To be astonished at how shit my life seems compared to other MNers

[Momentumista]

I really value the support I get on MN but am often taken aback at the strength of feeling and the dramatic solutions (LTB) expressed about negative things in my life.

Things which (because they are my normality) I just take for granted. Like DH not being supportive, not standing up for myself, not putting up with being nagged etc, having had a difficult life, a past I am ashamed of.

Are most people's lives rally so good & complete with perfect relationships? Or have people just learnt from bad experiences?

I have problems but in RL, but manage to hold down a job and seem fairly normal (hopefully) to the casual onlooker.

My problems to me seem like shades of grey, while on MN they sometimes seem very black and white. Not sure where I am going with this really but just feeling a bit alone and confused.

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

I think the most strident advice given on here usually involves posters who come on purporting to want to change their situation. But not actually wanting to do anything to change their circumstances.
Many sympathetic people will advise a range of possessible strategies to achieve change and the op will use the word "but" over and over. Often coming back and reposting over the same problem over months or even years. You can almost. Hear the collective cheer when they realise that wishing is not an effective way to improve your life, doing is.
So yes there is also sorts of advice from all sorts of perspectives, some of it deliberatly extreme, some of it from heartfelt experience. But amazingly almost all of it designed to help the poster find a way to move forwards and find a way to do it, even if it means shocking them out of their current mindset.
Mumsnet forum is quite amazing like that.
Oh and my life wasn't and isn't perfect, but I am working on it.

[Tarttlet]

"The other thing you need to think is people start a post regarding a specific point so when someone posts along the lines of "my dp behaves badly in this way " and people reply saying "my dp would never do that you deserve better ltb" you automatically think there life is already better than yours by the fact their relationship or marriage is better . But they may not have their health or have mental health issues or be skint etc etc etc the list goes on ."

I think it's also important to remember that just because a poster says "my dp would never do that you deserve better ltb" doesn't mean that their relationship is perfect - just that whatever has been mentioned is not an issue in their relationship (assuming that they're telling the truth...)

[Sn0tnose]

I tend to be much more strident in any advice I give when I've been in that situation previously and either through blind luck, hard work or the grace of God, I've managed to turn things around.

My life is absolutely not perfect, not by any means. But I am very happy with it and wouldn't swap it for anything in the world.

[ToastyFingers]

Unsupportive. had, auto-correct.

[ToastyFingers]

I had a chaotic upbringing, troubled past and all sorts of that nature and that's why I don't stand for it now.
In fact, the one thing I wouldn't tolerate would be an in-supportive partner.

Having spent many years feeling worthless, I won't invite someone into my life to do that again.


That said, my life isn't perfect. My family are still batshit, funds are often low, despite being intelligent, I left school with no qualifications and things like illness or bereavement don't discriminate.

My DP is wonderful though, and if he wasn't, I wouldn't be sticking around to see if he'd improve.

[gottachangethename1]

No one"a life is perfect. Some people are content with their lot, some people are able to describe the most average of behaviours from their spouses in such glowing terms that it sounds like the love story of the century (yes Facebook, I'm looking at you!) and some do have nice lives, but they might not be everyone's idea of nice. I've learnt to think only about my own life, without comparing it to others and trying to solve my own problems. You never know what other people's lives are really like.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You only get a snapshot here. If you had looked at my life in my late 20s you would have been horrified and I would certainly have been told to LTB. I did and now my life is mostly great. But not perfect. Which is why I tell people in shitty relationships to LTB. Because it worked for me.

[BipBippadotta]

I'm often astonished at the difference between people's lives as described on MN ('Well that wouldn't work for me, OP: in our home we have a precise 50/50 split of household duties, adequate insurance, a healthy balanced diet, no clutter, bi-weekly date nights and a tremendously exciting sex life that only gets better after 40 years of matrimony...') and the lives of almost anyone I know in real life.

So I take a lot of what people say with a grain of salt. I also think that if things were that brilliant people probably wouldn't be spending so much time on MN weighing in on other people's lives (that's certainly true for me - I find I'm on here the most, and being the most irritating & opinionated, when I'm very anxious and trying to avoid thinking about one or another horrible thing that's going on in my life).

I haven't read your other thread that people are referring to, but I've got a vague sense of what it's about from comments here. I think people who have been in an unhappy relationship can come across as a bit evangelical about the benefits of getting out, because it really has changed their lives for the better in ways they couldn't have imagined. I was in relationships for years that were not abusive, but generally awful and full of mutual dislike; I had come from a very dysfunctional family and honestly didn't believe other people when they said their relationships were happy and they didn't feel constant contempt and anger with one another. I then had the good fortune of meeting someone who was nice to me, and who called me out on it when I was not nice to him, and it entirely changed what I think is possible in relationships between men and women. Now, I put up with wildly irritating habits of his that much of MN would tell me to LTB for, and he puts up with similarly appalling behaviours from me, but actually it's fine, because we've gradually worked out what bothers us and what doesn't and we live how we live and are generally content. Basically, the inevitable shit parts of living with another person are a bit easier to put up with when you and your partner mutually like and respect and trust one another. It's hard to know what that feels like if it's not a situation you've been in.

I do hope that things turn around for you.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I think there is a small element of 'don't do as I do, do as I say.' Sometimes people give advice which is counter to their own experience (for example, they may be in a pretty shit relationship, but can still give advice such as LTB to others in a similar situation, because it's what they wish they could do, but, maybe for other reasons, can't).

[clumsyduck]

The other thing you need to think is people start a post regarding a specific point so when someone posts along the lines of "my dp behaves badly in this way " and people reply saying "my dp would never do that you deserve better ltb" you automatically think there life is already better than yours by the fact their relationship or marriage is better . But they may not have their health or have mental health issues or be skint etc etc etc the list goes on .

I do think people post from experience too for example I had a shit ea relationship . I would never ever put up with it again and am now a stronger person so if I post saying to someone in a Similair position my advice will always be to get out and that they don't have to put up with that shit . Because I have been there and I see it from the other side now

[haveacupoftea]

I think a lot of people don't post the whole truth about their circumstances because they can't be bothered listening to LTB because their DH never does the dishes or whatever.

There will also be a lot of people with very serious problems who use MN as a form of escapism and just want to forget about their big problems. That doesnt mean their advice isn't valuable, if it is requested.

[flopsypopsymopsy]

Yes, I have a very nice life now. It wasn't always that way. It's a shame MN wasn't around back in the day because I would have turned it out around a heck of a lot sooner. It took me a while to LTB but if I had asked what to do on here I know that is the advice I would have been given and it would have been the right advice.

You get one life. Don't put up with shit.

[Myusernameismyusername]

A lot of people have something dark lurking underneath that will probably never really leave; you just learn to cope with things, or sometimes, you struggle to

[Momentumista]

That's really comforting Oblomov, thank you.

[Oblomov16]

MN is wierd op. Remember it's not RL, or reflective of the population.

I come from a loving family, had confidence, had the bestest time, and have never had a single bad relationship or been treated badly, or a single sexual assault. (That in itself makes me statistically unusual on MN!!)

But something happened to me 2 years ago, that bought me to my knees, literally, and I will never get over it. Ever.

So, everyone has one thing. Even those that appear not to, when you see alpha mum in the playground, remember you only see the surface, not the real deep.

Have comfort and confidence op. What you have can be built on.

[Myusernameismyusername]

I've worked very hard to make things better and I am happier than ever but I don't have a perfect life I don't own a house, never been married etc, don't aim for what you think you ought to have in terms of material things or goals such as married because happiness looks different to everyone. I hope now I can give advice to help people in the positions I was once in

[Momentumista]

Cozumel. I am also sorry for what you've been through

[Momentumista]

Cozumel. I'm sorry I really didn't mean to be defensive, I'm just feeling a bit down. I appreciate your help and advice.

[reallyanotherone]

I also laugh at the ltb posts.

Especially when there's also a thread running about how it is always harder as a single parent than as part of a couple.

[Momentumista]

Hi showme, it wasn't you personally. I very much appreciated your advice and said so.
Forgive me if I appeared to be cryptic- I would hope (what with the whole daily fail thread harvesting thing going on) that posters would understand the need for caution over such an extremely sensitive post. I didn't want to spell my situation out, so j merely asked a question and hoped people would understand why j am in the marriage I am in- which I entered pragmatically knowing I probably wouldn't be happy.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

OP I think you are referring to me. First and foremost, I never referred to you as a troll. I was never rude to you, nor did I ignore your posts because I thought they were phony. I actually gave you a considerable amount of advice and took time to try to help you in your situation.

There were a few things in your thread that were not adding up for me. That doesn't mean I think you are a troll, and I said in your other thread that I think you are a genuine poster.

There was one message in particular that confused me and made me question things (I'm not going to repeat what you said but I think you know which message I mean). You had been very open in your previous messages with details and things started to get very cryptic. It was a little frustrating, in all honesty. No one has accused you of lying.

You said in your other thread that you were reported and MN investigated. Your thread is still there, you are not a troll (and no one said you were to begin with), so there is nothing to worry about in that respect.

I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt by what happened on yesterday's thread but I hope you can move on from it.

[MargotFenring]

It is easy to give advice and wisdom on other people's lives. People ask me for advice all the time, and confidential their problems to me. Apparently I seem so confident, strong and with it.

Truth is, the last three years have been horrendous by anyones standards and that strength and confidence is disappearing rapidly and I am cracking now.

[CozumelFox]

No need to get defensive, I was trying to be nice.

You can't be THAT surprised if people think your story is a little saddening, though? You already said you keep it a secret, so you must realise that "Oh, we met in these circumstances and I'm trapped in an imperfect relationship I can't get out of it" literally IS worse than most people's circumstances. So, to be honest, yeah you're being a little unreasonable to be astonished. Your situation is unusual. You're seeking support from people who, on the whole, married for love and many have high standards of how they wish to be treated (with respect, etc.)

It's a bit like having a leg injury and saying 'I'm astonished at how much slower I walk than others!'

But please don't take people's surprise for judgement. I see people who are sad for you, and more importantly, scared for you. A relationship built on such an uneven foundation and power imbalance is a frightening place for the party with no power.

I'm sure we all have grim memories and events that changed us but tha aren't relevant to threads. I was sexually assaulted and I ended up in therapy trying to untangle the negativity around all that. I had a relative try and kill me and my siblings for money - they were ostracised but never charged. My parents are alcoholics. It's just a) not relevant to the topic and b) doesn't impact the good parts of my life which I'm drawing on when giving advice, like say, marriage and relationships.

[flirtygirl]

I understand where you are coming from, sometimes i talk about some things in my life on a thread but im not mentioning other things. I think everyone on mumsnet us doing that to some degree. We all have so many facets but the shame with mumsnet is the fear to speak about the bad things for fear of being called a troll. One thread can get such good support but another thread with the same topic and the op gets villified. Some people absolutely have no compassion and dont even try to put themselves in another shoes.
My normal isnt normal either, somethings i never talk about. But its my life and im living it and ill continue to share the good parts and probably leave out the rest.
Like you im aware that by some standards my life is shit however im not homeless, im not starving etc.

[EnormousTiger]

I wish you would feel you could speak freely here. Everyone should. Just because some people have more difficult lives than others does not mean people should not post what they want.

What is normal anyway? One person's normal is another person's weird. People think it must be awful that I work just about every day of the year to some extent and yet I adore it and am happy. We are all just different people on this planet.