To expect help around the house

[user1480348569]

I'm at my wits end with DP and have gotten to the point where i'd rather be on my own. I'm a SAHM with our 1 year old DS and no2 due in Feb. Before this i was a full time student.

On one hand, DP works 40+ hours a week, pays all the bills and cooks our evening meal every night.

On the other hand, he does nothing around the house and complains about having to do certain things with DS. For example, he'll complain about having to do nappy changes when he gets home or having to play with him so i can go do something else, "I've just got in i want to relax", even though theres only about 3 hours between him getting home and DS going to bed, so you'd think he'd want to spend time with him right??

Around the house he doesn't do much at all. He'll take off his trousers in the middle of the living room floor and if i dont pick them up, they will stay there for literally weeks. DP will just step over them. He does this with everything around the house, never really having the consideration to just do things without being asked, and when asked he complains.

I no longer feel like i want to be intimate with him, our sex life has dwindled to nothing and frankly with the inconsideration and unappreciation i feel like i get from him, thats fine by me. Of course he complains about the lack of sex but what does he expect??

He blames the pressure of being the sole breadwinner and being the only one who goes to work for his lack of help. Some days i find this reasonable, on most others i think, he's a grown man who should be more than capable of picking up after himself and sharing the responsibility for our child, soon to be children.

I'm the one always made to feel like i'm just constantly nagging and being unreasonable. Am i????

[JenLindleyShitMom]

With the working parent too!

It doesn't take 2 people to go food shopping.

Indeed, I would assume that's because he chooses to go. If he feels it is a waste of his time he could stay at home with the baby while OP does it or he could do click and collect on his lunch hour and collect on the way home like I suggested.

[ToffeeForEveryone]

I'm so angry I can't count. 6 months?

All still stands.

[formerbabe]

With the working parent too!

It doesn't take 2 people to go food shopping.

I always do the weekly shop on a Friday, so we can enjoy the weekend with as few chores as possible. The shops are also quieter during the week.

[ToffeeForEveryone]

Is everyone else missing the part where OP is home with a 1 year old and is 7 months pregnant?

When I was 7 months gone I felt really really sick, and it got worse over the next 2.5 months. Bending down, smelly cleaning products, anything heavy... Nope. Nope nope nope. And that's without the toddler!

YANBU AT ALL OP. This is a time where he should step up massively and if he doesn't when you are asking for his support then he's a complete arsewipe and a piss poor husband. Paying bills is not half of everything that needs doing and he should be doing more than half whilst you are heavily pregnant.

Buy in some decent ready meals or batch cook and tell him to spend his evenings doing what's actually needed rather than faffing about playing chef.

Also, 3 HOURS before DC go to bed and he's wanting to do as he likes with his evening whilst you deal on your own?! Jog on.

Got some serious rage on your behalf OP.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

Yes they do it together. This means the SAHP is doing it.

[formerbabe]

Oh I got the impression that they do the weekly shop together? I don't understand couples who do the food shopping together. It's a waste of family time.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

Sahp does do the weekly shop. Another poster suggested OP was wasting her partner's time off employed job with weekly shop so I suggest if he finds it a waste of his time he could do it in his lunch break and collect on the way home from work leaving his weekends free. Alternatively he can look after the baby while OP does it and gets some peace from her job.

[formerbabe]

He could do click and collect order in his lunch break at work

Not sure why it is OP wasting his days off. hmm surely he is wasting his own

Personally, I think the sahp should do the weekly shop.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

If the nappy needs changing as he walks in the door then no reason for him not to do it just because it's unpleasant. Plenty of working parents have to change a nappy as soon as they walk through the door. It's called parenting. There are some yucky bits, having a full time job doesn't exempt you from them.

If OP is keeping the nappy specifically for him to change then that is very wrong.

[BackforGood]

If you are home all day with one dc, and he is working 40hrs+ (plus presumably some traveling), then he comes in and cooks the main meal, then I think he's got a point.

When I went back to work when ds was 3 months old (that's all the maternity leave we got then), dh was at home 2 months before ds went to childcare, I wouldn't expect to have to walk in and start cooking every night, tbh, and nor did dh when I was on maternity leave with dc2.
OK, so you need to talk to each other about basic expectations of tidiness, but it seems like you have the better balance at the moment.

[harderandharder2breathe]

He should pick up after himself but he's not doing nothing! He cooks from scratch after a long day at work plus comute.

You shouldn't have to do everything but tbh if you're home all the time and he's working 40+ hours s week, I would expect you to do more of the day to day chores like laundry, hoovering etc

He should spend time with his kids in the evenings but changing s nappy as soon as he walks through the door is s bit much. I'd expect him to share bath and bed routine though.

[arethereanyleftatall]

I think doing every evening meal, and the weekly shop is doing something.
Both are things that I would say are easier for the person at home that be doing.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

A weekly shop takes about 40 minutes. It doesn't take two days. He could have it done on his way home from work on a Friday evening. He could do click and collect order in his lunch break at work.

Not sure why it is OP wasting his days off. surely he is wasting his own.

[Trifleorbust]

You should have similar leisure time, so there is no way you should be running round after him all evening, even if he does cook the evening meal. On the other hand, if you have a lot of spare time during the day, it does seem reasonable for you to do more in the evening. Hard to say without knowing how much you get done, whether there are waking nights for you, etc.

What is absolutely non-negotiable is basic cleaning up after himself. He should not be leaving his clothes for you to pick up!

[formerbabe]

Most of his days off we spend out somewhere or doing the weekly shop

Why are you wasting his days off by doing the weekly shop? I have never understood couples who do the weekly shop together. It only takes one person. As it is, I don't think the situation sounds too dreadful. Im a sahm and do pretty much all housework and cooking. He shouldn't be leaving clothes on the floor though.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

Fgs he is not "doing a lot"! He is going to work and cooking an evening meal. There are families up and down the country where both parents work full time and both come home to cook and do everything else that OP is doing. There are single parent families who are doing all of that on their own. Cooking the evening meal is not "a lot" it's the minimum I would expect from a fully functioning adult with a family.

[Slothlikesundays]

I agree with pp that it sounds like he's doing a lot. My dp is sole earner at the moment. I plan and cook meals, do all childcare (he works away 4-5 days a week), cleaning looking after pets and walking the dog. His time off is spent unwinding and looking after our daughter (he does all gardening and jobs around the house)He only helps with housework if we're having a big clean (maybe once a month). We have a 3 bedroom house and cleaning top to bottom takes me two hours with maybe an additional half an hour tidying a day.
He used to leave stuff lying around. I now put it in his office and don't touch it until he's sorted it out. Works for us.
It may seem an outdated set up to some but his long commute and long hours are really tiring and i think him spending time with dd is more important than doing jobs. He only has a finite amount of time. I agree your dp should do more childcare but focus on him spending quality time with your child. Nappy changing isn't a big deal. Maybe if you encouraged him to do stuff that wasn't just the drudgy jobs he'll do more nappy changes. As it stands he's only seeing spending time with them as a chore.

[Colby43443]

My dh works from home and would never expect me to cook or do chores when I come home from work in the evening. I do my chores over the weekend.

Also is nappy changing 5 mins after he comes in really the best way he can spend time with your son? Can't he do bathtime or a feed or something else? Coming home to a partner bombarding you with things she should have had sorted before you came home can't be pleasant.

Oh and I don't believe for a second that he actually takes his trousers off like that.

[PeachBellini123]

I agree with other posters he should spend time with the baby but working those hours plus a commute must be bloody knackering.

Is he happy about you not working? I think the comment about being the sole breadwinner is telling...

[MissVictoria]

Did you not live with this man before having a child?
If you did, and still chose to have a serious relationship involving children with him, then you can't really complain. You knew what he was like and chose to make it serious. Expecting people to change usually doesn't work out. He's not doing "nothing" he works full time an does the evening cooking. I completely understand him wanting to relax when he gets home. I'm not saying he shouldn't spend time with his kid doing fun stuff (he might genuinely be too tired for playing and want a sit down/rest) but you chose the roles where youre the primary carer and he's the provider. Shoving a kid with a stinking nappy at him when he gets home from a long, stressful day is a bit inconsiderate. Yes, you do it during the day, but his whole day is the boring mundane hard work stuff, you do get fun times in the day, its not all nappies and cleaning, so give him a break.

[YelloDraw]

Second having a box you just dump all his stuff in. Can live behind the sofa. Trousers on the floor? Box. Empty crisp packet? Box.Snotty tissues? Box. Socks? Box.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

He should put the pans he uses in the dishwasher. The equivalent to this is you changing the babies nappy and leaving the dirty ones where they came off for 'someone' to deal with. Putting cooking pots in the dishwasher is not a separate chore, it is part of the cooking process. It isn't cleaning up te kitchen after dinner which is a separate chore.

He also should lift his own trousers. That is not housework. It is basic self care, you put your own clothes in the laundry basket. We teach this to toddlers.

Just because he works a normal working week (like the rest of the country!) doesn't mean he gets to opt out of his own personal responsibilities of lifting his own shit.

[YelloDraw]

Well, he should pick up his own things. It is very disrespectful to be leaving his stuff around.

I would also want him to want to spend time with the baby.

On the other hand, he is working a lot and cooks every night. And you are at home all day.

[OohNoDooEy]

In our house dh cooks and cleans up. I tidy/clean/do admin. We do alternate bedtimes.

I wouldn't pick up after him though. If you don't want to live with it then just bag up anything of his that gets left And leave it for him to sort through. I wouldn't do washing if the result of this exercise was a tonne of Washing.

Explain your new system
Before start so he can't complain.

[Unwrapped]

I think his contribution is cooking the evening meal and YABU to expect him to do household chores on top of this. Can you cook some nights and delegate the chores to him?

On the days I don't work I try to get most chores/housework done during the day, so the evenings are free to relax. Heavy housework I save for when toddler naps (e.g. Mopping floors). If DH is home before bedtime he plays with DC but he's often home much later.

Trousers on the floor is a bit odd, what does he say about it?