Brothers wedding - DC not invited to day

[Itsallabitcrazyhere]

Before I start, I don't have a pre-set outcome, I just want some advice.
DB is 11 years younger, getting married in 8 weeks. Received the invite recently and when it was marked 'Itsallabit' and DH, I honestly didn't think about it and just assumed the kids would be coming (my mistake but he's my brother, we weren't specific when we invited my siblings, I just thought it was a given my DN would come with them).

Then 2 nights ago, DS2 who lives at home tells me he's been invited to a FB group inviting him to the evening do.

The DC have in the past been a real handful, and I do mean handful with trips to court, lots of official intervention and a ton of domestic abuse aimed at us. At the beginning of last year, DS1 moved out when it got too bad for him to stay and has refused to work, there's been a few low level justice issues and it's very hard to know what is the truth at any given time. DS2 turned around in Jan '16 and has become as perfect a teenager as its possible to be - interacting with family, lovely to be around, given up drugs etc.

DB says he doesn't want DS1 there as he's 'the wrong side of the tracks' and as someone who works in the legal sector he doesn't want his work colleagues making the connection and didn't invite DS2 to not make DS1 feel uncomfortable.

I'm hurt that a) he didn't have the decency to talk to me in advance - finding out via FB (no comment on sending invites by FB in the first place)
b) I feel that he's not offending DS1 who everyone has a very difficult relationship including myself and DH but choosing to offend myself and DS2
c) the message DS2 gets is that no matter what he does and he has turned his life round, that he is forever associated with bad behaviour

We've just had a fairly intense row, he brought it up in front of DS2 and despite multiple requests not to talk about it now but wait till later just ploughed on so I ended up losing my temper and poor DS2 was stuck feeling mighty uncomfortable.

Aibu and advice on where to go now much appreciated

[NarkyMcDinkyChops]

c) the message DS2 gets is that no matter what he does and he has turned his life round, that he is forever associated with bad behaviour

No, its telling him that if you improve, which he has,people may well give you a limited chance to show you can be trusted, hence the evening invite instead of none at all.

You could have turned that into a positive thing, but instead you had an intense row and pissed everyone off more. If I was your brother I think I would uninvite all of you at that point.

[JuneBuggy]

Yabu, OP. I didn't invite my BiL because of my legal sector job and his previous behaviour (all of which was over 12 months before). I wouldn't have been able to relax if he were there. It sounds like your Brother feels the same about his nephews. It's his and his partner's day, they deserve a day of not being worried about the behaviour of others. It takes a long time to forget some things and even longer to forgive some.

[Bluntness100]

I can see why he has done it to be honest. Hard to be on the receiving end as a parent, but this is about him and his wedding, not you and uour kids.

[kali110]

Sorry op, yabu. Ds2 has been invited to the night And is lucky to have been invited to that.
It's good he's changed his ways, but it's only been a year!

[Birdsgottafly]

A distant relative of mine has just gone back to Prison, for the twelve time, he started off, in a similar way to your DS, at 15. Unfortunately the family that surrounded him, forgave him and minimised his behaviour, quite quickly.

They also helped him to see himself as the wronged party, when those of us, who wanted nothing to do with drugs or criminal behaviour, outside of work, wanted him to show a real change, after at least a year.

You really aren't doing him any favours.

[MagicChicken]

I understand and sympathise with your brother's position but I think he's handled it insensitively and clumsily. He should have felt able to discuss it with you ahead of sending out the invitations.

And I feel sorry for your younger son who is being penalised for his brother's crimes and how he may have behaved in the past. He deserves a chance. Although depending on the size and type of the wedding it's possible that both young men could have been clean cut Mormon types and still only have been invited to the evening do, because of a restriction on numbers.

I think you need to have a calm, honest face to face discussion with your brother about this.

[chocolateworshipper]

I agree with magic
Whilst it is up to your DB to invite who he wants, I think he should have had a discussion with you in advance and listened to your point of view before making a decision.

[Aderyn2016]

I think your brother has been clumsy but his heart was in the right place - he was trying to treat both his nephews equally. I do see why it is unfair on ds2 though.
Make up with your brother and take ds2 to the evening do. Tell him that your dbro was trying to do the right thing and meant no offense to him personally.
A wedding is a big deal - don't wreck it for your brother by falling out.

[Darlink]

It's sad
But you all have to suck it up because the people getting married get to decide who is invited.

The invitees then either accept or reject the invitation.

[TheNaze73]

I think YABU here

[RonaldMcDonald]

I think you need to show a bit of compassion for how hard this decision will have been for your brother
I know you feel this is all about you and your kids but actually it is all about him, his wedding and career

I think you should see he has invited your younger more stable son to the evening do - which was a nice thing to do
He didn't have to invite him at all
Look at it like that. You have no right to question his decision making or choices.

Go to the wedding and enjoy it as your brother's day. Don't create lots of bad feeling

[expatinscotland]

YABU

[RonaldMcDonald]

I'm also unsure how upset a 16 yo is not to be invited to the boring part of a wedding.
I get you might want him there and might think and feel he should be there but does he really want to be there?
He has been treated better than your other son as he scored an evening invite.

You seem to be the one with the issue, which is fine, but try to get over it without lots of anger and resentment if you can. Weddings are difficult anyway. Just go along and enjoy it and let your younger son enjoy the evening part

[haveacupoftea]

He can't do right for doing wrong and tbh you are lucky you are still invited at all after kicking off about it. It is his day and his choice, and he is not BU.

[missymayhemsmum]

Go and apologise to your brother, OP, it's his wedding and his choice who he invites (though he could have handled it better).
Encourage your DS2 to go and be delightful at the evening do (eg not pissed and obnoxious) as he presumably values his uncle and aunt's good opinion of him.
Can't blame you for defending your young, but yes, YABU, sorry.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Tbh I agree with db if he's in a legal profession having your ds1 there may compromise things and it doesn't sound like they have a relationship anyway.

I agree.

Your DS2 although maybe now better, he has in the past behaved badly. There are consequences to this. There also may be awkward moments if some of your DBro other guests have been involved in the cases or recognise them.

He is after all invited to the evening.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I also think you owe your DBro an apology.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

And wedding guests don't get to negotiate with the bride and groom

[Trifleorbust]

Okay, the advice... Tell your DS he will undoubtedly be invited to more family occasions as he builds trust with the people doing the inviting, then choose to attend the evening do with him yourself.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Sorry, but YABU. It's your brother's and his fiancee's wedding (please remember, she has a say in the guest list too) and he can invite only who he wants to have there. DS1 is adult and not wanted - you accept that. DS2 is 16 and although he has turned over a new leaf, he presumably shares the history of "trips to court, lots of official intervention and a ton of domestic abuse aimed at us". He has "given up drugs" so that history includes drugs. He has been invited to the evening do, which I personally think is appropriate. His improvement is being rewarded, but frankly it's not your place to insist how big that reward should be.

Yes, your brother should have been absolutely explicit when he sent you the invite, and ensured you were clear that your sons were not included. But, by the same token, when you received an invite addressed to you and your husband only, you should have realised that they were not included, or checked with your brother. Poor communication from both of you.

And I agree with others that you owe your brother an apology. Mend those fences and move on.

[NerrSnerr]

I can completely see why they're only invited to the evening (and by the sounds of it they're lucky they're even invited then!). It's his wedding, not yours and he gets to choose who goes. You sound awful arguing about it. You should apologise to your brother.

[Ruprecthepanbasher]

My brother didn't invite my children to his wedding and he's the Godfather to one of them. When he said 'no kids' I did presume family would still be invited but no, there wasn't one child there. It didn't matter to us (I love childcare weddings!) but I have to admit I was surprised.