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AIBU?

Leftovers etiquette - a minor festive AIBU

53 replies

NoSherryForMe · 27/12/2016 11:22

We hosted Christmas this year for the family - me, DP and DD, my DParents, DB and DSIL, DUncle and DCousin and a family friend, so 10 of us in total.
We provided the bulk of the food, my DPs and uncle brought some booze and my DPs brought the pudding. DPs also brought some extra furniture and bits that we borrowed for the day.
I worked like a dawg in the kitchen - barely sat down until dessert - and everyone seemed very happy with their food. It was a lovely day and everyone stayed until late.
The next day, my DDad and DUncle came back to collect furniture and other bits. They swept into the kitchen and started fossicking in the fridge for any open bottles of wine to take back (there weren't any), and pounced on the open bottles of sherry and port, which were duly repatriated.
AIBU to think that this is a bit off? If I take booze to someone else's house I wouldn't expect it back, especially if my host had spent the day slaving and barely tasted a drop! Or is this normal behaviour?

OP posts:

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OohMavis · 27/12/2016 12:09

So, so rude

The only time it's acceptable to take alcohol home with you is when it's been offered because it won't be drunk etc.

My FIL does this with everything, I'm convinced he has issues with food. He once came to take care of the children so we could go and have our 20 week scan. Thought it would be nice to leave him something easy for the kids, so I bought three tins of tomato soup and a baguette and told him I'd got him a tin too if he fancied it. Came home and one tin had been shared between the children with two remaining tins sitting on the side, all fine.

The time came for him to leave but before going he went into the kitchen, took the two tins of soup and the remainder of the baguette and stuffed them in his bag! He has a fully-stocked kitchen at home! My face was just like

NoSherryForMe · 27/12/2016 12:13

It's rude. Your Mum was weird & rude yesterday too - is she normally like that?

No, she's generally lovely but occasionally odd, and I have some Concerns...

OP posts:

Bobsmum02 · 27/12/2016 12:17

So rude!

I have no intention of returning the left over champagne that was brought over to my house on Christmas Day (in fact I may have already drunk one of them!!)

f83mx · 27/12/2016 12:17

I once saw DFish

proper chortled at that.

No its really bad etiquette and stingy to take stuff back like that, no point saying anything but I would bear in mind if you are cooking again next year how much you spend/provide - i.e perhaps ask everyone to bring a dish/don't splash out on any drinks for them... etc.

IsItMeOr · 27/12/2016 12:18

Sounds like they were desperate for a sherry/port at home and thought it was easier to collect the one from yours rather than go to a shop.

Would have been kind to at least pour you a glass for later before taking it though, when you asked.

Sounds like your mum was indeed nervous about her stuff getting lost, and she handled it awkwardly. I do weird stuff like that from time to time. It doesn't sound like any more than Christmas Stress to me. Unless there's something else that causes you Concerns?

NoSherryForMe · 27/12/2016 12:23

Unless there's something else that causes you Concerns

I've been noticing a bit more confusion, forgetting something that's just been discussed and general non sequiturs lately, but this could just be natural with aging. There's also an innate streak of dottiness that runs down the maternal line, and this may have been the festive edition!

OP posts:

blueshoes · 27/12/2016 12:23

I think the host should offer and if they do not, the guests should not help themselves to leftovers. If the guests are close to the host, it is alright to ask. As the OP said in sorrowful tones "Oh, are you taking that? I was looking forward to a tipple later", her father should have taken the broad hint and left it!

However, I think it is fine to take back loaned cutlery or crockery that any food came in. I usually wash them up for guests to take home as it might be some time before I have a chance to see them or return them. If there is any leftover food in them e.g. a pie, the guest has the choice whether to take it back with the food in it.

IsItMeOr · 27/12/2016 12:26

Hope it's just the festive edition of dottiness OP. And that you managed to get a sherry .

NoSherryForMe · 27/12/2016 12:28

Thanks, IsItMe. I'll be seeing my brother today, so we can compare case-notes!

OP posts:

NormaSmuff · 27/12/2016 12:35

my dm took back her white wine but i then offered her her half drunk white wine, but sort of changed my mind as i thought dd might have liked a try. i thought she had her eye on her biscuits she bought us, we bought the same, and the cheese biscuits and the cheese, so i offered her her cheese back, but she left it with us.
very rude indeed to take port and sherry,
we dont like white wine anyway
she left the red, which i will drink with lemonade in due course.

NormaSmuff · 27/12/2016 12:36

oh and i did tell dm not to take the baileys

MrsHathaway · 27/12/2016 12:48

We will leave most here but he has told us to take certain things back with us as he won't eat/drink them.

Now I think this is completely normal. Yesterday we took soft drinks and mince pies to a family party. We came home with the empty tin and the full bottles which hadn't been touched - SIL insisted, saying they would go to waste otherwise. We would have been happy to leave them, because we weren't expecting to come home with them!

Maybe that's the difference. They brought the bottles happy to share some out during the festivities, but still considering themselves to be the owners and expecting to take some/most home, like my cake tin.

Kel1234 · 27/12/2016 12:54

That's rude. You don't do that.

NoSherryForMe · 27/12/2016 12:56

There was never any question of us keeping the platters, cutlery, tablecloths etc that they'd brought. But maybe you're right and they saw the booze as in the same category.

OP posts:

NoSherryForMe · 27/12/2016 12:58

By contrast, the family friend came loaded down with wine, cheese and chocs, most of which was untouched. I begged her to take it home but she refused! So it's reappearing at another family get-together today.

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 27/12/2016 13:02

That's the only way I can understand it. Still rude and wrong IMO but if most of it was still in the bottle and you're all family

One of DH's uncles is famous for taking the piss when invited to take leftovers home with him. Most people would take a couple of mince pies and a handful of sandwiches ... With him it's like the locusts have been through

PaulDacresConscience · 27/12/2016 13:14

I think it is rude. Often the host is busy hauling arse between kitchen and table so doesn't get much of an opportunity to enjoy the food and drink to the extent that everyone else does. So to just help yourself to the bottles that you brought with you, as soon as you have decided it's time to leave, is breathtakingly rude and ill mannered.

In situations like this I would nicely but firmly point out that I'd provided all of the food, cooked it and run about making sure that everyone had enjoyed themselves - so in view of this asking for a bottle of sherry to be left behind is hardly a big ask. That if this is the expectation then they could feel free to make alternative arrangements the following year.

However if you have started noticing things that jar and don't make sense, then it would be worth exploring this further. It can be an early sign of dementia when social cues start being missed, or personality changes which seem at odds with their typical behaviour.

RhiWrites · 27/12/2016 13:28

For anyone looking at this and boggling the solution is always serve the guest items first. I've experienced this before so I keep my wine back until what the guest bright runs out.

Lyla9 · 27/12/2016 13:31

I hosted Xmas, provided all the food and champayne, guests brought their own booze, took their left over booze home with them and 'invited' me to bring leftovers to their house for Boxing Day. I won't be in inviting them again

BIgBagofJelly · 27/12/2016 13:32

I think it's very stingy behaviour. You probably spent a lot on the food and went to a great deal of effort to cook it all, the drink should be a gift. If there's any left over the host gets to enjoy it later.

Statelychangers · 27/12/2016 13:50

Once brought wine to someone's house - they opened one of the bottles and then handed us the leftovers - we were a bit embarrassed....so we didn't know they didn't drink but the wine was a gift - not to be handed back unwanted.
My in laws are known for taking cakes to your house and then going home with whatever hasn't been eaten - it's weird behaviour, but I think they just don't realise it's odd. You go to someone's house for dinner and you bring a gift for them that you do not decide to take back if it hasn't been consumed and that includes unfinished booze.

MrsHathaway · 27/12/2016 13:53

Sometimes a friend will ask me to bring food colouring to . I bring my expensive Sugarflair paste. And damn sure I take it home again.

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Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 13:53

Rude!!

Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 13:55

Rhiwrites

Ingenious!

Only1scoop · 27/12/2016 13:55

Rude

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