AIBU to say no to childcare when I work FT

[CathyODermie]

I work FT, my DH has retired. We have an 8yo DS. My DH has decided to become a governor at our DS's school. All very good, but the meetings have been set for 4.30-6.30pm. I can work from home roughly once a week. My DH is asking me to take care of DS while he goes to the governors meets. These meets are getting quite frequent. My son doesn't need a lot of looking after at his age, but I'm still interrupted if I'm his 'go to' when I'm trying to focus on work. AIBU to ask my DH to make provision for our DS if he is committing himself during my working hours, whether I am at home or not?

[Chloe84]

YANBU OP. He should organise childcare.

How is he with housework?

[Pinotwoman82]

When do you get your downtime? He has weekends, when do you have? X

[AcrossthePond55]

So, basically he's following the 'old' routine, in which you were available for childcare because you either didn't work or were working PT. He needs to realize that the positions have changed and that HE is now the default childcare. And that just as you didn't expect him to take off work and sorted in yourself if you needed childcare, so now must he sort childcare for himself. Just as you did.

I think you need to point out to him that you are now the 'working parent' and he is now the 'SAHP'.

[PurpleMinionMummy]

He is being u to ask you with two days notice

[TheDowagerDuchessofDenver]

Yeah, it's unreasonable of him not to at least TRY to sort some alternative childcare, definitely.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

My bugbear here is that I am the default option, when I should be the emergency option. I agree. Tell him that.

[CathyODermie]

it seems to be split in favour of IANBU.
To fill in a few gaps. I had always been the main breadwinner until our DS came along. We agreed that I would be a FT SAHM for the early years. Then I worked PT while my DH worked FT. He was quite senior public sector. Prior to my DS I was senior management global corp.
When I worked PT with young DS and my DH worked FT, I did everything childcare related. I never asked my DH to wfh or commit while his was supposed to be working. I always, without fail, covered off childcare if I needed to do something. Most of all I didn't ever commit to anything that needed my attention if it meant relaying on my DH to look after our DS in work hours. I simply said "I can't commit to that". And to answer the comment "surely you don't work much beyond 4:30 anyway". My official hours are until 6pm and as mentioned by PP, I am senior management and have to work the job rather than the hours. I certainly don't finish at 4:30pm. My real problem here is that my DH isn't trying to get childcare for our DS (in the form of tea at a friends for example, not paid necessarily). He could easily make an agreement with one of his class room friends that they have our DS one every couple of weeks on the scheduled governors meets and my DH could reciprocate with their child the other weeks. The governors meets are normally scheduled in advance. So why leave it until Monday of this week to ask me to cover childcare on Weds of this week?? My bugbear here is that I am the default option, when I should be the emergency option. When I wfh I have to work. And that's not in inverted commas. I have a stressful and very busy role that I am expected to deliver on. An option of course could be to take a break at 4:30pm for a couple of hours and then my DH can take over again while I return to work. But the meetings always overrun and so I would be sitting at my PC at about 7:30pm to work for 2 hours. I am exhausted at the end of the day and find it hard to concentrate.
My point here is that I work FT and he doesn't, he doesn't work at all. Is it unreasonable to ask that my DH consider other options as a first line rather than asking me first off?
I would rather the governors meetings were later so that I could finish work and then take over. I do every single night and my DH gets his down time at the weekend. He goes to the gym, he goes out with friends, I spend a lot of time with my DS at the weekend. I need to concentrate on work in the week. My DS does not need much attention no. But it would be better if he weren't there and interrupting me when he wants something. He's an only child and so he does like to interact. It's hard to tell him to go away and come back later, it pulls on my conscience.

[Zimmerzammerbangbang]

January I work from home. I too keep similar hours to what u would do in the office. It would be a good day if I finished before 8. I'm not a martyr - those are normal hours in my profession!

[Megatherium]

I'm a school governor, and for a long time we had sub-committee meetings at 4.30 to allow staff to attend. I grumbled about it from the start, since in order to be sure of getting there on time I had to leave work at 3 at a time when I normally left at 7, so it was a pain in the neck. I always think that, given that school governors are volunteers, their convenience needs to be considered just as much if not more than that of staff members.

Fortunately we reached a point when a number of governors were moaning even more than I was, and meetings were moved to 5.30 and then 6.30, which is much easier to deal with. Your husband needs to try to push for something similar.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

The OP doesnt need to organise anything!

[TheDowagerDuchessofDenver]

I can see both sides.

Is there an after school club at school he could go to?

Or could he pay you back those hours in the evening - ie you work 9-4.30, then take a break of two hours, then he comes back and gives you 6.30-however long you need to finish your work?

Unless the meetings are more than once a week, then he is definitely being unreasonable.

[trinity0097]

Can you not organise an after school play date?

[blaeberry]

I am a SAHM. In the situation you describe I wouldn't be able to do it - not frequent enough for regular childcare, too regular for relying on friends for all dc especially considering after school activities. I would instead make representations to the school as it is a terrible time for nearly everyone apart from school management.

[alltouchedout]

When I was a governor I could claim childcare expenses if necessary. Once I had to go to a meeting and DH had to stay at work late, so I arranged for the dc to go to ds3's normal daytime childminder and got the cost refunded to me. And when ds3 was tiny I took him to meetings in a sling. He was very good!

[choccyp1g]

At the (junior) school where I am governor, children (school age) of governors' do a combination of after school clubs, and reading/doing homework in the library.
Parents pop out sometimes to check them from the activity to the library, or hand them a snack., or tell them to be a bit quieter.
The children generally behave impeccably, because the head teacher is at the meeting as well.

[BriefExclamations]

Sounds like a perfect wee babysitting job for a teen. If you are home then I'd look after him but if you are not your DH can get a sitter in. I don't see why this is a problem.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Except January that many jobs, especially the higher up the ladder you go, require you to work hours that are not simply 9-5. You are expected to work to the job, not the clock. That is not being a martyr, but not being fired.

If you have never had a job like that then good for you, but many many people do espcially since the start of the crash when more and more people have not been replaced in companies so the remaining staff have to take on more work.

[myfavouritecolourispurple]

I also think I may have taken my ds to a governor's meeting at least once.

[JanuaryMoods]

Surely you don't work much beyond 4.30 anyway? and this wins the award for most naive (being kind here) comment of the week!

DH used to work from home on a regular basis. He kept office hours. 8.30 - 4.30. So not naïve at all. Work the same hours as you would in the office, seems logical to me. Unless you want to be a martyr.

[motherinferior]

You're working. He needs to sort childcare.

[myfavouritecolourispurple]

Can 't really see the issue. DS is 8 and it's for 2 hours. Can he not entertain himself for that time? I've worked all day with mine around at that age - not very often, but sometimes needs must. As long as you don't have conference calls that they might interrupt, it's fine. Bribery with TV and a chocolate biscuit.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Surely you don't work much beyond 4.30 anyway? and this wins the award for most naive (being kind here) comment of the week!

YANBU

Working from home means working at home, not being at home and fitting a bit of work in when you can. Its a common problem when WFH, people assume that you are available for all sorts, forgetting that you are still being paid to do your job and perform to certain standards!

I wouldnt ask DH to finish work 2 hours early every week so I could go to meetings like that, and that is essentially what he is asking you to do. Maybe phrase it like that when you talk to him about it and he might understand it better.

What did he do pre retirement?

[TheMysteriousJackelope]

As other people have suggested, your DS is old enough to sit outside the meeting with a book or iPad to keep him occupied.

Your DH may find other governor's have a similar conflict with childcare. When the PTA board of DD's school meets, the older children of the PTA board members look after the younger ones in a nearby classroom. Maybe this could be a babysitting opportunity for another governor's child?

[JanuaryMoods]

YABU not to support your DH's work for the community. 8 year olds can entertain themselves for an hour or so. Surely you don't work much beyond 4.30 anyway?

[Permanentlyexhausted]

I think YAB a little U.

Volunteering as a school governor isn't about going out on a jolly every couple of weeks. It is a responsible position that requires a degree of work and preparation. I would view it as a really positive thing if my DH was keen to be that involved in my children's education.

As PP have said, at 8 years old your DS should be capable of entertaining himself for 30 minutes while you work, so it should make no difference whether that's at home or in another room at the school. Home would be easier I'd imagine though as the entertainment is already there.

Assuming you do say no, will you be sorting childcare so your DH can do his prep for the meetings at home uninterrupted?