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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite older children/adults to our wedding ?

40 replies

Flibbertyjibbit · 26/01/2017 12:44

I have a lovely friend who I do not want to offend so thought I would ask the mumsnet jury before finalizing our wedding guest list.

She re-married a few years ago and they now have a 4 year old son who will be invited along with friend & husband. My problem is she also has 2 daughters from previous marriage that are 17 & 19, they still live at home if that makes any difference.

We have to pay full adult price for anyone over 16. I'm thinking of only inviting friend, husband and 4 year old. I have only met the older ones a couple of times with a brief hello.

There will be lots of other children under 10 at the wedding but no other teens/young adults.

Would you be offended/upset if your older children were not invited to a wedding?

OP posts:

MysweetAudrina · 26/01/2017 13:16

I am married and we have 5 children between us. My best friend got married a few years ago, small affair and she invited me, my dh and my eldest DS. She did not invite my 2sds who live with us or my 2 younger kids. I had my eldest ds when I was 18. She was my best friend then so always had a special place for him. She knows all our other children and I have been step mother to the girls for 18 years. No one was offended. The 3 of us went and had a great day.

llangennith · 26/01/2017 13:19

Why don't you talk to your friend about your dilemma? You can then gauge her reaction face to face and adapt the conversation accordingly.

bumblingbovine49 · 26/01/2017 13:20

and

WannaBe · 26/01/2017 13:21

Some people just get offended because they can.

Personally it wouldn't occur to me to invite the adult children of a friend - children who I didn't even know.

Servicesupportforall · 26/01/2017 13:21

These are other adults? They arbt older children they are the adult offspring of her friend. Of course you don't need to ask adults you don't really know just because they still live at home.

I have adult offspring still living at home and they would neither want or expect to be invited to my friends wedding.

Rubies12345 · 26/01/2017 13:23

I think just invite the couple. The adult children can look after the 4 year old.

KateAdiesEarrings · 26/01/2017 13:26

I think the problem is that without an explanation, it looks like a value judgement on her children/family - as though the younger child and new husband are her 'main' family now so you can ignore the first version of her family.

JedBartlet · 26/01/2017 13:27

The responses on here are mad. Of course you can only invite some of a family. I would not be offended by this AT ALL.

I have an enormous (but very close) family. I invited all of them to my wedding. Some of my siblings/cousins have had smaller weddings and have only invited certain age groups, or one cousin per family, or above/below a certain age, or only godchildren, or whatever random rule they see fit to impose for THEIR day. It's absolutely fine. Not everyone can invite everyone to every wedding, or wants to. You're not asking her to leave a newborn at home to fend for itself. I very very much doubt the teens would want to come. If in doubt, check with her, but I really can't imagine anyone I know having a problem with this.

scottishdiem · 26/01/2017 13:31

I think its ok to not to invite them but I would speak to your friend first to explain. My sister and I did not go to several of the weddings of friends of my mum and dad as we didnt know the people and they didnt know us, even when we were young. I suppose there is a reason you want the 4 year old there? There is babysitting available to them - even if the wedding isnt child free I think its ok to not invite every child of every guest. When DP and I got married the only children were the flower girls and DPs sisters children. We didnt invite others and no-one got in touch to ask. They just came.

When did things become "the whole family or none?"

KC225 · 26/01/2017 13:34

I wouldn't be offended. Those two extra places can be 'spent' on someone you know. Agree with the others - would they want to go? Maybe run it by your friend first you know her better than us

user1485342611 · 26/01/2017 13:37

I think it would look a bit odd. Why do you need to invite the four year old? Just invite the parents, and don't invite any of the children.

BusterTheBulldog · 26/01/2017 13:37

I think it's fine, or maybe just invite the couple. I was in a similar situation and invited friends older children-my thinking was that they wouldn't want to come anyway and would have lots of better young hipster things to do. They didn't, they came and generally looked a bit bemused by the whole thing! Hey ho.

MycatsaPirate · 26/01/2017 13:43

We were invited to a wedding last year.

In the invite it said it was adults only (because of costs) except immediate family who were bridesmaid and pageboy. All fine.

We get to the wedding. Dp's daughter was there (she's 13) with her stepdad. And another couple were there with one of their children (she is 12). They actually have four children but only one was named on the invite.

It was really bizarre. Not only was the child free wedding not child free but they selected one child out of four in a particular family to attend. My DD (11) was a bit put out that she wasn't allowed to go when it turned out her step sister was there.

Just all really odd.

Original poster

Flibbertyjibbit · 26/01/2017 14:09

I think it would be odd to invite couple without 4 year old as there will be at least 3 other children attending in that age range. If it was child free then it would be simpler but we don't want a child free wedding. I can see this happening "DS wasn't invited to wedding, but when we arrived there were young children all over the place- AIBU to be cross DS wasnt invited?"

I kind of think 17 & 19 are young adults, hence thinking about not inviting. I don't know them well as I meet friend/their mum for coffee in the daytime or chat on phone. The times we've been for Sunday lunch, the teens have been on their way out to see friends and said hello. That is all the contact we've had.

We only have space for 50 guests so an extra 2 young adults means I need to cut another couple from list. Nothing to do with affording our wedding, we have a maximum number of seats.

I need to stop worrying about discussing with friend and get on with it, I shall ask her next time we meet for coffee.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 26/01/2017 15:07

OP, you really don't need to invite the teenagers. Honestly. Why would they want to go anyway? And even if they did, why would you want them there?

And for those of you who think it's all or nothing, if the teenagers were invited to a friend's wedding, would you expect their parents to be invited, too?

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