Friend criticising parenting?

[Bigbertha123]

Don't know if I'm just being unreasonable and oversensitive, but was visiting my best friend who's just had a baby. She also had a five year old girl. The new baby was premature and recently out of hospital and I've dropped things numerous times, to help her with things such as childcare, apppintments and shopping etc.

My baby is 14 months old and when we were visiting she was due her lunch. I was feeding her in my friends high chair in her kitchen and gave her something she'd never tried before. Her reaction was to spit it out into her hand and throw it on the table. I didn't think this was a big deal, it was less than a spoonful of food and was onto a wipe clean table. I jokingly said that she would be reminding my friend what it was like to have a toddler. she quickly replied that her five year old had never thrown food when she was a toddler. I was surprised and asked,"really? She never threw food?" She then said, "she wasn't allowed to."

This really hurt and does not seem like a big deal, but I felt it was a direct dig, as if I was lacking discipline for my baby. I was hurt and replied, well neither is she, but that's what babies do. She said again, that hers didn't and that had never once thrown food?!? WTF?!

She did lots of things with her lg when she was a baby that I disagreed with and would never do, but I never once said a thing as that was her choice. Examples include, putting her in her own room at 5 days old so she got a better sleep, having her stay at her grandmas every Friday and Saturday night since she the first weekend she was born, so she could have free time, pureeing her food until she was 4, refusing input from a physio recommended by her nursery as she didn't think it was necessary and giving her fizzy juice and hard boiled sweets from two years old. I disagreed with all of this, but never once commented as I don't see this as my business.

My baby is 14 months and no one has made me feel the way she did. I know I'm probably being completely over sensitive, but felt it was a dig at my baby's behaviour and my (lack of) parenting skills.

[ProudBadMum]

Puréed her food til she was 4 but let her have hard sweets at 2?

[The80sweregreat]

Why all this judging from other parents all the time? All children are different , but I agree she is doing the whole 'blocking out the bad times'. I always sympathise when I hear crying babies anywhere and try not to judge, been there myself and I do remember , although mine are 20s now. Its hard being a parent and having people digging at you isn't helpful. try to move on, but sometimes we have to drop people in life if they make ours harder than it needs to be!!

[TheAnswerIsYes]

You know her best to know whether it was a dig or not. This is the sort of thing I would say to my friends as my child never threw food and I hope they know me well enough to know that it wasn't a criticism of their parents just a fact about my little boy.

I am now worried that I may have come across smug though. My boy was always well behaved, could be reasoned with and I could count the amount of tantrums he ever had on one hand. I never babyproofed and I remember someone asking how I stop my 1.5yo touching everything and I replied that I just tell him 'No'. She could see that DS listened so I am hoping that she didn't take it as a dig. Actually she can't off as we are still friends now the children are 5yo.

Just because someone comments that they do things differently to you doesn't mean they are saying you are rubbish. TBH I think you are being quite mean and judgey about her.

[MrsWhiteWash]

she quickly replied that her five year old had never thrown food when she was a toddler. I was surprised and asked,"really? She never threw food?" She then said, "she wasn't allowed to."

MIL said thing like this - mixture or rose tinted glasses and just not letting her child feed them selves - spoon feeding then feeding with forks till quite old.

She tired it with one of mine - ignored all his grabbing for spoon then ignored all his I'm full and kept shovelling in - I did try and intervene but was dealing with baby and cooking dinner and expected DH to rein her in - he was sick almost immediately apparently that was normal .

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

My baby didn't throw food either, he passed it to me when he didn't want it anymore. I, of course, take this as a sign that I am a fabulous mother

I ignore all other behaviors that are t quite so wonderful and in no way let them get in the way of my wonderful ness... sadly he is older now and it's far harder to keep up the pretense, if even to myself.

Bugger. Could it be that I'm, err, rather more normal than I'd like to believe?!

Let it glide over you. If you cannot accept that your parenting styles and ideas are so different, then give yourself a bit of room so you can move away from the you- judge-her-judging-you dynamic. Life's too short!

[1AngelicFruitCake]

Sounds like her baby didn't make mess because she spoon fed her and so baby wasn't holding the food. People like her really annoy me, the type that look all shocked when you do it a different way. I know people like this who wouldn't let their baby be anything but spoon fed, wouldn't put them on the floor to crawl as much so they didn't make mess etc. Ignore her and enjoy your baby...that grow up too quickly!

[SomewhatIdiosyncratic]

Babies that don't throw food are the minority. Food offers a range of sensory stimulation, so as annoying as the clean-up operation is, the baby gets a benefit from it.
I found puree worse than chunks of food. It was surprising the difference in leverage made by a spoon as it catapults through the air, whereas most solids dropped in a small radius.

I'm sure baby #2 will redress the balance in due course. There's nothing like a younger sibling to make you realise that #1 was a fluke

[drspouse]

My mum claims we never threw food but I think she blanked it out. My DS threw food loads and my DD hardly ever so she may just have been lucky, or if she only gave pureed food it's harder to throw!

[Wolverbamptonwanderer]

Tbf mine never threw food - they really seemed to take to it easily and wouldn't let any go. It's not a behavioural issue.

Sounds like a bitchy comment but she's just had a baby so id probably forget about it

[headinhands]

I had a 'friend' like this. Always found a way of putting me down. Put it down to my sensitivity for way too long. Nowadays I will drop friends who feel the need to sting me.

[emwantsbiscuits]

YANBU all babies throw food / toys even when we tell them not to. They're still learning ffs.

She sounds like hard work. It comes down to whether you feel respected. You've not agreed with her choices but you respected that they were her choices. I'd back off a bit.

[Brewdolf]

I had -several- similar things with an ex friend, except she was the OP role in it. One regarded her DS getting into and demolishing a box of chocolates. She said something to me like she bet I was dreading going through that sort of thing with DC2 to which I replied 'not really, we keep stuff like that well out of the DCs reach'. That got twisted into how much I judged her and how nasty I was denying my DC chocolate. They aren't denied it BTW, I just don't leave it lying around my house because I know my DC will be too tempted by it. I answered her question that was all.

I realised like others are suggesting that it was because she constantly judged me so expected me to be constantly judging her. Despite the fact I was often telling her because of her need for constant validation how well she was doing, which I did mean genuinely. But this is now one of very many reasons why she is not my ex friend.

[Headofthehive55]

I remember looking in horror at some weetabix on my friends skirting board which toddler had thrown. dD1 was a dream to bring up. Didn't cry, not throwing food, we really thought we were the most marvellous parents and we had it all under control.
Our next three removed this thought completely!

[ChristmasTreeCat]

My best mate used to make comments about my youngest (same age as her oldest) saying I should 'just put him in bed' and 'not allow him to get up early'. I just smiled and nodded. My oldest slept through from 12 weeks and has never changed. Ds just isn't interested in sleeping! It's not like I haven't tried. I did find it difficult to keep a smirk off my face when she was bemoaning the fact that her 2nd baby (now almost 1) won't sleep a wink.

In short, if she's a true friend, smile and nod. If she's not worth that, don't see her anymore!

[Bumbleclat]

ugh she sounds so weird!
I have nannied for many babies over the years... THEY ALL THROW FOOD!

Silly woman, I wouldn't be seeing her as much of a 'friend' tbh.

[HaveNoSocks]

YANBU. She sounds judgmental and a bit stupid. If her little girl really never threw food on the ground then it was purely by chance not through her genius parenting. It's totally normal and healthy for a toddler to be experimenting with food, all part of the learning process. She's 14 months not 4!

[fabulous01]

Definitely back of
She sounds off her rocker and life is too short for people like that

[intheknickersoftime]

What a storm in a teacup! You can't discipline a baby as you well know. All babies get in a mess with food. You know this also, that's how they learn. I also agree that this friendship could do with a break. You're getting into tit for tat judginess. Which is a sentence I've never written before!

[BirdInTheRoom]

Her child didn't throw food when she was a toddler because it was puréed!! Forget about the comment - it may or may not have been a dig but don't worry about it. Move on!

[Namechangeemergency]

You sound like you think you are a much better parent than she is and you are outraged that someone like her has the cheek to comment on your parenting (even indirectly)

Also, she has just had a prem baby so is probably feeling a bit wobbly.

You said something trivial to her, she replied with something equally trivial. You then brood on it and draw up a list of things that prove that she is a worse parent than you.

Maybe you need a break from this friendship? Not a complete one but perhaps a step back.

[SoupDragon]

You asked. She replied.

You felt criticised, she didn't criticise you.

OTOH, you've critised her on a large public forum.

[Trifleorbust]

Simple statement about her own parenting, not yours. You have to read in an implied criticism and I think that may or may not have been there.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

The thread title is a bit misleading. She didn't criticise your parenting at all.

She may have judged it. But you've provided rather a litany of judgements about her parenting, so I'd be inclined to be more charitable about a silly (probably) offhand comment.

[user1480946351]

I agree with a pp, you're so used to judging her in your head that you think she is doing it to you. And even if she is, well, its no more than you do her, so whats the difference?

[Bigbertha123]

I wasn't upset at her saying her dd never threw food, this is a silly statement that I didn't feel was directed at me in any way. The comment that I felt was a dig was the way she said "she wasn't allowed to". As if I was letting my child run amok.