To not know how anyone gets anything done with a baby/toddler?

[Zarachristmas]

There have been a few threads lately that have made me a little uncomfortable.

Comments along the lines of 'being a sahm is a job which you either do well or do badly'

It's the sahp job to make the home nice for the working parent to come home to'

'With one child at home you should be able to do x, y and z'

'Your husband shouldn't have to cook or now the lawn after work'

I am only think they've never met my toddler.

I do work but part time and I've been off ill recently so have been at home.

My toddler can be so demanding. Even when I pop him in his cot to shower he screams the place down. I've no chance of putting on make up or doing my hair. I make the beds, give the two dc breakfast then do the school run. Usually having a fight beforehand to get toddler dressed and coat on.

I get back and try to have a piece of toast while toddler climbs all over me and eats most of my toast, even if I make him his own toast he wants mine.

We then either go out for the morning or I attempt to do a few jobs.

If I try to fold washing he pulls it all over, if I try to hang washing in clothes airer he pulls it all off. If I pop him in his highchair to unload dishwasher and wipe sides he screams blue murder.

If I try to hoover or dust or anything he opens all the drawers and wardrobes and pulls everything out, shoe boxes, pants, socks. He throws all the shoes out of the shoe basket.

The only way to really stop him trashing the house is to play with him to keep him occupied so I do that.

Then I make him some lunch and he has a nap.

I usually sit for a bit and have a drink then start on some jobs. Usually picking up the trail of mess everyone has left for me. Clothes and random crap my husband has strewn about, loading, hanging and folding washing, picking up toys, clearing up after lunch, cleaning the bathroom, the fridge, mop floors. basically whatever needs doing. Sometimes I prepare a meal for later.

Then it's time to wake toddler up and do the school run, toddler usually again screams blue murder at being woken up and we have another fight to get his coat on and get him out. He might do a poo and we will have a fight to do his nappy which might involve us both ending up getting shit on us and changing.

After school I give kids a quick snack then 3 nights a week I'm back out from 4 running around to various after school activities. If not doing that there's homework, reading. books, spellings to learn or an evening meal to cook. Toddler will usually scream while I cook.

Then it's husband home at 6 if we are lucky, eat, clean up again, bath kids, read kids stories, brush teeth, husband needs a good shower after work or a 30 minute soak in the bath and we sit down at 8pm if we are lucky.

Bed at 10 and repeat. Husband usually falls asleep on the sofa at 9 anyway.

So yeah there are nights my husband gets home and the house is a mess, there are nights he gets in and I haven't cooked and we get chips or he makes us an omelette or some freezer food. There are nights I'm so frazzled the last thing on my mind is my husband full stop.

Of course I've tried all the usual tricks putting toddler in front of the tv, ignoring, getting him to 'help'. It doesn't really work. Occasionally we have a great few days and I get on top of it all, but for the most part he's a high demanding toddler.

I feel like I'm spread quite thinly and I can either put my efforts into the dc, or the house, but I can't do it all.

[BIgBagofJelly]

Definitely depends on the type of baby. I had a friend with a DD the same age as mine who always made comments about what the SAHP should do and how easy she found it all. I always knew her DD was easy going, would happily entertain herself etc but was still when our DD's were 2.5 she complained that her DD had dropped down to "only" napping 1.5 hours during the day (in addition to the 12 hours she got at night). No wonder she got so much bloody done, my DD would only nap on me and never for very long then she would be up all night so I was permanently exhausted. She got a lovely adult evening a full night sleep and a huge chunk of time to do stuff in the middle of the day!

[Ibloodyhatethomasthetankengine]

Being a SAHM is without doubt the hardest job I've ever done. YANBU. I cry at least once every day x

[CheeseFiend36]

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job! Keep your chin up .

I am currently on Mat Leave, DS is 6 months. Basic housework is done while DS is sat in his chair, in his jumperoo or is watching Baby TV.
He sits up but still has balance issues, so when he plays I need to sit with him to support him so that he doesn't face palm the carpet! I can't wait for him to be more mobile and interested in toys and activities that don't involve just me sitting next to him holding him by his waist! I lose the will to live sometimes but don't want to rely on the tv to entertain him.

I put him down for naps 3 times a day however they only last for about 45 mins each . Normally as soon as he's asleep, it's like a race against time to wash the pots, empty the bins, tidy up
random shit everywhere, mop up, clean the kitchen, make the bed etc, but some days, I'll spend his nap time sat on the sofa with a cup of tea watching Countdown. I just think to hell with the cleaning, I need a break! And then when I hear him wake up through the monitor I think to myself "damn I really should have used that time productively!" But if I don't have those moments to myself to just drink tea and watch my adult tv, I feel like I would go insane!

Sometimes if I have the energy then I will make dinner for when DH gets home, DS just comes into the kitchen and sits in his chair babbling away while I cook. But most days DH will come home and put dinner on, he understands that I am frazzled and that I haven't not made dinner because I can't be arsed.

If possible I try to structure a routine for certain chores. I only wash the clothes and iron once a week so i make sure that DS has enough vests, bibs, blankets, sleepsuits etc, and DH has 5 shirts and trousers for each working week. Hoovering gets done every 3 Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

I was saying to my friend only yesterday that it's crazy how quickly the day passes and DH is suddenly home, I genuinely don't feel on some days that I've achieved anything!

[babybythesea]

Headdreamer - again, it depends on the children as to whether two are easier than 1. Mine are 4.5 years apart. The older one wants to play Junior Monopoly and get out tiny Lego pieces to make extensive cities. The younger one wants to play with her but can't manage it /doesn't understand. She gets out her games which the older one promptly deems babyish. They both want me to play with them. Then they argue. When I have both of them here they fight and fight and fight. It's draining. But finding things they both want to do out is also hard. It is starting to get easier as they are 8 and nearly 4. But the last 2 years have been full on hard work. But the times when they play together allowing me to get stuff done are few and far between.

[Unwrapped]

Once they can understand basic language (around 14months) I think it becomes easier to set boundaries.

My toddler was a very demanding velcro baby (with reflux) and I hardly got anything done the first year. The house was filthy, we lived on ready meals and DH had to help a lot.

From around 12months I started interspersing period of intense play with short periods of letting him amuse himself. I kept talking to him eg 'mummy's making a salad/doing the dishwasher/drying her hair, I'll play with you later' but ignored any tantrums or demands until I'd finished the task. He gradually learnt to play independently and at 16months will play for around 15mins while I get on with things. Then we have a cuddle/read a book/play game and I get on with something else.

Things that helped: putting child locks on all wardrobes, cupboards and drawers so he can't empty them. Stairgates betwen rooms so he has to stay in same room as me. A playpen (he goes in it when I'm mopping/hoovering etc) he used to scream and tantrum to come out but now seems to like it and plays with his toys happily.
Rotating toys helps, as does not having too many out at once or he gets bored.
Taking him out every day (softplay, park, groups, swimming etc).
Praising good behaviour (e.g. Passing clean washing to me so I can hang it up) and saying firm no to unwanted behaviour (e.g. Throwing clean washing all over floor).
If he repeatedly does something he is not allowed to do (e.g. Pulling wires, trying to climb up lamp) he goes in travel cot for 10 mins time out.

I feel much better when I'm on top of housework and laundry, things are organised and food is prepared. I don't just do it for DH, I do it for all of us. I want our evenings to be relaxing. I hate running out of clean clothes or sifting through clutter to find things. Keeping the floors clean is a priority as toddler licks them!

Personally I feel being a SAHP (or working PT as I do) is more than just keeping toddler entertained all day. As they get older you find ways to get other things done, even if they have to wail in cot while you take a quick shower or vacuum a room.

If DH was a SAHP or worked PT, I'd find it frustrating to come home from a long day at work and have to start cooking/cleaning/doing laundry.

[Tootsiepops]

My one year old is 'spirited'. I get nothing done.

Some sentences that have recently come out of my real life mouth:

'it's 2am - why the pissing hell have you woken us all up to shout 'duck' sixteen times?'

'please don't put rice cakes in the TiVo box'

'stop trying to force feed your socks to the cat'.

'I'll give you peppa pig on my iPad if you just let me sleep for another half hour'

'I don't want your finger up my nose, thanks though'

'How did you get broccoli in your armpit?'

Sigh.

I had a very high pressure job with a lot of responsibility, and I worked very long hours, but I never knew what hard work meant until I became a mother.

[Unwrapped]

And maybe, if I stuck the tv on, she'd watch and I'd get some cleaning done. But how is that better? I'd rather have a bright, active child spending quality time learning and playing with me than a house that's clean and a child who misses out

OP I find this post confusing. Why do you think she'll suffer without constant attention? Do you think she'll be less 'bright and active' if she watches TV or learns to play independently for short periods? I feel like you're saying all toddlers are 'missing out' if their mums take time to cook and clean

Personally I think toddlers benefit from being left to their own devices for short periods. How else do they learn to play by themselves? They don't stop learning just because you're not interacting. They develop different skills, imagination, self reliance. They learn to be less dependent on others. They use toys in creative ways, build things, experiment, explore different forms of play. Are they not bright and happy?

IMHO part of the transition from baby to toddler is learning that the world does not revolve around them. That parents have other duties, routines, daily tasks. Just as they learn that 4am is not an acceptable time to wake the household, they learn that you have to get household chores done. My toddler sometimes cries or tantrums when my focus isn't on him, but that's a normal part of development. I check he's ok, offer water and a cuddle then get on with my task. A firm 'no' (and time-out in play-pen if persistent) trains them out of negative behaviours like throwing things, drawing on walls, climbing up curtains etc.

Do you prioritise interactive play over everything else? What about nutrition? It takes time to plan meals, shop, cook. Yet nutrition for a toddler is surely as important as getting attention?

Also I think parents need time to recharge. I love my morning shower. For 10mins every morning my toddler has to play by himself in cot, he used to cry but now he's used to the routine. I come out refreshed and he's sitting there playing with his teddies. He knows what to expect and that I'll play with him afterwards.

I clean far more thoroughly now than I did before having DC. I don't see it as something optional but essential for keeping his playspace hygienic. He lies on the floors, lick things that have been on floor, plays with spiders. He spots crumbs or dropped food and collects them. When he's eating a lot of his food goes on the floor. So I sweep, mop, vacuum and dust once a week, and Dettol floor around his highchair every day.

I'm genuinely interested in why you feel it's impossible to get anything done with a toddler and why you think it's detrimental to not give constant attention. Don't you get exhausted? Babies are different as they can't rationalise why you're busy, but a toddler can understand.

[Unwrapped]

Sorry, just realised the post I quoted wasn't OP's

OP have you tried just doing things out of reach? Some suggestions...

Make-up: I do mine in the living room mirror (make-up bag on mantelpiece so he can't empty it). Blowdry hair same way, timed to coincide with Teletubbies! I ignore any grizzling or trouser pulling as job only takes 10mins.

Food: Eat at same time, while he's strapped into highchair. If he tries to snatch yours say 'no that's my toast, yours is here' and don't give in.

Folding laundry: Do it high up eg on kitchen worktop.

Nappy changes: Pin down gently with leg. Mine jumps up and spreads poo everywhere if not pinned down.

Clothes: Do in a corner so you're not chasing round and round the room. I sing to drown out the screeching (he hates getting dressed).

Discovery basket in each room helps (random stuff like hair-doughnut, muslins, odd socks, empty boxes, bottle of body lotion, ball of wrapping paper). Rotate daily.

Locks on everything (even our bedroom wardrobes, drawers, shoe cupboard etc have child-locks or he empties them in seconds!)

[CheeseCrackersAndWine]

Definitely agree it depends on the baby. Our first was so easy, I totally thought I had cracked this whole parenting malarky. She slept all night at 8 weeks, was content to play herself for parts of the day etc... Now no.2 has come along and we haven't slept properly for 15 months and never get much done round the house as she is a VERY high maintenance baby who seems to need constant attention & cuddles. I have just resigned myself to the fact that the standards will have to slip for a few years and as long as the house is reasonably clean & tidy and the kids are clean, fed & happy then that will do for us! I work 4 days and DH works 6 so that probably helps lighten the load as no one around to make mess

[SomewhatIdiosyncratic]

I found it easiest to spend chunks of the day outside the house- at least the state of the house wasn't getting worse then! Having outside as a stimulus was also less mind numbing than being in the house.

I went back to work for a couple of years when DS2 was around the toddler years. I'm in SAHM mode again now he has nursery hours. It's so much better when they're out

[Zarachristmas]

Hi, I am still reading so haven't disappeared.

I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one.

I think I just read into things too much sometimes. This thread is reassuring.

I'll be reading back some of the tips to help make life easier.

It's just hard sometimes when you're home all day and other people seem to make it look so easy.

[5madthings]

It depends on the baby, mine have all varied.


unwrapped you say you put your toddler in playpen for ten minutes time out. You do know they recommend no more than a minute per year of age for time out. Ten minutes is an eternity to a toddler. If I had left mine to have time out for that length of time they would have screamed until they were sick.

I don't have space for playpen bit have a gate on kitchen and if needed strap in high chair whilst O do stuff in kitchen. I involve them in what I am doing, try to do stuff when they nap bit ds5 will only sleep on me so that doesn't work well. If he falls asleep in bike trailer or pushchair I can leave him in front garden whilst I wash up etc.

Life with young children is relentless at times, I have a dh who does his fair share and older kids expected to pitch in as well but the first year to 18mths is hard but it's also only a short time, I know it sounds trite it don't sweat the small stuff and enjoy them. Xx

[minipie]

Totally depends on the child.

DD1 was as you describe. High maintenance and quite grumpy if not actively entertained.

DD2 can be ignored entertain herself for ages and is generally a very happy, content girl.

If she'd been my first I might have been one of those "don't know what all the fuss is about" types. Luckily having DD1 saved me from being smug

[5madthings]

Exactly mini my eldest was a high maintenance baby it was a good day if I showered and got washing up done. I lived on those microwave porridge sachets and the tortellini you could boil in two minutes. Ds2 was a much easier baby but harder work as he got older. Numbers 3, 4 and 5 were a mix and baby 6 is 8 mths old, he is quite a cheerful baby and will play but needs to be watched,crawling,climbing and into everything. And sleeping he needs me/boob. Luckily we all pitch in in this house, it's not all on me!

[BantyCustards]

YANBH - J just wish my ex hadn't been so U

[Unwrapped]

unwrapped you say you put your toddler in playpen for ten minutes time out. You do know they recommend no more than a minute per year of age for time out. Ten minutes is an eternity to a toddler. If I had left mine to have time out for that length of time they would have screamed until they were sick

Really? I wonder if time-out means the same thing to us? For me it's just putting him in playpen/travel-cot with some toys, I don't ignore him or leave the room. He does protest sometimes but usually settles to playing after a few mins of crying. Sometimes I put him in if he's overexcited and needs to calm down (e.g. If he's running around banging into things) or if he keeps doing something he knows is not allowed (e.g. pulling at cables/climbing up lamp-stand/chasing the cat). If you don't believe in using a play-pen for short periods, how do you shower/go to the loo/answer the door/mop floors/unload dishwasher etc?

[kilmuir]

Let him scream when you have a shower. Too much pandering

[Mammylamb]

Glad you posted this, as I've been wondering too. For my entire mat leave, the agreement was that I look after ds all day. Housework gets done at night while dh looks after ds. We did shared parental leave and when dh was off work we did it vice versa. Even back at work, I can't understand how sahm with small babies get anything done. Our boy requires constant attention!!

[5madthings]

Time out would mean putting them in a playpen, sitting them on a bottom step etc whatever but not with toys to play with.... That kind of defies the point of time out though it's not a behaviour system I have ever used tbh.

No no playpen never had space and don't much like them. I tend to get up before baby and shower or else they come in with me when big enough, or sat in bouncy chair in bathroom when little.

We don't have a dishwasher, we wash up and I don't need hum in a playpen to do that. I used a sling a lot when little, as they get bigger they Potter where I am so baby will be in kitchen with something suitable plastic cup, spoons or such to play with whilst I was up.or he may sit in high chair if I am mopping floors etc, I tend to mop floors last thing in eve once everyone has gone to bed or just before we all go out.... At least they stay clean a while then!

Little babies tiddler who don't know what is naughty ie won't remember from one minute to next I go with distract and remove them from situation. Praise good stuff, distract away from stuff like cables. If I answer the door he comes with me. I have never felt the need for a playpen, I can see they have their uses but I haven't needed one. Kids from 17 down to 8mths. Have lived in a variety of houses in that time and had five kids fairly close together then a gap to current baby, if anything it's slightly harder now as older kids obviously have lots of stuff that baby can't get but a playpen isn't a necessity.

It does sound like time out means something different to you btw, time out is a fairly well known behaviour/punishment system with recommendation of min per year. And tends to be something to start at two plus? It sounds like you just use playpen as a way of getting him away from stuff like cat or containment etc which is fine but isn't what I would think of as time out where you sit them out, explain why and the the idea is to ignore them/give them time to think etc.

[Zarachristmas]

I do let him scream while I have a shower, but it isn't just a shower. It's showering, cooking, tidying, cleaning and everything else.

To be honest his screaming drives me to distraction, like I can't concentrate on cooking a meal while ds is screaming. It's very, very loud, he ends up coughing and sometimes even making himself sick, nose streaming, then wiping it everywhere, then he's too upset to eat. You just can't simply ignore that. Well I can't anyway.

I don't pander to him but I think it's one of those things you can't understand unless you have a baby like that.

I do get things done, but not to a high standard, I do the basics I guess. It's just when I read on other threads how you should be able to get so much done, been home all day and so on.

[smilingsarahb]

My eldest was an incredibly active and demanding child, who slept badly at night and dropped day time naps pretty young. They only lasted 40 mins when he did have them. (He is an amazing lovely 8 year old now and now I can harness his enthusiasm for life, he cooks, cleans, digs the garden, paints, programmes, does sports) and I found it hard to get anything done. He basically had to be outdoors all the time and we didn't have a garden and he didn't watch TV. It held no interest at all for him. I remember when I was expecting my second and I asked some friends how they got a chance to sit down for the 30 mins it took to feed every 3 hours or so. They all said 'that's what TVs for' I still remember thinking how on earth would that help. My second just sat contentedly and napped loads and he still does now. It's amazing how different children are.

[user1471545174]

Being in a playpen isn't "time out" - what an idea.

Unwrapped is doing this properly.