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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If I've volunteered the info I want you to know if not, it is PRIVATE

27 replies

narcissisticOverload · 03/02/2017 16:43

DM thinks she has an absolute right to know EVERYTHING
Sometimes ill say "oh I'm just popping to the hairdresser/doctors/dentist"
Other times I don't say anything or if she knows I'm out I say it was just an appointment. She CANNOT cope with this and sulks.

AIBU to have told her straight that if I dont volunteer the info it's clearly private so to stop questions and trying to guess and it's awkward and intrusive ? She thinks I'm being "horrible" to her. She's nosy and I hate it

OP posts:
Katy07 · 03/02/2017 16:45

Perfectly reasonable Grin

StatisticallyChallenged · 03/02/2017 16:48

Mine's like this. Wants to know everything down to what I'm eating for dinner. Does my head in

Fallonjamie · 03/02/2017 16:49

My Mum can be like this but she's an anxious person who seems to live in perpetual fear of something happening to her 30 something year old children.

She's not nosey at all really but if I just said I had 'an appointment' and didn't say what, she'd think I had cancer or something.

Original poster
narcissisticOverload · 03/02/2017 16:49

It's the reaction ..... all I've done is try to preserve some privacy for myself yet you would think of told her I hated her and never wanted to see her again. Storming off, sulking then telling me I've upset her by doing x y z totally untrue unrelated things. Awful and it's really angering me

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 03/02/2017 16:51

Urgh, boundary issues make me back off faster than hugs.

ParadiseCity · 03/02/2017 16:53

Depends how old you are. If DD told me she was going out I'd demand to know where and why. But... she is ten.

Original poster
narcissisticOverload · 03/02/2017 16:56

Haha-no I'm not 10 I'm 35 !

OP posts:
Original poster
narcissisticOverload · 03/02/2017 16:56

It's not done out of concern it's done in a way that says "I want to know everything"

OP posts:
CeeCeeEnnEss · 03/02/2017 16:59

I'm finding this afternoon giving birth. So many people have asked me if I had stitches.

MYOB.

KickAssAngel · 03/02/2017 17:01

So, basically, she wants you to be at home all the time, unless you've told her exactly where you're going and what for?

Yep - only OK until about age 12.

I'd be tempted to mess with her. Go out at random times/place, bring home bizarre purchases and leave them lying about, just go incommunicado for a day, or even go for a weekend away without telling her.

McNursey · 03/02/2017 17:04

My mother is exactly the same. I just don't tell her what I'm up to.

She also gets pissed off if I have something new and I haven't made a point of showing it to her. I'm 54 not 14!

My favourite one is if I have new clothes on she wants to know what size it is. My standard reply is "the size that fits me".

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/02/2017 17:07

Sympathies. My dm is like this too.

"Who was that on the phone?"
"Where are you going?"
"Who was that?"
"What's this?"
"What's that on your face?"
"Why are you wearing that?"

But also

"Do you like my coat/shoes/bag?"
"I could get you a coat/shoes/bag like that too?"
"Have this coat/shoes/bag I bought that's a bit small"
"I got this free and can't be arsed to charity shop it so I'll give it to you"
"I thought you could probably use this. It's not something I would use and your dsis only likes nice things".

I just ignore her. Or tell her to mind her own business.

Original poster
narcissisticOverload · 03/02/2017 17:07

She calls each day to ask what I'm doing and what I've done if there's not enough detail it's not good enough !

OP posts:
WinnieFosterTether · 03/02/2017 17:09

I have sympathy with your mum because I'd want to know. Partly because I'm nosy, partly because if there's a sudden earthquake or flash flood, I'd want to know roughly where you were so I knew if I had to worry or not. I don't have a problem telling family/friends where I'm going.
I hate people like my DSIS who try to set up intrigue. She would say 'I have a hugely exciting appointment' but then refuse to say more. Well, don't tell me about the appointment in the first place then. It's definitely attention seeking on her part.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/02/2017 17:09

Don't answer your phone. Seriously.

SecretandLies12 · 03/02/2017 17:16

My mother - sadly no longer with us- used to say, "You are MY daughter I have a RIGHT to know what you are doing" UGH.

kaitlinktm · 03/02/2017 17:22

Mine doesn't feel she has a right to know as such - but if she does know then she can't help commenting on it - and telling other people. Information just seeps out of her.

BTW I am 61 and she is 84 - so no hope for all you youngsters! Grin

MrsBlennerhassett · 03/02/2017 17:24

YANBU shut this right down. It will incur shouting in the short term but long term youll save yourself a lot of grief. Dont tell her what you are doing everyday any more unless you want to or it naturally comes up in conversation for some reason.

Out2pasture · 03/02/2017 17:33

I'm 59 my mom 84. She too shows similar levels of being overly concerned about non issues. If I talk about food she's concerned about my weight, if I mention going out walking she's concerned about my safety. Just a bit OTT, on everything.
I call weekly, and focus on how lovely she usually is.

WipsGlitter · 03/02/2017 17:47

My colleague is like this. To be fair I tell her a lot (stressful job / bonkers director) but sometimes I just want her to mhob.

I had a few health appointments and I could tell she was gagging to know what was wrong.

ModreB · 03/02/2017 18:02

SecretandLies12 my mother says this exactly. The problem I have is that she is the biggest gossip ever known to man. I made the mistake of telling her about a possible serious medical condition that I might have but wanted to keep private until the results came back, and she told her friend, the man at the paper shop, the whole congregation of her Church and all the rest of the family as "She didn't think I meant not to tell them."

She is now very upset that I tell her nothing I don't wan't spread across 3 counties.

MyHairNeedsASnip · 03/02/2017 18:08

I had to double check your age to make sure you weren't my sister then. Mum is just the same. I'm waiting for a miscarriage at the moment and she was on the phone twice a day asking if anything had happened, if I'd been to the hospital, what did they say etc. Not out of concern for me, there was no support offered, just pure bastard nosiness. I'm afraid I had to tell her off in the end and remind her that this was my actual life and not one of her soaps.

toogoodtobetruex · 03/02/2017 18:12

My mum is exactly the same, to the point where she will say 'I drove past your house earlier, your car wasn't there, where were you?' when I'd probably just popped to the shop for milk or something.

But do try to stop it, I had a blazing row with mine last year because of it, she was actually making me stressed because I constantly felt like I had to explain everything I did to her. Also if she asks me to do something and I say I already have plans, she makes me feel guilty for going out with my friends.

Like someone else said, I've stopped being forthcoming with what I'm doing. Therefore she has to outright ask and then I just give a vague answer or change the subject. Think she is getting the idea slowly.

CaptainHammer · 03/02/2017 18:23

My mum does this, she hates to feel like she's missed out on any tiny bit of information!

Screwinthetuna · 03/02/2017 18:27

I'd actually find it strange if I told my mum or close family member/friend that I had a dr appointment and they DIDNT ask why! I would always ask close people why, it's normal to check if they're ok?
She probably wonders why you are keeping things from her.