Brothers wedding - DC not invited to day

[Itsallabitcrazyhere]

Before I start, I don't have a pre-set outcome, I just want some advice.
DB is 11 years younger, getting married in 8 weeks. Received the invite recently and when it was marked 'Itsallabit' and DH, I honestly didn't think about it and just assumed the kids would be coming (my mistake but he's my brother, we weren't specific when we invited my siblings, I just thought it was a given my DN would come with them).

Then 2 nights ago, DS2 who lives at home tells me he's been invited to a FB group inviting him to the evening do.

The DC have in the past been a real handful, and I do mean handful with trips to court, lots of official intervention and a ton of domestic abuse aimed at us. At the beginning of last year, DS1 moved out when it got too bad for him to stay and has refused to work, there's been a few low level justice issues and it's very hard to know what is the truth at any given time. DS2 turned around in Jan '16 and has become as perfect a teenager as its possible to be - interacting with family, lovely to be around, given up drugs etc.

DB says he doesn't want DS1 there as he's 'the wrong side of the tracks' and as someone who works in the legal sector he doesn't want his work colleagues making the connection and didn't invite DS2 to not make DS1 feel uncomfortable.

I'm hurt that a) he didn't have the decency to talk to me in advance - finding out via FB (no comment on sending invites by FB in the first place)
b) I feel that he's not offending DS1 who everyone has a very difficult relationship including myself and DH but choosing to offend myself and DS2
c) the message DS2 gets is that no matter what he does and he has turned his life round, that he is forever associated with bad behaviour

We've just had a fairly intense row, he brought it up in front of DS2 and despite multiple requests not to talk about it now but wait till later just ploughed on so I ended up losing my temper and poor DS2 was stuck feeling mighty uncomfortable.

Aibu and advice on where to go now much appreciated

[Headofthehive55]

How lovely of your DB to extend his invite to your DS. It shows just how well he's done and people are once again starting to accept him.
It takes time. It's only been 12 months.

[kali110]

There are always backstories, but he was still in serious trouble.
Ds2 has made great changes ( and you both should be proud).
The law may forget now He's 16, but the people who know him won't just be able to forget.
Hopefully your ds and your db can build on their relationship.
He's come a long way, i hope he carries on!
Hope your ds1 is able to turn things around.

[Cguk81]

I can see why your DB grouped them together as it's easier to exclude both as 'no children invited' instead of blatantly saying he didn't want one them there because of his behaviour. I can see his worry...regardless of his professional colleagues being there he may also be worried about how your son/sons will behave on the day if there is alcohol available (regardless of them being underage). As someone who almost had my own wedding ruined by my drunk and belligerent brother, despite his promises beforehand that he would behave himself on the day, I can understand he might have concerns about them acting up on the day.

[HyacinthsBucket]

Regardless of all the above, you must be so very proud of your DS. That's some acheivement, and it's terrifying how quickly kids can slide onto the wrong path. Getting off it takes some doing, and that's amazing.

[SheldonCRules]

You may have swept the behaviour under the carpet but others don't have too. If your son doesn't want people to talk about it he shouldn't have done it.

He didn't have to invite him to any of it, many wouldn't. I'd find it hard to invite them and you but would be torn with the family obligations.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

Like someone said upthread, why would your DB risk having either of them there? He has invited DS2 to the evening, he has a choice to go or not

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

Unless your younger DS has never had issues with drugs and crime then that's enough to make a decision tbh.

[Itsallabitcrazyhere]

As I posted earlier, I'm grateful for the advice and it's really shaped the outcome for me and helped in lots of ways. I've seen in areas I was BU.

Also realise now that complex problems not best for MN where without a lot of detail, it's hard to get across the full story

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

The brother isn't forgoing all manners - he's invited one nephew to the evening do, despite said nephew having been in trouble with drugs etc. The DS needs to realise that not everyone is his mother, and that just because he's sorry, doesn't mean that everyone else can forget how he has behaved.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Of course it is good that DS2 has made progress, however this is also about the potentially very difficult position it would put your DBro in with his other guests if your DS2 attended the main ceremony.

There was also a bit of an assumption on the OPs part that DS2 would be invited he wasn't on the invite.

[Itsallabitcrazyhere]

Thanks manu - it was a huge change and a brave one. I must admit I'm surprised at some responses, not in a bad way just interesting to see how people interpret juvenile crime. I am the last one to belittle the things he did. The law acknowledges that minor criminal activity is cleared at 16. It's interesting to see how different people look at that. I'm certainly glad that the legal system allows him to put mistakes whilst he was immature behind him and he doesn't carry that forward and can be given the opportunity to do better in the future.

Thanks again for the thoughts. It's been helpful as I've worked through this with DS and DB.

[Manupprincess]

Just because you are getting married doesn't mean you can forgo all manners. They are family and he presumably has a decent relationship with OP as she is invited. It's just polite. Quick chat, problem averted.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

No he shouldn't have to be more tactful - it's his wedding FFS! And her DS needs to realise that just because he's ready to be accepted back into the fold, doesn't mean that people will just accept that!

[Manupprincess]

DB could have just had a quick conversation with you when he sent the invite which is likely to have prevented this. It's up to him who he invites but he could have been more tactful.
Personally I think DS2 has done well. If he's changed his life for 12mths that means he gave up drugs etc at 15 years old. I work in the justice system and think that's pretty commendable as it can mean pretty big changes to lifestyle including friends.

[iamavodkadrinker]

You reap what you sow. Why should he invite a crim to his wedding?

[NarkyMcDinkyChops]

DS2 had asked me before we saw him to make sure it wasn't discussed

Your son is old enough to know that he can't and shouldn't try to control what other people talk about.If he doesn't like discussions, he can remove himself from them.

[KateDaniels2]

A day wedding do is where people stand an chat.

Evening do, not so much. Evening dos are far more relaxed.

He may not want your ds2 standing round having talking to these people

[Itsallabitcrazyhere]

Thanks for the feedback. Some really thought provoking opinions. It is absolutely his decision and I agree wholeheartedly that it's his choice. We've always been a very close family.

I hadn't intended to raise it at all, the row kicked off because he raised it in front of DS2 & I repeatedly asked him to drop it which he refused to do. I might not have agreed with the rationale but had no intention of raising it and DS2 had asked me before we saw him to make sure it wasn't discussed. Once it was, DB said a few things which weren't very nice and then I got upset.

From a career point of view, I'm not sure of the relevance - day guests see evening guests and both DS have been invited to the evening. If he had stated that he couldn't invite either because of their history I would probably have understood more (a conversation in advance would have helped hugely but that's just my opinion).

Very grateful for the thoughts thank you!

[BewtySkoolDropowt]

OK, it's not entirely clear but.. It shows like ds2 has been invited but ds1 hasn't?

I think you are making an issue where there isn't one tbh.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

DS2 has not been "grouped with DS1". He is invited to the evening party which is gracious of your DB. I understand that you are pissed off, but I think that you and your son need to realise that damage and broken trust takes time to mend. The best thing your DS2 can do is attend and be a model guest. And you do whatever it takes to heal this rift with your brother.

Also, as a PP has said, assume that only those named on an invite are invited to a function.

[DomesticDisgrace]

Jesus he wouldn't be invited at all if it was my wedding!

[scardeyy]

Sorry but I agree with him. He might be sweetness and light now but was formally a right wrongun- he needs to learn that people won't just forget that. I bet if he'd been a good kid and his brother bad then he'd have been invited. That said he has been invited to the evening.

[Ruprecthepanbasher]

My brother didn't invite my children to his wedding and he's the Godfather to one of them. When he said 'no kids' I did presume family would still be invited but no, there wasn't one child there. It didn't matter to us (I love childcare weddings!) but I have to admit I was surprised.