To wonder if anyone else can beat this example of ridiculous criticism of parenting

[SEmyarse]

Dm, is always of the opinion that since I'm female I should be doing ALL childcare and ALL housework.

She is fully aware that I work 40-60 hours per week, and dh works 12. She doesn't object to this, in fact thinks its great that I take the pressure off him, BUT this should not mean that I neglect my duties. She's permanently shocked that this means I don't take dd2 to school, and on the occasions its come up in conversation has expressed dismal that dd2 has to get herslf up and walk herself. This isn't what happens, dh gets her up and out of the house, and to school. She gets told, but it doesn't appear to register.

Again, if its mentioned that I've not been home from work till 7 she'll express dismay that they'll have to live on toast and biscuits. No mother, dh cooks for them and always does a plate for me for when I get in. Why wouldn't he? He's here! And then she mutters that its such a shame a man not getting a hot meal provided at the end of a long day.

I was speaking to her yesterday, and somehow it was mentioned that I leave the house at the same time as dd1 in the mornings. The response? 'Oh, at least you can have some contact with your children'. Hey? ' Yes that means you can give dd1 a lift to school' Mother, you know she catches the bus, in the opposite direction to my work. 'Oh, but if you would put yourself out a bit, you could give her a lift.'

So as usual I take the bait and get annoyed when she won't listen to reason that either we would have to leave crazy early, or be late for work, and anyway there's NO NEED, since there's a free school bus going directly there. But no apparently I'm prioritising money (free bus) and work over my children. Grrrrrrrr

[rumpelstiltskin43]

Just tell them that the 1950s called and want them back.

[ROSY2016]

I can't believe this attitude in English culture. Normally most of the Asian MIL has this attitude men are superior than woman, so woman has to do all the house work and even they have to give the cup of tea in their hands with obedience and politeness.

[Lesley1980]

Why isn't she criticising your husband? If she expects a traditional role from you then why isn't he getting it too? Surely if he worked more than 12 hours per week & earned a fortune you could stay at home & be the woman she thinks you should be? It's his fault.

[MargaretCavendish]

Are you sure she's not envious of you? The green-eyed monster's best tactic is to be most critical of the thing most envied. Your independence generally, your financial independence, the fair sharing of tasks in your relationship - some or all of the things she would have liked?

Yes, I think this, and the defensiveness that comes from having undergone something unpleasant yourself. See initiation ceremonies, or the way that some older women uphold slut-shaming. There is nothing more galling that seeing other people get what you have (in this case, children, a husband and a good relationship with them) without making the sacrifices you did for it.

[MistressMerryWeather]

Have you tried shouting 'SHUT THE FUCK UP' at the top of your lungs every time she says these ridiculous, offensive things?

Try it.

You poor, long-suffering woman.

[Brewdolf]

I get this to a lesser extent from my own parents. I am the SAHM parent so I do most of it. But today DH is on leave, he has told me to eff off the gym if I want and then to take a leisurely bath etc., has handled both school runs and has fed the kids. He's actually enjoyed it largely because he has sat on his arse doing nothing whilst they're at school . Yet my parents phoned me today and are aghast at the situation. I'm suddenly this slattern. Nothing DH says makes them think otherwise. Recently I've begun to wonder if we're from different millennia.

Massive sympathy op

[Permanentlyexhausted]

It's jealousy. You've been able to continue your career as well as having a family. I bet she wasn't able to, was she. So she looks back at what she did when she was at your stage of life and criticises you for not doing it the same to make herself feel better.

[DontTouchTheMoustache]

Nightmare

[SEmyarse]

I think it's riling me especially at the mo since my brother's wife has just had their first child, and db can do no wrong. Apparently its AMAZING that he reads to her every night, but she's very pleased that he's sleeping in the spare room every night 'men's brains aren't programmed to deal with crying, he'll just get overtired!'

She knows I lost a work contract (self employed) in October, but didn't try to replace it until after xmas silliness. So it came up in convo, and I mentioned the 3 different options I had. 'Oh, but you don't really need anything else, do you?' Well yes, yes I do, either myself or dh will have to work more because otherwise I'll be down to about 25 hours by February. And since I love my work and dh hates his, AND I've got offers it kind of makes sense for me to take one.

She asked me what on earth I was going to do with all that money! Well err, pay the rent? Which initiates a convo about how fantastic it is that db has such commitment that he took out a mortgage. I don't actually know how they did it, since he only works part time and so did she before maternity, so I have very strong suspicions that she is helping them out rather a lot with that.

[Whatsername17]

You need to have a standard response. Something like 'this again Mother? I thought you'd finally worked out it was 2016 not 1916'. Then change the subject.

[NiceFalafels]

Challenge her?

Ask your mum how on earth they can afford a mortgage with such little income?

Ask how are you expected to feed the children and pay the bills if you don't earn?

Ask her why she's so sexist

Ask her why she doesn't understand when you have repeated things over and over again.

Finally. Tell her you're not going to discuss any of these issues with her as she doesn't listen and is sexist. Repeat each time she raises something.

[NiceFalafels]

Saying 'it's 2016 and not 1816' every time is great.

[KERALA1]

My lovely friend has a dreadful mother. Don't see her the mother now thankfully but remember when my friend ended it with a long term boyfriend (great decision he was a dull miserable mean git) her mother exclaimed to me in horrified tone " single at 27! Can you imagine" err yes I was single and 27 as she knew full well.

[Mindtrope]

I think you have to ask why this bothers you so much.

My mother is stuck in the 50s, a lot of what I do is wrong top her, but I let it wash over me. I don't need her approval, I don't want to waste energy trying to change her so I smile, nod and ignore.

OP there are 3 solutions here:

1. Reduce contact ( which may be sad if she is a positive agent in other ways)
   
2. Try to change her mind ( which may prove impossible)
   
3. Don't let this bother you.
   

I would suggest option 3. If you are happy with your family choices and realise that you are also happy without her approval then her criticism will cease to annoy you.

[mummyharvey]

YANBU. DH has a woman he works with who thinks the same way about me.

[SomethingLikeFlying]

My dp's mum thinks he shouldn't have to lift a finger when he's at home. He works Mon-Fri 37 hours a week and I stay at home with the toddlers (for now).
So when he gets home, in her eyes that should be it. Feet up and me run around after him like his little maid. He shouldn't have to chip in at all and weekends are his time to rest He works in a call centre it's not like he's been doing hard graft all week, and in my opinion when we're both at home we share the jobs. Otherwise he gets 2 days off a week and all evenings off and I work 24/7. That's how his mum thinks it should be though and I don't get it- is it punishment for me not working for an employer?

Of course, dp does chip in and he even made tea the other night after work because I hadn't had time to do it on that particular day. His mother would have fallen off her chair if she knew!
Dp does have his moments though when he's in a bad mood and will have a moan at me if the house isn't "perfect" when he gets home. 🙄 like I've just been sat in my arse all day.

[HaveNoSocks]

Littlepleasures

you should see her house. Never moves the furniture when she's vacuuming..........

Well that told you - bet you don't admire her any more in light of that revelation!

[LooksBetterWithAFilter]

My mum is a bit like that. She has suggested only half joking that I am on my second marriage because I never ironed enough shirts. She is shocked that if dh comes in from work and I'm on the phone to her I don't immediately get off the phone and greet him and feed him. The irony is my dad is not at all like that. When we were growing up she worked and sometimes shifts he did a lot of the cooking and cleaning. He is the better cook and does most of it and will call me sometimes saying I've got loads of eggs I'm making a quiche fancy lunch?
She will have a fit in a few years when dh and I swap roles when ds2 is a bit older and I've finished studying and retraining. Dh is far more suited to being at home so he will change jobs or cut his hours and I will work longer hours for more money than he earns.

[awayinamazda]

Not a DM, but there used to be a woman who washed hair and swept up in the hairdressers, who regularly told me that having a young baby AND a job didn't excuse not 'making enough effort' for my DH...She meant doing something with my hair other than have it neat and clean, and wearing nail polish. She was very persistent - I once said I preferred to be caring for my baby rather than waiting for nail polish to dry when I was with DC, and she said I'd likely not 'hold onto' my DH with that attitude!
Eventually I tuned her out and ignored her (which felt rude!), but I'm still amazed that even strangers feel the need to tell women that their role should be to serve and please men, above anything else!

[coldcanary]

Mil gave me loads of criticism when our older 2 were little because apparently I was 'too wilful' to listen to her excellent advice (like brandy on my nipples to encourage them to breastfeed ). Her worst was reserved for a liyuan friend of mine and SIL though. She had 3 children by the age of 17 and went on to have 2 more, went back to college, got great grades and eventually a couple of years ago got a degree. In fact she graduated at the same time as her eldest child and posted a gorgeous pic of them both with their certificates on FB. SIL isn't on FB so I showed her the picture and mentioned that her twins were also at the same Uni. MIL's comment was 'well if she's only your age I'd be too ashamed to tell anyone I got knocked up so young. Why would she tell anyone?'
I just gaped at her for a minute then said that if I'd spent my life being judged for getting pg young and made such a success out of raising great kids on my own I'd take an advert out in the bloody Times

[BeetlebumShesAGun]

I get this. My lovely MiL who helps us out both financially and with childcare even when she lives 2 hours away, often says "but I wouldn't need to if you gave up work, I suppose it was different in my day, my first day back at work was my DC2's first day of school, can't you take a break until DD2 starts"

She doesn't realise that almost 30 years ago it was a lot easier to live off one income. I don't know where she thinks my half of the mortgage and bills would come from if I gave up work!

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I think she knows way too much about your life op. Put a little distance between you. My dad had your mum's attitude and I just couldn't get along with him because of it. You don't have to spend time with people you vehemently disagree with just because they're family.

[Italiangreyhound]

OP you should just go broken record, explain in a bored voice why you do things and say 'but you know that mum". Then next time say. " I told you this before."

Then switch off and not engage again on the topic. Don'yet it bother you.

Unless for you personally it I'd s problem you work do much more outside the home than your dh.

[carabos]

Ex MiL was like this. When I told her that I had to work away overnight on a regular basis because I was the main earner she said she didn't believe me .

[Italiangreyhound]

Ps OP you sound like you work really hard and if you enjoy your job, that is great but I hope you look after yourself too.