Ignored by in-laws

[LittleMermaidRose]

Long story short - my in laws clearly favour my sil & hubby over me & my dh (even more now that they have a child but it has always been the case). A couple examples being - they're always invited over for dinner/days out but not us, their house is filled with photos of them but only one of us.. they just seem to be their pride & joy whereas we are an afterthought.

On Christmas eve dh & I invited his family round for a Christmas dinner, as we wouldn't be seeing them on Christmas day. We went to a lot of effort to make it special for everyone & saved up for months beforehand as money is extremely tight for us right now. Everyone seemed to have a great time.

Today we were all invited to sil's for lunch.

When we got home I noticed that mil had posted a huge thank you post on Facebook about how lovely the lunch was, sil's cooking was incredible, & thank you for the wonderful day.. but she never said thank you to us, either in person or on Facebook!

I hope this doesn't seem petty but it happens all too often. Sil & bil are always thanked & praised publicly for everything they do while we seem to be ignored. It annoys me more than it hurts me, but I can't imagine how it makes my dh feel!! He says it doesn't bother him but it would certainly bother me if my mother was playing favourites with me & my siblings!

Should I address her rudeness or am I being over sensitive?

[Italiangreyhound]

I've not read all the comments but I have read some and I have seen your other threads started at the same time.

Re her not giving you the full thank you on Facebook, I don't think you will ever solve that one, until she respects you.

So stick to things where it is clear you are being wronged.

Plus you say you had saved up to give them a nice meal and saved up months beforehand. Please do not ever do this again. Save your money for you. Really, you will not impress her with nice food or nice gifts.

If she were a normal person she would appreciate you for you.

IMVHO the only way you will get any sort of grudging appreciation out of her is once you have earned her respect by standing up to her in a suitably polite, assertive and appropriate way. BUT I don't know her so I cannot guarantee anything!

[TheDayIBroke]

My MIL is the same - her daughters can do no wrong, their spouses are the bees knees, their children were welcomed with hugs and kisses. My DH, for reasons unknown to us both, is treated like your DH, our children treated like irritating midges. She just couldn't be bothered with us. My children picked up on this, and it hurt them, which hurt us.

We are NC with the lot of them. In due time, she will need her offspring to care for her, but she'll get nowt from us.

[Looneytune253]

It's possibly 'just' because mums tend to be closer to their daughters than their sons? Doesn't make it right but could be a reason why.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Since it's her dd you may find her dd makes more fuss about her all year, visits and calls more often. Your dh may be like a lot of ds who pop in now and then and call irregularly. Posting stuff on Facebook is such a trouble maker as you can't win really. If l were you l would take lead from your dh, have a laugh about it and move on. don't waste energy taking it personally. I presume you have your own family so look to them.

[MistressMaisie]

I do often wonder if she'll warm up to us more when we do have kids, but I doubt it

I think life will be much easier if she doesn't!!
Get on with your own life.

[HighDataUsage]

Step back, slowly distance yourself and smile sweetly when they question why nobody visits them in their care home 20 years later....

My sil does this to my dc, she ignores them but involves herself with my bil's kids which is sad but her choice. However, when she starts to demand visits in her care home later on they are well within their rights not to as she is essentially a stranger to them. They see her once a year at bil's house, she doesn't call them or send birthday wishes so there isn't really a relationship there. Again her choice as I'm not flavour of the month which is fine by me.

Step away and thank y out r lucky stars that you don't have an interfering mil.

[pklme]

My DPs always tell me what a wonderful time they had staying with my DB or seeing my DNs in their concert... I used to feel very second class until I realised that when she is there, she bigs me up to them as well. Basically, the other DC is always better than you.

Best to choose not to think about it- that way madness lies...

[LittleMermaidRose]

Yes, it is her daughter. I can completely understand them being close but what I don't get is why she doesn't make more of an effort with her son (my DH).

She adores SIL's hubby, but doesn't seem to have taken a fancy to me - I don't know what I've done wrong.

It seems like they're more important to her because they've given her a grandchild, whereas we haven't had children yet.

I do often wonder if she'll warm up to us more when we do have kids, but I doubt it.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Is it her daughter, OP? I wonder if that's the reason. Mothers and daughters can be closer when grandchildren arrive. It's not very sensitive or kind behaviour on your MIL's behalf though if so.

You say that your husband isn't bothered. If he's not on FB or other social media much perhaps this is why there aren't the accolades on there? Perhaps public acknowledgement is very important to your SIL/BIL hence why she did this? Some people really like FB, others don't. I wouldn't like it, would rather have thanks in person.

Did she thank you and your husband in person for the nice dinner and time with you when she was with you? If so, I would just put it down to her relationship being that way with SIL and BIL and that hers with you and your husband are just different.

[wizzywig]

So much good advice here.

[pklme]

Stop trying to please and impress them, it will never happen. Just enjoy what relationship they can offer, and ignore the rest.

[MistressMaisie]

Ime history repeats itself and there will be golden childs in the previous generation which are unwittingly and prob unconsciously being repeated.
Or it could be DBIL/DSIL is seen as upper class and she is toadying to win their approval.

[FrayedHem]

It annoys me more than it hurts me, but I can't imagine how it makes my dh feel!! He says it doesn't bother him but it would certainly bother me if my mother was playing favourites with me & my siblings

Do you not believe him when he says it doesn't bother him? My own mother is incredibly difficult and until recently my older brother was her out and out favourite. It used to hurt (as a child), but I've long since grown immune to it. Calling them out on it in any form will likely lead to huge dramas - the chances of them seeing the light and changing their ways are between slim to none.

I would leave DH to deal with it - and by that I mean him being the one to instigate social meet ups and you just give supportive eye rolling when they gush all over social media about their other child.

[Wolpertinger]

Is BIL or SIL her child? If SIL then could be a mother/daughter thing, esp now she is bearer of the glorious grandchild.

However it may be less she is ignoring you, than she is ignoring your DH as BIL/SIL is her favourite child. DH tells you to ignore it either because he knows there's no point trying to change it, or because as it's happened his whole life, he is oblivious to how obviously she favours his sibling.

Either way I would replicate the amount of effort DH puts into his relationship with her and no more. You aren't going to have the big happy families relationship with her that they are, if you point it out to her she'll say you are imagining it and think you are deranged. Focus your energy somewhere that deserves it.

[Topseyt]

Posted too soon. Meant to say that ignoring was the best policy.

[Topseyt]

My MIL was rather like this.

She had three children and had clear favourites even though she claimed never to do that. It was blatantly obvious to all though, and not just to family members.

Facebook wasn't a thing in her day and even once it was she wasn't a user. Otherwise, I don't doubt that she would have acted the same way.

[Scooby20]

My mum always out messages for sil on Facebook to thank her, but not me.

The reason is that sil gets shitty if there isn't a public thank you and couldn't care less. It's not to piss me off.

Again other sil is always thanking her mum for stuff on Facebook but never my mum. Even when mum had sil and dbro kids full time for 2 weeks while they went away.

Again it's because that's Sils mum wants a public acknowledgement. My mum only goes on Facebook occasionally and doesn't care.

Facebook causes all sorts of issues

[jennybongo]

I was actually physically blocked from my sisters house when I dropped off my S-I-L one night. I wasn't invited, just being a taxi but out of politeness I thought I'd say hi to my Sis before going home.
My sister heard her hubby say, 'you're going home now aren't you' but didn't do or say anything to support me. My God it really hurt. I blame her too as she was party to it for choosing to ignore his actions and not even contact me after to see if I was okay.
I didn't want to cause a family row so tried to ignore it but it was bubbling under the surface and I found it impossible to chat with my sister so I ignored her.
She What's app'd to ask what was wrong so i told her. She went mental saying they had invited my SIL and not me and shoudn't feel like I have to be part of everything and the are entiltled to have sister in law without me there. Of course she is and she missed the point totally. Now things are awful. I don't see her as the same person, in fact I really don't like her as a person.
I'm worried if you do attempt to address this it could blow up in your face.
I wish I hadn't said anything.
It would have been a false relationship with her but at least it would have kept my Mum happy and not have the crap I do now.
Good luck.

[Cherrysoup]

Take them all off FB, it causes nothing but hassle. If they ask why, tell them, be honest but not nasty.

[happychristmasbum]

I would take a step back from MIL.

If you wanted to have a little dig I would definitely NOT do it on FB. I would be more inclined to improve your relationship with SIL/BIL. Invite them over for lunch/out for the day without PILS With arseholes like this, it will probably be viewed as a PA Declaration of War

[Aeroflotgirl]

Totally agree with namechange!

[Aeroflotgirl]

it is clear she favouritises them over you, I would treat them in the manner they treat you, that includes no more hosting and trying to please.

[Meemolly]

I'm not a fan of passive aggressive facebook posts, perhaps block them on facebook? My in laws are similar, it is painful but it just is what it is. They have favorites, we are not them.

[KlingybunFistelvase]

As a pp suggested, I'd probably post something like:

"Yes, thanks so much SIL for the amazing day, great food and company [blah blah]. It's a little late, but I also wanted to say thank you so much PILs, (and whoever), for joining us for our 'pre Christmas dinner' last month. So nice to get to have two Christmas dinners with you"!

[Dailymaildailyfail]

Is your BIL or SIL their child? If your SIL is their daughter then maybe it's just the way daughters and sons are treated? Not saying that it's justified but me and my DH are treated very differently sometimes to my DB and his partner!