she DOES NOT WANT A PHOTOGRAPHER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES but you still came and stuck your oar in anyway. Ah well. Stupid is as stupid does.)

[Mummyrowland]

Oh and get any dj to remind the guests it's there or state this in then speeches etc. Or have signs up reminding them.

We did tho and ended up with 1000's of great images.

We actually had a projector too so the evening guests could see the day images but that's up to you.

[Mummyrowland]

RecWotton = reception!

[Mummyrowland]

Hiya
I am a photographer and do weddings as a side (mainly do event photogrohy)

My advice I'll be honest is to get a photographer ' my husbands cousin got married and she got a friend to do the shots and she hates them! BUT if you defiantly don't want a photographer there are a couple of bits of advice I can give

1 ( if you have a train on your dress and do pose for a few shots ' get a bridesmaid or helper to be responsible for straightenING any train or veil or detail that is tucked up its just worth it for that lovely image. My cousins friend didn't do this except when I jumped in and they have said the only images any good are the ones i helped with

2 ) have a laptop in the corner of the recWotton with an sd card reader - that way any images can be downloaded there and them and you get them all rather than relying on them sending you them which never happens! You could consider a few download cables for phones too - the more common ones so you have those able to be downloaded too.

Just a thought!

[5amisnotmorning]

On the photographer front, I felt the same about posed pictures. We had two photographers who categorically did not do staged photos. They felt like they were part of the wedding guests in the end and have subsequently done 2 other friends where we bump into each other and chat!

I love love their pictures but it is about bringing back the memories for me, not how any of us looked on the day. Capturing moments of pure happiness and love and excitement that bring it all flooding back. Even nowI look through them and it brings tears to my eyes. My DD and DS also love them. You can get the same if lots of friends take pictures and you have copies. Also capturing some of the moments you miss that are happening with other people. In your situation I would ask a couple of friends to make sure they are around when you have your dress on and when you are putting rings on and set up a group where everyone can save their pictures to.

[Dixiechickonhols]

Stick to your guns, thank her but say no need and all the extra fuss is spoiling things for you. We had no photographer and no regrets (together 24 yrs married 15) I wore a monsoon sale top £10! and skirt in ivory - no regrets. I have one photo in a frame in the house. We had a nice day but it was just that one day in our life together. No hen do, official cars, had diy invites, Bridesmaid chose her dress, reception at home, homemade cake. ive never once thought we should have done differently.

[GreatMop]

My brother had a very simple wedding last year that wasn't a million miles from your lovely-sounding arrangements, OP, and my mother (who is generally lovely, timid, non-interfering etc) got increasingly weird about the relaxed, low-key plans as the day approached.

When I tackled her about it, it turned out that she was 'afraid it looked mean' not to have the trad giant white cake, photographer, white frock, matching bridesmaids, three course meal and hotel reception. She's never been good at understanding that her children aren't in fact her, and from her POV, DB was allowing it to look as though he and his partner couldn't afford a grander wedding, and she was embarrassed about what the extended family would think, because she's of the generation and mindset where the wedding was very much the parents' affair.

After much talking to, she did eventually calm down about the lack of a hotel, formal speeches, etc etc.

[trinity0097]

We didn't have an official photographer, my god mum did the photos and we spent about 10min taking photos during the reception. They have not been looked at since! We are not 'photo' people and don't display photos in our house, take selfies etc...

Looking back I wouldn't have even bothered with my God mum doing photos, but she wanted to as her gift to us.

[Nydj]

OP, your wedding plans sound lovely and I have to say, you are being very gracious to all the posters still encouraging you to get a professional photographer

[Littleballerina]

My mum is completely uninterested in our wedding. We need to stick your mum and mine in a blender to see what comes out.
Your wedding plans sound lovely!

[Kahlua4me]

We did not have a photographer for our wedding and have no regrets at all. Had lots of photos from friends and relatives which I duly collated into an album.

That album now gathers dust as I have probably only looked at it 2-3 times in 12 years!

[Notso]

Don't have a photographer if you don't want one. I got railroaded into a much bigger wedding than I wanted including a photographer though we limited things to 10 posed pictures just natural shots after that and only got a CD from him. I looked at the CD once gave it to PIL and my parents to print out pics they wanted and it's stayed in the case since then, it's 10 years since we got married. It's not that the pictures aren't good quality they are great. We got loads of pictures from other people though.

[Voice0fReason]

Do not rely on friends to get any good ones! They are not experts
But some of them are!
And it's just so patronising. I've got great holiday photos and never taken a photographer away with me
You don't have to be an "expert" to take good photos.

[Flisspaps]

FOR FUCK'S SAKE

OP DOESN'T WANT A FUCKING PHOTOGRAPHER!

[Redglitter]

The OP hasn't said she doesn't want photos she just doesn't want a photographer. Big difference. Therell be plenty photos of the big day taken by guests. A friend of mine did this had no photographer and then asked if anyone was posting photos on fb etc to be sure and tag them in it. Guests also sent them photos they'd taken via email or drop box. They ended up with some gorgeous photos and have several printed and framed. They've never regretted not having a professional

[Whocansay]

I was like you OP, I didn't want the massive formal wedding either. It's not me. I didn't have a photographer as I too hate artificial posed for nonsense that takes half the day.

I have lots of lovely pictures taken by my friends and have never even remotely regretted the decision not to spend a whole load of cash on unnecessary tat.

My mum was a bit of a pita, but in a different way. She wanted me to invite relatives I had never met. I just kept saying no on repeat. 'Sorry mum, but we've discussed this' was a line I used a lot for a while. She got over it. Good luck.

[faithinthesound]

And despite more messages assuring people she knows what she's doing, people continue to treat her like she's a moron who can't possibly know her own mind. Everyone doing this is just as bad as her mother, even if you disclaim "sorry I'm sounding like your mother", even if you disclaim "sorry to mention this, but"

She doesn't want a photographer.

If you would want/did want a photographer at your wedding, then more power to you, you go, you do you! But OP has repeatedly stated she does not want one. At this point, you are not offering devil's advocatey advice. You are being rude and essentially implying that the OP is too stupid or shortsighted to know her her own mind.

Please stop doing this for the love of crimeny. She already has a mother who sounds like, although she's well meaning, isn't respecting her wishes, she doesn't need a pack of strangers on the internet piling on her!

[ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander]

The OP says she knows/has lived with lots of very keen photographers and bloggers so I think the chances of her ending up with not enough decent photos to remember the day by are nil.

[Coastalcommand]

YANBU. But, and sorry if this sounds like your mum, but in the future you might really like to have some pictures to look back on it all from. I know exactly what you mean about the posed photographs, we didn't want those either. But we did hire a documentary/reportage photographer who was very discreet and quietly snapped away for a couple of hours. The pictures are amazing and I really treasure them. Wedding pictures don't have to be that horrible formal style and if the photographer just sends the pictures to you you can see if there are some that you like in there. It's the one thing I'm so grateful we did on the day.