To be astonished at how shit my life seems compared to other MNers

[Momentumista]

I really value the support I get on MN but am often taken aback at the strength of feeling and the dramatic solutions (LTB) expressed about negative things in my life.

Things which (because they are my normality) I just take for granted. Like DH not being supportive, not standing up for myself, not putting up with being nagged etc, having had a difficult life, a past I am ashamed of.

Are most people's lives rally so good & complete with perfect relationships? Or have people just learnt from bad experiences?

I have problems but in RL, but manage to hold down a job and seem fairly normal (hopefully) to the casual onlooker.

My problems to me seem like shades of grey, while on MN they sometimes seem very black and white. Not sure where I am going with this really but just feeling a bit alone and confused.

[AcrossthePond55]

No one's life is 'perfect'. Life, people, and relationships are a series of 'checks and balances'. But many people do have good lives. Lives in which conflicts, when they happen, are settled without violence and/or emotional abuse. Where you don't have to continually stand up for yourself because you are and you have a partner who is considerate and wants to work as a team. That's not to say there aren't moment of anger and disagreement, or that you should always get things 'your way', just that you manage to settle things without ugliness or resentment.

I think it's all about looking at the totality of your life and whether or not you see more good times than bad times. Whether your children live in a home in which there is more cooperation than conflict. Whether you are happy and at peace more than you are sad and in turmoil.

If you feel that you are 'satisfied' with your life as it is, then fine. But if you post on any internet forum about dissatisfaction with your life, you're bound to get responses like 'LTB'. If you don't want to leave, then don't. But don't discount that advice because you'd rather stay where you are than take a chance on a new life.

[qumquat]

I don't have a perfect life by any means (loads of mental health issues) but I do react in horror at what some people go through with their partners. The dh not doing housework/childcare threads particularly rile me for some reason. Probably because, although it's minor compared to serious abuse, it breaks my heart how common they are and the men get away with it because it's too little a thing to leave over. So I probably come over all 'perfect' on those threads because I personally would be out the door the first time a man left the cleaning/childcare to me. But I'm a mess in many other areas of my life.

[UnbornMortificado]

My life is quite good now apart from mental health problems.

It took 5 years of a shitty abusive relationship, bereavement, a coma and a few hospital stays to get to this point.

When I read about shitty relationships and comment (sometimes LTB) it's because I've been there. I think it's sad that women (including myself) have so little confidence that they stay in unhappy situations when they clearly deserve so much better.

I'm not boasting I definitely don't have a Mumsnet perfect life. As well as the MH problems I have constant issues with DD's dad, I rent and don't own and I've been out of work for 3 years due to said issues.

[winterisnigh]

I know what you mean op, there is sometimes a feeling that people are perfect and dont mess up etc.

There is a saying op, all advice is actually self advice your giving to yourself

[JennyPocket]

Sometimes people post selected out-takes of their own lives on MN to make themselves feel better. It's not the whole picture.

I think it's good that posters have opportunity to hear "that's not OK" and "that's not loving behaviour" and "that's not normal" because in RL they might know nobody who would be able to point these things out.

It's a case of knowing what your firm non-negotiable are (and MN can often help with that, e.g. DV etc) and the stuff which is irritating, but ultimately not a deal-breaker. MN often gives the impression it's full of people married to perfect DHs and they might well have the guy who makes them a cup of tea every morning and puts the bins out without complaint, but then that guy might always be flirting every chance they get, or always chatting up the waitress or the neighbour etc. Which would annoy me more than not getting a brew every morning.

I read a thread where the MN was talking boasting about her DD and her parenting of; how she'd let her DD do this and that as a teenager, you've got to let them make their own mistakes etc so you might have thought this DD was an independent, successful woman by the way she was talking. Yet on another thread the same MNer wrote about how miserable the same daughter was, now in her 20's, the DD had anxiety issues, hadn't left home yet because she was too scared, couldn't deal with life well etc.

[Kennington]

No ones life is perfect.
However avoiding bad relationships and having high standards about a partners behaviour is important to a a lot of people.
Of my close female friends all are in healthy relationships because they didn't consider someone who was useless/difficult/lazy/obnoxious. Whereas some colleagues are in bad relationships that anyone could have predicted from a mile off.
I don't think good people are so difficult to spot. Some romantics look for mystery or think a monosyllabic grump is sexy. At 20 they might be, but not when you are 40.

[Boolovessulley]

I think it depends on what you value.
I know many people who have s lot more money than I do.
They can have more luxury items and generally don't have to budget as much as I do,
However they tolerate far more from their oh than I would.
Ive been there but mn helped me realise my exs behaviour was far from normal.
I'm much happier and have a fabulous partner now who doesn't cause me any angst what so ever.
My life is fairly peaceful and calm.

I don't tolerate any shit from a man
I hear other women moaning about how useless their oh is and I nod silently to myself.
Yes I'm far better off in relationship terms.

Quite often people surround themselves with similar types.
So if your oh tends to be lazy
they will probably gravitate towards lazy friends.
Their behaviour then appears normal amongst their circle of friends and so their partner is made to feel the unreasonable one as everyone else behaves in a similar manor.

[HandbagCrazy]

Posters on here have the benefit of being outside of your situation, so they see things clearer than you can - you have feelings involved.
A lot of posters here also draw on their experiences and tell you what they wish someone had told them.

I also think it's a fact of life that people present 'a face' to the world, and it rarely reflects the reality. For example, me and DH are a happy couple. If you met us you'd see an average earning, semi professional working couple who are in love, go on days out and have brilliant holidays.
What you won't see is that we have been ttc for 5 years, have both worked 2 jobs each to pay off debt and that I can be an anxious wreck due to an abusive previous relationship.

I find mn a great place to gather collective advice from confident people to help you see the wood through the trees. YOU might feel you have no choice but to accept things - but WE can see that you're worth more

[lljkk]

People edit the shit out of their lives so much when we type stuff online (I know I do).

I am sorry to spark paranoia with this... someone I met at a MN meetup (let's say "Pam") turned out to have several mutual acquaintances IRL. Pam does not talk, under her usual MN name, about loads & loads of crap in her life that I vaguely hear from the mutual acquaintances. Mental illness, money problems, physical problems. And why should Pam bring that stuff to MN if she doesn't feel like it? She's probably genuinely also very much at times the confident sensible grounded easy-going person she seems to be in MN posts.

And then there are real life friends who seem to have it all... then one day you find out their Husband has been gaslighting them for yrs & probably cheating too only they just didn't want to see it. Or spending all the money. On drugs maybe. Honestly, people don't bring it up and why would you unless you have to. I'm just saying, you can always assume there are a lot more problems going on, that people can't bear to talk about openly.

[Eolian]

This isn't meant to sound boastful (am just trying to answer the OP) but I come from a fully functional, pretty harmonious family I've never been in a bad relationship and the dysfunction I read about on the relationships board often horrify me. I don't edit my life on FB and don't have difficult relationships with friends.

None of this means that I don't empathise or understand that it must be so hard to leave an abusive relationship. I know that much of my fortunate situation is based on luck, and on the occasions that I post on relationships threads, I try to be supportive and helpful rather than incredulous.

[Momentumista]

Boovessully- yes it is useful for realising that what is normal to you isn't normal for other people.

Unfortunately my life is so far removed from what people consider normal I no longer get feel able to speak freely on MN for dead of being called a troll. I will admit i feel hurt and let down. I wish j could afford therapy again, my therapist never accused me of lying.

Cozumel, yes I was hurt by reaction to another thread, which made me think of the subject of this one. Is there something wrong with that?

[Momentumista]

• fear

[CheshireChat]

I think you also edit stuff for brevity. If I'm replying to someone about their relationship issues, I won't mention our money worries, issues with my mum abroad, house or health problems, I'd sound unhinged if I did. And this may apply to others as well, I don't tend to reply if I have the same issue but no solution. I might on occasion but mostly I don't.

Hope things pick up for you.

[EnormousTiger]

I wish you would feel you could speak freely here. Everyone should. Just because some people have more difficult lives than others does not mean people should not post what they want.

What is normal anyway? One person's normal is another person's weird. People think it must be awful that I work just about every day of the year to some extent and yet I adore it and am happy. We are all just different people on this planet.

[flirtygirl]

I understand where you are coming from, sometimes i talk about some things in my life on a thread but im not mentioning other things. I think everyone on mumsnet us doing that to some degree. We all have so many facets but the shame with mumsnet is the fear to speak about the bad things for fear of being called a troll. One thread can get such good support but another thread with the same topic and the op gets villified. Some people absolutely have no compassion and dont even try to put themselves in another shoes.
My normal isnt normal either, somethings i never talk about. But its my life and im living it and ill continue to share the good parts and probably leave out the rest.
Like you im aware that by some standards my life is shit however im not homeless, im not starving etc.

[CozumelFox]

No need to get defensive, I was trying to be nice.

You can't be THAT surprised if people think your story is a little saddening, though? You already said you keep it a secret, so you must realise that "Oh, we met in these circumstances and I'm trapped in an imperfect relationship I can't get out of it" literally IS worse than most people's circumstances. So, to be honest, yeah you're being a little unreasonable to be astonished. Your situation is unusual. You're seeking support from people who, on the whole, married for love and many have high standards of how they wish to be treated (with respect, etc.)

It's a bit like having a leg injury and saying 'I'm astonished at how much slower I walk than others!'

But please don't take people's surprise for judgement. I see people who are sad for you, and more importantly, scared for you. A relationship built on such an uneven foundation and power imbalance is a frightening place for the party with no power.

I'm sure we all have grim memories and events that changed us but tha aren't relevant to threads. I was sexually assaulted and I ended up in therapy trying to untangle the negativity around all that. I had a relative try and kill me and my siblings for money - they were ostracised but never charged. My parents are alcoholics. It's just a) not relevant to the topic and b) doesn't impact the good parts of my life which I'm drawing on when giving advice, like say, marriage and relationships.

[MargotFenring]

It is easy to give advice and wisdom on other people's lives. People ask me for advice all the time, and confidential their problems to me. Apparently I seem so confident, strong and with it.

Truth is, the last three years have been horrendous by anyones standards and that strength and confidence is disappearing rapidly and I am cracking now.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

OP I think you are referring to me. First and foremost, I never referred to you as a troll. I was never rude to you, nor did I ignore your posts because I thought they were phony. I actually gave you a considerable amount of advice and took time to try to help you in your situation.

There were a few things in your thread that were not adding up for me. That doesn't mean I think you are a troll, and I said in your other thread that I think you are a genuine poster.

There was one message in particular that confused me and made me question things (I'm not going to repeat what you said but I think you know which message I mean). You had been very open in your previous messages with details and things started to get very cryptic. It was a little frustrating, in all honesty. No one has accused you of lying.

You said in your other thread that you were reported and MN investigated. Your thread is still there, you are not a troll (and no one said you were to begin with), so there is nothing to worry about in that respect.

I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt by what happened on yesterday's thread but I hope you can move on from it.

[Momentumista]

Hi showme, it wasn't you personally. I very much appreciated your advice and said so.
Forgive me if I appeared to be cryptic- I would hope (what with the whole daily fail thread harvesting thing going on) that posters would understand the need for caution over such an extremely sensitive post. I didn't want to spell my situation out, so j merely asked a question and hoped people would understand why j am in the marriage I am in- which I entered pragmatically knowing I probably wouldn't be happy.

[reallyanotherone]

I also laugh at the ltb posts.

Especially when there's also a thread running about how it is always harder as a single parent than as part of a couple.

[Momentumista]

Cozumel. I'm sorry I really didn't mean to be defensive, I'm just feeling a bit down. I appreciate your help and advice.

[Momentumista]

Cozumel. I am also sorry for what you've been through

[Myusernameismyusername]

I've worked very hard to make things better and I am happier than ever but I don't have a perfect life I don't own a house, never been married etc, don't aim for what you think you ought to have in terms of material things or goals such as married because happiness looks different to everyone. I hope now I can give advice to help people in the positions I was once in

[Oblomov16]

MN is wierd op. Remember it's not RL, or reflective of the population.

I come from a loving family, had confidence, had the bestest time, and have never had a single bad relationship or been treated badly, or a single sexual assault. (That in itself makes me statistically unusual on MN!!)

But something happened to me 2 years ago, that bought me to my knees, literally, and I will never get over it. Ever.

So, everyone has one thing. Even those that appear not to, when you see alpha mum in the playground, remember you only see the surface, not the real deep.

Have comfort and confidence op. What you have can be built on.

[Momentumista]

That's really comforting Oblomov, thank you.