AIBU to have just gone NC with parents..... crying and shaking with rage

[Dunkling]

Have just this second finally made the decision after decades, to go NC. Have deleted them from Facebook.

So as not to dripfeed though I have mentioned them before on here.....

Parents separated when I was nearly 2, brother 4, and Dad got us as Mum ran off with another man. Contact with her is cards only.

He threw us out when I was 2 and we went to live with grandparents as his new wife didn't want us.
We went back to live with him on my request when I was 13. It lasted a year.... brother thrown out and put into squalid flat at 17. I was thrown out and put into care at 14.
During that year I was verbally, emotionally and mentally abused by our stepmum. I was told know one would ever love me, I was worthless, I would end up in a mental home, likened to myra Hindley and ian bradey?????? It was bizarre and at least something I can now see was HER problem and not us. I was thrown out in the snow in my nightware. Dragged around a room by my hair. This was all her, but he watched it all and said nothing. Sat in silence.

The day I was thrown out, he told me to pack (what had I done this time? I had no idea). Within half an hour we were in his car, and he dropped me outside my mums, who I didn't know, in an area I didn't know, and left me and my belongings in the road and drove off.

Contact since has been sparse...... they divorced but over other relationships, he has still barely kept in touch, sometimes going years without seeing him. Round robin emails. cards etc.

Fast forward, he remarried. She looked like this could be the solution. Lots of mending mentioned etc. I bought a holiday home close to them to help with my depression and anxiety and I thought this would be the solution. One season in and I realised what a waste of money!!..... We would make arrangements for our next visit but they would cancel us when it came around, as they would have bumped us off for her family (who were at instant contact as all local to them). We would invite them out, but again, always busy with her family. Invite them around for a meal... the same.

I decided to cut our losses and sold up. Since...... and abusive sweary rant off her daughter on facebook messanger. PA posts from the wife blatantly aimed at me. My daughter hates my dad as he has barely seen them, never been a grandparent. I told him this... finally!! He called me a liar, said I always cancelled. I told him he was full of shit. I cancelled ONCE! He never visited them, emailed them, phoned them. That felt good!! Then she posted lots of PA posts on liars.

SO....... I became a grandmother and have posted photo on photo, and lovely posts at how proud I am. No comments from them. No joining in. Then today..... a post "They have visited all the family, had such fun etc etc. Seen all kids, grandkids, new great grandbaby (the one they haven't even acknowledged to me I have!).... Sorry to extended family if they didn't visit." This visit takes them past our house en route.

I can't get my head........ do they not see us as family? So an oversight. Do they and this was a cruel cruel deliberate post? Just..... WHY????

And so that was it... I unfriended them both and that is it. They are dead to me.

[Namechangeemergency]

You know that this is not about you?
You have done nothing to deserve this treatment from your parents or step parents.
You didn't make this happen.

Your mum and dad are inadequate and your father is clearly attracted to/attracts inadequate women

None of what they are doing is normal or acceptable.

You have won because you have got away and have your own family.

Go NC and BLOCK them. Don't be tempted to check what they are up to. Just block them and ignore them.

You are better than them

[Bambambini]

Take control and they won't be able to keep hurting you and letting you down. You can't change them - only how you deal with them - so you take control.

Have a lovely Christmas with those that love and care about you.

[Timeforausernamechange]

YANBU. You have already made more effort than they deserve. I am trying to pluck up the courage to do te same with my Dad. For much lesser reasons.

I still haven't done it because of the comments of "but he's your dad" " he doesn't do it on purpose" "but what about the DCs" etc. Only my sister - who knows exactly what he is like has not tried to dissuade me.

i think only people who really experienced the effects of these kind of parents can really understand it. You were a child and this was never your fault. I also know that it can take so many years for you to recover enough from this kind of childhood to be strong enough to make and stand by this decision.

Enjoy your own family and have a lovely Christmas.

[Newbrummie]

History always gets rewritten, always. You should hear the crap my parents told me about each other. Beyond ridiculous, but what happens in the end is that you look at the person you see before you as an adult and make your judgement from that. All any of us can do

[Aeroflotgirl]

Poor you, I would have cut all contact with them, when your dad kicked you out at 14. They are toxic and nasty, and don't deserve a place in your or your children's lives. You would be much happier without them, cut, block and delete them from your lives. They are not the parents you wish they could be.

[LeninaCrowne]

Whats telling is that they said that they visited "all the family", but actually passed your house and didn't even let you know they were near.

Your Dad is fucked up and doesn't regard you as family, only a scapegoat.

I would block them too, if they are still friends any of your friends then they can see your posts.
Just fuck'em

[Meemolly]

I'm so sorry you have been through all of this and now this social media stuff too. You must be extremely hurt (understandably) and now you must focus on what you need for yourself. Detaching from them sounds like the first step in perhaps a completely new path for you. Don't let the rest of your life be about them, let them go. This is your time now.

[Daisyfrumps]

Have you blocked as well as unfriended them Dunkling ?

[Notonthestairs]

Agree with all the comments above. you can't change them. It doesn't matter how good you are, how much you try, how much thought you put in to mending your relationship. It's never going to be about you - it's their failings and they don't recognise what they have done/are continuing to do.
I watched my mother run herself ragged trying to hold on to her parents and the flip flop of their love.
Imagine a friend telling you everything you've told us - you'd tell her to walk away from them, let your anger go if you can (counselling will help) and focus on those you love and who love you.

[PossumInAPearTree]

You have to accept that they probably will tell people bullshit about the reasons. I'm NC with my mother and I know she will have told distant relations and her friends a load of bollocks about why. Hell, she probably believes it.

I am not prepared to get into it with these people. If they think badly of me so be it, I don't care. If they were people I should care about they could come to me and talk to me. People who know me well will know the truth.

I just don't give it any head space and concentrate on dd, dh , my brother, my friends.

Good luck. NC is the best thing I ever did.

[glitterlips1]

They sound poison, I would definitely cut them out and I have had to do this in the past with family who bring me down. I am a much happier person for doing it. I would focus on my own family and grandchildren.

[Bluntness100]

Having come from a shit childhood myself I can honestly say the only way forward is to stop giving so much energy and time to this, it's not healthy. You need to focus on your own family and fill your life with what makes you happy, you have lots of blessings so why focus on this negativity?

Maybe some councilling will help as you need to be able to draw a line under this and focus on the good stuff.

[DJBaggySmalls]

You wont regret it. Its not hard, in facts it gets easier. You will no longer be trying to achieve the impossible - to please people that wont be pleased, to make them want you or be decent. They cant.
If people ask I say I went NC because they abused and neglected me in every sense, and went on to start on my son, and thats where I drew the line.

Make your own family, and move on. You will be the first generation in a healthy, loving family

[Aeroflotgirl]

You have made a lovely life for yourself, and are the mum, to your chikdren that your mum and dad was never to you and you sound like a living and fantastic grandma. This is the only fami,y that should matter to you. The rest are failures, they are pure poison, it's telling what your dad has said, you are not family to him. Delete them forever, your lovely chikdren and grandchildren are what matter now.

[lyricaldancer]

You can't expect any good from them/him given the past history. But you have tried, you gave him a second chance and he reverted back to type. Going no contact would seem like the sensible and only choice here. Good luck!

[Bunnyfuller]

If you can't link up with them other than through FB....that's so telling. They sound awful, but blocking them on FB is not going NC. Blocking them from your life is NC. FB isn't the measure of a relationship, and deleting a 'friend' on FB isn't the ultimate rejection.....and it baffles me how much importance they give to 'deleting/blocking on FB'. As you've seen people use it as a place to brag/snub/be PA or argue. And this has not helped you with this toxic relationship. Forgive me, but it sounds like there's a lot of growing up to be done all round, and a change of focus from FB to RL.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

The big question is why you ever tried to forge a relationship with people who were so abusive to you in childhood. And why would you want your own precious children and grandchildren to come within feet of them?

Your father in particular sounds so unlikeable. No redeeming features at all. Why would you seek him out and try and manufacture a relationship? It makes me scratch my head.

I can't understand why this Facebook post appears to have been the final straw. Surely there are thousands of final straws in your history?

Make a decision and stick with it. They are not good parents to you and never will be. Forget them.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I more or less cross posted with Bunny there.

[Dunkling]

Bunny you are right. To be fair though, my reference to going NC meant all round, not just FB, and my reference to Facebook was because of that final post. I barely use the site, seldom post, and haven't responded to any of the posts aimed at me.

Bibbity, That post was the final straw because it was a public snub. A deliberate snub. Had it not been posted I would have had no idea. I've come across being missed out, by accident, many times, but doing THIS, this time, was a deliberate mind game. And THAT, is beyond cruel, rather than unthinking, unloving or uncaring.

So it's not at all about Facebook, but it just happens to be where I saw the straw that broke the camels back.

[Boolovessulley]

Block them all, remove yourself from face book if it helps.
Block their phone numbers etc.
Return any mail without opening it.
Eventually things will improve.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Look at today, as the first day of a new life, without those toxic influences. Year year, new start

[BiscuitCapitalOfTheWorld]

Ok so...

You've done the right thing.

It's not you it's them.

Your life will be better now- you will have more space for better people.

You really can walk away knowing you went above and beyond the call of duty, you have no need for any "what ifs?"

I am NC with my dad for strikingly similar reasons. Estranged as a child, tried to re-establish relationship as an adult as I was a bit tormented by the past. Saw enough to realise it would never change and I would need to be an extreme masochist to even countenance being en famille with him. Was able to walk away knowing I had tried my best, then made a decision as an adult. Not tormented by the what ifs now. It is better. And life as a whole is better.

You are doing the right thing.

[BiscuitCapitalOfTheWorld]

Oh and

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING

[BiscuitCapitalOfTheWorld]

Did I mention that

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING

[BiscuitCapitalOfTheWorld]

In case there is any doubt

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING