To wonder if anyone else can beat this example of ridiculous criticism of parenting

[SEmyarse]

Dm, is always of the opinion that since I'm female I should be doing ALL childcare and ALL housework.

She is fully aware that I work 40-60 hours per week, and dh works 12. She doesn't object to this, in fact thinks its great that I take the pressure off him, BUT this should not mean that I neglect my duties. She's permanently shocked that this means I don't take dd2 to school, and on the occasions its come up in conversation has expressed dismal that dd2 has to get herslf up and walk herself. This isn't what happens, dh gets her up and out of the house, and to school. She gets told, but it doesn't appear to register.

Again, if its mentioned that I've not been home from work till 7 she'll express dismay that they'll have to live on toast and biscuits. No mother, dh cooks for them and always does a plate for me for when I get in. Why wouldn't he? He's here! And then she mutters that its such a shame a man not getting a hot meal provided at the end of a long day.

I was speaking to her yesterday, and somehow it was mentioned that I leave the house at the same time as dd1 in the mornings. The response? 'Oh, at least you can have some contact with your children'. Hey? ' Yes that means you can give dd1 a lift to school' Mother, you know she catches the bus, in the opposite direction to my work. 'Oh, but if you would put yourself out a bit, you could give her a lift.'

So as usual I take the bait and get annoyed when she won't listen to reason that either we would have to leave crazy early, or be late for work, and anyway there's NO NEED, since there's a free school bus going directly there. But no apparently I'm prioritising money (free bus) and work over my children. Grrrrrrrr

[SEmyarse]

I only speak to her every couple of months tbh. We live 250 miles apart.
But it sends me bananas that she'll always manages to turn every conversation around to my failings.

She'd phoned this time to tell me of the arrangements for my great aunt's funeral. She was a lovely woman that I remember form my childhood, but I've not seen her about 25 years, and its not possible to get the time off work only a few days before xmas. Otherwise I would have attended.
Of course that brought the conversation around to my work (and dh's, since its a Weds, the only day we both work).

I have vaguely probed about my db's mysterious mortgage (for a large 3 bed house, much nicer than my rented one), and all she said was that she was so proud that he'd saved up a whole grand for the deposit. Admittedly they're in a much cheaper area than me, but still!! I stay off the subject of his house when possible, but she keeps trying to tell me about the new kitchen they're having fitted, and extension they're planning.

It's not my business, but it is galling. I'm in social housing after homelessness (years ago). I'm very proud that I can now pay the rent, and get no tax credits etc, which I needed for many years, and I've worked hard for it. I wish she wouldn't insist on telling me every time my brother wipes his arse, that he should have a medal, when he gets everything on a plate.

[TiredMumToTwo]

My parents, my ex-MIL and my new in-laws are all like this. I have a good job which has at times meant long hours, long commutes and traveling. I've had comments about my ex shouldn't have had to iron his own shirts, I have been lax on my womanly duties, I should stay with my lazy arse of an ex because I was so lucky he cooks and finally my FIL asking me about "my little job" whilst spending an hour listening to DH wax lyrical about his big important job and career prospects - we do the exact same job!!!

[glitterandtinsel]

Stop telling her stuff and keep conversation to the weather or the equivalent. She's using information to have a go at you.

[RortyCrankle]

She sounds infuriating.

I would tell her that you will be making an appointment to take her to see her doctor. When she asks why, say that since she appears incapable of understanding that you work three times as many hours as your DH and he is capable of looking after your DC, she is obviously at the onset of dementia and you want to discuss nursing home options with her doctor. That should sort her out.

[KatsutheChristmasOctopus]

My aunt would exclaim "poor DH" if I handed baby DS over to him even for a second when he got home from work. Even when I was post c section and still on strong antibiotics following a brush with sepsis.

[AlpacaPicnic]

Could you start playing the 'opposite game' - like mention something that you've done but say your DH did it, after she's responded with praise, you could tinkly laugh 'oh silly me, I meant I did that, not DH!' And vice versa...

Or just squirt her in the face with a squirty bottle and say NO firmly, like you do with kittens that you are trying to train.

[HardLightHologram]

My mum sometimes has these tendencies. Like asking how dh is going to cope when I went away for the weekend. He does as much parenting, cooking and cleaning as I do!

In the same vein it's me that gets nagged about not keeping the house tidy enough, and not ironing.

I just laugh at her now. She's generally well meaning.

[ILoveDolly]

Try to ignore her. Those views were outdated when she was a young woman. I can't imagine why she persists

[Myrobalanna]

She constantly tells herself a story about you that doesn't reflect reality at all. I can't imagine why you spend time with her or tell her anything about your life.

In all seriousness, I'm very sorry that you have to deal with this at all. It sounds absolutely soul-destroying.

[YelloDraw]

Wow I'd think I would have to tell her to fuck off

[CauliflowerSqueeze]

OP - I think really probe about her son's mortgage as a pp said. "On a part time wage, I can't understand the lender agreeing"
Of course she bloody well subsidised him!

[kaitlinktm]

If she thinks you are such a shit mum and wife, tell her it must be because of your poor upbringing.

[Brewdolf]

Not much different to the women on another thread insisting if "we" left Christmas to "men" christmas just wouldn't happen.

I just snapped at DH today in the supermarket as he'd put down 'present for neighbours' on the list and then expected me to come up with an idea. I'm full of cold at the moment and told him he'd added it to the list and today I can't handle doing the thinking . No present has been bought of course.

[netflixandsleep]

I'm a SAHM (firstly through circumstances, now through choice). On the very rare occasions I go out child free and my DP looks after our son MIL goes on and on about how well he did looking after him... I can't help but laugh but she still says it every time.

[reallyanotherone]

Not much different to the women on another thread insisting if "we" left Christmas to "men" christmas just wouldn't happen.

And presumably that's not a generational thing. That's women in their 20's and 30's.

It still seems deeply entrenched that men aren't physically capable of "wifework".

[JellyBelli]

It sounds like she is playing Golden child and Scapegoat.

[carabos]

What I don't understand here is how many of these women have 1950s attitudes when they are people who probably grew up in the 60s when women were becoming much more liberated (for want of a better word).

I'm 53 and my ex MiL did grow up in the post war era, so not unexpected that she would have some old fashioned ideas. I would expect that the DMs and MiLs of today's mums of younger children- those who tend to post on MN - would be more my generation than my MiL's?

[Italiangreyhound]

Ps OP you sound like you work really hard and if you enjoy your job, that is great but I hope you look after yourself too.

[carabos]

Ex MiL was like this. When I told her that I had to work away overnight on a regular basis because I was the main earner she said she didn't believe me .

[Italiangreyhound]

OP you should just go broken record, explain in a bored voice why you do things and say 'but you know that mum". Then next time say. " I told you this before."

Then switch off and not engage again on the topic. Don'yet it bother you.

Unless for you personally it I'd s problem you work do much more outside the home than your dh.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I think she knows way too much about your life op. Put a little distance between you. My dad had your mum's attitude and I just couldn't get along with him because of it. You don't have to spend time with people you vehemently disagree with just because they're family.

[BeetlebumShesAGun]

I get this. My lovely MiL who helps us out both financially and with childcare even when she lives 2 hours away, often says "but I wouldn't need to if you gave up work, I suppose it was different in my day, my first day back at work was my DC2's first day of school, can't you take a break until DD2 starts"

She doesn't realise that almost 30 years ago it was a lot easier to live off one income. I don't know where she thinks my half of the mortgage and bills would come from if I gave up work!

[coldcanary]

Mil gave me loads of criticism when our older 2 were little because apparently I was 'too wilful' to listen to her excellent advice (like brandy on my nipples to encourage them to breastfeed ). Her worst was reserved for a liyuan friend of mine and SIL though. She had 3 children by the age of 17 and went on to have 2 more, went back to college, got great grades and eventually a couple of years ago got a degree. In fact she graduated at the same time as her eldest child and posted a gorgeous pic of them both with their certificates on FB. SIL isn't on FB so I showed her the picture and mentioned that her twins were also at the same Uni. MIL's comment was 'well if she's only your age I'd be too ashamed to tell anyone I got knocked up so young. Why would she tell anyone?'
I just gaped at her for a minute then said that if I'd spent my life being judged for getting pg young and made such a success out of raising great kids on my own I'd take an advert out in the bloody Times

[awayinamazda]

Not a DM, but there used to be a woman who washed hair and swept up in the hairdressers, who regularly told me that having a young baby AND a job didn't excuse not 'making enough effort' for my DH...She meant doing something with my hair other than have it neat and clean, and wearing nail polish. She was very persistent - I once said I preferred to be caring for my baby rather than waiting for nail polish to dry when I was with DC, and she said I'd likely not 'hold onto' my DH with that attitude!
Eventually I tuned her out and ignored her (which felt rude!), but I'm still amazed that even strangers feel the need to tell women that their role should be to serve and please men, above anything else!

[LooksBetterWithAFilter]

My mum is a bit like that. She has suggested only half joking that I am on my second marriage because I never ironed enough shirts. She is shocked that if dh comes in from work and I'm on the phone to her I don't immediately get off the phone and greet him and feed him. The irony is my dad is not at all like that. When we were growing up she worked and sometimes shifts he did a lot of the cooking and cleaning. He is the better cook and does most of it and will call me sometimes saying I've got loads of eggs I'm making a quiche fancy lunch?
She will have a fit in a few years when dh and I swap roles when ds2 is a bit older and I've finished studying and retraining. Dh is far more suited to being at home so he will change jobs or cut his hours and I will work longer hours for more money than he earns.