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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

An expensive meal out

55 replies

bonkersman · 10/02/2017 21:19

I'm a bloke but I'd be interested in the opinions on here. I'll tell it from my point of view

Lets say you'd been invited (insistently) to your wife's sisters for a couple of days - said sister often inviting herself to yours for several days (3,4 or 5) with her less than delightful children, but fortunately without her charmless husband.

And lets say when they did invite themselves over your wife bent over backwards to entertain them with the sort of cooking she doesn't usually have time to do.

After an extended journey you arrive at in-laws with your wife and children only to be informed that you'll be eating out, reason unknown and by the way you're paying for your own meal. After having to pay ( a lot) for my own families "tea" when visiting relatives I don't have a great deal of time for am I allowed to feel cheesed off?

By the way this is just the tip of an iceberg but lets start here.

OP posts:
Joanna0685 · 10/02/2017 22:01

Oh tell us more.

Are you staying at each others houses when these visits occur?

MsJamieFraser · 10/02/2017 22:02

Yanbu, my sisters husband is a narrow minded thick skulled idiot, and although I love my nieces, they are brat kids

However at the same time your wife could have said NO she would not be attending the meal.

Bumblebiscuits · 10/02/2017 22:03

Yanbu. They sound pretty selfish and rude.

What's the back story?

SuperFlyHigh · 10/02/2017 22:08

Yanbu.

But tell us more it sounds juicy

Original poster
bonkersman · 10/02/2017 22:12

Thanks for the feedback, in reply to bingo I'm not really judgemental about their children and I'm sure I'll like them more as they get older. Their dad on the other hand is a piece of work. I don't want to get in details but at the moment we're only meeting at PILs.

OP posts:
Grittyshunts · 10/02/2017 22:23

YANBU

BestZebbie · 10/02/2017 22:24

On Mumsnet, isn't it usually held as the Done Thing that if you stay with people for a few days you are supposed to either buy a takeaway for everyone or else take everyone out to eat at guest expense on one night? Isn't this just that?

AnnieNeedsAMacBook · 10/02/2017 22:26

It's incredibly rude of them. You don't insist people come & stay, then tell them we are going out for dinner & you're paying for your family & especially not after you've stayed at theirs loads & had the red carpet rolled out for you. Ungrateful wretch. Tell your wife you'd really, really, rather not do this again.

Are you stuck there all weekend?

Want2bSupermum · 10/02/2017 22:27

DH and I are doing great financially and with his family we always pay if out. My MIL has previously taken advantage of DH and he dealt with that by taking her to McDonalds. She has never done it again.

With my family, none of us have any financial issues, so whoever invites out pays the meal. With my sister I am very happy to pay for the meal so I can argue that I get to pick where we are going to eat. She has a knack for picking terrible restaurants that have bland food, but to be fair they are cheap (for a reason).

bumsexatthebingo · 10/02/2017 22:29

Are you suggesting the op is being cheeky for not offering to pay BestZebbie? Wink
I don't suppose it had ever occurred to you to prepare the food when you have guests op to save your wife slaving away for hours? How does SHE feel about it? Since it's your wife that seems to go to all the trouble preparing food when they come.

tropicalfish · 10/02/2017 22:36

maybe your wife has the talent, skills and creativity to cook a great meal but they don't have the skills to match and would rather not be seen as bad cooks.
Sometimes entertaining family at home is an important way of keeping the family all bonded together and that shouldn't be looked on as a waste even if it isnt reciprocated.

Want2bSupermum · 10/02/2017 22:39

BestZebbie Is correct that normally you bring a hostess gift when you stay at anyone's home family or otherwise. However, these guys have just arrived and were taken out for a meal that they were expected to pay for. That is just rude.

I don't like my PIL that much but when they or anyone else visits us, we have a meal waiting for them when they arrive. If I don't have dinner ready I have a couple of restaurants in mind for them to pick from. The bill is ours to pay never the guests.

RB68 · 10/02/2017 22:52

I would be peed off at the assumption that going out and it being paid for by me is OK - I mean an average family eating out is £100 I don't often have that sort of spare cash.

Singingforsanity · 10/02/2017 22:57

Hmm... I think YABU actually. If relatives are kind enough to let us stay in their home for a few days I'd normally take them out for a meal or something, whether or not I like them is my problem, not theirs! So I definitely wouldn't have a problem paying for my own family's meal. Perhaps they didn't have the time to bend over backwards making you a meal, it's nice that your wife has done that, but that was her choice, surely? If wherever you were going was too expensive I'd have suggested going somewhere else.

BriantheWife · 10/02/2017 23:02

I'm a bloke but I'd be interested in the opinions on here.

read: I'm male so wouldn't normally be here but since this is about women and cooking and stuff I'll ask Mumsnet Hmm

YouHadMeAtCake · 10/02/2017 23:03

YANBU. I'd be pissed off too. What's the rest of the iceberg like?

Obsidian77 · 10/02/2017 23:13

YANBU, sounds like they are really taking the piss... but does your wife enjoy having her sister over?
Time to start an extended renovation "project" on your spare room which will unfortunately rule out visitors for a while?

RebelandaStunner · 10/02/2017 23:20

When we stay over it normally goes like this:
First night a meal is cooked/arranged by hosts for all and we arrive with chocs, wine, other foodie present.
Second night we buy a takeaway or take hosts out for a meal as a thanks for putting us up (which let's face it is a major faff no matter how much you like each other)
Similar when we host.
But all arrangements will have been discussed prior and nothing is expected.

GabsAlot · 10/02/2017 23:35

i usually buy the hosts takeaway or something but for one night not the whole duration

im an awful cook so end up buying takeaway here aswell

bunnylove99 · 11/02/2017 00:08

YANBU. I think what they did was really rude. If they didn't have the time/skills to cook for you I think they should have paid for the meal themselves or bought you a take away.

Badcat666 · 11/02/2017 00:17

YANBU at all! You are their guests and if they couldn't be arsed to cook for you then they should pay for your meal.

If you wanted to be nice when you arrived and on the last day said "thanks for cooking/ cleaning/ entertaining us, lets all go to a nice family and reasonable priced restaurant" then so be it but your hand was forced and you had no choice in where to go to eat.

And Brianthe wife oh please grow up or put it back in the deck. Strange how you read it as that and no one else has. The OP is allowed to post here, just as ppl without kids can.

Original poster
bonkersman · 11/02/2017 00:42

Thanks for all the replies, Mrs bonkers loves cooking which is lovely but also can never see the bad side in anyone and doesn't do confrontation of any sort. Hence her sister and husband got away with taking the mickey.

Since someone asked the main reasons I come here is for the batty MIL threads, Mrs bonkers having a batty (domineering bully) of a mother, so if you want some insane MIL stories I can probably oblige.

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 11/02/2017 08:33

Please do share bonkers I love a batty MIL thread, makes me appreciate mine!

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/02/2017 08:46

What would happen if you said "sorry can't afford it I'll go and grab a pizza from.the tesco express"

I'd be OK paying for my meal provided I'd known about it in advance and put money aside for it.

Springing it on you like that is really rude. I'd have made a big lunch so we could all just have some toast fir tea.

Am expensive restaurant at short notice would be Impossible fir me.

thethoughtfox · 11/02/2017 09:20

I read your wife's post! You cannot invite someone for a meal in your house i.e. one that you personally will not be paying for and then demand they go for a meal and pay for it particularly when there are several people involved so the bill could be large. You offer to prove a meal, you provide a meal or cancel.

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