Am I being selfish to hesitate to do this again?

[SunshineGirl2016]

DS is 6 months old and I love motherhood now. I loathed the first 3 months when he was a newborn with the non-stop bf and sleepless nights. The lack of sleep affected my mental health and wellbeing and I really struggled. Thankfully DS is now settled and all is well.

DH and I have been talking about the next baby. I feel I need a long break before thinking about number 2. In fact, the more I think about it the more I question the practicalities of DC2. The thought of the newborn phase fills me with absolute dread. Am I being extremely selfish for wanting to put off DC2 as I can't handle the early days again or should I just bite the bullet and focus on baby making whilst I still can. I'm 36.

The thought of having a toddler and a baby seems totally impossible to me. I know plenty of women juggle both but I don't think I can or want to. Do I need to step up? I want DS to have a sibling but can't face doing it again...any thoughts or tips?

[Joinourclub]

I loved the newborn stage with dc 1. Assumed I would with dc2. But two kids are so much harder than one. A baby plus toddler is so hard. 'Sleep when the baby sleeps' they say - not possible when you have to look after the toddler too. I have been very, very tired for months on end. I feel like dc1 has had a raw deal. We've done a lot less fun things together since dc2 came along. It is getting easier now that dc2 is 6 months, but I have been pretty miserable. I don't regret it. Dc2 is fab and they adore each other, but I know there is NO WAY I could have a dc3!!

[Gillian1980]

That's a good point JsOtherHalf and another reason we are waiting. We literally couldn't afford childcare for 2 kids, it's a massive struggle for 1 child!

[deblet]

I had my ds at 25 and only wanted one child. He was such hard work never slept and I hated the baby stuff.When he was 9 despite a great job and busy life I suddenly became very broody and we decided to have another child. In part because he had autism and I admit I wanted a "normal" child. I lived and learned. I had my second ds at the age of 35 and was content. 11 months later I was pregnant again (failed pill) and having a toddler and baby together made me very depressed. Its really hard work so if you don't really want it don't do it. Enjoy your baby and see how you feel later.

[MrsRhubarb]

Before I had DD we thought an 18 months gap would be great. However once she arrived, although wonderful, she was not easy and we quickly realised that bigger gap would be needed if we wanted to enjoy the experience of having a second, and not just survive it.

DD is three and a bit and has just started nursery, and I am six months pregnant. I really feel that this gap is going to work for us. She is so involved in the pregnancy in a way that she wouldn't been if she was younger, and so much more independent and able to entertain herself when required too. She now has nursery and a couple of other activites that she loves, which will hopefully give me some 1-1 time with DD2 when she arrives.

I would not have been a good mother with a smaller gap.

[badtasteflump]

No you're not selfish at all.

I couldn't have coped with being PG with such a young baby to look after, so I agree you should wait and see how you feel in a year or so.

I always knew I wanted a big family but the smallest age gap between mine is 2 years.

[anannoyinglylongusername]

Oh God don't do it! Leave a gap..

I love my dc's with every bone I have but at 19 months apart it's been really really hard. I knew it would be hard but seriously underestimated just how hard.

DC2 has just turned one and I'm only just starting to feel like I'm clawing back my sanity - and I'm still running on no sleep as dc1 still hasn't ever slept through.

DH works long hours out of the house and we have no other help so that makes things tougher but still think hard.

If your DH is so keen, ask him to think on the following:

How would he get two dc's with a small age gap safely in and out of the car in a busy car park?

how would he put baby to sleep with a lively toddler around?

How would he manage baths before baby is big enough to bath with toddler?

how would he prepare meals with two such little ones that can't be left unsupervised together for a second..

of course you find ways for these things but it's sooooo hard!!

[Bear2014]

It's very early days, OP. Even for a 2 year age gap, you don't need to start TTC until after the first year.

We were unsure if we wanted another for a while. We decided after DD was 2 that we would go for it. It has taken a year to get pregnant (I'm 8 weeks now). I was sad that the age gap would be bigger but I think it will work well, if we get that far. Not everyone wants a small age gap, and you have to do what works for you. I would probably not wait forever if you're 36 though.

[LemonBreeland]

DS1 was an incredibly easy baby, as far as they can be, and I always knew I wanted at least two children. However, I didn't even think about ttc again until he was 2. I enjoyed having just him around and didn't feel the need for another baby until then.

A 6 month old is still very young and dependent. You have time to wait.

[Saltedcaramel2016]

My husband wanted us to have our second around that time - we waited! 6 months is still early days. You may feel different in a year's time and there would still be a relatively small age gap!

[GiftsOnTheFireLogsOnTheTree]

I have a four year gap between DC and that's how long it took for me to feel like i could do it again. Physically and emotionally. It's a lovely gap as DD1 is at nursery every morning so I get quality sleep time with DD2.

Don't have another if you have any doubts having a baby is hard enough without extra worries.

Enjoy your lovely 6 month old and put it the back of your mind until you start to feel like yes you could have another.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I dont understand why people are so obsessed with the 2 year age gap, from what I have seen, its hell!

I have 4-5 year age gaps with my lot and I much prefer that.

[TheSparrowhawk]

It's very early days yet. If you don't want one now, don't have one, you may change your mind later on. If DH is very keen, then you could always say to him that you'll do the pregnancy and first couple of weeks (as long as you're ok with that) but he'll have to do the parental leave, feeding, staying at home etc. - see how keen he is then.

I had a hard time after DC2 was born but I wouldn't be without her. Having two is lovely. That said, having one is lovely too so do whatever feels right.

[stoopido]

I had two close in age and didn't think it was too bad. BUT that was mainly to do with the fact both my children have been excellent sleepers. If I wasn't surviving on much sleep I may have found it extremely difficult. As the children have got older they have helped to occupy each other and it is great being able to do things they are both interested in.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm currently pregnant with DC2 and have all the worries you do regarding sleepless nights and juggling two children etc.

DS1 will be 3y 5m by the time baby is born and ideally I would have preferred a bigger gap but because of our ages (33 and 35) we didn't want to leave it too long.

[Okkitokkiunga]

At 6 months old I wouldn't even have remotely considered it after DD was born. She was about 18 months when we were ready. There is 2.5 years between them. They have always been the best of friends. DD is 10 now so I imagine that may change soon

Do what's best for you and don't worry about what other people say.

[pigsDOfly]

I wouldn't be giving it too much thought yet, your baby is still very young. Having said that, you're the one who has to do it all so if you don't ever feel you want to do it again, then you shouldn't; it's not selfish.

I had quite large gaps between my DC, not planned it just worked out that way, but one of my DD has a 7 month old and a 2 and half year old and it's bloody hard work.

[DanielCraigsUnderpants]

I'm 36, had a near fatal pregnancy (for us both) and I have come to a personal decision that I am blessed with the son I have and I wont have any more. Its not selfish whatever you choose, no babies, one baby, a family of 10 kids. Its what is right for you, just love them and do your best and you're a winner

[Soubriquet]

I have two

At one point it was 2 under 2

Ds was born on the 4th, Dd turned 2 on the 26th.

It was a hard work. Very hard work. It's getting better now they are both older although they fight like mad sometimes

If I could do it all again, I would either have stayed at 1 baby or waited until Dd was in school first

[BigFatGoalie]

I always (naively!!) assumed we would have an 18 months age gap (same as my brother and I) between our two.
Due to all sorts of reasons, we kept putting it off and I'm now 20 weeks pregnant, and my DD is 4!
I felt panicked, selfish and annoyed with myself for leaving it so long, I kept thinking we should have done it sooner, but honestly, SO many people I talk to say we've got a brilliant age gap! My DD is in reception, so I'll have a lot of one-on-one time with them both, she understands everything that's happening to me, the concept of a new baby, she is already being helpful around the house and cannot wait to be a big sister. An NCT friend of mine has a 17 months age gap, hates it, has struggled with all kinds of issues, stress, marriage problems, and has openly admitted she's gone back to work to escape her two boys.... not that every mother feels that way, but she does.
I probably could have had a smaller age gap, but it is what it is (mc last year) and I'm going to embrace it.
I also managed to get my life and figure back in between which has been brilliant! 😄
OP, I felt the "pressure" to have a small age gap, you do what is right for YOU,your DH and DC. No family is the same, you need to look after yourself first and foremost. That's the most important thing in deciding when to have another baby

[Magzmarsh]

The 4 year age gap was perfect for us. DD was a massive help to me and her baby brother. They're 19 and 15 now and are very good friends.

[FlopIsMyParentingGuru]

I never wanted a toddler and a baby at the same time and found the baby months so hard I wasn't sure I ever wanted two.

So we just kept along with DS and it turned out that around about him being three I started wondering about a second child. Things took a bit longer than expected so we ended up with a four and a half year age gap and absolutely love it. DS is an adoring big brother and his now four year old little sister worships him too. I love the age gap.

We took things at our own pace and in our own time. Don't feel you need to make a once and for all decision at such an early stage of being a parent. "Not now" or "Not yet" or "not sure" are all perfectly acceptably decisions. Go easy on yourself and enjoy what you have right now.

[Strokethefurrywall]

I have a 2 1/2 year gap between DS1 and DS2 and whilst I always imagined a 2 year gap perfect (because that was the gap between my older sister and I), when it came down to it, I just didn't want to be pregnant and feeling shit when I had a toddler to deal with.

So we decided to put off having a second until DS1 was about 3 years old. Ended up getting too broody earlier and DS2 arrived when DS1 was 2 1/2. And even at that age it was hard work. Both my babies were excellent sleepers and I loved every second of the first year, didn't find the newborn days tough etc, but my God, having a tantrumming toddler and newborn was exhausting, and DS1 was at pre-school 5 days a week!

In retrospect, a 3 year gap would have been much better but my word, they love each other and get on so well at the moment. DOn't think it's much to do with the age gap really but DS1 is old enough to "teach" things to DS2 and DS2 just adores his big brother.

I very much think it depends on the first one's personality. If you have a raring to go crazy delight, the idea of having a second is much less attractive until they start to calm down a bit!

[SpookyPotato]

I think most people would find that gap hard OP! I have left 3 years between my DS and it feels just right, I feel like I can tackle and enjoy the baby stage again. Plus DS is more independent! And it's still a smallish gap.

[musicmaiden]

My DS1 was a pretty difficult baby/toddler and I had undiagnosed PND for the first nine months. There was no way I was having two under two or indeed for some time! Did want a sibling for him though, so after things settled down and my work was back on track, I decided to TTC when DS was around 3 years old and I was 38. I went into it with the spirit that, if I had failed to get pregnant, I was happy with what I had already.

The 3.9-year age gap has proved good for us. DS2 seemed that much easier – not sure if he reallyt was or I was just more experienced and relaxed. And DS1 was that much older, so was much more self-sufficient, understanding and chilled out. He dotes on his brother and they generally play nicely, although do argue like all siblings (mostly down to DS2 not sharing, which he'll grow out of, obviously).

I too would say leave it and see how you feel in a year, or even two. Your age is a factor of course, but you just aren't ready, so just take your time with deciding. Nothing wrong with just the one, or bigger age gaps.

[bowchikkawowwow]

Your body your choice. End of.