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AIBU?

To have once child ?

35 replies

notgivingin789 · 27/01/2017 12:38

Hey all,

I'm 22 years old and have a 7 year old DS ( I know I had him young- don't judge).

I get many people coming up to me asking when I'm going to have another child ? I tell them my age and the reply that "I am old enough to have another child" or they would say " I'm selfish for having just the one child and DS would want a sibling".

The issue is not that I don't want another child, it's just that I didn't want another child with a dad (DS dad) who doesn't even look after the child he already has (financially, emotionally). So why would I make my life more difficult by having another child by someone who can't be arsed about their current child.

Also, I found it really difficult juggling my studies and having a young child to take of (including a child who has extra needs) and who had a father who basically was useless ! I'm hoping to start on a Masters course this year and if by chance I meet a great person and I decide to have an extended family with them. Then great ! If not DS and I would do just fine.

Though I do find myself self doubting.. I am worried about the age gap between DS (7) and my (if) existing next child. I start to think...maybe I should just crack on with it like everyone tells me to do.

Has anyone else been through this? AIBU ?

OP posts:

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joannegrady90 · 27/01/2017 22:09

Don't worry about having another, imo multiple children are overrated. I have 6 brothers and don't have a bond with any of them ..

I just have one special needs child DD age 8 and we have a fantastic life just the two of us (her dads a bell end too)

NotTheMrMenAgain · 27/01/2017 21:53

What the hell? It's a good idea to have more kids with an abusive arse - clown so "all your kids have the same Dad" ?! WTF. I've never heard such bollocks. Are you sure these people have your best interests at heart?

I think you need new friends OP. Also, there's nothing wrong with having only one kid - I'm the proud owner of a fab only DD through choice, we just don't have the slightest urge to do it again

steppemum · 27/01/2017 16:57

You are 22. You are doing a great job with your ds. Plan for the life you and he want. Do your masters, get the job you love, enjoy your son and live life to the full.

If along the way you do meet someone, and decide to have another one, fine, if you don't fine, but don't worry about it now. Either way your ds will be fine.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/01/2017 16:37

THEY are mad!
You are intelligent and sane!

notgivingin789 · 27/01/2017 16:07

Thank you soft . When people tell you things that contradict your opinions it makes you feel mad ! That's what I felt anyway.

OP posts:

haveacupoftea · 27/01/2017 15:40

I am only planning one. If anyone tries to tell me to have more i'll be asking why they stopped at x number. Cheeky arseholes.

SoftSheen · 27/01/2017 14:55

I don't judge you for having a child at 15. These things happen.

I WOULD judge you for having another child with a man who you now know to be incapable of supporting them financially and emotionally.

Do your Masters course and get on with your career and your life. When (and if) you find yourself in a strong, stable relationship with a good man, then the question of another baby can be revisited. At 22, you have plenty of time on your side.

Gazelda · 27/01/2017 13:59

You sound happy and you seem to have your life on track.
I presume your DS is happy.
So just let everyone mind their own business.
Having any only child is ok.
Having a large age gap is ok.
Having a child with someone you don't live, who abuses you and who isn't a good father to your DS isn't ok.

BornFreeButinEUchains · 27/01/2017 13:54

Each family is totally unique, there are pros and cons of having an only child and having ten dc. There are pros and cons of having baby when v young and also when older. Age gaps don't matter - its all down to personality as to whether dc will ever get on well. Just relax and be happy, sounds like you have done enormously well on your own, you will know the right decisions to make.

icy121 · 27/01/2017 13:51

Christ, having seen all the threads on here about massive sibling bust ups and going NC etc, having the one child is a very sensible choice!

harderandharder2breathe · 27/01/2017 13:50

People think you should have a second child with an ex boyfriend that isn't a good dad to his existing son? Those people need to get a grip

You're young so you have loads of time, if you want to, to meet someone new and if you both want to have a child or children, then you can do that.

What's best for your son is a secure home life. At the moment that's just you and that's absolutely fine!

Siblings are hit and miss whether they get along anywat

Jeanstootight · 27/01/2017 13:42

You sound like you are doing a great job and setting a great example to your DS. Why would you want to rock this situation? The only thing a child really needs is love, I've never met a child who needs a sibling, it's always the parents who want another child. There are advantages and disadvantages to having any number of children. Are these people just passing the time of day (it's the default question I find to mums of single children). If not ask them why they are so interested in when you'll be next having unprotected sex!

hellsbellsmelons · 27/01/2017 13:31

I had one.
Job done. I did my bit and it's over.
If anyone dared ask me (and they did a lot) I would just say 'No fuckin' way am I ever going through that shit again'
That usually put an end to the conversation.
You are so young.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
You are educating yourself to an extremely high standard.
Get your life on track with career etc... and if you do meet someone else who wants kids and you do, then great.
If not, one is more than enough!

Wallywobbles · 27/01/2017 13:30

40+ years between my ex and his youngest siblings, 10 years between him and the closest.

Im youngest of 6 and it's great to be the youngest. Not so good to be the eldest of a big family.

It is said (no idea by whom) that a 5 year age gap is like being an only child.

Honestly just live a good life and fuck what others think. I'm full of admiration for what you've achieved.

Strifae64 · 27/01/2017 13:29

I have one son that I love dearly

one is enough for me :) I would never change having him for the world but I certainly don't want any more. Just ignore them

Morphene · 27/01/2017 13:23

having children by the same Dad......it makes the whole thing sound like breeding horses.

urgh.

Anyway YANBU, having more children is rarely the answer to anything other than an overwhelming desire to have more children. If you don't have that desire then never ever do it.

notgivingin789 · 27/01/2017 13:15

Thanks imperial it's from people who knew of our relationship. So not his family. Just people we have come across that knew of both of us (e.g. Family friends, his friends etc ).

Apparently it's common (I don't know - this is what I've been told) that if you have a child by someone, even if you have broken up with them, to keep having children by them anyway as it would benefit to have the same children by the same dad.

OP posts:

LivinOnAChair · 27/01/2017 13:14

Firstly it sounds like you've juggled being a brilliant mum and finishing your education excellently!
If you don't want anymore children your DS will be perfectly fine as an only child, these people that ask you and make you feel uncomfortable have no right and are frankly rude. I think you are very sensible to not want anymore children until you are in a happy stable relationship and you have plenty of time if you did decide you wanted more in the future with the right person.
My advice; ignore them! You know it would not be the right thing to do to have another baby with somebody that didn't support you and was abusive, failing that ask them to have a baby with DS's father if they think he should have a sibling that strongly

WasabiNell · 27/01/2017 13:14

There's 10 years between me and my brother and we get on amazingly well so don't worry about age gaps

ImperialBlether · 27/01/2017 13:04

I think you're mixing with the wrong people, tbh. Is it his relatives who keep banging on about this?

I assume you're not with him now. Why not try to make a circle of friends who are nothing to do with him and who won't ask you such stupid questions? You sound absolutely great and it's fantastic you're doing so well - steer clear of the idiots!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/01/2017 13:04

They're talking a load of crap, OP. Just ignore them and their petty opinions about children being from the same fathers. They may think they're making a valid point but it just comes down to snobbery if they think it's better that all kids come from the same father even though he's abusive.

Silverthorn · 27/01/2017 13:03

I would just walk away from these people. They sound like thoughtless idiots to be frank.
Their opinions do not matter. It's up to you.
It wouldn't stop the comments if you comply.

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notgivingin789 · 27/01/2017 13:03

Sorry about my grammar ! It was my phone !

OP posts:

notgivingin789 · 27/01/2017 13:01

Thanks not and show. I would like another child but just not with DS dad. No way, no way. He was abusive, useless (in every was possible). I find it a bit discouraging that people who knew how DS dad was like be telling me that I should have another with him.

What about me ? My mental health by having another child with a person like that ? Who would pay for their clothes, childcare, basic living expenses? Cause God knows he won't !

OP posts:

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 27/01/2017 12:58

Yep polly even a parent who I knew of who knows DS dad is useless was practically encouraging me to have another child with him as it would "be better if my kids all come from the same dad". hmm

Better for who?

Not for the kid, not for you, and probably not even for the father.

Ask them to explain themselves (if you can be arsed).

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